While the Cubs have gone into their binary offense mode (scoring 1,1 and 0 runs in three of their first four post-All Star Break games), people are starting to panic. The panic is a little premature, since the Cubs still have the best record in the National League.
But you know what panic isn’t too premature? Any panic you’ve already started about just how terrible the Bears’ offense is going to be.
What level of panic should we have for an offense that couldn’t do anything last year and promises to be even worse this year? About this much.
The Bears open training camp in beautiful Bourbonnais, Illinois (snicker) on the raucous Olivet Nazarene campus (snicker, snicker) and we’ll get all the same perfumed bullshit from Lovie and Jerry Angelo about how there’s an open competition between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton and how that’s going to be great for the team.
First off, nobody really believes there’s an open competition. The Bears recent past indicates that as long as Rex can still stand up and wear spikes that he’s going to be the quarterback.
Secondly, if it was an open competition, would it even matter? It’s still a choice between a guy who’s never strung together more than a handful of good games, and a guy who probably never will.
One of them can’t grow a beard and the other one shouldn’t try to.
It doesn’t even feel like the Bears were in the Super Bowl just two seasons ago. But a check of the date shows that it’s been exactly one Mike Brown season ending injury since the last Bears’ Super Bowl, so that has to be just one season ago.
Last year, everybody got hurt. It’s not even an exaggeration, I think every single player suffered a season-ending injury at some point. When the season ended with that inspirational (yawn) win over the New Orleans Saints, the Bears were so injury depleted that Ken Margerum started at wide receiver.
Orton went 2-1 to finish the season. He outdueled Brett Farvuhruh in week 16 in a 35-7 pounding of the Packers. You remember it, the game when the wind blew 147 miles an hour, and Brett kept rubbing those little handwarmer things all over his face? Orton, was impervious to the elements.
I mean look at that face! How can you not be confident in that?
So, we’re agreed. Rex sucks and has sucked for a long time, so there’s no need watch him continue to suck. It’s Orton’s time. Let’s watch Kyle suck for a while!
The thing is, even if Kyle was competent, the offense around him is so woeful that it probably wouldn’t even matter.
The best player on the offense is a rookie running back, and the only reason he’s the best is because we haven’t had a chance to figure out why he’s not yet. Yay?
His backups are a dwarf, a special teams ace with a stutter and a guy who just had his ACL sewn back together about eight months ago. Who says the Bears don’t have depth?
The wide receiving corps is a interesting assortment of “talent.” The presumed number one receiver, Marty Booker, is a former Bear who has returned. Marty played on the 1963 NFL Championship team, didn’t he? The number two is Devin Hester, the greatest kick and punt returner anyone has ever seen, and a man with all of the necessary tools to be a top flight receiver in the NFL. Oh, except for one. He’s dumber than an oak veneer. I mean, by rule, football players aren’t the brightest bulbs, but Devin’s wattage is awfully low. How hard can it be to learn complicated football plays like, “run down the sidelines and at some point look up for the ball?” or “run down the field ten yards then turn left?” Apparently, very hard.
The other receivers in camp all have some sort of baggage. Rashied Davis is a former Arena league player who’s just a little too small to be a top receiver–which is why he was in the Arena league in the first place. Brandon Lloyd has already sucked on two other NFL teams, why should he buck that trend? Earl Bennett had a nice career in the SEC at Vanderbilt, but he’s only 6’0, he’s not really all that fast and his name is Earl Bennett. I guess if a guy named Marvin Harrison can become a star, so can a guy named Earl Bennett, but…yeah, it’s not gonna happen is it? Marcus Monk has the speed and the size (6’6) and a cool name, but he’s already had his knees sewn back together and that’s never a good sign, nor is the fact that he was the 248th pick in the draft. As much as Doug Buffone may love Mike Haas, Mike is limited (he’s white), and not all that athletic (white).
The Bears do have two good tight ends in Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark, so if you can come up with a way to ride two tight ends of the playoffs, then giddy up.
The offensive line was a sieve last year, and was nearly as much of a reason that the Bears couldn’t run the ball as was Cedric Benson. They think they’ve fixed it by moving John Tait back to the right tackle spot (they’re still paying him like a left tackle, though) and drafting Chris Williams. This still doesn’t change the fact that future Hall of Fame center (seriously, he’s been an All-Pro like six times) is pretty much just good at picking up personal fouls and getting called at least four times a year for an “illegal snap” whatever that is. One guard will be Roberto Garza, the other will be either Terrence Metcalf (yikes) or Josh Beekman (guh).
If this team scores 200 points on offense (I’m not counting Devin’s kick return heroics, or defensive touchdowns) I’ll be amazed. I’m not even exaggerating. Do you see these bums averaging just under 13 points a game of actual offense?
Defensively, there’s less reason for doom, though it’s actually kind of sad that they’re bringing Mike Brown back again. I love the guy, don’t get me wrong, but what are the chances he’s not going to suffer another catastrophic season-ending injury?
The linebacking corps is older and incredibly fertile. Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher just got paid, and Hunter Hillenmeyer is from Vandberbilt, and hasn’t completely jumped on the bastard child bandwagon, but there’s still time.
