The fans, and the players and Clint Hurdle and Tito Francona have spoken, and the first 31 spots on each All-Star Roster have been set. The July 15 gang bang in the Bronx figures to be one of the best All-Star Games ever. Wait, does anybody really care about the All-Star Game? Isn’t it just the four hour exhibition they have the night after Chris Berman screams “Back, back, back, back!” several thousand times on Monday?

Anyway, let’s take a tour around the rosters for the ‘main event.’

National League All-Stars

* – Starter

Catchers – Geovany Soto, Cubs*; Russell Martin, Dodgers; Brian McCann, Braves

Fat is in behind the plate in the plate in the National League. All three are good, young players, and Soto and McCann both look like they spend the half inning their team is not in the field practicing for pie eating contests. Martin’s not fat…yet, but he’s willing to learn. Soto is the first rookie catcher ever to start an All-Star Game in the National League, and the first Cubs’ catcher to start a game since Gabby Hartnett. That tells you two things. 1) He’s good at a young age. 2) The Cubs have had 60 years of shitty catchers.

Martin is a very good catcher and he’s versatile enough that Joe Torre plays him at third instead of just giving him days off. That’s going to be great when he chases a foul ball down the line and breaks both legs in the rolled up infield tarp.

Plus, his middle name is Coltrane. (Well, one of his middle names.)

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1zGQrybWi0]

McCann has a weird looking beard.

First base – Lance Berkman, Astros*; Adrian Gonzalez, Padres; Albert Pujols, Cardinals

Fat Elvis is having a monster year and deserves to be starting in the game. But we all remember in 2004 when he pretended to get hit in the head by that Mike Remlinger fastball. So, he also deserves to be mugged and raped on a New York City subway.

Adrian Gonzalez is having a nice year, but let’s face it, he’s only on the team because the NL had to pick a Padre and because Jake Peavy is having his chest waxed that night.

Albert Pujols should have been on the DL during the All-Star Game, but his calf muscle magically healed itself, and his PED supplier has a place in Manhattan, so it’s a convenient stop for Pujols, who attended the All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium as a kid in 1939.

Second base – Chase Utley, Phillies*; Dan Uggla, Marlins

Utley and Uggla? Sounds like Dr. Seuss is picking All-Star teams this year. Both are deserving choices, though not as deserving as Mike Fontenot. How Clint Hurdle can sleep at night, I have no idea.

Shortstop – Hanley Ramirez, Marlins*; Cristian Guzman, Nationals; Miguel Tejada, Astros

When a Marlin gets voted in, you know he’s good, because they average about 1,200 fans a night and their most rabid fan bases–the elderly and Cuban refugees–don’t enjoy much access to broadband.

Guzman used to be one of the worst players in all of baseball. Now he’s one of the worst players in baseball to have one lucky half. He’s like a hairier Jack Armstrong.

Tejada? How he’s on the team and not Jose Reyes makes no sense. The Astros already had a guy on the team, Tejada isn’t slugging (.436) isn’t getting on base (.323) and his road numbers are hellaciously bad (.250/.301/.389). But hey, at least he won’t risk flying home to the Dominican and having the state department not let him back in.

Third base – Larry Wayne Jones, Braves*; E-ramis Ramirez, Cubs

All Chipper had to do was almost hit .400 and the fans voted him in. His current OPS of 1.114 would be a career high. Not bad for a 38 year old playing on one leg. He’s excited about getting to go back to the All-Star Game because it gave him an excuse when Chip Caray asked him if he and his Hooters’ waitress wife wanted to spend the break in Orlando with Chip and his imaginary family.

E-ramis’ numbers are all just a little bit worse than the Mets’ David Wright, but E-ramis plays on the best team in the National League, so suck on that Dave! How’s that taste? Learn to love it.

Outfield – Alfonso Soriano, Cubs*; Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs*; Ryan Braun, Brewers*; Matt Holliday, Rockies; Ryan Ludwick, Cardinals; Nate McLouth, Pissburgh

Soriano hasn’t played since June 11 and his overall numbers aren’t that far off of anybody else’s in this group. Ryan Braun has more homers and RBI of course, but check out their ‘averages.’

Braun – .283 ave., .322 oba, .541 slg
Soriano – .283 ave, .332 oba, .547 slg

It means nothing, but I thought it was interesting, only because without looking I’d have assumed Braun’s were higher in all three categories.

Soriano won’t play but he’s coming because him and E-ramis are going to charter a jet and bring all of the Cubs with them. Then they’re flying to the DR for two days. I wonder if the Cubs have to go with? Probably not Dempster. They’d “accidentally” tell him the wrong gate and leave him at LaGuardia.

