Pitching matchup:
Brewers: Yovani Gallardo, 0-0, 0.64 ERA
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano, 4-1, 2.21 ERA
Shop the Desipio/Pointless Exercise Store
Pitching matchup:
Brewers: Yovani Gallardo, 0-0, 0.64 ERA
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano, 4-1, 2.21 ERA
Cheese fries anyone?
But I thought vegans couldn’t eat cheese products.
#2, it’s not meat so it doesn’t count bro.
Can I pitch today, Elmer?
Please let Turnbow pitch… please please please
I can RAKE!!!!
Anybody with the lineups?
You know, for posterity’s sake.
I like afternoon games. It gives me something to do here in the office besides you know…work…
#6, I can weed!
Soriano
Theriot
Lee
Ramirez
Fukudome
DeRosa
Soto
Johnson
Zambrano
Weeks
Cameron
Braun
Fielder
Hart
Hall
Counsell
Gallardo
Kendall
Actually, #1 & #3, Vegans don’t consume anything that are produced from animals. Meat, dairy, leather, etc.
BREEEEEEAAAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!!!!
Why is that skank singing the National Anthem instead of me?
Vegans aren’t even allowed to consume honey! Stupid fucks.
Seems a bit quiet today.
I always look pissed and confused
Must not be feeling very stimulated…
We going to have learry good game today!
Can we not be racists bitches today?
Amazing what anonymous posting leads to.
Can we not be sexist Japs?
leat. funny. lineups. ever.
least. funny. lineups. ever.
I have the worst batting average on this line up. That includes Zambrano.
Have a nice day.
I am bringing my patient attitude back to the team that sees the most pitches in the majors.
I’m gonna go-yard-o today.
Soriano’s first AB: 2 pitches.
I resent that nickname
Most. Redundant. Posts. Ever.
Wait, a honey bee is considered an insect, right?
So vegans aren’t allowed to eat anything from animals to insects? How did the line arbitrarily get drawn at allowing plants?
Sorry. I’m a moran.
“Come for the game…stay for the petting zoo!”
I need to be added to the status page
what is a VEGAN? A vegan (pronounced VEE-gun) is someone who, for various reasons, chooses to avoid using or consuming animal products. While vegetarians choose not to use flesh foods, vegans also avoid dairy and eggs, as well as fur, leather, wool, down, and cosmetics or chemical products tested on animals.
why VEGAN? Veganism, the natural extension of vegetarianism, is an integral component of a cruelty-free lifestyle. Living vegan provides numerous benefits to animals’ lives, to the environment, and to our own health–through a healthy diet and lifestyle.
Use me next time you have a question you morans:
Veganism is a philosophy and lifestyle that seeks to exclude the use of animals for food, clothing, or any other purpose.[1][2] Vegans do not use or consume animal products of any kind.[3] The most common reasons for becoming a vegan are ethical commitment or moral convictions concerning animal rights, the environment, human health, and spiritual or religious concerns.[4][5][2] Of particular concern are the practices involved in factory farming and animal testing, and the intensive use of land and other resources required for animal farming.
By the way, Fat Fuck Fielder is a vegetarian, not a vegan. Kinda hard to be a vegan living in Wisconsin.
“Midget Face” is the greatest nickname for a ballplayer ever.
I went yard-o 2 times last year. Female doges.
One of the biggest douches in baseball.
Beautiful!
I am what you call “an upgrade” from last year.
I’ve always thought if Don Flamenco, from Mike Tyson’s punchout, were to swing a baseball bat, he would look like Craig Council.
My triumphant return!
I am the BALLS
So why not consume a by product of an insect?
Now who’s the nerf herder?
I’m liking this Soto kid…
I’ve got your upgrade right here Geo.
Yes 39, the way a Lear Jet is an upgrade over a Southwest flight.
Fooled you! I really bat ninth because the pitchers have higher averages.
Is not an insect also an animal, moran?
Yeesh, that was quick.
Y-Gall is pitching everyone outside. USE ME.
