While the Cubs have gone into their binary offense mode (scoring 1,1 and 0 runs in three of their first four post-All Star Break games), people are starting to panic. The panic is a little premature, since the Cubs still have the best record in the National League.

But you know what panic isn’t too premature? Any panic you’ve already started about just how terrible the Bears’ offense is going to be.

What level of panic should we have for an offense that couldn’t do anything last year and promises to be even worse this year? About this much.

The Bears open training camp in beautiful Bourbonnais, Illinois (snicker) on the raucous Olivet Nazarene campus (snicker, snicker) and we’ll get all the same perfumed bullshit from Lovie and Jerry Angelo about how there’s an open competition between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton and how that’s going to be great for the team.

First off, nobody really believes there’s an open competition. The Bears recent past indicates that as long as Rex can still stand up and wear spikes that he’s going to be the quarterback.

Secondly, if it was an open competition, would it even matter? It’s still a choice between a guy who’s never strung together more than a handful of good games, and a guy who probably never will.

One of them can’t grow a beard and the other one shouldn’t try to.

It doesn’t even feel like the Bears were in the Super Bowl just two seasons ago. But a check of the date shows that it’s been exactly one Mike Brown season ending injury since the last Bears’ Super Bowl, so that has to be just one season ago.

Last year, everybody got hurt. It’s not even an exaggeration, I think every single player suffered a season-ending injury at some point. When the season ended with that inspirational (yawn) win over the New Orleans Saints, the Bears were so injury depleted that Ken Margerum started at wide receiver.

Orton went 2-1 to finish the season. He outdueled Brett Farvuhruh in week 16 in a 35-7 pounding of the Packers. You remember it, the game when the wind blew 147 miles an hour, and Brett kept rubbing those little handwarmer things all over his face? Orton, was impervious to the elements.

I mean look at that face! How can you not be confident in that?

So, we’re agreed. Rex sucks and has sucked for a long time, so there’s no need watch him continue to suck. It’s Orton’s time. Let’s watch Kyle suck for a while!

The thing is, even if Kyle was competent, the offense around him is so woeful that it probably wouldn’t even matter.

The best player on the offense is a rookie running back, and the only reason he’s the best is because we haven’t had a chance to figure out why he’s not yet. Yay?

His backups are a dwarf, a special teams ace with a stutter and a guy who just had his ACL sewn back together about eight months ago. Who says the Bears don’t have depth?

The wide receiving corps is a interesting assortment of “talent.” The presumed number one receiver, Marty Booker, is a former Bear who has returned. Marty played on the 1963 NFL Championship team, didn’t he? The number two is Devin Hester, the greatest kick and punt returner anyone has ever seen, and a man with all of the necessary tools to be a top flight receiver in the NFL. Oh, except for one. He’s dumber than an oak veneer. I mean, by rule, football players aren’t the brightest bulbs, but Devin’s wattage is awfully low. How hard can it be to learn complicated football plays like, “run down the sidelines and at some point look up for the ball?” or “run down the field ten yards then turn left?” Apparently, very hard.

The other receivers in camp all have some sort of baggage. Rashied Davis is a former Arena league player who’s just a little too small to be a top receiver–which is why he was in the Arena league in the first place. Brandon Lloyd has already sucked on two other NFL teams, why should he buck that trend? Earl Bennett had a nice career in the SEC at Vanderbilt, but he’s only 6’0, he’s not really all that fast and his name is Earl Bennett. I guess if a guy named Marvin Harrison can become a star, so can a guy named Earl Bennett, but…yeah, it’s not gonna happen is it? Marcus Monk has the speed and the size (6’6) and a cool name, but he’s already had his knees sewn back together and that’s never a good sign, nor is the fact that he was the 248th pick in the draft. As much as Doug Buffone may love Mike Haas, Mike is limited (he’s white), and not all that athletic (white).

The Bears do have two good tight ends in Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark, so if you can come up with a way to ride two tight ends of the playoffs, then giddy up.

The offensive line was a sieve last year, and was nearly as much of a reason that the Bears couldn’t run the ball as was Cedric Benson. They think they’ve fixed it by moving John Tait back to the right tackle spot (they’re still paying him like a left tackle, though) and drafting Chris Williams. This still doesn’t change the fact that future Hall of Fame center (seriously, he’s been an All-Pro like six times) is pretty much just good at picking up personal fouls and getting called at least four times a year for an “illegal snap” whatever that is. One guard will be Roberto Garza, the other will be either Terrence Metcalf (yikes) or Josh Beekman (guh).

If this team scores 200 points on offense (I’m not counting Devin’s kick return heroics, or defensive touchdowns) I’ll be amazed. I’m not even exaggerating. Do you see these bums averaging just under 13 points a game of actual offense?

Defensively, there’s less reason for doom, though it’s actually kind of sad that they’re bringing Mike Brown back again. I love the guy, don’t get me wrong, but what are the chances he’s not going to suffer another catastrophic season-ending injury?

The linebacking corps is older and incredibly fertile. Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher just got paid, and Hunter Hillenmeyer is from Vandberbilt, and hasn’t completely jumped on the bastard child bandwagon, but there’s still time.

The secondary will be good if Vasher and Peanut are healthy again, and there’s actually some depth there with with Trumaine McBride, but Ricky Manning appears to have slipped to Jeremy Lincoln levels of production. Maybe he needs to beat a guy with a laptop in a Denny’s to get his mind right? Kevin Payne looks like a football player, but hasn’t played to that yet, Danieal Manning still pronounces his name like a girl and Craig Steltz looks like a wannabe Archuleta.

The defensive line is still good, if not as deep as in the past. Last year, how many of us looked up during a game (I think it was the Eagles game) and went, who the hell is “Toeania?” You know you’ve burned through your depth then. It would be typical Bears luck for Mark Anderson to come out of hiding and have Walleye Ogunleye go back into it. And Alex Brown is incredibly still around.

Tackle’s another story. If Tommie Harris can keep his ligaments attached to his body he can be a great player again, but who plays next to him? 400 pound Anthony Adams or 200 pound Israel Idonije? Does the myth of Dusty Dvoracek finally play a real game? They’re counting on rookie Marcus Harrison who was considered a “steal” in the third round, mainly because he got busted with weed at Arkansas and had an ACL injury, there, too. Maybe the marijuana was medicinal?

Hester will handle the returns again, and Robbie Gould is now the highest paid kicker in the NFL. Seriously. I mean he is good, even if he has the strange silent “u” thing going with his name.

As always, Brad Maynard is back to punt, and rest assured Pat Summerall says their annual joint visit to their Dallas chiropractor went well.

So what are we to expect from our beloved Bears? The NFC North is home to two of the media’s favorite teams for 2008, the Farvuhruh-less (we think) Packers and the quarterbackless Vikings. The Lions beat the Bears twice last season.

What’s realistic? A repeat of last year’s awe-inspiring 7-9? A move up to 8-8?

Whatever the case, the Bears have slid from the Super Bowl to NFL purgatory (.500 teams just get bad draft picks year after year), and they are there to stay, for a while.

Guh.