It?s about that time, so you might as well start familiarizing yourself with some of the names you?ll hear David Stern stumble through in this year?s draft next Thursday evening—a draft that would be made only slightly more amusing if we could somehow involve Vanna White and the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee.

For better or worse, NBA general managers and pro scouts are simply too scared to pass on the next Dirk Nowitzki or Tony Parker, meaning proven college 4-year performers such as Brian Cook, Dahntay Jones, Kyle Korver, Brandin Knight, Troy Bell, Mario Austin, Josh Howard and Luke Walton get effectively bumped to the 2nd round for any one of these eyecharts. If you don?t want to bother with the pronunciations, I?ve included the Yankee-friendly nickname the majority of their teammates will adopt.

Darko Milicic (Darkman)- At 7?, 250lbs, this lefty power forward from Serbia is just short of a lock to Detroit with the number 2 overall pick. He?s only 17, and not nearly as ready as Carmelo Anthony or T.J. Ford to produce right away and bolster the Pistons office. He only averaged 13 points per game and 8 rebounds for KK Hemofarm. That sounds like a farm I won?t be getting my produce from. Darko is likened to “Nowitzki with a mean streak”, which very well may mean he also has bad hair (bleached blond Slim Shady style) and an ability to mix it up down low and hit the long trey.

Pavel Podkolzine (Pee Pee)- He?s 7?5, 300 lbs. and still growing. And unlike George Murhesan, he can put one foot in front of the other and form words to make phrases and even semi-complete sentences. He had an impressive pre-draft workout that could land him somewhere between Toronto at #4 and the Knicks at #9. He?s got a surprisingly decent handle and shot for a man his size, but a large buyout with his club team, and the fact he?s 2-3 years from being comfortable banging in an NBA lane, may make him a mid-first rounder.

Mickael Pietrus (Michael with a K)- Both the Bulls and Grizzlies are high on M-Pete, a Frenchie who draws favorable comparisons to league athletes Michael Finley and Desmond Mason. Which means he should hear his name called somewhere between #7 and #13. At 20, he doesn?t have quite the upside as the two teenaged big men previously listed, and his ball-handling could use some work. I was unable to confirm that his favorite Bull of all time is Pete Meyers.

Maciej Lampe (Ma-What?)- He?s 18, 7? tall, and a Pollack. Ah well, two out of three ain?t bad. He?s another big man that can shoot, but his lack of defensive intensity and rebounding ability could scare some teams off in need of a traditional post presence. That won?t keep him from going lottery.

Leandrinho Barbosa (Barbie)- Barbie is currently considered the best Brazil has to offer, and I?m assuming that means ?the wax? was removed from consideration. He?s a 6?4 guard with a 6?10 wingspan—which means someone?s gonna call him ?long? on draft night, and somewhere I?ll snicker. He can play D, and he?s pretty quick for his size. But a funky looking shot and an inability to speak English are pretty big knocks—especially for the guy you?d like to run your offense. For some reason I?m reminded of Jiri Welsch from last year?s draft, who only produced slightly more in the League last year than I did.

Alexsandar Pavlovic (Sandy)- He?s a 6?7 Serbian small forward prospect who compares to Stojakovic—-except for his unimpressive 3-point range. He wants the ball in crunch time, and attempts to do too much at times. Needs to get stronger, but could still go mid to late first round.

Viktor Khryapa (Vickie)- Krappa is a 6?9 small forward Russian that may become Pau Gasol light, or Keith Van Horn heavy. But, he?s not available to the U.S. this year, meaning a team that wants to avoid the luxury tax might select him and let him play off the payroll for another year of international seasoning. The Nets did this last year with Nenad Krstic.

Sofoklis Schortsanitis (Shortie)- His Greek teammates call him ?Baby Shaq? which makes me think Robert ?Tractor? Traylor. He?s probably not the 6?10 his agents claim, but if a scout grades him out comparable to Elton Brand he?s a first rounder.

Carlos Delfino (Fino)- He?s a 6?7 Argentinan big guard that?s supposed to be a tougher, stronger Emanuel Ginobili, though not as quick. Then again, who is? Carlos has an ankle issue that is scaring some teams off, but he could still be worth a gamble at the end of the first.

Zaur Pachulia (Zippy)- The Z Man will hope to avoid the injury plagued career of Zydrunas Ilgauskas, though they might possess similar interior games. He was underutilized in Turkey this year, but came on strong late. He?s a former teammate of Denver?s 2002 first rounder Nikoloz Tskitishvili, and he?ll likely stay a former teammate—going somewhere in the late 20?s.

Malick Badiane (WhoseBad?)- Dallas might pick this shotblocker with little offense if only because they don?t have anyone on the roster from Senegal. He?s got a 7?4 wingspan, and has no idea who Shawn Bradley is—-which makes many Mavs fans very jealous.

Zarko Cabarkapa (Stickman)- You?d normally expect a first round seven footer to have some experience playing with his back to the basket—that?s not the case here, which may mean we?re looking at a second rounder. Zarko likes to catch and shoot, and was the youngest member of the 2002 Yugoslavian team that helped embarrass the ugly Americans in Indianapolis last summer on their way to the World Championship gold medal.

Boris Diaw (Bodie)- Diaw was a possible first rounder last year but pulled himself to spend the last year getting overshadowed by fellow Frenchie Mickael Pietrus. He?s a 6?9 big guard with excellent passing ability, often times at the expense of his own offense. Real World Paris? Ace says he has a nice car.

Zoran Planinic- Zoran?s a 6?6 unselfish point guard who understands the pro game and had a real shot at the lottery a few months ago. Then he got in a car wreck (who knew they had cars in Croatia?) and never quite got it going. If you?re thinking this sounds like Bobby Hurley, then we may very well be related.

That should just about cover every possible foreigner that might get the ol? David Stern-handshake-and-boy-you-sure-are-tall-uncomfortably-forced-smile-for-the-cameras treatment. I?ll make my apologies now if I?m unable to chime in during the actual draft commenting on everything from suit choices to Lebron?s posse to why someone hasn?t taken a chance on Casey Sanders. But, I?m scheduled for a softball double-header and there?s no ?I? in team. Besides, I?ve got Replay TV. Which means with all the time between picks eliminated, I?ll catch up to you before you know it.

And if you happened to watch Paradise Hotel on Wednesday, and thought that buff-chick, bug eyed Toni looked familiar, it?s because you?re a reality junkie and recognized the she-male Chicago bartender from last summer?s Love Cruise. She?s obviously sold her soul to the devil and I?ll anxiously be awaiting her eviction with all of you. Unless you?re into big boned girls, then by all means enjoy! I?ll stick with Charla? By the way that’s her cute little I’m-thinking-of-something-naughty-and-you-don’t-know-what-is look.