Somebody better check Hank’s fly.

It’s July 1, the Cubs have the best record in the National League (a half game behind the Tampa Bay Rays for best in baseball) and they’ve outscored their opponents by 101 runs (the Phillies are next with a +72 differential). In other words, the Cubs are kicking ass and taking names, and yeah, it doesn’t feel like it.

However, consider this. Now that the folly that is Interleague Play is over, the Cubs are back to beating up on the National League. They have won 16 of their last 21 against the NL. They are 20 games over .500 against the NL. The National League sucks. The American League just bent it over and showed it who daddy was and the Cubs’ 6-9 record against the junior circuit looked pretty good compared to everybody else. Only three teams, the Braves, the Mets and the scrappy–I mean crappy–Cincinnati Reds had winning records against the American League.

See! Isn’t that better? I’m sure you’re all fired up now.

At this writing the Cubs are currently missing almost $300 million worth of baseball player in Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Zambrano, E-ramis Ramirez and Reed Johnson. (I include Reed mainly to make him feel good about himself. It’s all positive today at Desipio! Until we get to Marquis and Cedeno, anyway.)

The good news is that the steaming pile of cash is about to come back. Reed will be activated tomorrow, E-ramis is allegedly coming back from his birth-of-a-child-12th-annual-cockfighting- championships-personal-leave on Thursday, Carlos is going to pitch Friday in St. Louis and Soriano apparently flew to San Francisco Sunday night, only to fly back to Chicago today for a pre-scheduled x-ray so that they can decide if he should start taking batting practice on Friday. Huh? Why did he fly to San Francisco? Did he need the frequent flyer miles? I know he was there, they showed him last night. I don’t get it. And don’t they have x-ray machines in San Francisco? I know they do, it’s how they find the gerbils.

Anyway, we’re probably going to look back at the Cubs’ 14-12 June and think they did pretty well to post a winning record despite having to sift through the injuries and trips to Tampa (best home record in baseball) and the south side (fourth most home wins in baseball). During the month, only one team in the division made up any ground against the Cubs. The Brewers were seven games back, now they are 5.5. That’s it.

Derrek Lee — June stats .283 ave/.371 oba/.404 slg, 2 HR, 14 RBI

Derrek slumped through a big hunk of June, but seems to have come out of it. He’s still playing tremendous defense, rocking a full beard and anchoring the lineup and the team. He even got to DH a little bit during the trip through Toronto and Tampa, which seems odd that a guy who stands next to first base for three hours needs a rest. Or maybe not.

Mark DeRosa — June stats .279/.374/.465, 5 HR, 16 RBI

Suddenly, Lee’s June stats are looking even sadder. Especially since DeRosa did the bulk of his work (two homers, six RBI) last night. His walks (12) to strikeouts (16) weren’t bad, but it just felt like he took a crapload of called thirds, didn’t it? Maybe it’s just me. DeRosa’s a prime example of what the Cubs’ lineup looks like when everybody’s healthy. He bats eighth. It’s ridiculous to have that good of an eighth place hitter. But take a guy or two out of the lineup and suddenly he’s hitting fifth or six and that’s not quite as exciting.

Ryan Theriot — June stats .309/.369/.340, 0 HR, 9 RBI, 9 BB, 7 K

I keep waiting for him to fall off the map, but the little bastard just keeps on hitting. So now what can I harp on? The fact that his arm is so weak that he has to play a shallow shortstop and balls up the middle that most shortstops could get to get through? I suppose I could. Or I could harp on his surprisingly bad baserunning this year, which was capped by his exhibition on Sunday night when on a very hard hit line drive he was doubled off of second, even though the throw originally went to first, and the first baseman fell down before getting up to still throw him out, which him standing in the baseline looking disgusted.

But, the fact is that our gritty little friend is doing a nice job. He’s getting on base, he knows his limitations at the plate and the ladies love him. So that’s enough for me. For now.

E-ramis Ramirez — June stats .268/.330/.461, 5 HR, 17 RBI

E-ramis had a strange June. He went AWOL (2007 playoffs style) in two big road series. When the Cubs went to Tampa and the south side E-ramis did worse than nothing, he was an out machine. But when the Sox came to Wrigley in between he singlehandedly murdered them, cut them into pieces, put them into garbage bags and happily gave them to Ted Lilly.

