I thought he was dead? Oh, this is a little embarrassing. Better call the florist.
Pitching matchup
Astros: Brandon Bacne (Get it bacne, like acne only on your back, oh never mind) 6-10, 4.72 ERA
Cubs: Marquis du Suc 6-7, 4.68 ERA
Shop the Desipio/Pointless Exercise Store
Astros Lineup:
1. Anal Fissure, 2B
2. Bat Boy, RF
3. Fat Elvis, 1B
4. El Fatass, LF
5. Jeoff Blum, SS (wait, SS? really?)
6. Ty Wiggerton, 3B
7. The Grinder, CF
8. Can’t-Hold-Onto-His-Bat Quintero, C
9. Bacne, P
Cubs Lineup:
1. Alfonso SoriEyreno, LF
2. Ryan ThEyreiot, SS
3. DEyrerick Lee, 1B
4. Aramis RamEyrez, 3B
5. Jim Eyredmonds, CF
6. Mark DEyreRosa, 2B
7. Kosuke FukudomEyre, RF
8. Geovany SotEyre, C
9. Jason MarqEyres, P
That Eyre thing really stopped working after Aramis…
I thought it worked all the way through Weebs
How bad will I suck it up today boys? I have on my depends so when I shitmypants, it shouldn’t hit the mound.
Should have been
GeovanEyre Soto
Glad to be back!
Where am I?
I appeared after a refresh, then disappeared on the next. Strange interweb effects…
I’m the only guy worse than Suppan.
1-2-3, kids. This is easy.
Same number Harden needed to get through the first yesterday.
My favorite (least favorite, really) thing about Santo is when Pat says, “Ron, tell us about Jason Marquis” (or any other pitcher) and Ron says:
“Well, Patrick I think he’s got six or eight wins and his ERA is like six or so. He’s got some strikeouts and walks, and he throws a fastball and a slider and a sinker or a cutter or one of those.”
Are you telling me that WGN doesn’t give him a scouting report to read? Of course they fucking do. Read it. The Sugarbetes hasn’t taken all of your eyesight yet.
I’m making several of these outside called strikes look like awfully bad calls.
A nice, 12-0 cushion after the first two innings in this start would definitely help.
That first pitch was just too unbelievably fat to swing at. Aren’t these guys pitching around me?
Hi guys!
I thought I’d watch the game with you since the Hire Bruce Kimm guy is so mean to me. He’s always mocking my mailbag.
I’ve got some fun facts for you, and I’m sure you’ll appreciate them.
If the Cubs win today it will be their 69th win, which not only means my husband will expect to be able to tea bag me tonight, but it’ll be the second straight year that the Cubs have won at least 69 games.
I think you should alwayspitch around Carlos Lee, even in the first inning with two outs and nobody on base. I nearly shat myself on Monday when the Cubs threw him a pitch to hit in the first.
Also, why does my face lock up like a jackolantern when I look at a camera?
Legs’ scouting reports on pitchers are worse than Mike Downey’s column about the Griffey trade. The only thing you left out was his obsession with the word command.
“Well, Patrick, I shared a sundae with Milo Hamilton, and he told me that if Backe’s command is good, he can be tough to beat. If he has trouble commanding his command, it could be a good day for us, big boy.”
Carrie, does this mean I can have the day off? I’m still tired from last night when you insisted I look up when the last time the Cubs were no-hit, even though even the dumbest of shits knows it was a Sandy Koufax perfect game in 1965.
You know what pisses me off about Ron (nice job of Alfonso playing that out into a double, by the way)? All those years he called Don Baylor and Dusty Baker, and even Bruce Kimm the “fine” manager of the Chicago Cubs. All I get is “Lou Piniella, manager of the Chicago Cubs.” He doesn’t even say the.
He’s a legless prick.
Actually I like Ronny.
But that doesn’t not make him a legless prick.
Whee!
Hi Ed!
Can you do me a favor? When was the last time the Cubs scored five runs in an inning? Can you look that up? And show your work.
