Cubs shortstop Alex Gonzalez says that he likes going to Baltimore to play the Orioles because the Cubs are staying in the same hotel the Blue Jays stayed in when they went there every year. He said, “It’s on the water and you can just walk right down to a restaurant and get crabs.”

You are now free to make your own joke.

After a whirlwind weekend, we took a one day sabbatical from the Dose, but now we’re back and bigger than ever. We’ve got all kinds of stuff to delve into, so let’s get right to it.

Cubs-Yankees overview — June series don’t usually do much for me. The early years of interleague play made the Cubs-Sox serieses (huh?) big, but this one was different. Not just because it was Chicago-New York, which always blows things out of proportion. But these are the beloved Cubs and the hated Yankees. You had to get fired up for it.

Game one proved to be an exercise in frustration. If Sammy had had one more biscuit for breakfast he hits a two-run homer that would have tied it. If Mark Bellhorn hadn’t thrown a ground ball into right field, the Yankees wouldn’t have gotten three runs in that inning. Same goes for Carlos Zambrano going 0-2 on Jungle Juan Rivera and losing him in that inning. That game toppled the Cubs from first place and you just knew bad things were going to happen. These are the Cubs, after all.

But on Saturday, it was obvious that Kerry Wood had missed that memo. His first inning demolition of the best three hitters in the Yankees order set the tone. He might as well have waited on the mound for Roger Clemens and said, “Better pack a lunch. I’m going to be here all day.” Hee Seop Choi took a nap for the ages and Eric Karros earned his blue pinstripes. Wrigley turned back into the noisiest place on earth, something that only happens in those rare years when the Cubs decide they’d like to actually play for something.

Sunday night was a nightmare for Cubs fans. Mark Prior came out throwing darts and the Cubs jumped to a big lead. And then…like always…the lead…began…to…vanish. So there was Regular Joe standing on the mound, two runs in, the tying run at first in the ninth, looking like somebody just shot his dog. If EA Sports was producing the game, that cheesy momentum meter they use in the NCAA Basketball games would have redlined for the Yankees. But you can’t really flap the unflappable Regular Joe. He took a deep breath, reached into his lunch bucket and pulled out a new trick. Former Cub Charles Gipson laid face down in the dirt after being picked off of first base. Somewhere, Cardinals fans soiled themselves with disappointment. (As if they need an excuse.)

It was a weekend to savor. Saturday’s game is already legendary. Plus, we only had to put up with Chip Caray for one game. Thank heaven for small favors.

Real World: Paris— There’s just no way we can devote the space to this show this year that we gave to Real World: Las Vegas, mainly because at the end of last season, I wanted to shoot myself. But, we won’t ignore the cast, especially the best looking Real World “housemate” in a long time, 19-year old Palatine native Mallory. Mallory apparently gave up a soccer scholarship at Iowa State to go to Paris and be on the show. You don’t suppose she was just trying to avoid Larry Eustachy, do you?

Mallory is a virgin, and that little tid bit has already caused the most annoying Real World “housemate” in a long time (Arissa and Steven included), Adam much consternation.

We’d be remiss not to show you Mallory, now wouldn’t we?

There are two other females on the show (if you don’t count Simon, the gay Irishman):

Christina, a “cocktail waitress” from Vegas, who kind of looks like Julie Chen (in a very good way):

and Leah, a desperately horny blonde, who has thrown herself at dorky “Ace” some goober from Georgia. In fact, she has already (in one show) bit Ace on the butt in the hot tub and given up smoking for him. (Which means, Leah, who obviously uses cigs as a dietary device, will put on 20 pounds in the next three weeks).

The guys are just annoying all the way around this time. There’s CT, a guy with Pete Yorn hair and a propensity to wear stocking caps at all time. There’s Ace, the Georgia goober that all of the women love, and Adam, an annoying, know-it-all Stanford grad who claims to be the son of one of the Commodores (not making this up) and who writes really bad songs. Adam managed to get in fights with both Mallory and Leah in the first two days. Plus, that hair has to go.