Fukudome’s numbers are starting to dip, but other than an increase in strikeouts lately, they’re still pretty good. He’s too good of a hitter to stay in a slump too long. Unless they start McLouth (which they won’t) he’s going to have to play center. Could you imagine if Soriano had been healthy and Ken Griffey Jr had held onto a starting spot? How about three innings of Soriano-Braun-Griffey chasing balls in the outfield? Yeesh.

Holliday’s having another monster year, though he missed some time, apparently over guilt from realizing he never touched home plate in the 163rd game of last season.

Then, we get to two of the shittiest All-Star outfielders of all time. Ryan Ludwick and Nate McLouth. Both have decent overall numbers, but both got off to fluky starts and have been horrendous since June 1.

McLouth has hit .214/.272/.350 since, and Ludwick .228/.285/.409. Yay?

Pitchers

Starting pitchers – Carlos Zambrano, Cubs*; Aaron Cook, Rockies; Ryan Dempster, Cubs; Tim Lincecum, Giants; Ben Sheets, Brewers; Edinson Volquez, Reds; Brandon Webb, Diamondbacks; Dan Haren, Diamondbacks
Relief pitchers – Brad Lidge, Phillies; Billy Wagner, Mets; Brian Wilson, Giants; Kerry Wood, Cubs

Hurdle has tentatively picked Zambrano to start, which seems wise, considering he just came off the DL. He’s going to have Edinson Volquez throw 140 pitches in the bullpen before he pitches his inning to better simulate what it’s like every fifth day for Edinson pitching under the watchful eye of Dusty Baker. Cook has had a great year and is a pretty cool story considering blood clots nearly ended his career a couple of years ago. Dempster has made a transition from decent closer to better than decent starter which has surprised the crap out of everybody. Lincecum will most likely spend the night being handed bats and having to tell guys, “I am not the bat boy!” Sheets will probably fall down in the shower and break both legs. Webb and Haren will try to explain to their All-Star teammates how a team with them pitching 40 percent of their games can’t win 50 percent of them.

Lidge is under orders from the Phillies not to even look at Albert Pujols. Wagner is on hand to blow any lead the NL might get. Putting Wilson in Yankee Stadium with Chris Berman is not wise. He’s about four Beach Boys references away from going on a killing spree. Kerry Wood is just on the team because the NL team needed a big pair of brass ones. Oh, and that he and Lidge have been the two best closers in the league this year.

American League All-Stars

* – Starter

Catcher – Joe Mauer, Twins*; Dioner Navarro, Rays; Jason Varitek, Red Sox

Mauer is, of course, the guy the Twins drafted number one overall in 2001 because Mark Prior told them he would be too expensive for them to sign. Now, chances are the Cubs would have talked themselves out of Mauer anyway because they would have thought he would go play QB at Florida State, but…I don’t want to think about it any more. Hey, the Cubs have an All-Star catcher, too, but still…

Navarro was traded away from the Dodgers because they had Russell Martin and thought they needed Mark Hendrickson. Yikes. He’s a switch hitting catcher and all they got for him was a 6’10 pitcher? Who says Ned Colletti’s not sharp?

Varitek apparently got picked for the team because they were short on old, gritty guys who can’t hit anymore.

First base – Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox*; Justin Morneau, Twins

Apparently, Red Sox and Cubs fans have nothing better to do than vote. You know, maybe it’s because they play in the oldest parks left in baseball and there’s not much else to do, except actually watch the game and vote for All-Stars? Nah. That’s crazy. Youkilis has turned into a really good player, he’s added power this year and he’s terrific with the glove at first, and he’s still willing to start some games at third if it helps out the team. Nice.

Morneau was the MVP two years ago, had a good, but not great year last year, got paid when Torii and Johan didn’t, and is putting up big numbers again. Make of that what you will.

Second base – Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox*; Ian Kinsler, Rangers

Pedroia was Rookie of the Year last year and he’s one of those annoying little guys who do just enough to beat you. Kind of like a furrier version of Ryan Theriot. With power. And defensive range.

Kinsler can rake and this year he’s hitting for power, too. See what getting out from under Mark DeRosa’s shadow can do for a guy. (Cough, cough.)

Shortstop – Derek Jeter, Yankees*; Michael Young, Rangers

Jeter’s stats are down across the board but he’s the Captain! He’s 34, he’s played in almost 2,000 games now and…he’s going to get voted the starter at short at least five more years. Deal with it.

Young is one of four Rangers on the team. In fact, the top four guys in their batting order are on the team. And yet, Texas is 8.5 games back. Wow, those other 21 guys must blow.