Yesterday, seventh inning.
Please, go fuck yourself with one of the knitting needles you stick in your hair bun.
My pompous ass is up in the event of Ron’s passing/retirement/DFA, so don’t hate on him too much.
Thankfully, Darin Erstad is allergic to me.
I can’t wait to get back to Chicago. There are still nine women born in the 70s who I have not yet banged.
I don’t want Ron replaced. What I want is for them to record what he says into the mic, but not broadcast it. Then just use what he says when they play back the highlights at the end of the game.
Kind of like this gem from the first game in Milwaukee.
Pat: Bases loaded, one out for Lee. He hits a grounder to short. Hardy flips to second
Ron: Noooooo! Oh, noooooo! Nooooooo!
Pat: The throw to first is a bad one! It gets away from Fielder
Ron: Oh, yessssssss! Yesssssss! Run! Run!
Pat: It’s into the stands and two runs will score and it’s 4-3 Cubs!
Ron: Yeeeee-eeessssss!
Great on tape, unlistenable live.
Damn, I am one weird looking dude.
Did you see how straight and hard that was?
Speaking of that, see you boys tonight at the Manhole!
Did I ever tell you about the time Mark DeRosa threw a mini-football to Jeff Samardzija in the clubhouse? I offered to show them my pom poms, but they’re gentlemen.
Lassie, bark twice if you are in Milwaukee!
Is this Wilt Chamberlain?
The Arrested Development “Godzilla” thing at the end was the balls.
.278/.379/.586
According to Baseball Reference, these are my numbers since joining the Cubs – not including that double I just hit, though.
Ed, look up the numbers and see who that guy in “Guess Who” is.
I think it’s Bill Madlock.
I just hit them at the fat boy and run. Not a bad strategery.
1-0 Cubs.
Don’t worry guys, one run is all I need.
It’s Jim Edmonds, Carrie. He even gave you a hint.
(I’m going to drink all the Drano I can get my hands on.)
I really need to take a swig out of my “rally jug.”
One run is all I need….for me to poop on.
This is my free-from-criticism year. Another year of these stats and I might be the next Jock.
Don’t worry Cubs’ fans. I’m in for the Reds. I’ll hold the Brewers right here so we can catch up. I’m currently rubbing up the ball with my sexiness.
Unless you start throwing the ball straight into the turf, Kosuke, you’re probably safe.
I’m like having another hitter in the lineup.
A really shitty hitter.
I think the Cubs should be ashamed for making us play in weather like this. What if I get a sunburn?
Hey Jockudome!
I don’t give a frying fuck what you thinks!
Oh, and suck on that.
I’d say that catch wasn’t exactly Jocktacular.
Kosuke’s all right by me.
I think I’m hitting on Ron’s friends from Seattle
Wow, that effort was…just sad, really. Just hit it to Fukky. Anything hit near me or Soriano is a double today.
How did I miss that? I didn’t think the sun would bother me with my sunglasses upside down on my hat!
Ooh, cool, I can give up a shitload of unearned runs now!
The league has been getting Pence out on fastballs in this year. So I’m staying away and throwing all balls. I’m a genius.
I’m tuckered out from running the bases
Walking Pence to face Fat Lance is probably not the smartest thing.
Don’t laugh at Jim. It happens. I’m still tired from yesterday.
Our little skirmish really turned us around!
That and the fact the Reds couldn’t take two of three from a Chinese Taipei little league team.
Wait, these runs aren’t going to be unearned are they?
Crap, I should have thought of that.
Prepare for a 4-1 deficit.
Can I get some odds on a 3 run homer?
Poop
Don’t laugh, the Cubs are about to lose two out of three to the Asstrolls.
You didn’t even need to go out on a limb to predict that.
On an 0-2 pitch no less.
On an 0-2 pitch no less.
My spot in the rotation needs to be examined.
“How do you throw a fastball right down the middle on a 0-2 pitch?”
And once again, I demonstrate how to get a lead and give it away and then some in the next half inning. I’m just terrific.