The secondary will be good if Vasher and Peanut are healthy again, and there’s actually some depth there with with Trumaine McBride, but Ricky Manning appears to have slipped to Jeremy Lincoln levels of production. Maybe he needs to beat a guy with a laptop in a Denny’s to get his mind right? Kevin Payne looks like a football player, but hasn’t played to that yet, Danieal Manning still pronounces his name like a girl and Craig Steltz looks like a wannabe Archuleta.
The defensive line is still good, if not as deep as in the past. Last year, how many of us looked up during a game (I think it was the Eagles game) and went, who the hell is “Toeania?” You know you’ve burned through your depth then. It would be typical Bears luck for Mark Anderson to come out of hiding and have Walleye Ogunleye go back into it. And Alex Brown is incredibly still around.
Tackle’s another story. If Tommie Harris can keep his ligaments attached to his body he can be a great player again, but who plays next to him? 400 pound Anthony Adams or 200 pound Israel Idonije? Does the myth of Dusty Dvoracek finally play a real game? They’re counting on rookie Marcus Harrison who was considered a “steal” in the third round, mainly because he got busted with weed at Arkansas and had an ACL injury, there, too. Maybe the marijuana was medicinal?
Hester will handle the returns again, and Robbie Gould is now the highest paid kicker in the NFL. Seriously. I mean he is good, even if he has the strange silent “u” thing going with his name.
As always, Brad Maynard is back to punt, and rest assured Pat Summerall says their annual joint visit to their Dallas chiropractor went well.
So what are we to expect from our beloved Bears? The NFC North is home to two of the media’s favorite teams for 2008, the Farvuhruh-less (we think) Packers and the quarterbackless Vikings. The Lions beat the Bears twice last season.
What’s realistic? A repeat of last year’s awe-inspiring 7-9? A move up to 8-8?
Whatever the case, the Bears have slid from the Super Bowl to NFL purgatory (.500 teams just get bad draft picks year after year), and they are there to stay, for a while.
Guh.
Agreed. 6-10 is expected from me but if everyone is healthy and they play DECENT, 8-8 is the sky for this team.
Let’s see, the coaches, players, and media regularly list me as one of the best centers in the game, and yet the Bears fans think I’m overrated and bad. I wonder who to believe?
The Bears will win between 6 and 10 games. They’re obviously not an elite team, but they’re not at the bottom of the league, either. So it all depends on how lucky they are, which is exactly the same situation as 20 other teams.
Regardless, they’ll be the only thing to watch in September as the Cubs reside comfortably in third place for the rest of the season. DOOOOOOOOOOM
That’s because of the ridiculous number of times you have snapped the ball into the front of me, Olin, causing a critical, kick-to-the-groin turnover.
Or your propensity for putting fellow starters on the injured list by getting in stupid, meathead fights at a gun range.
Or the spectacular frequency at which you pick up idiotic, drive-killing penalties. (Although, I’ll admit that you don’t win the award for “Dumbest Penalty in Recorded History”… that goes to Lance “Paternity Man” Briggs for his stunning “Jump Offsides on a *FUCKING BLITZ FAKE* When the Opponent Has a Third-and-Four Situation in the Fourth Quarter.”)
Matt Forte’ is good at football. I think he’ll probably see a lot of stacked fronts, though, because the Bears got nothing resembling a passing attack. Sad, really.
Steltz is a solid football player. He probably won’t start because he has zero speed. But, he’ll make an impact on special teams.
Marcus Monk was selected at the very back end of the draft, but then again so was Marques Colston. And, Colston was from Hofstra…not a big powerhouse. Monk was from Arkansas and can be a very solid possession receiver, assuming someone can get him a ball once in a blue moon.
Thank you for not mentioning Elias Coblentz in this Dose. D’oh!!!
I look forward to regaling my children, and their children, with tales of the legendary suckage of the 2008 Chicago Bears wide receiving corps.
Apparently that CBS ticker says I was arrested
DOOOOOOOOM
Remember the good teams Lovie had who were populated by Jauron’s guys. I’m not saying Jauron was good by any means. Obviously he had the players but not the ability to coach them. Lovie seemed to have the ability, but has taken it upon himself to push for some of the worst personnel decisions ever. No QB in the draft this year? Really. Get rid of Thomas Jones? Really. Dump the defensive coordinator of the BEST defense in the league? Really. Marty Booker is the number 1? Really. Maybe Lou Piniella could head over there in November just in time to can Lovie, turn the team around, and get tossed out of the Super Bowl for inexplicably throwing a base on the field.
I think Jerry Angelo is making the personnel decisions. Thomas Jones wasn’t that good, ask the Jets, but he was miles better than Cedric. Letting him go wasn’t the problem, who they had left to play there was.
I will not argue your point about who Lovie appointed to be D-coordinator. The man’s a dunce.
Wait, did Batman kill me?
We had a bunch of “Jauron’s Guys.” We were the balls, right? Really.
The Bears went 1-13 in me, and the Cubs…
Hey, I’m back!!
no camp for me, not just yet nope
Marcus Monk has talent, but he also had NO coaching at Arkansas. I don’t even think Houston Nutt has post patterns in his playbook. With good coaching, Monk should be alright. Earl Bennett will produce as a possession reciever. I don’t think either one of them will be stars, but they should contribute.
Marcus Monk has talent, but he also had NO coaching at Arkansas. I don’t even think Houston Nutt has post patterns in his playbook. With good coaching, Monk should be alright. Earl Bennett will produce as a possession reciever. I don’t think either one of them will be stars, but they should contribute.