I don’t usually do requests. But over on the message board Slaky found a three day old steamer that Gordon Wittenmyer wrote in the Sun Times.

I saw it on Friday and ignored it. I didn’t even click on it because from the headline alone I could tell it was just the kind of cutesy, sophomoric crap that the Chicago papers (especially The Sun Times) churns out on a regular basis about the Cubs. This one just screamed of “pour a cup of coffee on the feces and throw it at the wall.”

Lists are always the refuge of the columnist who couldn’t come up with a real idea. This list is one that reeks of a columnist who couldn’t come up with an idea and didn’t have an ounce of talent in the first place.

We’ve lamented for a long time that Chicago lacks even one decent columnist. Seriously, not one. Telander hasn’t been good for a decade now, and even if he occasionally has a good idea he buries it in a blizzard of one sentence paragraphs. Could he make it more obvious that he’s trying to write half the words in twice the space?

Mariotti’s a civic embarrassment.

Does anybody ever read Mike Downey? Ever?

We know Rick Morrissey doesn’t have a clue.

Mike Imrem’s even worse than Morrissey.

We used to have Barry Rozner, but he only writes about eight columns a month these days, and maybe a quarter of those are worth your time. Usually they’re just filled with jokes he found on the Internet or stuff sent to him by the always hilarious Alex Kaseberg.

Now the Sun-Times let Gordon give it a whirl? Maybe they knew it would be horrendously bad and that it might make Mariotti’s human-fire-alarm writing seem coherent by comparison? It’s easy to ignore them. This one deserves attention. For just how pitiful it is.

101 reasons not to get too giggly about the Cubs in June

They have the best record in baseball, with a shot this weekend at their first winning road trip in two months, and nobody is hotter over the last two weeks than the Cubs. But beware of the Cub Kool-Aid. With 101 games left in the season, there are 101 reasons not to get too giggly in June about a Cubs World Series.

You know what I wish? I wish you’d written this with two games left to go in the season so that there were only two reasons. And, I wish that one of those reasons was that you had just drunk a gallon of bleach.

1. It’s June.

June Lockhart? Oh, you mean the month. Yes, it is June. I don’t think any Cubs fans are actually making World Series plans, but your entire concept for this column is that Cubs fans are doing just that. It’s not a bad idea though. We should start practicing for the victory celebration. We’ll be at your apartment building tomorrow morning. We’ll start practicing turning over cars. Yours should be easy, it’s a Pinto, right?

2. There are 101 games left.

How was this reason any different than the first one? Wow, you’re on number two and you’re already out of ideas?

3. Tough interleague schedule with the White Sox for six and Tampa Bay for three.

Oooh, the White Sox! Scary. Teams play 15 Interleague games, right? That’s not even 10 percent of their schedule. Besides, the Cubs have an American League lineup anyway. It’s not like they have Jason Dubois DH’ing again.

4. No left-handed pop.

Oh, this is just dumb. The Cubs have scored the most runs in the National League and have played 43 of their 65 games against right handed starters. But you’re right. They should probably get rid of Derrek Lee and bring in a lefty who can hit a few homers, that’ll make them bulletproof.

5. Not enough left-handed pitching (the Will Ohman Curse).

What does this asshat have to do with anything? The Cubs have two lefties in their bullpen and one in their rotation, with two more in Iowa. You know who’s got left-handed pitching? The Pirates. They’re lousy with it, with four starters and two relievers. They’re also just lousy.

6. First-year closer Kerry Wood and his surgically repaired shoulder is on pace for 84 appearances.

And the Cubs are on a pace to win 102 games. They probably won’t do that, and definitely won’t need to. Chances are Kerry will get plenty of rest as the season goes along.

7. Rich Hill might not be in the rotation the rest of the year.

8. Jason Marquis might.

Ahh, you made a funny! But you’re only half right. The Cubs haven’t really missed Rich. They were 18-12 the day he went to Iowa. They’ve gone 23-12 since. If he gets straightened out, great. If he doesn’t? We’ll have a bake sale for him. As for Marquis, you’re right. He blows.

9. The last time the Cubs won at least nine straight games, they finished third (2001).

10. The last time they led the division by as many as four games, they finished third (again, 2001).

11. The last time they won 38 of their first 59 games, they finished 20 games out of first (1977).

Now, you’re just trying to piss us off. Do you remember the 2001 Cubs? They were a team that won mainly because Sammy Sosa had the greatest single season every by a Cubs batter, and one of the greatest seasons in Major League History. (.328 ave, 1.147 ops, 64 hr, 160 rbi, 146 runs) Sure, he was ‘roided to the gills, but the rest of that team sucked. I know that TJ Brown sent you a list of their luminaries, but let me reiterate. Here was the everyday lineup the 2001 Cubs trotted out.

