Let’s get this straight, some dumbass Orioles fan ran onto the field last night, got on his knees and threw pieces of cork at Sammy? Then, it took like three minutes for any security to show up and get rid of the lunkhead? This is what happens when the Baltimore PD puts their best detective on marine patrol duty. (OK, that’s a long way to go for an obscure “The Wire” joke, I admit.

But, before we get to the first place Cubs and Orioles–back by popular demand, a Real World recap…

I’m confused about a few things with Real World: Paris. First of all, it’s obvious the gang doesn’t live in Paris. Ace said three times last night that the group were going to “go into Paris.” So what, this is Real World: Suburban Paris? How cheesy.

Last night’s show started off with the seven morons skipping down the Rue du le Blah Blah Blah looking for some place to have lunch. Ace wanted to stop at a quaint little hamburger place called Le McDonald’s, but the other six told him to cram it. Instead they went to some cafe and all stared blankly at the menu. Apparently, all seven of them ordered the same club sandwich. And we wonder why the French are rude to us?

That night they were ready to go back to Paris and hit the clubs. Chris (CT) started drinking with Ace, which apparently was bad because Chris is a wuss and was drunk by nine o’clock. If you believe the editing (and who believes the editing?) they got to town, Chris was so drunk he could hardly stand up, and they turned around and took him home. Hey, good time!

The next morning, they were sitting around the kitchen and Christina (the hot Julie Chen lookalike) got into this long, horrendously boring discussion about how she loves it when guys know how she likes her eggs. Take it from me, guys like it when your eggs are safely tucked up in the fallopian tube, OK?

‘Tina wouldn’t let that die though. She went on and on about how it shows the man really loves you. Personally, I have the same routine in the morning. I get up, pay the hooker and put her in a cab. If she wants eggs, she can stop at a diner. Wait, how much of that was out loud?

CT seemed very interested in how ‘Tina likes her eggs. Here’s my problem. Say I was on the Real World (which, if they didn’t pick me for Vegas, isn’t going to happen now), it doesn’t matter how you like your eggs, they’re going to be scrambled. I can set out to make an omelet and you get scrambled eggs. In fact, there are times I make Frosted Flakes and get scrambled eggs.

That night we get to see the kids hanging out in the clubs. This is nice, because even though superhot virginly Mallory is only 19 she can legally go to the bars, so we don’t have the constant bitching and moaning like we had with that pre-pubescent Iowan from Real World: New York.

I keep trying to figure out who Leah looks like, and it hit me. She looks like Nancy from Ed. This, as Jake will tell you, is not a bad thing. Nancy’s thinner and has darker hair, but the face is all Nancy.

–By the way, Ed fans, the arrival of Alicia Silverstone’s new show on NBC on Friday nights, likely put the nail in the Ed coffin. I’m not any happier about this than you are.–

The next day, they got to go to Paris to find out what their new jobs will be. Mallory says this is her first “real” job. Uh, Mal, this is not a real job. This is a phony TV job that basically serves as an MTV public service announcement for whatever company or organization that agrees to keep you morons busy for three months.

They’re going to work for Frommer’s putting together a travel guide to Paris. I’m sure that’s just what the travel guide industry needs, is another guide to the most over guided city in the world. They will also get a weekly French lesson. I had a semester of French at NIU and the only thing I remember is that Notre Dame means Our Lady. That was three days a week for 16 weeks. And this, from your friendly Desipio tour guide with the 138 IQ. I can’t imagine the things Ace will do to this language.

They go to Frommer’s and other than the obviously placed ad for Yahoo!, the only thing that stands out is that their bosses are incredibly gay, and that Ace still hates France. The day before he’d gone off on France and was all, “I hate French people. I hate the cuisine. I hate France.” Ironic that he used the French word for food in his rant.

He decided to repeat his ignorance during the meeting. Here’s my take on it. I’m not a big French fan, either. But if you’re going to live in a place for a few months, the least you can do is try and learn enough of the language so you can get by. Don’t be the stereotypical ugly American and just figure you can use English to BS your way through the country.

The next day they have their French lesson. It’s high comedy as MTV has set them up with a French teacher who does not know English. How can you teach a language to someone if you don’t know their language? Guh.

After the lesson, they go back to the house and Ace has a revelation. He’s decided to stop being an ass and be open minded about France. He thinks he’s going to like it there. Leah then mocks him for saying it as he eats a McNugget.

That night at the Chateau du Skank, CT, ‘Tina and Ace got in the hot tub. CT was in the hot tub in his underwear (eww) and got pretty happy when ‘Tina showed off her bikini. After a few cocktails, CT and ‘Tina got pretty friendly, and this time it was CT who had to care for a drunken ‘Tina, after it had been the other way around the night before.

In the morning, CT asks ‘Tina to show him how to make “her egg.” What is this, In the Kitchen With Julia Child?

