First place was on the line, the Yankees were in town and a sell out crowd had to wait an extra hour and a half to start the big weekend series. Some interesting things happened. It took Carlos Zambrano one hitter too many to settle down, David Wells pitched his fat ass off, and Corey Patterson provided a new answer to “Who’s the best Cub.”

– What is with that annoying e-Topps commercial where the guy butchers Big Choi’s name and calls him “Eee Seeyap Choi”? Just awful. Make it stop.

– If Gail Fisher makes, say, $65,000, she must think that a hairbrush costs $65,001.

– Chip kept calling game one a “matchup of two of the most storied franchises in sports history.” He’s half right.

– In the first inning, Zambrano make a great pitch to Jason Giambi on a 2-2 pitch. It should have been strike three. It wasn’t. The next pitch found some bleacher. Oops.

– When Sammy singled off of the bloviating Wells in the first inning, Chip said, “That’s the ultimate revenge.” No, Chip. You’re wrong. Again. The ultimate revenge involves having sex with Wells’ wife. Or at least hitting a homer. I’ve seen Wells’ wife. I’ll take the homer.

– Just to make this clear, Mark Bellhorn is not good at playing baseball.

– When Robin Ventura came up, Chip said, “The Cubs might have make a mistake not signing Ventura in 1999.” They re-signed Gary Gaetti. Gary’s limbs fell off in 1999. So yeah, Chip, you’re probably right. Nice one, Captain Obvious.

– Eric Collins served as the roving reporter for the game. I thought he’d be at Northwestern Memorial Hospital covering the Tyson Chandler esophagus procedure. He felt the need to interview Penny Marshall. Why didn’t he ask, “When you married Rob Reiner, are you telling me that neither one of you knew that the other one was gay?”

– In the third inning, when Carlos was struggling, Chip was amazed that Todd Wellemeyer was the first Cub up in the bullpen. What part of “long man in the bullpen” do you not get, Chip?

– It was nice of Steve Stone to perpetuate the myth that Derek Jeter has superior range at shortstop. He doesn’t. In fact, Alex Gonzalez is a better defensive shortstop than Jeter. Jeter’s a fine player and I’d love to have him. But this kind of crap has to end. The only time Jeter covered a lot of ground was when he rolled Mariah Carey over for another poke.

– I think Ramon Martinez’s homer served as a reminder why Mark Bellhorn needs to be permanently nailed to the bench.

– Carlos really pitched well after the third inning. I know, I know, it’s too little, too late. But I love this kid. I really do.

– Just wait, this morning’s paper (I’m writing this at 1:01 AM–don’t ask) will be full of crap about how if Sammy used his corked bat that his sixth inning flyout to the warning track would have been a bomb. I hate stupid sportswriters. They haven’t even published it yet and I hate it. It’s so simplistic and stupid and just wrong.

– In that inning, all three Cubs hitters, Sosa, Alou and Karros had great at bats. They nailed Wells’ outside pitches to right field. Raul Mondesi ran down all three. I hate Raul Mondesi.

– Mark Guthrie may be off the list, but I think he’s still disabled.

– Here’s some baseball acumen for you. Hideki Matsui sucks. He’s a .260 hitter with no power. He makes what, $10 million to do that? I’ll be out back flogging myself.

– Is Yankee left fielder Juan Rivera’s nickname “Jungle” Juan Rivera? If it’s not, it should be. Is “Jungle” Jim Rivera still alive? He’s from Chicago, right? We should hook those two up.

– El Pulpo was awesome out of the pen, and I enjoyed the little dance he did when he whiffed Jungle Juan.

– William Petersen is a great actor. If you’ve never seen Manhunter you need to go rent it–right now–and if you’ve never seen Long Gone you have to see it. Just a great baseball movie. William Petersen is also a huge Cubs fan, which I love about him, and his character-Gil Grissom is one of the best on TV today. All that being said, that man did things to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” that are illegal in most southern states.

– That Mike’s Hard Lemonade where the hot chick catches the big fish, they throw it in the cooler and it drinks all of the..uh..Mike’s Hard Lemonade? That commercial sucks.

– Mark Bellhorn fouled into a John Flaherty error. That’s a moral victory for “The Horn” who made “the out” later in the at bat. Awful. Please, Mark. Consider a new line of work. Perhaps selling insurance for the Knights of Columbus?

– Petersen compared the game to “the atmosphere of a World Series.” That’s nice, but we’re Cubs fans Bill, we don’t get to compare things to the World Series. We have no idea.

– Honestly, Chip and Steve should be ridiculed for having Gil Grissom in the booth and not asking him to inspect the possible homicide of Troy O’Leary. I mean, he’s certainly playing dead right now.

– The top of the eighth begins with a nice rendition of “Yankees Suck.” Cubs fans learn quickly.

– Chip went on a tirade about how it’s easier now to get 500 homers than to win 300 games. Uh, Chip, it’s always been easier you moron.

– I think it hit me in the eighth when his ball landed in the right centerfield bleachers. It’s official, Corey Patterson’s the best Cub. And it’s really not even close. His swing is a thing of beauty. I’m giddy about this.

– Isn’t it nice to have The Farns back? You know, the real Farns?

– John Stamos is making 10-10 987 commercials. I think it’s time for either a) his wife to leave him for me, or b) a Full House reunion show.

– Chip loves the word “magic” doesn’t he. It’s “two out magic”, or “ninth inning magic.” I’d like to see the kind of “magic” that ends up with Chip vanishing.

– What was that Wendell “Pineapple” Kim sound byte during the ninth inning. That little moron never makes any sense, does he?

– In the ninth, why would Dusty use Lenny Harris before Hee Seop Choi? It didn’t really matter, because Lenny hit the ball about 10 feet and Hee Seop hit it ten feet shorter than that. Oh, well.

In the end if was a 5-3 Cubs loss. A very entertaining game, though the result certainly left something to be desired.

Maybe we can work on that in game two?