Main Entry: 1an·i·mal
Pronunciation: \ˈa-nə-məl\
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin, from animale, neuter of animalis animate, from anima soul — more at animate
Date: 14th century
1: any of a kingdom (Animalia) of living things including many-celled organisms and often many of the single-celled ones (as protozoans) that typically differ from plants in having cells without cellulose walls, in lacking chlorophyll and the capacity for photosynthesis, in requiring more complex food materials (as proteins), in being organized to a greater degree of complexity, and in having the capacity for spontaneous movement and rapid motor responses to stimulation
2 a: one of the lower animals as distinguished from human beings b: mammal; broadly : vertebrate
3: a human being considered chiefly as physical or nonrational; also : this nature
4: a person with a particular interest or aptitude
5: matter, thing ; also : creature 1c
Main Entry: in·sect
Pronunciation: \ˈin-ˌsekt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin insectum, from neuter of insectus, past participle of insecare to cut into, from in- + secare to cut — more at saw
Date: 1601
1 a: any of numerous small invertebrate animals (as spiders or centipedes) that are more or less obviously segmented —not used technically b: any of a class (Insecta) of arthropods (as bugs or bees) with well-defined head, thorax, and abdomen, only three pairs of legs, and typically one or two pairs of wings
2: a trivial or contemptible person
I am not pitching outside. I am pitching outside the zone. The strike zone the plate ump is giving me is HUGE
I look like the bastard love child of one of the Hanson Brothers.
Screw it. I’ll do it myself.
That is one excited, and very dirty hippy who caught Carlos’ homer.
Fuck Micah Owings, mang
Now with 40 percent more power!
I am neato.
YARD-O!
Hampton is a pussy. I am the REAL bat at pitcher.
I don’t hit as well as our pitcher
Hah! I saw five pitches that at bat. I’m so patient!
I’m really getting sick of hearing about me eveytime Alf is at the plate. The fucker can rake so let it be.
I should be batting 9th.
Let’s get some more LSU players with porn staches
Not much better than Felix Pie right now.
Anybody know where I can find a slumpbuster?
Go bald-0, go yard-O
I caught Z’s home run, Andy?
I have more hits in this series than Khalil Greene has all year.
If it ain’t meat, it don’t count! I be eatin’ some shit up wit some cheese on it yo!
Its on who-ras!!!
Good for you dance fever, but did you star in Fast Times at Richmont high?
18, 57, and 72 are true Cubs fans.
Nice arm, Theriot.
(Actually that was kind of a nice play.)
Has as one of the options for “favorite broadcaster to sing take me out to the ballgame,” marty brennamen. Thats funny.
Do I turn that base hit into an out if I’m at short?
Buzz Bissinger would be horrified at the discourse in this thread.
Only if you don’t throw the ball into me, 78.
Ridgemont High #74!!! IMDB.com Use it!!
If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?
How come Braun didn’t overslide second and get called out?
Did someone say meat?? Oh yeah I can’t….
Apparently Z didn’t bring me today.
I’m glad I didn’t have to run on that one!!
That was me! Fielder’s slow as shit!
On that HBO show Buzz Bissinger reminded me of that fat producer on “Entourage” who is supposed to be–I’m guessing–modelled on Harvey Weinstein.
Looks like Z might be cramping a bit
Looks like I’ll only be good for 6 today, doges.
Mike, that actually was Harvey Weinstein
I AM Harvey Weinstein!
Too much Redbull today
Fellas…remember when I said I’d “do it myself?” Funny story…I am going to need some help from you guys.
65 pitches/4 innings = 16 pitches per inning
16 pitches per innings * 7 innings = 112 pitches
He could still easily go 7, especially if he throws strikes to the 8 and 9 hitters. Get off the bleepin’ ledge, guys.
I’ve decided to forgo plate patience because Soriano’s back….
Bonzai!!!!!
I gave up on the patience also, but I did get a hit.
Wait–Harvey Weinstein played himself in that role?
Did someone say plate patience?? What’s that Fonz?
Paint da fucking fence assholes!!!!
I’m back!
Funny how the bats go dry when Alfonso comes back…
No, Mike D, I played the fat studio guy.
= “Harvey Weingard” played by Maury Chaykin. IMDB still works
I knew I still sucked.
That sucks. We just hurt Gallardo.
Son of a fucking bitch.
I am the Brewers’ version of Mark Prior. Back to the DL for me. Santo is making it sound like I’m Barbaro.
See, I’m helping this team in more ways than one!
What happened to Gallardo?
I just took out our second best pitcher.
I’m sounding sad at the injury, then happy that he’s walking around.
I did it! I need to take a breather and have some donuts!!
Reed tried to bunt on Gallardo went to cover first. Fielder picked up the ball and dove to tag Reed. Huge clusterfuck, Gallardo tweaked his knee trying to jump over Reed.
?
Bitches.
No worries, I was just doing my soccer player impersonation when I was writhing in pain on the ground.