Mercifully it ends and in scenes for next week we see Mallory crying and Ace saying how pretty she is and I hate to admit, I’ve been sucked in for another season. Oh, well.

Last night was also the final season premiere of The Osbournes complete with a very funny promo that’s a takeoff of the Archie Bunker opening with Ozzy and Sharon singing a funny Osbourne-version of “Those Were the Days,” the show was good. It basically revolved around three things. 1) Ozzy’s hilarious trip to the dentist. 2) Jack’s birthday. 3) Christina Aguilera using fat, stupid, smelly Jack to get back at fat, stupid Kelly.

Next week: the dogs get fleas.

Fox Sports Net played up Steve Stone’s return to Baltimore last night. They showed footage of Stone pitching and an awkward sound byte of him at his retirement press conference. But the real story, as always, was Sammy. People were anxious to see how he’d be received in the first road game since old Corky exploded last Tuesday. He got a nice ovation, but he did have some cork tossed at him, and he’s going to have to get used to that.

More troubling than the antics of the Orioles fans (OK, not really–but close) were those of third base coach Wendell Kim. Kim sent both Eric Karros and Alex Gonzalez home on plays that were certainly doomed from the start. Karros was out by 20 feet, and Alex by 15. Gee Dub didn’t execute this many guys in Texas. How hard is it to be a third base coach? Tom Trebelhorn is doing it for the Orioles and he’s a moron. But he’s better than Kim. So far it’s been frustrating, but harmless. But it’s going to cost the Cubs big some day. And when that happens, I don’t want to be the guy who has to protect Pineapple Kim from the rage of the fans.

Sammy had two hits, including a double in the first that was about two feet shy of being his first homer since (altogether now) May 1. The next batter, Moises, singled to center and Sammy had to hold at second. It’s not as bad of baserunning as it sounds. The ball was looped into short center and the centerfielder almost caught it. It’s one of those plays that if you go halfway and he catches it, you’re screwed. In a game in Beloit this summer, I saw the damndest thing ever. Cedar Rapids had the bases loaded and one out and the batter hit the same kind of ball to short center. The runner on third went back to tag up, but the ball dropped just in front of the centerfielder. He scooped it up and threw home, thinking that the guy on his way home was the runner from second base, but when the ball got there, it was a force play. Just your standard fielder’s choice, 8-2 putout. The centerfielder kind of stood in amazement. He thought the runner from third had scored and that the guy he was gunning out was the runner from second. Cedar Rapids did not score in the inning.

The Cubs did score in the second thanks to hits by Eric Karros and DH (no!) Troy O’Leary. Alou scored on O’Leary’s single, but Karros was meat at the plate.

Meanwhile, Shawn Estes was cruising. IT was one of those days when he was throwing the curveball for strikes, and when that happens, the other team might as well pack up the equipment and go home.

Oh by the way, Corey was 3-5 with two doubles and a triple. His second double was a thing of beauty. It was a funny hop blooper just over first baseman Jeff Conine’s glove, but you should have seen him fly from first to second. He’s got blinding speed. And oh by the way again, he’s hitting .328 now.

Sammy will sit for seven games. Let the Dave Kelton era begin. I’m kidding, of course. Really.

Rosey takes out the hatchet and starts flailing.

Sammy called the Orioles fan who taunted him an idiot and a comedian, and I’m thinking, was it Carrot Top?

The Sox beat the Giants last night, even though Barry Bonds hit a homer that landed in Alsip.

Ed Sherman on NBC’s coverage of this week’s US Open.

Cliffmas in June? Cliff Levingston is off to the pokey.

Dwyane Wade has piqued the Bulls’ interest. They could do worse. And probably will.

Northwestern’s in trouble for destroying Rashidi Wheeler’s medical records. Really? What a shock. Is that wrong?

You know you screwed up with Bubba Clinton can empathize with you.

Hee Seop has a cervical neck strain. He strained his cervix?

The Wizard of Roz says word is that Kordell’s a little slow on the uptake.

Tom Verducci says we should have seen the Cubs coming.

A Cuban singer has defected. Did he bring a third baseman with him?

The circus is coming to Gary. Or, at least the freak show.

Yeah, Ed Burns is still a regular guy. He married supermodel Christy Turlington and Bono from U2 walked her down the aisle. Yikes.

Intrepid reader TJ Brown updates my previous “bad” news about Ed. With good news. Apparently the reason there’s an opening for Alicia Silverstone’s new show on NBC Friday is because “Ed” is going back to Wednesdays at 7 p.m. Phew.

Not only do the British all have bad teeth, they all have syphillus, too.

Jerry Springer’s getting ready to run for the Senate. He’s too normal to fit in there.

America’s finest news source with some Chicago teens who enjoy making fun of the social worker’s car.