Third base – Alex Rodriguez, Yankees*; Joe Crede, White Sox; Carlos Guillen, Tigers

A-Rod, despite his weird thing for old, muscular blondes is still the best hitter in the game. Crede’s an obvious All-Star because of his sterling defense (17 errors) his recent hot bat (.178 ave with a .529 OPS in the last month) and…huh? What?

Guillen has played games at third, first, left and DH and frankly, the Tigers needed an All-Star.

Designated hitter – David Ortiz, Red Sox*; Milton Bradley, Rangers

Ortiz is out with a bad wrist and rumblings are that he might not be back at all this year, even worse rumblings are that his wrist injury is an awful lot like the one his former teammate, Nomar Garciaparra had, that Nomar never really came back from.

Bradley will end up serving as the DH to start the game in his stead, and if he runs up the concourses to the press level and strangles Joe Buck in the fourth inning or earlier, every American wins a Dunkin Donut!

Outfielders – Josh Hamilton, Rangers*; Manny Ramirez, Red Sox*; Ichiro, Mariners*; JD Drew, Red Sox; Carlos Quentin, White Sox; Grady Sizemore, Indians

Hamilton is a great story, you know of a kid from a gritty background (no, wait he was middle class), who came from an abusive family (no, wait, they were very supportive) who fell victim to drug abuse (because he was bored while rehabbing an injury) who overcame all of that (made up) adversity to become a star. Look, I’m happy for him, but shit, it was all his fault anyway.

Let’s just say the All-Star staffer in charge of family tickets better get Manny as many as he wants.

Ichiro is starting again and people are complaining because his numbers are down. Oh, screw off, he’s Ichiro, he’s cool.

JD Drew is an All-Star. No, seriously. THAT JD Drew, the guy Sox fans wanted to strangle until the playoffs last year. Another reason to loathe them.

The Diamondbacks had to decide whether to keep Eric Byrnes or Carlos Quentin this offseason. They picked the older, less talented, more annoying guy because he was a “team leader.” I’d much rather have a guy leading my team in homers and RBI than teaching them how to style their hair with hand lotion and how to tear both hamstrings. But that’s just me.

Grady Sizemore is there because really, the Indians deserve two All-Stars for the great season they’re having. Yay, Indians! Thanks for tanking so badly that you could send a Cy Young winner over to the NL Central. I hope your river catches fire again and takes out Jacobs Field.

Pitchers
Starting pitchers –
Roy Halladay, Blue Jays; Scott Kazmir, Rays; Cliff Lee, Indians; Ervin Santana, Angels; Joe Saunders, Angels; Justin Duchscherer, A’s
Relief pitchers – Joe Nathan, Twins; Jonathan Papelbon, Red Sox; Mariano Rivera, Yankees; Francisco Rodriguez, Angels; George Sherrill, Orioles; Joakim Soria, Royals

Terry Francona hasn’t announced who his starter will be. I have an idea. Since it’s just going to be a parade of pitchers anyway, why not star the game with Mariano Rivera. After the lineups are introduced and the players take the field, have them play “Enter Sandman” the door files open, out comes Mariano he mows down the NL in the top of the first and the game goes on from there? Yeah, it’s just me, I guess.

Cliff Lee’s had the best half, but come on, he’s Cliff Lee, you don’t start a guy named Clifford in an All-Star Game. Hallday has the best pedigree and you could probably just let him pitch all nine innings and make 13 other AL managers very happy. The only Santana in the All-Star game is named Ervin. Not Johan. Honestly, Ervin and Johan? Honestly, a Dominican and a Venezuelan named Ervin and Johan? Who’s naming these guys, ABBA?

The Angels also have Joe Saunders and K-Rod on the All-Star team, and can you imagine how good they’d be if they could hit?

Duchscherer is back in the rotation after four full seasons of being a middle reliever, but it’s his second All-Star Game. He’s making this starting crap look easy. He’s 9-5 with a 1.96 ERA. Showoff.

Everybody makes fun of the Giants for trading Nathan (and Francisco Liriano and Boof Bonser) to the Twins for AJ Eyechart, but how come nobody rips the Red Sox for trading Nathan to the Giants in the first place. For Doug Mirabelli?

George Sherrill is on the team to make unathletic guys who have no ideas how to break in a cap feel good, and Soria is what Carlos Marmol aspires to be. He’s ridiculous.

Overall

Other than a questionable outfield for the NL, the rosters line up pretty well. The NL has an actual chance of getting home field so that the Cubs can blow games six and seven at Wrigley in the World Series this year instead of having to do it in the NLCS. Makes for better drama that way.