The only concern I have over E-ramis is that his walks are dropping quite precipitously. He walked 18 times in April 15 times in May and only nine times in June. That and the fact that any good ballplayer knows that you only knock a lady up in the months of March through June so that the kid is born in the offseason. Come on, even Shawn Kemp knew how to count backward by nines. (Maybe not, actually.)

But if E-ramis should get out the whupping stick in the big three gamer down at the new Big Urinal Cake, all will be forgiven.

Geovany Soto — June stats .250/.327/.420, 4 HR, 9 RBI

His numbers are dropping every month, too, though they’re still not too bad. And it’s probably not a shock. Catchers, especially doughy, fat ones, see a dropoff as the weather heats up. It just means that come October he’ll be ready to rebound…or he’ll weigh 170 pounds and he won’t be able to keep his pants up at the plate. He’s going to start the All-Star Game for the NL and he deserves it. His defense is good, he calls a good game, he’s chipping on on offense. The biggest improvements over a good, but not great team in 2007 are that the catcher, shortstop, right and centerfielders are no longer completely useless.

Hank White — June stats .240/.269/.240, 0 HR, 1 RBI, .566 HWEqBA

His offensive stats are quickly dropping to realistic levels, and I know with Soriano hurt it’s been hard for Lou to take Soto out of the lineup, but Hank’s going to need to get more starts during the summer, or Geo really is going to wear out. You get what you expect from Hank. He’s a terrific defensive catcher, one of the greats of all-time throwing out runners (that’s not even an exaggeration as ludicrous as it may seem) and he bats as though he’s misplaced his bat and is using the cardboard inside of a roll of Christmas wrapping paper.

Mike Fontenot — June .250/.286/.500, 2 HR, 3 RBI

All of his limitations were on display Friday against the White Sox. A line drive just got over his glove for a single (he’s 4’1), he was late covering the bag on a throw from Eric Patterson and then whiffed on it anyway. He got overmatched in two at bats. He’s certainly not a terrible player, but we’ve said it before, you can’t be a utility infielder if you can only play one position. The Cubs get by because DeRosa plays three infield spot and two outfield ones, and Ronny Cedeno can play three infield spots. But if there’s a guy on the team who is susceptible to being upgraded over it has to be Fontenot. Lou loves him, but you know what Lou really loves? Winning. If he thought he had a better option, he’d go with it. Hendry needs to be looking for a better option.

Ronny Cedeno — June .214/.267/.238, 0 HR, 1 RBI, 14 K, 3 BB

Holy crap, when he hit, he hit hard didn’t he? We knew he wasn’t really as good as his April was, but since then he’s been worse than ever. His strikeout with the bases loaded and nobody out in the ninth inning against Baltimore was one of the worst ever recorded by mankind. His trade value, if it was ever high, isn’t now. He’s back to just being fast, dumb, athletic, dumb and terrible.

Alfonso Soriano — June .258/.318/.500, 3 HR, 6 RBI

We all knew the Cubs would miss him, but it took them a while to show it. Probably long enough that we were all spoiled that the offense would cruise on unabated without him. It didn’t. Then, when you saw the Todd Hundley-style fielding exhibition Eric Patterson broke out on Friday at US Comiskular, you actually realized that the Cubs need his defense, too. Barring an unforseen setback, he’ll be back at least 10 days earlier than originally projected. Maybe he’s been in Albert Pujols’ medicine cabinet? Nah, for broken bones you just need to drink a shitload of milk.

Kosuke Fukudome — June stats .264/.387/.402, 3 HR, 13 RBI

Since moving to the leadoff spot when Reed Johnson splattered himself all over Willy Aybar, Fukkake is hitting .293/.408/.415 and if Lassie continues to hit, there’s a good chance that Fukudome will hit second once Soriano comes off the DL. I still love this guy. His good at bats far outnumber his bad ones (even though he coughed one up after Ronny against Baltimore, too) and he’s a phenomenal outfielder. His sore calf caused the Cubs to start one of the worst defensive outfields of all time on Friday when they sent out Eric Patterson, a one-legged Lassie (three legged?) and Daryle Ward. Kosuke. Don’t make them do that again, please.