I’m not going to write it again.
Ahem.
Why am I not a better option as #5 starter? Having Marquis in the rotation spells D-O-O-M.
Now that Hendry has learned how to fill out the DFA paperwork, how about writing some up for Jason?
I’m available when Carlos Lee comes up.
Seriously what the fuck?
Are we going to have to watch this cocksucker lose every goddamn fifth game until the season ends? Fuck you, Lou, get his dead ass out of there and use a real pitcher.
I’m so fucking mad I can’t see straight.
With the off days coming up, we might just skip Jason for a while. I’d say his next start will come in March in Mesa.
Playoffs = 4-man rotation
someone takes a bowling ball tonight and beats Marquis senseless.
Comic relief much? I seem to be the easiest of outs immediately after Carlos Lee HRs – Bobby struck me out, and I got myself out on Marquis’ first pitch.
Here you go, Andy. You’re supposed to do something with this key. How about shoving it Marquis’ eye socket.
I would imagine I cleared without much problem (probably a lot of snickering though), how about giving me away to a team like the Yankees who are putting pitchers on the shelf by the barrellful these days?
TribCo won’t let Hendry eat the contract. I would. Of course, it would also end up costing Jim Hendry his job, but he wouldn’t know that until after he released him.
My disgusted bat flip nearly hit the home plate ump.
If we collectively pummel Marquis in the dugout, would that count as unrest or justice?
Let’s replace Marquis with Rich Hill!
No justice no peace!
My control problems are not mental. My back spasms are, though.
woof
Time to atone.
Why are they showing Sammy highlights?
How about a grand slam? Is that something you might be interested in?
BONERTIME!!!
Unclogging the bases.
Looks like it started on August 1.
It never gets old.
Should I hit third…?
Never fear
I think I would Bob. If you give me a ride home.
The pathetic Jockudome smartass does know that since the All-Star Break, I’m back to my all-around versatile goodness, right?
Suck on that double, while you’re at it.
This game would be 36-35 if the starters stay in. Lou, please be the one who pulls your starter first.
I get two more baserunners and I’m gone. Get Marshall or Gaudin ready.
I give up three run homer and I hit three run homers.
Well, probably not the latter, but it would be nice.
Jason Marquis once threw a simulated game, and lost.
Shit, he missed a three run jack by about three feet.
And then Alfonso hit a three run homer by about 480 feet. Holy crap.
All-around versatile goodness? Spinning around and striking out?
BONERTIME PART DEUX!!!
I suck.
I didn’t miss.
Bonertime?
We’re a bunch of pussies. Especially Jockudome.
Just think how pissed the Astros fans are at backe right now. I’m nothing compared to that.
And Jockudome IS a funny name.
Jockudome sucks.
about 6 more for this lead to be safe.
of the Cubs hits so far today are for extra bases.
I’m a magician. Watch how fast I make a 5 run lead disappear.
Kosuke’s looked better, but he’s only hit .174 since the break.
We’re full of fantastic managers aren’t we. Yost, Dusty and Cooper? I mean how do you leave Backe in there? Holy crap. I love Lou but he really looks really good compared to the craptacular competition he has.
Seriously, we CANNOT blow this game just to try to get me a win, some confidence, or to “save” the bullpen. There are days off tomorrow and Monday, so everybody had better be on deck today.
And we see Brandon Backe confusing a tantrum for intensity. Your glove and your hat did not give up eight earned runs in an inning, do not throw them. Actually, I’m surprised he could throw them without them being hit.
If I suck so much, perhaps we should trot out some of the trash that’s patrolled the OF in recent years? When my hitting falls off, I still see a lot of pitches to wear down the opposing pitcher. Plus my defense is the balls no matter how I’m hitting.
Not only did Cecil leave him in, he’s pitching the fourth, too.
Meanwhile, the Cubs bullpen is busy. Thankfully.
My defense neither slumped, either. My shoulders did, though.
Did somebody move the mound back? That can’t be 60 feet. I can’t possibly get it there on the fly.