I’m pulling everything into the ground! I’m like Jock Jones only right-handed and even more expensive!
Watch me bunt next inning. Why? Cause we can.
.167. How much are we paying this asshole again?
Cha-ching!!! Regret me now don’t you ogdens??
Can we trade me to the O’s for Brian Roberts?? Thoughts? Concerns?
Not nearly as much as the Giants regret mine, 122
Give me time ogdens, give me time.
Why are you pitching to me?
Wow Chuck, 4 Soriano posts in 4 minutes? Must be hard work.
We can’t call for a flyball.
Fuku, Vag Face.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
Meltdown time!
.
What you don’t know is that the Japanese word for “I got it!” is youtakeit!
Did I just run like half a mile??
Leaving your really good young pitcher in after he rolled his surgically repaired knee is something I highly advise. Nice job, Milwaukee.
I am all that is man.
I just got excited at the sight of those two fatties bumping chests!
Fat ass had to have glaciered past a stop sign there. There is no way they sent him against FUK U’s arm.
Perfect one hop throw from Kosuke – Soto had all day to prepare for Fielder’s gravitational field. Awesome.
Ron uses me way too much, and inappropriatley at that.
Baxter bark twice if you are in Milwaukee.
It would have looked just the same. Except Jock would have thrown the ball 10 feet or Berut would have missed it.
Prince needs to unhitch me.
General baseball question here. I know you can barrel into a catcher blocking the plate. Can you swipe someone in the face with your elbow as a part of that? I remember when A Rod slapped at that Boston player that was illegal initself. Anyone know the rule?
The last time I bumped into Planet Fielder the warp drive on the Falcon got all screwed up.
Jock’s throw wouldn’t have left the outfield, but Barrett still would have gotten plowed under.
I would think Prince’s forearm to Soto’s face should result in him being drilled in the neck with a fastball in his next AB.
I thought Jabba The Hutt was dead.
My legend grows. Suck on it all you BEEEEE-atch!
I’ll throw one behind Prince for you guys! If I can throw a ball that far.
In MLB, pretty much anything goes on a play at the plate. Fielder pulls that crap in college or high school ball, he gets ejected and possibly suspended. However, Prince will probably get drilled in the back in the near future as payback.
I hate third base.
My pitcher is limping, but I need him to prove he’s a man!
Well here’s hoping he gets earholed by Marmol
I’ve been thrown out at third base six times this year.
What the fuck just happened at 3rd?
There’s always at least one every year. This year it’s The Riot.
Just stare at the empty bullpen, Yovani, it always works!
Did Theriot even have a chance or was he just being stupid?
I can attest that Ryan spends very little quality time at third base.
Oh, he had a chance, and yeah he was being stupid.
Gong!
These runs are as good as scored.
Why am I sending out Maddux after every damn batter?
Calm down, it’s not Turnbow.
He couldn’t get me out healthy, now he’s on one leg?
It better be Zambrano that does it. Anyone smaller won’t stand a chance in the ensuing fracas. You know it will come to, because Prince is hungry and angry. I would hate to see him eat Marmol for putting one in his rib cage…errr that roll of fat where his rib cage normally would be.
Even my mishits are glorious. Jog after that, gimpy!
That was me making you run on your bum leg. Enjoy that.
Konnichiwa bitches!
Thanks to the arcane MLB blackout rules, I had to watch the Brewers telecast last night. Those guys (Brian Anderson, Bill Schroeder) love Fukkake. Almost to an unhealthy level.
Double play time!
If I were smart I would take my injured pitcher out. Alas, I as dumb as a bag of hammers.
Runner at third, less than two out. I have my uppercut swing going. I’ll strike out.
Not only can I field and hit, but I can run too.
Or, I’ll hit a 210 foot flyball. Thankfully Ryan Braun plays leftfield like Lonnie Smith.
Swing for the fences time!
You’re not seeing us much this year, are ya?
Three run homer time!
I probably should have stopped at third.
Lou’s right, Fukkake was safe.
I was safe.
damn i’m good.
Foo Cake was safe. Bad call.
I crap gold bars
Ump was out of position, unless he can see the tag through Kendall’s back.
Did you read that thing about me and the senator? I like the dark meat! The married, dark meat!
On the ESPN broadcast last night they were praising the Japanese players as being so disciplined. I don’t disagree with that, but they went on and on – it was almost creepy.
MVP.
Dear Theriot,
Can’t touch this!