Lassie — June stats .319/.419/.667, 6 HR, 19 RBI, 13 BB, 15 K

Who saw this coming? Nobody, that’s who. Whether it was his new (old) batting stance, or him getting off the anti-concussion drugs (I still think it was just Valtrex and Rohypnol), he went nuts in June. Those numbers are good enough to make him a serious candidate for NL player of the month. The Cubs went 14-12 in June, and how many of those games would have have lost if Lassie wasn’t out of his mind at the plate? I don’t even want to think about it. Like I said before, now that we know how nuts this is making Cardinals’ fans it’s become easy to root for him to do well. Plus, there’s the added sense of satisfaction that when he finally starts to suck again that we can just boo him and throw dog poop at his car.

Ginger Murton — June stats .294/.333/.412, 0 HR, 2 RBI

Finally…for the first time since…last year, we saw Ginger turn on some pitches last night, and he responded with a pair of doubles and a really long foul ball. On Comcast SportsNet Bay Area Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper really enjoyed the replays of Murton cranking one to left, dropping his bat and starting his home run trot, only to see the ball go 40 feet foul. I guess when you haven’t hit a ball hard since July of 2007 you forget what a fair homer feels like. His two hits last night probably bought him some extra time, as Patterson is likely to go down tomorrow when Johnson comes off the DL. Yay?

Eric Patterson — June stats .300/.389/.433, 1 HR, 6 RBI

I hope the Patterson family burns copies of the Saturday and Sunday Cubs-Sox games at Wrigley onto a DVD for him, because after Friday’s trainwreck at the Cell, Eric’s Cubs’ days are over, at least for this call up. It wasn’t just one misplay in the outfield it was four, and three of them had little to do with not being accustomed to left. When you add in his terrible play in the Jason Marquis start against the Orioles, when he called off Theriot on a pop-up that Ryan was camped under, then dropped it…sorry Eric. Take your plaque and your $100 back to Des Moines.

Micah Hoffpauir — June stats .350/.381/.500, 0 HR, 0 RBI

The Northside Baseball twits are still upset that Micah got sent down “after doing so great.” If great means playing the outfield like a syphilitic moose, striking out twice in spots that called for simply a sac fly and getting a few singles, then yes, it’s a tragedy that Micah’s gone. Hopefully he’s got trade value, because he looks like a guy who could put up pretty good numbers, for cheap, at first base. The Cubs really don’t need a first baseman these days.

Reed Johnson — June stats .310/.323/.517, 1 HR, 7 RBI

From the day Lassie showed up, Reed has bristled at how short his playing time has been cut. Then, when Soriano went on the DL, Reed was ready to go. He hit a bomb in Toronto on his return to his old team, he played fine defense and then in the opener against the Rays he tried a Neifi-esque surprise bunt with two outs in the ninth. Unlike Neifi’s the strategy was sound. Like Neifi’s it resulted in terribleness for the Cubs. Neifi’s bunt was senseless and futile. Reed’s put him on the disabled list and he missed out on two straight weeks worth of starts. Oops.

Daryle Ward — June stats .462/.500/.462, 0 HR, 2 RBI

The Fat Kangaroo is not as fat now. After going on the DL with a herniated disc in his back, Daryle was told that one way to really help out that injury would be to drop some weight, and so he did. Despite that, he still runs like a glacier and we still are treated to him singling to right, hopping to first, pulling a pinch runner out of his pouch and hopping back to the dugout. It never gets old. Such is the dilemma of the Cubs’ bench, though. In Ward they have an accomplished pinch hitter, a very valuable guy to have lurking on the bench late in games. But like Fontenot, they’re carrying a guy who can only play one position (first base). Oh, he can play right field. If by playing it you mean stand in one place and hope they don’t hit the ball at him.

Felix Pie — Iowa stats .178, .231, .347

Good god, man. He was so bad at Iowa that he’s now at Rich Hill Fantasy Camp in Mesa. If he had just gone to Iowa, worked on his new swing and stopped sulking, he would have come back when Johnson got hurt, so that they wouldn’t have had to keep putting infielders in the outfield. But he didn’t. He started to warm up after a couple weeks down there, then hurt his wrist. Now he’s in Arizona to rehab. Or detox. Nobody’s quite sure.