1b – Matt Stairs
2b – Eric Young
ss – Ricky Gutierrez
3b – Ron Coomer
lf – Rondell White (all 95 games of him)
cf – Gary Matthews Jr.
rf – Sosa
c – Todd Hundley/Joe Girardi

That was a bad team. A team with two All-Stars (Sosa and Lieber).

1977? You mean the immortal George Mitterwald-Larry Biittner 1977 Cubs? A team with two good pitchers (Rick Reuschel and Bruce Sutter) and one hitter who hit .300 or better (Greg Gross). A team that had four starters who lost at least 10 games?

Nobody in 1977, no matter how many Quaaludes or how much LSD they did thought they had a World Series team on their hands with that mess. Besides, as any football handicapper can tell you past performance may not be indicative of future results.

12. Alfonso Soriano’s legs.

He plays left field where the ability to run has been proven by the exceptional left field defense of the past two World Championship left fielders. Manny Ramirez and Chris Duncan.

13. Sean Marshall’s hamstring.

THE Sean Marshall? The ace who the Cubs are breathlessly waiting for, the guy with the career 13-17 record with a 4.81 ERA? He’s thrown 13 innings so far and the Cubs have the lowest ERA in the National League. He must be the secret.

14. Arizona’s arms.

The unbeatable Diamondbacks? The ones who have a higher team ERA than the Cubs? (More on these guys in a second.)

15-19. The Reds, Cardinals, Astros, Mets and Brewers on the road in September.

You mean five teams who are a combined eight games over .500? Wow. Scary.

20. The Diamondbacks in October.

There you go. We knew they would be on here again. The Diamondbacks, that fearsome team who have gone 7-14 since May 18?

21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

And well, mind you. Because the offense does not work. It’s a shambles. Here’s a list of all of the teams in baseball who have scored more runs than the Cubs.

• Texas

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

Yes he does, and it’s stunted his performance so much that he has the highest batting average and on base percentage among National League shortstops.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

Reed Johnson’s on base percentage is only .342, on previous Cubs’ teams it would be cause for canonization, but on this one? Meh. He’s in a platoon, because he doesn’t hit righties (.232 ave, .291 obp, .333 slg) very well. But lefties? (.318, .413, .455) But your way is much better. Sure.

24. The best left-handed power threat is in the minors.

Where’s he gonna play? First? Left? Right? Besides, he’s a 28 year old rookie. Unless a tree in his yard was struck by lightning in the offseason and he carved a bat he calls Wonderboy out of it, I don’t think having Michael Hoffpauir in Iowa or on the bench is too much of a hindrance.

25. Michael Wuertz: too many walks.

Because the 12th man on the pitching staff is the main reason teams fail to reach the World Series.

26. Soriano: not enough.

The Cubs lead the league in walks, something tells me, just because Soriano’s only on pace to walk 45 times (14 more than last year) isn’t going to stop them.

27. Lou Piniella allowed only one four-letter trip to the mound per inning without changing pitchers.

True, but he’s allowed as many four-letter trips to the press box as he wants. You better watch your ass you Timothy Busfield wanna be look a like.

28. The Cubs have a rookie behind the plate.

A rookie who’s going to start in the All-Star Game and a rookie who’s already started two playoff games? That rookie?

29. They don’t have an every-day center fielder.

How many years do we have to go back before can find a team that platooned centerfielders and won a World Series? Oh…one. Gordy, meet Coco and Jacoby.

30. The shortstop hasn’t been a big-league starter for a full season and struggled last year in September.

If that’s as good a case you can make against Ryan Theriot. You’ve failed. Miserably. Just like your barber does every time he tries to make you look presentable.

31. Is converted closer Ryan Dempster a legitimate No. 2 starter who can hold up at this level all season and through October?

When did we switch from reasons to questions? Shit, I need a GPS to follow this thing.

32. If he’s not, the Cubs don’t have a front-line No. 2 playoff starter.

Don’t make Ted angry. When you make Ted angry, people end up in several duffel bags.

33. If you need 13 pitchers in June, what does that say about August and September?

It probably says nothing. Except that in September you can have 32 of them if you want.

34. Can Geovany Soto keep it up all year?

Hey dipshit, it’s a question again. At least the questions don’t have homosexual undertones.

35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

Spoke too soon. Seriously, what the hell is that? They do make you wear pants in the press box right? Keep your hands where we can see them, pervy.

36. Last time on the mound, Carlos Zambrano cursed, hulked and jumped around like the out-of-control kid he said he’d outgrown.