Best Regards,
Me
We big on the knob-slobbering. Sorry.
I’m the Stevie Wonder wannabe who blew the call at the plate.
You’re blowing the game!
Thanks for leaving your injured pitcher in for no apparent reason.
Love,
The entire National League
I’m Carlos Zambrano’s biggest fan!
Time for a double play. I need to earn my playoff share from last year.
Time to strand two more runners.
I am none too happy with Lou taking me out.
Nice hat throw Z
Z threw his hat?!
Did I really throw my hat?
Holy shit, I’m good.
Those K’s were YOOOOGE
Filthy!
Ice cold, bitches.
I didn’t come close to the strike zone, either.
FUCKYEAH!
I am Whooo-rahhh!!!
He took his hat off and tried to throw it into his glove and he missed it.
In your face Milwaukee!!!!
Hey #205, don’t feel so bad…
Unfortunately, I don’t normally display the suckitude of TurdThrow.
He threw it in the dugout. Big whup. Lilly raped the wall at the new Nats Stadium, so…there’s been worse.
Gameday shows Brewer vag patch vs. a Cub vag patch. It’s a battle of vag patches.
Or the battle of players with facial hair that vaguely resembles vaginal pubic hair.
Look, if Derrick Turnbow isn’t going to pitch today, then I’m just gonna go back to the clubhouse…
I’m hot right now
Over/under on pitches seen: 3
Going with under.
I’m getting hotter, I didn’t hit that one on the ground.
I prefer the term “Vajayjay patch”!!
.164. Welcome back asshole.
I prefer the Jeff Bagwell fuzzbox.
Yet another reason to hate “Grey’s Anatomy”
Did Sorry-ano just swing at me?
If Braun K’s, Fielder’s getting it. Suhweet.
Damn, no plunk.
Nah, no sense in putting a runner on. Much better for Marmot to make him look stupid with a backdoor slider.
4 for 4. One more whiff to go.
Fun fact: the pubic area on a female is actually the vulva. The vagina itself is just one part of it.
if anything, Reed should be called “Vulva Face”
I’m a little bitch
Slider? Mmmmm I could kill for some White Castle right about now.
The new way to retaliate.
Yeah, I guess I just like the idea of knocking him unconcious because of that bullshit elbow high thing.
One of the funniest Seinfeld’s of all time…
Somebody stab me in the throat with a jagged Old Style bottleneck.
Mulva crossed my mind too…
There’s plenty of time to drill that fat bastard.
“Local Guy” spelled backwards is “Yugg Lackole!”
So my new nickname is “Mulva?”
Wellemeyer/Marquis makes me as excited as watching Smush Parker take on Mike Dunleavy one on one
is better. Perhaps Muff Face or Pussy Puss?
On ESPN last night (sorry to bring that lame ass shit up again) one of the jackasses attempted a Harry Caray impersonation. It sucked.
muff muzzle?
I usually suck.
?
I am amazing at the game of baseball.
This league is easy.
Stinktrap Stubble?
I thought they were called landing strips.
I’m becoming a common occurrence.
I always suck.
And “Kosuke Fukudome” spelled backwards is “Compensates For Ramirez’s Offensive Shortcomings!”
?
Unexpected porn can be found on me.
.
You think Lou forgot who was supposed to get it?
Fuck Soriano, you could at least field, FUCKER!
This Kapler idiot is wearing my ass out.
*Siren*
My return is going flawlessly.
I could be a defensive replacement.
Goddamn
Can we bring me back in to get 3 straight K’s?
Pie is already in the game moran!
Apple Pie is already in center for Reed
I’m getting pissed now.
We’re supposed to be the EASY outs.
That run I fucked you out of is looking kinda big now isn’t it?
Boy Woody has stepped in it here.
I’m a bit rusty, fellas.
Jesus Christ.
Two strikes, time for a double
Boy he’s been giving that call all day. FUCK
Tried to fuck you again too.
time for one of me.
Hopefully we can pick Woody up against Gag me away
x
Time for me. So this game is over! I mean, the Cubs will win now.
Double to LF Alfonso Soriano. RF Fukudome throws out runner at home. That’s one hell of a ricochet.
I’d have 10 fewer homers, 25 fewer RBIs, and 30 less points on my batting average if I didn’t play the Cubs 18 times each season.
I don’t think Ron C is a good choice with this liberal strikezone
So Gagne gets the outside corner but Wood doesn’t? Lots of inconsistent calls in this game.