Carlos Zambrano — June stats 1-2, 5.68 ERA, 13 K, 12 BB

His numbers show that something was wrong, and he went on the DL almost two weeks ago. Hopefully the doctors were right and it was just a mild strain in his shoulder. The thing is, you just never know. The best sign is that Carlos started to feel good not long after he left that game in Tampa with a sore shoulder. He felt so good that when the Cubs put him on the DL three days later he respectfully disagreed and tore up the shower (presumably with his left hand). His side session on Sunday went so well he stormed into Lou’s office and demanded to start that night. Despite the fact that he was on the DL. Hey, nobody said he was logical. Whatever the case, the Cubs are in need of adding a starting pitcher. If Carlos isn’t healthy, they’re going to need two, and if that’s the case they’d really be screwed.

Theodore Roosevelt Lilly — June stats 4-1, 3.02 ERA, 39 K, 17 BB

Ted seems to have it all put back together. He had a lousy April but has been much better since. He tore through that AAA lineup (that might be charitable) that San Francisco started last night and after a rough start to his start against the Sox he settled in and kept it close so the Cubs could come back and win it. I could live without him doing that ghey little jump on the mound when he thinks he’s given up a homer, but he’s been a pretty good get for the Cubs since Hendry signed him during an angioplasty two years ago.

Jason Marquis — June stats 4-1, 4.55 ERA, 23 K, 8 BB

No matter how well he’s going, you can’t get comfortable when he’s on the mound. Even at his rare best the wheels are set to fall off without a moment’s notice. Kind of like they did against a mediocre Baltimore team last week. I still think that if he’d just ditch the slider and pound his sinker with an occasional change up he’d be a far better pitcher. I also think it’d be great if he were traded to a team on Jupiter.

Sean Gallagher — June stats 1-2, 4.23 ERA, 30 K, 10 BB

If the Cubs are going to trade for an impact pitcher he’s going to be in the trade. If they settle for a dud like Randy Wolf then he won’t be. He looks like he’s going to be a good big league pitcher, but the Cubs should be in win-now mode, and even the best of pitching prospects (which he’s not quite at that level) are better off being traded than waited on. I wasn’t fond of Lou leaving him in to throw 120 pitches on Friday, but consider this. In his more than a season and a half with the Cubs, Lou has allowed a pitcher to throw 120 or more pitches seven times. In his first season alone, Dusty let Prior, Wood and Zambrano do it 28 times.

Sean Marshall — June stats 0-2, 5.40 ERA, 12 K, 2 BB

The laconic lefty is an enigma. He’s got good stuff, and at times he can make it look easy. But god forbid you ask him to put down a bunt, run to a base or field his position. That’s not to say that he couldn’t become a good big league starter, but you know what? All of that would help.

Kerry Wood — June stats 2-0, seven saves, 0.82 ERA, 19 K, 3 BB

If people had doubts about how this closer thing would work in April, they were pretty much gone in May, but if any remained, they were obliterated in June. Kerry was the balls. Highlighted by an inning of dominance against the White Sox in which the three Sox hitters had less than no chance. Oh, sure he’s still going to make things interesting once and a while (like he did in LA that one night) but all closers do that. He’s so good at this job, you wonder why nobody thought of it before.

Carlos Marmol — June stats 0-2, 7.36 ERA, 12 K, 9 BB

His stats are skewed by two really bad appearances back to back against Tampa and Baltimore, but he seems to have fixed what ailed him. Sure, he gave up a homer on Friday to Carlos Quentin, but it came on a pitch that Quentin couldn’t even manage a full swing at. It was purely bad luck that it carried far enough to be a homer. The Cubs had been so hot for so long that he and Wood seemed to pitch every day and it probably caught up to Carlos. Now that they’ve been playing worse both have been getting rest. Actually, they’re rested. Time to get hot and let them get to work again.

Bob Howry — June stats 1-0, 4.50 ERA, 8 K, 1 BB

Bob’s been OK after a terrible April, but every time you think he’s really ready to put together a nice run he gets touched up a little. He’s still the most reliable reliever the Cubs have outside of Kerry and Barack Omarmol. Then again, when you look at the rest of clowns, that’s kind of like having the best toupee at the barber shop.

