So much is made of the fearsome Yankees. Sure, they’re in first place. Sure, they’ve won four World Series in seven years. Sure, they win, on average a World Series every four years. But you know what really scares me?

How about a Cubs outfield of Troy O’Leary in left, Corey Patterson in center and Tom Goodwin in right? Buckle up. It’s going to be a wild weekend.

Now what would necessitate sending Corey out, basically alone, to play the outfield? Well, sometime today MLB Dominatrix Bobbi Watson is going to put the ball gag on Sammy and slap him with a five-to-seven game suspension.

If Sammy serves it immediately, which some, including Steve Stone think he should not, it puts either Troy O’Leary or Tom Goodwin in the lineup. If Moises Alou’s ouchy leg keeps him out of the lineup, it puts the other one in. This…I don’t need to tell you…would be bad.

If Mark Grudzielanek doesn’t make it back from the birth of his illegitimate child (hey, I’m going by the dictionary definition, here) that means the Cubs lineup will have five gimme outs in it (LF, RF, 2B, 3B). Let’s not speak of this again. It’s too troubling.

I wanted to do one of those cheesy, position-by-position comparisons of the teams, but with so many question marks on the Cubs it’s hard to do. Oh, what the hell, let’s cheese our way through it.

First Base
Cubs: Hee Seop Choi (.248 BA, 7 HR, 22 RBI) and Eric Karros (.294, 5, 8)
Yankees: Jason Giambi (.227, 13, 37)

What the hell happened to Giambi’s batting average? It looks on the Yankees stat sheet like he traded with Raul Mondesi. Sure, Nick Johnson might play some first in this series, but let’s not hold our breath, shall we? Giambi’s still a former MVP, still a stud. He also has the lingering effects of a staph infection in BOTH eyes. Yikes.

When you combine the Cubs first basemen, you get Hee Seop Karros and Hee Seop Karros hits about .265 with 12 homers and 30 RBI. Not bad.

Not good enough.
Advantage: Yankees (1-0)

Second Base
Cubs: Mark Grudzielanek (.296, 1, 12)
Yankees: Alfonso Soriano (.307, 11, 42)

This shouldn’t take long, should it? Gruddy’s done a great job in the leadoff spot for the Cubs and is playing great defense at second, but Soriano kicks his ass all over the field in every concievable way.
Advantage: Yankees (2-0)

Shortstop
Cubs: Alex Gonzalez (.254, 5, 22)
Yankees: Derek Jeter (.286, 3, 12)

I’m one of the guys who doesn’t buy into the Derek Jeter hype-machine. Sure he’s a good player and I’d love to have him on my team, but he’s not in the A-Rod, Nomar, Tejada class.

That said, if Derek is second-tier, Alex is third tier. But…if the game goes extras, Alex is our man.
Advantage: Yankees (3-0)

Third Base
Cubs: Ramon Martinez (.282, 1, 13) or Mark Bellhorn (.214, 2, 22) or Lenny Harris (.203, 1, 6)
Yankees: Robin Ventura (.287, 8, 29)

Wow, this is getting ugly. We really need to hurry up and get to the outfield. I know that Todd Zeile might play some at third in the series, too. The sad part, even he is better than any of the crap the Cubs are throwing out there. Honestly, until a real third baseman arrives, Dusty should just play Ramon over there. Even if he doesn’t hit, at least he’ll field the ball.
Advantage: Yankees (4-0)

Catcher
Cubs: Damian Miller (.207, 5, 20) or Paul Bako (.228, 0, 8)
Yankees: Jorge Posada (.264, 13, 39)

I hate Jorge Posada. I hate that he always lugs one of kids onto the field during the All-Star introductions. Hey, did you know that Damian Miller was an All-Star last year? Yeah, that was cool. Won’t happen again. Ever.
Advantage: Yankees (5-0)

Left Field
Cubs: Moises Alou (.286, 5, 32)
Yankees: Juan Rivera (.204, 0, 2)

The great Bubba Trammell could also make an appearance for the Yankees, but it won’t matter. Finally, the Cubs have a clear advantage at one of the positions. Phew, I thought we were facing a shut out.
Advantage: Cubs (1-5)

Center Field
Cubs: Corey Patterson (.321, 11, 44)
Yankees: Hideki Matsui (.261, 4, 36)
Patterson has more RBI than anybody on either team. How cool is that? Matsui isn’t really a center fielder and it’s pretty obvious that he isn’t much of an offensive threat either. Corey slaps Hideki around like Soriano did Gruddy.
Advantage: Cubs (2-5)

Right Field
Cubs: Sammy Sosa (.281, 6, 25)
Yankees: Raul Mondesi (.290, 10, 32)

Raul has reinvented himself and is having a nice year. But even though Sammy’s been hit in the head, had a toenail removed, been tossed from a game for corking his bat and just had an all-around crappy year, he’s still better than Raul. If Sammy’s suspended, this advantage goes the other way, but for now:
Advantage: Cubs (3-5)

Starting Pitchers

Game one
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano (5-4, 2.69 ERA, 63 K’s, 32 BB, 73.2 IP)
Yankees: David Wells (7-2, 3.35, 42 K, 3 BB, 78.0)