In a game he won. Then, (assuming you really did write this on Friday) in his next start he didn’t show any of that, and he took a rare beating like a man. Then, he took it out on the Gatorade jugs. You should be worried that Carlos has said that in Venezuela the ritual for expunging a run of bad luck is to sacrifice an Albino.

37. Rumor has it you can’t boo Soriano at Wrigley anymore, and he says that motivated him.

Alfonso can’t hear you, Gord. He still has his 29 RBI May in his ears.

38. The rotation already is abusing the bullpen (second-fewest starter innings in the NL).

You’ve used this excuse already. I thought you had lots of them. Shit, we’re only on 38, how dumb are these going to get?

39. Jim Hendry hasn’t made his big move yet, which means we don’t know if the Cubs are getting C.C. Sabathia or Steve Trachsel.

World Series teams always add great players at the deadline. Remember who Boston got last year? It was Bobby Kielty (off waivers.) St. Louis added Ronnie Belliard in 2006. The White Sox added Geoff Blum in their alleged World Series season.

40. The Cubs ain’t getting Sabathia.

Thank you Mr. Kreskin. Nobody’s likely to get Sabathia, and since the Indians aren’t likely to make the playoffs, it’s not going to hurt the Cubs’ chances, now is it?

41. Kosuke Fukudome never has played more than 142 games in a season.

Did he sleep through the final 20? Oh, wait, they didn’t schedule more than that. It’s really hurt Ichiro and Hideki MattSuhey’s careers.

42. Fukudome never has played a schedule that involved so much as a time-zone change until this year.

He also never played a schedule with a fanny pack wearing douche with a pencil chasing him around. So knock it off.

43. Between Wood, Reed Johnson and Scott Eyre, there are more goats dangling from Cub chins than Billy Sianis ever could conjure.

As opposed to the half-assed Van Dyck you’ve tried to grow?

44. Aramis Ramirez is on pace for 93 walks and a .425 on-base percentage. Not a chance.

Now you’re just trying to piss us off. If you haven’t noticed, he’s the best player on the team. I’m sure you figured that Derrek Lee couldn’t hit .335 in 2005, too.

45. Bartman back in force after Moises Alou blames him all over again for 2003.

Sigh. Really? You’re a sad little man.

46. Depth.

What point are you trying to make here? That a team with a backup shortstop good enough to start on 20 other big league teams, with one of the best backup catchers around, a top notch kangaroo pinch hitter, an outfielder who can play all three spots and a starting second baseman who can play almost every position on the field doesn’t have depth? Take a look at the benches of other National League teams and tell me who has better depth.

47. Carlos Lee.

48. Jason Bay.

49. Chase Utley.

Are you just randomly naming players? So one player on three teams, two of whom only play the Cubs three more times this season are going to do what, exactly? Bay helped the Pirates to a 3-9 record against the Cubs so far, Utley scored a run and drove one in against them this season.

50-51. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan.

These two really ganged up on the Cubs in 2003 and 2007 didn’t they? They’re busy putting pitchers on the DL, they don’t have time for the Cubs.

52. Chipper Jones.

You’re back to just naming players, again. I can do it, too. Terry Tiffee!

53. Through Wednesday, the Cubs had played almost two-thirds of their schedule against teams with losing records, going 26-11.

Well, get used to it. Of the 15 other teams in the National League, nine of them have losing records.

54. That leaves 12-11 against the good teams, with lots of those games left.

Actually, it depends on what “good” is. You know how many other teams in the NL are even six games over .500? Three.

55. Ronny Cedeno’s faulty brakes.

He’s already overslid second this season. He’s cool until next year.

56. Soriano’s hop.

He actually catches the ball when he does it, so what’s your point?

57. Eyre is the team’s best lefty.

Damn, you really want Ted Lilly to kill you, don’t you?

58. Eyre is 36, and his elbow is closer to 46 in pitcher years.

His ass is 140 in fat years, and you are 212 in dumb years.

59. Only four NL teams had more errors through Wednesday.

That’s a cute little stat. I’ll bet your proud of it. But what if I told you that only four teams in the NL have allowed fewer unearned runs than the Cubs? And, what if I told you that only one has a better defensive efficiency rating than the Cubs? Dumbass.

60. Setup ace Carlos Marmol is on pace for 84 games and 102 innings in his first full season in the role.

You mean in his first full season when he’s not a starting pitcher? Lou wants to cut down on the Marmot’s innings, and just like Wood a lot of them are a product of the Cubs kicking ass and getting leads late in every game. Last night he threw three pitches.

61. It might take awhile before Hendry lands Randy Wolf (worth watching).

Dare to dream.