Scott Eyre — June stats 0-0, 8.10 ERA, 8 K, 3 BB

The most useless stat of the season was fat boy’s 32 straight appearances without giving up a run from the end of the last year through sometime in June. Lou had been hiding him, not letting him pitch in big spots and taking him out after a batter or two. When Lou finally showed some faith in him, he started getting lit up, then he faked an injury so he could sit his fat ass in the bullpen, on the DL, eating Laffy Taffy out of that pink backpack.

Neal Cotts — June stats 0-1, 4.00 ERA, 11 K, 5 BB

Ever since he threw that ball into the rightfield corner in Tampa, I have just wanted to see him on or under a bus.

Michael Wuertz — June stats 0-0, 2.08 ERA, 7 K, 5 BB

His numbers look OK, except for the strikeouts to walks and the fact that whenever he comes in with a multiple run lead and Lou wants him to go an inning or more he panics and can’t throw strikes. If Jose Gascan-io pitches as well this time around as he did last time, Mike could find his way back to Iowa. And since he’s out of options, it might not be Iowa. It might be worse. Like Detroit.

Jon Lieber — June stats 0-0, 1.64 ERA, 6 K, 2 BB

You kind of wonder whether he ought to get one more shot at starting before he ends up relegated to jizzmop duty for the rest of the season. Granted, his one start in Cincinnati was a disaster, but that’s a bad ballpark and a bad (lefty dominated) lineup for him. Instead of juggling the rotation around off days, maybe every once and a while Lou ought to just give tubby a start. Like tonight, instead of Marquis. Hey, with the size of the park and the Giants’ lineup he could probably shut them out for the rest of the week.

Kevin Hart — June stats 0-0, 21.60 ERA, 1 K, 3 BB

He was lousy in his most call up, but he probably didn’t deserve to get hit in the face with a line drive in his first game back in Des Moines. Ya think?

Jose Gascan-io — June stats 0-0, 27.00 ERA, 0 K, 1 BB, 2/3 IP

I liked this guy the first time he was up, though he didn’t do so great against the Sox this weekend. Hey, it’s only one game. Two things we know about Jose. He’s got a good arm, and he can take a punch.

Rich Hill — Iowa stats 2-2, 3.38 ERA, 25 K, 18 BB

Guh. What would the Cubs’ record be if he had just been mediocre so far this year? Say he was, 6-5 with a 4.25 ERA and a decent, but not sterling strikeout to walk ratio? Would they be 53-30? Ahh, who knows? What is obvious is that at best he’s going to get one more crack at the rotation after the All-Star Game, and that there’s going to be a lot of pressure on him to throw strikes and that our little Richie does not react well to pressure. You know, kind of like there will be in October. Then again, maybe he’ll surprise us, and sac it up and prove he’s not a spoiled little priss who can’t handle it when things aren’t going his way. Let’s just acknowledge we’re not counting on that.

Lou Piniella — His postgame press conferences are must sees. He can never quite remember how all the runs scored, but he can tell you what was “big” and who sucked. He’s a good manager who knows his players, understands situations and gets the most out of his team. He’s fun to watch. It’s nice to have actual confidence in a manager for a change.

As you know at the end of these things, we always break down something tangential to the Cubs. In the past it’s been the coaching staff, the announcers, even the beat writers.

Last night, DirecTV screwed up and put the Giants feed on the channel that was supposed to be Comcast Sports Net Chicago Plus. It didn’t bother me, as Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow are two of my favorites and it was fun to kick back and get a different perspective on the Cubs. They’re pretty impressed with the offensive approach the Cubs have and optimistic about the Cubs’ chances of doing well in October. Of course, it probably helps that Krukow was a Cub, that Kuiper is from Racine, Wisconsin and that they both are pals with Bob Brenly. They don’t like the Cardinals much, and haven’t for a while, so that goes in their favor, too.

Any way, since I have the Extra Innings package and I see games from all over the country on a nightly basis, it seems like a good time to break down all of the TV crews on the 30 big league teams. Just not right now. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

I know, how will you sleep?