9 runs? This isn’t going to be a pitcher’s duel.
Jason wants to give Backe a shot at a three run homer.
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration that this might be Jason’s last hitter.
Holy hell, get me in there.
See, I told you Marquis never gets any run support.
I’ll make five moves in an inning to get a match-up of lefty vs. lefty or righty vs. righty when I’m down four late, but I won’t pinch-hit for a guy in the fourth who just gave up eight runs in an inning. I’m not far benind Yost.
Thanks for letting me hit coach! I certainly earned it with that performance in the last inning didn’t I?
And, I just hit my head on the dugout ceiling. Today’s been great.
I can’t be bothered to cover first.
Wait? I’m supposed to cover second?
WTF? Why not just throw to first?! Goddamnit!
So Lee figures he’ll take the easy out at second because Marquis is going to get beaten to first by Matsui, and Theriot doesn’t cover the bag.
Ron Stilanovich does not approve.
Can I get some odds on a grand slam?
*tongue wagging, makes catch*
woof!
Yeah, and maybe I should cover second so Geo can throw down there on a dropped third strike with two outs, too. Screw that, that was Lee’s poor decision.
Trust me, second should have been an easy out. Slow runner, my momentum taking me towards second, and the dandy little assclown gets caught watching the game at short.
Jockudome and I are the same person.
No, no, no! Don’t throw Backe out!
Wow! This Cubs Live is crazy. Everybody jumps, land safely and get excited, then they are back on the ledge again.
Jockudome is a dick.
Calm down fellas, 5-run lead and Cecil refuses to pull Bacne
I heard you make fun of my wife, Dolan. I’m after you!
It’s a close race between me and Prince Fielder for Biggest Douche in the NL Central.
if Lou pulls Marquis before he has a chance to finish the 5th so he can’t “earn” a victory… followed immediately, of course, by his DFA. I can dream.
Seriously, how can Backe and Quintero bitch about the balls and strikes? None of the pitches have made it all the way to home?
Marty, she’s a lovely woman. I mean, she is a woman, right?
Time for three more RBI.
Can Mark get to me?
Can Mark get to me?
Boy, The Pulse readers are really going to fill up the comments this week
(basically anybody who owns a XXL DeRosa jersey)
FYJ!
If you combine my brainpower with that of RonCe, you could toast a piece of bread…lightly. Actual quote from the other day: “You can’t put a premium on health.”
(wakes up)
Shit, it’s 10-4? I better get him out.
Let’s hang this number on Backe.
All day. What a difference the Live is with Andy in the mix. Why is it better today? Jockudome is a dick. Fukudome does nothing but hustle and take pitches better than anybody else on the team. He’s not so hot away from Wrigley, but it’s quite an adjustment to traveling in the U.S. as opposed to Japan which is the size of one state.
Can Marquis get to me?
Pruning shears.
B. Backe 3.1IP 9H 11R 11ER 6BB 0K 2HR
Pay no mind today guys. My mommy forgot to give me my ritalin. Jeeze, when will I grow hair on my peenie guys?….
Hey everybody! Did you hear the one about Jockudome?
You don’t actually get hair on your peenie…. Peenie!
Carrie’s going to take all of the credit for Marquis’ win
Why is there me?
But my mom says dad has hair ON his peenie! Were Jews like Marc, does that explain enough??
Ron Sancho, I don’t think 11 is going to get it done today for the Marquis du Suc
Marquis may go the whole game. Will we give him any love then?
hell no. He better be able to hold a 7 run lead for 2 more innings so we can get to Howry where he can’t blow it. Eyre is probably watching today with a tear in his eye thinking, “They used to put me in the game when we had big leads or deficits.”
Lookie here! I protest de Suc qualifying for a win today. That is all.
Explain please?
I fouled one off my foot. I’m limping a little.
He needed 12 in the first two innings, my bad
Somewhere, Chuck is re-reading the rule about giving the win to a reliever who was more effective than the pitcher of record.