62. Daryle Ward (back) is more important to this team than a lot of people think.

Apparently you are one of them, you just said the team doesn’t have any depth, and they’ve really struggled without him so far (17-8 without him.)

63. Jeff Samardzija is still a year away. 64. Andrew Cashner is still a Horned Frog. 65. The farm system has yielded all the help it had to offer. 66. One of the best four starting pitchers is a rookie.

Did anybody think Samardzija was going to pitch for the Cubs before 2011? Or that a draft pick would actually pitch in the season he’s drafted in? And weren’t you just going on about Rich Hill and Sean Marshall in Iowa? And nobody ever wins a World Series with a rookie pitcher in the rotation. Hasn’t happened since…last year.

67. Nothing longer than a two-game losing streak? Even the other ’08 Cubs lost five straight — twice. It’s coming.

Didn’t you just prove you can lose five in a row twice and still win the World Series?

68. They can’t play the NL West all year.

Well, that crapfest in the NL East looks tasty, they can feed on that for a while.

69. Black cats and Johan Santana.

What the fuck does this even mean? I hope you get hit by a bus.

70-80. The 1911, 1919, 1930, 1933, 1936, 1939, 1946, 1985, 1990, 1999 and 2004 seasons that all fell short the year after Cubs postseason appearances.

Only the last four occurred in seasons when you didn’t have to win the pennant to go to the playoffs. Four isn’t much of a trend.

81. The last time the Cubs had at least three All-Stars (2004), they didn’t make the playoffs.

So it’s fewer good players you want, then. Nice strategy.

82. The last time they had more than four (six in 1988), they finished 24 games out.

Again, less good players equals winning! Gotcha. The Nationals are going to be kick ass, then.

83. The last time they had a rookie All-Star (Sam Jones in 1955), they finished 26 games out.

And the last time you had a coherent thought was second grade.

84. ’84.

This is no time to brag about your IQ test score.

85. Fukudome SI cover jinx.

He was on it a few weeks ago and it didn’t slow him down. When’s he going to be on it again oh Yuri Gellar wannabe?

86. They have a losing record against Washington.

Colorado had a losing record against Kansas City last year and won the pennant. What’s your point?

87. They’ve lost 10 straight to Florida.

And how many in this season? Oh, wait. It’s zero. Are we playing for last year’s World Series now?

88. They lose a rare day off between a Toronto-Tampa turnaround because of the Hall of Fame Game on June 16 during an already tough month for travel.

Cooperstown is between Toronto and Tampa, right? The starters will play two innings, right? They’ll still have time for booze and whores when they get to Tampa. Things will be OK, Gordo.

89. Of the 124 teams to play in the Hall of Fame Game since 1940, only seven made it to the World Series (5.6 percent) — none since the 1991 Twins.

Holy shit. Could you have found a more random number than that? Two teams in the Hall of Fame game, two in the World Series. I’m surprised seven have made it. I’d say that number proves nothing other than you’re an anal retentive little shit.

90. The Cubs missed the postseason all six times they played in the HOF game, finishing a collective 40 games under .500 and 130 games out of first.

If you haven’t noticed, Gordy, the Cubs have pretty much sucked for a century. Especially since the inception of the Hall of Fame game in 1940. Please kiss yourself on the ass.

91. Not ready for prime time players? Cubs 20-10 in day games, but late October is all night games.

And 21-14 in night games. Not a huge disparity there. You’re out of ideas, aren’t you?

92. Mathematically, they’re in the biggest division in the majors… 93. …and the larger league.

Well, you can count. This has killed the NL Central in the past. Because the division and league are so huge, the Central has only had three of the last four pennant winners.

94. Albert Pujols.

Yes?

95. Greg Maddux — pitching for Milwaukee by mid-July.

Why would he approve a trade to fourth place?

96. Pursuit of naming-rights deal for rings could delay title plans by a year.

Hilarious. How droll. Maybe your bankrupt newspaper can sponsor them?

97. Dominican cockfighting season starts in September. Talk about distractions.

E-ramis says it doesn’t start until December.

98. The 1978 Red Sox and Bucky [expletive] Dent.

99. The 1964 Phillies and Gene ”Send Him Out Again” Mauch.

100. The 2007 Mets and Tom ”Crushed” Glavine.

More from your “doesn’t have anything to do with anything” file of bullshit.

101. Believe what you read? St. Louis headline last year: ”No Tinker, no Evers, no chance.”

I believe what I read. Chicago headline sometime later this year: “Pederast Wittenmyer to room with Goldman, jailer says” Stick to your day job, Gordon. You know, writing game recaps that nobody reads.