For such a retard, I sure beat the Cubs a lot.
Good start
bitches!
I admit, I’m an idiot. Good walk Ronny.
Walkoff time
Boy the Glavine strikezone is retarded.
I screwed you Soto!
FUUUUUUUCK!
?
Strike zone is fucking bullshit.
If there was ever a time for this guy to come through…
Like I did in Pittsburgh?
What’s crazy is that if Pie was a righty that pitch would be a strike and it almost hit him.
.
See you next year.
What a fucking joke this team is.
Oh well, go get the Cards.
Holy shit. The team scores 19 runs one day, and loses the next and you fucking cocksuckers flip out over here.
You’re a Goddamned idiot
Oh calm down. Just a tough loss. They looked good until the top of the ninth.
Goes to Kerry Wood. They couldn’t bail your ass out of this one. It might be time to rethink who the closer role goes to.
Ledge jumpers, calm the fuck down. The Cubs got screwed on bad calls and Kerry had a rough game. It’s one game, not the end of the world.
You meant 296, right?
You’re a fuckwit.
More bedwetters than a dementia ward.
That’s 296 who’s a fucken idiot. 266 actually made a valid point.
Marmol: 1 2/3 IP 4K 0ER 0BB 1H
Wood: 1 IP 1K 3ER 1BB 3H
#301 I think that award goes to Brian O’Nora.
That describes this loss. Time to take the pimp hand to St. Louis and slap the Cardinals around.
3 blown saves in 7 chances isn’t a struggle, it’s a trend.
My control might be complete shit, but I throw 110 mph and struck out 20 guys in a game once…
…and I was right. Go fuck yourself.
It’s really a tie. Sorianass, Kerry Wood and Brian O’Nora. Congradulations, assholes! For your efforts you all get dinner at Tino’s, where you’ll be treated to a big, steaming hunk of cat shit!
When was the last time he pitched? Last week in Colorado? If so that might explains his ineffectiveness.
Which way to Iowa?
If Soriano catches that fucking ball like he should have at worst they get out of there with a tie.
I’m the number of blown saves Dempster had last year. At least I think. I can’t find it on baseball-reference.com.
I’d put everything I own that Mariotti’s next column is Wood, beloved leader, has no business as closer when Marmol is on the team. Lots of syrupy regrets about Wood, and several references to 20 strike out games and Sara Wood screaming in 2003.
Whatever. Marmol should be the closer. There are few if any relievers better than him.
Yeah it would. That’s also the first time they haven’t come back to win a game he blew. He’ll be fine. They just need to stop losing to a team managed by Forrest Fucking Gump.
I spit up my Diet Coke laughing at that. Nice job, asshole!
that this cost Z a win today. He had a decent game.
Have they ever fired a pitching coach in May?
Don’t worry, I’m apparently the next Dustin Pedroia.
Totally agree.
#323…And don’t EVER forget it.
= over.
#326. It stung but plug it with a tampon you Vajayjay!!
i almost lost it, thank you 253.
Tight…
Nothing wrong with my game. Been doing it for 7 years. Not going to change.
What douche!!!!
Cheer up, you ledge-jumping sackless wonders. I’ve just replaced Gallardo in the Brewers rotation and you know it’s only a matter of time before Sheets’ arm explodes, too. Then you guys can move on to hang-wringing over Todd Wellemeyer and rest of the vaunted Cardinals.
Bartman
Black Cat in ’69
Brock for Broglio
Babe’s Called Shot
Billy Goat Curse
Bumfuddled Baseball
Bwahahahahahahahahaha !!!!!
Nighty night,
Lucifer, your Satanic Fowl Friend
I’m sure Josh Hancock and Daryl Kile are sitting in hell right now laughing with you.
I’m the LVP on this team by far!
I am the lamest nickname a player has ever received.
We’re going to be lucky to score one run tomorrow.
Todd Wellmeyer obviously sold his soul to me.
Bwahahahahahahahahaha……
Live and direct from the new, improved Urinal Cake
Lucifer, your Satanic Fowl Friend
Sorry, all out. Check Bleed Cubbie Blue.
Still too early to call the race on my day putos.
Beg your pardon, but I prefer name brands for my sandwich spreads…
Mommy!!!
Hey guys where am I? Last thing I remember was seeing Quade put up the stop sign and like usual I didn’t give two shits and here I am not knowing whats going on….Lou’s probably gonna give me another time out.
Is Andy taking one of me during the season now too?