Unfortunately, it only applies when either the starter doesn’t go five (Marquis already has) or when a game ends up tied and a subsequent reliever is more effective than the one who would be due to get a win.
I enjoy balls on my foot.
I’m cruising now! All it took was an eight spot!
Cripes, do I give the error on the bobble or the throw?
Uh oh, and error! I feel a meltdown coming!
Should I pinch hit here?
Nah. Go get ’em Byrdak!
Hey guys! What’s up? I’m just sitting here at home, watching the game, eating Cheetos and refusing to wear pants. Basically, I feel like I’m in the bullpen.
Chuck still thinks he’s right
Ed, dear? Can you do me a favor? Could you look and see how many games in a row the Cubs have won?
Please die.
I’m going to have Marquis go 7, even if he has to throw 150 pitches and his arm falls off. On second thought, change that ‘even if’ to a ‘hopefully.’
Wow, Lou must have a ton of confidence in me to let me pitch all the way to 7. This is a sign of just how far I’ve come. Thanks for the love guys.
Can we pull Ramirez shortly? Or Lee? I know they have the day off tomorrow, but aren’t we all about resting people?
I feel as though I’ve been paroled.
Pat was just lauding Pence for hustling to beat out the back half of a double play even though the Astros are down by seven, and then Berkman hits one to second and doesn’t run at all.
Me this series: 1-9, 2 K. Too much lightning up in this town.
We are both from planet Mongoloid.
I know I say some mean things about him once and a while, but I really do love Ron Santo (in a manly way). There are only two people, ever, who can use the word Cubbies without it making me want to kill them. Ron and Harry.
So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.
Fat Lance only runs when lighting is involved.
Hey, was Ron getting a beege from that girl on her knees in the booth before he sang..
Coming into today, Berkman was 4-32 against the Cubs .125 with 11 K’s and two walks and not single homer or RBI.
Wow! The Cubs really have their hitting shoes on today!
Me, I have my pall bearer shoes on!
When we wear the blue tops, you can really see that I pull my pants up to my tits.
I’d like to hear Bob reply to the shot of that kid holding up the “Alfonso Knock One Out” sign by saying, “He already did kid. Sit the fuck down!”
Nice strikeout, Soriano. You suck.
Am I wearing white shoes?
White shoes, white batting gloves and a white shin guard.
Ronnie’s whiter than the Cubs’ lineup.
This ain’t Deadspin, Chip… that post didn’t even feature me.
Yeah, that was too fuckin’ soon.
Chuck, I already hit a 3 run shot today. You suck you douche!
Jason Marquis is just that. He does what people expect him to do. If someone can name a better number five, then more power to them.
There are 47 games left in the season. Let’s say Marquis loses ALL of his starts, which would equate to 10 starts for 1 and 2, and 9 for everyone else. If Marquis goes 0-9, they still win 105 games. Assuming of course everyone goes 36-0. Even if they play .600 the rest of the way, that’s still 29 wins and 98 for the season.
Name me! Name me!
Fifth starter, I like your style. Would you like to do a guest piece for me?
I think Wally Bell let the Cubs bat in the eighth hoping I would be killed by lightning.
Ahhh. I used to stink it up on this very mound on a daily basis. Those were the good days huh Dusty?
Let me start the ninth and then have Woody come in and get the save.
Shouldn’t Lou be getting Kerry his last inning of non-closing right now?
Kermit says I never have a bad at bat. Kermit must not be watching too many games.
Good morning, good afternoon, and good night. Just like the good old days indeed. In American Legion ball.
throwing some leather!
I’m not bad.
Four and two home stand so far. Four and one when they let the game go nine.
Flappity flap flap!
The magic number is me!
Or is it 43?
Magic # is me.
My money is on Fat Elvis. What a creative bunch of names on that roster. Anyone else see this today? http://www.firstdibz.com/all-time-chicago-cubs-team.html – Glad to see old 3-finger made their list.
test
hey asshole, go spam somebody else’s site.
you suck Dolan.