Let me start out by saying I like Bobby Hill. I like him for a lot of reasons. I like that the Sox wasted a first-round pick on him and he refused to sign. I like that the Cubs got him with a second-round pick a year later and he did sign. I like that he’s feisty, knows how to get on base and that he had enough sack to demand Mark Grace’s precious number 17 the day after Mark was allowed to sign with that retirement village in Arizona.

What I don’t like is him playing third base.

Maybe it will work out. Maybe Jim Hendry will prove to be a genius. Maybe a naked supermodel will show up on my front porch holding a suitcase of $100 bills just for me.

Anyway, Desipio sources tell us that Bobby will be recalled today, with the great Frank Beltran making a 24-hour Des Moines to Toronto to Des Moines round trip. Bobby will be thrown in the mix at third base with future hall of famers Lenny Harris, Ramon Martinez and Mark Bellhorn. If this is the case, Bobby should just play there every day. He’s a real-live leadoff man. You can hit him first, Gruddy second and move Alex Gonzalez down in the lineup (10th sounds about right to me).

I’m sure every pennant winning team has had a 5’7, 170 pound third baseman.

Actually, the Giants played Dave Bell there last year. And a) he’s a dwarf, and b) he sucks. So maybe it can be done.

I have a problem with two kinds of people these days.

1) Mark Grace apologists. Why are you people still out there? Those of us who go way back (and you know who you are) remember that even when Mark was wearing the blue pinstripes I was not kind to him. He’s a cool guy. He’s very funny, he likes to party and chicks dig him. But he was a .300 hitter who refused to work out, refused to stop smoking a pack of Winstons every day and a guy who not only hated Sammy for no reason, but who used to take the young Cubs—like Kerry Wood and Jeff Pico and Ken Reitz and Mordecai Brown—out boozing every night. Some guys, like Grace, can play with a hangover. Some can’t.

2) Mark Bellhorn apologists. Hey, nobody was happier about Bellhorn’s 2002 than I was (OK, maybe he was happier, but that was about it). I even tauted him in spring training last year, which made me look extra-super-smart. But who really thought it would happen again? Come on, a guy whose major league batting averages over the years had been .228, .083, .154, .135 and then, .258 (last year) is probably a .211 hitter. What’s he hitting now?

Oh, .211.

Yeah, but his on-base average is .342, so see, that’s not that bad. Oh, shut up. He has struck out in a third of his at bats. A THIRD! Forty-four K’s in 133 at bats. And he’s made six errors in 93 chances at third base. You know what those numbers get you in the minors? A bus ticket home.

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Was Chip Caray even more homoerotic this weekend than normal? When he wasn’t comparing Dave Kelton’s handsomeness to that of Larry Wayne “Chipper” Jones, he was going on and on about what tight hamstrings that Alex Gonzalez has. Listening to Chip at times is more uncomfortable than a Six Feet Under sex scene.

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Now that I’ve pretty much just ripped on people so far, I’m going to rip on a guy for ripping on guys. Nice, huh? What has happened to Rick Reilly? Ever since he started doing those ESPN SportsCenter commentaries he’s turned into a taller Mike Lupica. He just pisses and moans about stuff. On Saturday he was going off on the golf course at Olympia Fields because it was too easy. First of all, I’m troubled by how much Rick’s head is growing. I don’t mean ego-wise, I mean actual head size. He kind of looks like an overinflated Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. It’s troubling. But secondly, lighten up a little. Only four golfers finished the US Open under par, so the damn course couldn’t have been that easy–and none of them were named Eldrick Woods. Come on, Rick, it’s not like this is important, it’s just golf, it’s not Mark Bellhorn or anything.

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The NBA Finals came to a screeching halt last night. ABC was happy that the series ended. They were afraid a game seven might pre-empt an “According to Jim” rerun.

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Harrison Ford is out doing publicity for his new movie with Josh Hartnett. In every interview he’s done, he’s been asked why he doesn’t do more interviews. First off, how ridiculous is that question? Second, it’s because Harrison’s boring as hell. He’s not funny, he doesn’t “get” how to do those kind of interviews, and even though he’s a good actor who’s been in a dozen great movies, we don’t need to hear him talk. Plus, I think he likes it that way.

The only question I’d ask him is…you’re Harrison Ford—what the hell are you doing with skinny, weird looking Calista Flockhart? If you’re going to date somebody half your age, do it Michael Douglas style. You dope.

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The Cubs are hitting .198 in June. Is that bad?

Jim Hendry says he’s got money to burn when they need to make a move. Uh…how about now?

Groucho fires up a tepid NBA draft rumor mill.

The Sun-Times also says that Bobby’s coming to town.

Steve Kerr might not retire. Why would you retire from a job where you work six hours a night?

Roger Clemens says that if he doens’t go into the Hall of Fame as a Yankee, he won’t even show up for the induction. Well, Red Sox it is!

Rick Neuheisel said he won’t go down without a fight. Then, his phone rang and he put $6,000 on the Spurs in six.

Peter Gammons on those pesky damn Blue Jays. They were the best interleague team the Cubs played.

Tim Layden says that college football is about to change, big-time, and he’s not just talking about Notre Dame’s hideous gold jerseys.

CNN says “Dumb and Dumberer” is just plain bad. It had to be without the Farrelly Brothers around to save it.

The New York Times seems aghast that you can buy lots of Harry Potter crap. What, have they not been around for five years?

Sean Duffy (from “Real World: Boston”) is running for congress. The best thing he did was marry flat chested Rachel from “Real World: San Francisco”.

When I read this headline the first time, I thought it said Tang. That would have been funnier.

America’s finest news source asks their “men” on the street about partial birth abortions.