David Wells is a fat gasbag who needs to be slapped back in place. But check out that strikeout to walk ratio..it’s sick. Regardless, nobody in the National League is pitching better than our boy Carlos right now. He’s the perfect Wrigley Field pitcher and as crazy as it sounds, I’m going with the Cubs big guy, not the Yankees fat slob.
Advantage: Cubs (4-5)

Game two
Cubs: Kerry Wood (4-4, 3.14, 100 K, 37 BB, 77.1)
Yankees: Roger Clemens (6-3, 3.89, 82 K, 23 BB, 76.1)
Roger’s traveling circus comes to town this weekend and he needs one win for 300 and nine strikeouts for 4000. He thinks he’s getting them against a putrid Cubs offense and in front of a national TV audience. Unlike our pal Jay Mariotti, I don’t want to see this happen. So I’m going to will it to not happen.

As for Kerry Wood, he was throwing wicked crap at Houston last weekend and then suddenly forgot what was working. He won’t forget on Saturday.
Sorry Roger. Maybe your fourth try will be a charm.
Advantage: Cubs (5-5)

Game three
Cubs: Mark Prior (6-2, 2.76, 88 K, 22 BB, 84.2)
Yankees: Andy Pettitte (5-5, 4.71, 61 K, 19 BB, 72.2)

The Cubs “real” ace gets the Sunday night start, and the Yankees will get a taste of what National League hitters have the next 15 years to look forward to. They won’t like it.

Pettitte’s a fine fellow, but he’s no Mark Prior.
Advantage: Cubs (6-5)

Bullpen

The Cubs have a fully stocked arsenal at their disposal. From the nuclear arms of Kyle Farnsworth and Todd Wellemeyer, to the crafty leftiness of Mike Remlinger and Mark Guthrie, to the freakishness of El Pulpo and on to Yankees reject and improbable closer, Regular Joe.

The Yankees bullpen has been a mess all year. It still is.
Advantage: Cubs (7-5)

You come to me for sage wisdom, and I give it to you now. The Cubs win game one today behind an inspired effort from Carlos Zambrano. The Yankees win tomorrow, but not until after Roger Clemens has showered, and the Cubs take the series finale behind Prior on Sunday night.

Like Meat Loaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.

—

The AP is reporting that Sammy got an eight game suspension and will appeal, so he’ll be in right field for the three games in the Yankees series. That’s good news. As well, his suspension is likely to be reduced after his appeal (like Albert Belle’s was in 1994). Now what about this apparent non-sense that Steve Stone thinks Sammy should drop the appeal for the Cubs series’ in Baltimore and Toronto? The thinking is that with the DH you will have an extra hitter in the lineup to offset the loss of Sosa. The reality is, though, that unless the Cubs bring up Dave Kelton and hope he can figure out MLB pitching in about 20 minutes, that the fact that the OTHER team has nine real hitters only intensifies the loss of Sammy to the Cubs lineup. When your only alternatives are Troy O’Leary, Tom Goodwin and Lenny Harris…you have no alternatives. Sammy should go through with the appeal, see if he can get three games knocked off of it and then take it from there.

Rosey says Sammy’s not a criminal. Just a cheat.

Rick Morrissey says that you can x-ray every Sosa bat ever and you won’t prove his innocence. He got caught with the cork.

Kerry is ready for his assignment tomorrow.

Having the Yankees around only makes the media nuttiness even nuttier.

The Trib proves they can’t spell in this piece about the ’59 World Series.

The Kenny Williams-Dan Evans decision should’t have been about black and white. Just about dumb and smart.

The Cubs won yesterday and finally found some offense. Lenny Harris got his 1,000 hit. He’s been playing since 1988. That’s 15 years. That’s 66 hits a year for 15 years. That sucks.

John Jackson says Sammy’s timing could hardly have been worse.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to bloviate about how Sammy’s cork fest is killing the Yankees series. Who cares? The Yankees have played 900 games in Chicago since 1938, it’s not like it’s anything new. They’ve just been on the wrong side of town.

The Bulls are after Shane Battier in a trade I’d do in a heartbeat.

You can’t convince Don Baylor that Sammy cheated on purpose.

Underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli says the Bears are having “substansive” discussions with Brian Griese. I’d rather have him than Kordell. Why not?

Rick Neuheisel is going to get fired for an NCAA hoops office pool? Oh, this is a little ridiculous.

Intrepid reader Bill Catching points out that the Anti-Christ has admitted to using a corked bat in a game.

Kyle Turley’s always pissed about something.

John Donovan says the Rangers have to trade some hitting for pitching. Perhaps Jim Hendry would like to give them a call? Like, right now. He’s already made two trades with them and he got rid of Alan Benes and then…got Alan back. That’s not really the point, Jim.

Grandpa Bowden on the witness stand? Did he try and do an interview with Jack Arute during the testimony?

There are two job openings at The New York Times.

Luther Vandross is still in a coma.

Adam Sandler, who’s made four terrible movies in a row, now wants to make his fifth with Tom Cruise.

Fox News is reporting that in a hypothetical matchup between Gee Dub and Bubba, Gee Dub would win in a landslide. Notice it was Fox News who reported this.

The French are having a little fun with Serena.

America’s finest news source says a Buffalo manic depressive is “a blast when he’s manic.”