Anyway, we’ll keep you updated.

Hillary Clinton-Barbara Walters interview — The Cubs weren’t on yet and neither were the Nets-Spurs, so I watched that ABC special which should have been titled, “Barbara Walters kisses Hillary Clinton’s ass for an hour, while Hillary answers questions that were submitted in advance and that she could rehearse her answers to.” That might have been kind of a wordy title. I’d have condensed it to, “Hillary’s lying.”

The “purpose” of this interview was so Hillary could shill her new book. What it reminded us is that Hillary has absolutely no warmth and not one shred of personality. Barbara asked the “tough” questions, alright. Stuff like, “When you met Jackie Onasis, did you ask her for beauty tips?”

The only way this would have been entertaining or informative would have been if Barbara had gotten Hillary drunk. Maybe then the real answers would have come out. Stuff like.

“Boy, I’m glad Vince Foster killed himself. I was going to be so screwed, otherwise. It is funny though that he shot himself in the back of the head six times.”

“I knew Bill was having affairs. I’m a lesbian, so I don’t care. In fact, Babs, you should see some of the tail I’ve been getting. Let’s just say I don’t have to stoop to fat interns if you know what I mean.”

“The only reason I’m a senator is because New Yorkers are star f@#$ing morons. I could give a damn about any of their little problems. I’m going to be president some day.”

“Chelsea’s not even really my daughter. You think I’d actually have sex with Bill? We were chaperoning a prom in Little Rock and we found her in the dumpster behind the school. Actually we found two other kids, too, but like I had time to raise three?”

Now, see, that would have been worth watching.

—

If you get a chance (and have Showtime) check out the Eric Stoltz show “Out of Order.” It’s pretty good. Plus, Kim Dickens is in it, and she gets naked every week. So, really, what’s not to like?

—

Big Choi says he “feels fine” but Cubs doctors are following the protocol that comes with a severe concussion and he’ll be pretty much sitting on his ass for two weeks. Nice work if you can get it.

Sammy will plead his case today. My guess, he ends up with a five-gamer.

Lots of people watched the Cubs-Yankees all weekend.

Groucho’s not exactly the president of the Tim Floyd Fan Club is he?

Marcus Fizer and The Hamster might be, though.

Jerry Manuel can see why people thing D’Angelo Jiminez is lazy. Uh..it’s because he is lazy.

Greg Couch wonders if the kiddies will ever be able to see Sammy as a hero again. Oh, please.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to try and get us to hate Sammy more than Bob Ryan. Jay, shut the hell up. You have to get over this Bob Ryan thing. I know you have a crush on him, but still. Nobody cares.

Peter Gammons with his Diamond Notes.

Ivan Maisel thinks we’re being a little too hard on Rick Neuheisel.

Gene Wojciecieciecieowski says Rick’s too dumb to keep his job.

Phil Rogers is so simplistic it’s sickening. If he’s the best we’ve got in Chicago, we’re all screwed.

Flannel Boy got a new picture, but not a comb.

If Bob Johnson was named Jack, would he have picked some sort of donkey for the mascot?

Two things about this one. 1) Is it any surprise that Jenna from Survivor is going to pose naked in Playboy? Not really. Plus, Heidi’s coming along for the ride. 2) I swear, when I clicked on this link, the story came up, and a herpes survey. Seems fitting.

When I was a kid, I loved “V”. Remember when the lady gave birth to the baby and it was a lizard? Oh, that scared me to death. NBC’s bringing it back.

Jay Mohr is hosting an NBC show to find the “funniest person in America.” Right here, baby. Or something.

Matt Drudge doesn’t like Hillary, I don’t think.

I think we should all go enlist.

The world’s greatest newspaper with handy tips that can help you see if your neighbor is a terrorist.