First win since when?  Guh.

The Cubs had it all going for them last night.  The wind howling straight out, the Padres were starting Shawn Estes, a leadoff homer by Alfonso Soriano, two more runs in the second and Jason Marquis would only crap the bed in one inning.  Hey, how can you lose?

Oh, they found a way.  Marquis’ fourth inning meltdown was brief but epic.  In the span of about seven pitches he went from nobody on, nobody out, three run lead to single, single, homer that may have ended up in Portage.  Then he got the next two guys out in short order only give up a single to the pitcher–Estes–then a hit to Jody Gerut and poof!  Not only was the lead gone, but the Cubs were losing.

Hell, it was only 4-3 with lots of time left.  No way would that be the final score.

And yet.

I’m pretty sure that the Cubs threw last night’s game.  They had money on it, or worse…they know that the arrival tonight of Jim Edmonds (mercifully not likely to be announced until after Jake Peavy’s scheduled two hit shutout) will begin one of those 10-50 nosedives that the Cubs do so well.

This way instead of saying the Cubs are 10-50 since they signed Edmonds, people will say that they’re 10-52 since two days before Edmonds’ arrival.  See, that’s so much better.

OK, I’m kidding.  It’s just maddening to see them absolutely pound teams one night then pack the offense up in the third the next.  I know, it happens.  I’m a little shaky these days, what with the Cubs about to sign a transvestite to play center field.

In the years I’ve been a Cubs’ fan I have hated three opposing players above all.

1. Steve Garvey — For obvious reasons.

2. Gary Carter — To this day if I saw him in person I’d grab his curly mullet and punch him right in the face.

3. Jim Edmonds

I watched last night’s game and I was pissed off before it even started.  Then, I get to watch Shawn F’ing Estes win his first game in THREE years!

Plus, I know Marquis “only” gave up four runs, but it’s the Padres!  Giving up four runs to them is like giving up 12 to a real Major League team.  I’m in no way saying that Kevin Hart and Rich Hill don’t deserve to be at AAA Iowa, but I am saying that Marquis deserves to be at Class A Daytona.

He just sucks, and I’m beyond tired of that smug “woah, how did he hit THAT” look he gets as his pitches are hitting the ivy covered walls so hard that the Cubs will very likely have to install netting out there before his next start.

You know how he hit that, Jason?  Because it was belt high with nothing on it.  Just like the one the guy before him hit, and the guy before him.

Oh, it’s not lost on me that in the Jim Hendry “era” the Cardinals have sent several former players to sabotage the Cubs.  That organization knows three things 1) that you can buy HGH and Winstrol by the half-barrel, 2) how to get shitfaced and still trick your court-ordered breathalyzer car starter into turning over and 3) that the Cubs are dumb enough to let their spies come in and like Michael on “Lost” spend a few months tearing up the engine room on the freighter.

Do any of these guys ring a bell?

  • Alan Benes and Dave Veres in 2003.
  • Mike DiFelice and Kent Mercker in 2004.
  • In 2005, they saw that Hendry had re-signed Neifi and realized that no sabotage was necessary.  They’re wily that way.
  • In 2006 they took no chances and they sent John Mabry to team with Neifi.
  • Last year it was Marquis, and yet as hard as he tried (and his 5.73 second half ERA shows he tried hard) the Cubs still made the playoffs.  So now they’re breaking out the big guns and going with Edmonds.

Even though now there are reports of how in barely two months in the employ of the Padres that Edmonds had become hated in the clubhouse.

He was like the guy at the health club who spends way too much time naked.  You know the guy.  He doesn’t take a towel with him to the sauna, then later you see him coming out of a toilet stall completely naked, and then he’s shaving naked.  Edmonds was known to wander the clubhouse in the nude shaking a handful of Viagra asking teammates if they had time to “spot him” in the shower.  (OK, this may be unconfirmed, but you get the idea.)

It’s almost like Hendry was sitting in his luxury box on Monday night gnawing on a rack of lamb like it was an oversized chicken leg thinking, “These fans hated Jock Jones.  I wonder what I could do to them that would be worse?”

Well, he figured it out.

This whole thing is just too WWF for my tastes.  How obvious is it that later on this year, maybe just next month that at a key point in a game against the Cardinals that Kerry Wood is going to jog in to save a game in the ninth and just before his first pitch to Albert Pujols you’ll hear “It’s Raining Men” blaring over the PA and Al Hrabosky will yell, “Oh, my gawd!  It’s Jim Edmonds’ music!” and then Edmonds will hit an unsuspecting Wood in the back of the head with a folding chair?

Did you ever think we’d pine for the days when the worst Hendry could do to us during the season was Phil Nevin?