It’s my own fault. From time to time I feel a pathological need to go over to Bleed Cubbie Blue and read what the nitwits are up to. I should know better by now.

Today, if you go there, you are greeted by a way-too-large, extreme close up of a very sleepy, or very stoned, or both, Mike Fontenot.

While the photo itself is enough reason to mock the entire interview, the questions Al asked him were so inane that I thought it was a Chris Farley Interview spoof.

Fontenot was awfully polite, and apparently he was promoting contact lenses (seriously) he gave far better answers than Al deserved.

What would it have looked like if Mike had called Al on his dopey bullshit?

(These are the actual answers Al asked–in bold. And my interpretations of what Little Babe Ruth wanted to answer, but was too polite to.)

Many thanks to the Cubs and Troy Tepley of Exponent PR for arranging this interview with Cubs infielder Mike Fontenot.

BCB: You were a number one draft out of LSU with the Orioles. Did being a number one draft [sic] put any more pressure on you when you came up out of school to pro ball? How did you feel about that? Did you expect to be a number one pick?

Huh? How many questions was that? And I think you left a word out of the first one. But yeah, being a number one draft pick put more pressure on me because if I had been a second round pick I wouldn’t have cared if I failed miserably and never made it to the big leagues. Honestly, I probably would have just taken that job at Burger King.

BCB: What did it feel like when you got traded because a lot of guys say there is an adjustment there. You were traded in the deal for Sammy Sosa. Did you think that was a big deal coming to the Cubs and what kinds of adjustments did you have to make coming to a different organization?

Is there an adjustment when you get traded? You mean like the fact that you now live in a different city, have new teammates, have no idea if the new team really wanted you or just wanted to get rid of a bat corking, boombox playing, ‘roid freak? No, there are no adjustments. I mean, other than finding blue shoes and learning a new bunt sign.

BCB: So you got called up for a few games in ’05 and then in ’06 you didn’t play in the major leagues at all. Did that start you wondering when am I going to get back here, how am I going to make it back, what do I have to do to make it back?

Thanks for reminding me that I spent all of 2006 in Des Moines. I almost forgot that. Why would I have wondered when you were were going to make it back though? Or how you were going to make it back, or what you had to do to make it back? Who are you, again?

BCB: What’s it like playing for Lou?

Well, considering that he saw enough ability in me to keep me around last year when I got called up, and then again this spring to put me on the team when it looked like some asshat like Alex Cintron might take my spot, it’s pretty cool. He doesn’t like dumbasses though, so I don’t think you’d get along with him.

BCB: Does he always let you know what’s expected of you, not just from a day to day basis, but also in general for the whole season, what your role is on the team and do you know what to expect all the time?

He always does. I mean before every pitch he’ll turn to me and say, “Fonty, don’t lean on your right ass cheek so much, it’ll hurt your lumbar!” When I’m in the lineup he’ll come over and say, “Fonty, today you’re playing second base. I need you to stand in the field about half way between the first base bag and the second base bag. If a ball comes to you on the ground you’ll have to throw it to first base to get what’s called an “out” if it’s in the air and you catch it with your glove then you don’t have to throw it to first. Oh, and you’ll be batting after Geovany Soto, so keep an eye on him so you’ll remember when it’s your turn.”

BCB: In terms of being a fan I like watching you play and I like the game you bring on the field. What did you know about Cubs fans and about Wrigley Field before you came and is that meeting your expectations or is it different from what you expected? What’s it like for you personally to come play here every day?

I’m so glad you like watching me play. I like watching you root! I love it when you keep score and wear those nifty hats and eat bologna sandwiches during the game. It’s great. You’re awesome. Keep it up. I also like that you like the game I bring on the field. It’s called Chutes and Ladders and Ryan Theriot and I play it in between pitches. Baseball’s boring.

BCB: I can tell you from watching the game on TV it sounded like a home game. It must have been incredible.

You know why it sounded like a home game? Because you watching WGN. I’ll bet if you watched Fox Sports Florida it would have sounded like a road game.

BCB: What’s it like playing with Ryan Theriot who you played with in school?

Yeah, we played together in “school.” We played a shit load of tetherball. And of course, Chutes and Ladders.

BCB: I read an article last year that said you watch his kids sometimes. Is that true?

Thanks for making me sound like a pedophile. Where did you read that, in your monthly edition of “Creepy Shitass Magazine?”

BCB: That’s the one. So, is it true?

That you are a creepy shitass? Uh…yes.

BCB: What’s it like for you preparing for a game every day depending on whether you’re starting, not starting? How do you prepare differently for those two because you have so many different roles and you’re not starting every day.

No, I prepare the same whether I’m starting or not. I still run out onto the field at the beginning of the game and take grounders from Derrek Lee until Mark DeRosa tells me to go sit in the dugout. What do you think? Of course it’s different? Holy crap, what is wrong with you?

BCB: I noticed on Sunday when Aramis Ramirez hit the double that broke the tie, they took a shot of all you guys in the dugout and everybody was right off the bench cheering for everybody. That really shows how tight you are as a team.

Yeah, we were all rooting for “everybody” not for Aramis. I was cheering for Jason Marquis and Daryle Ward was cheering for Mike Quade and Reed Johnson was rooting for a meteor to fall out of the sky and burn down your apartment building.

BCB: You know one of the broadcasters calls you Little Babe Ruth.

I wasn’t aware of that. Nobody tells me anything. If they told me things, I’d have known to have turned this interview down, I’ll tell you that much.

BCB: You’ve hit more home runs, honestly, than maybe a guy your size may be expected to hit. What do you do that allows you to hit for that kind of power?

What do you mean a guy “my size?” I’m 5’8, I’m not Eddie Freaking Gaedel. I’ve hit 11 homers in three years. Are you accusing me of being on steroids? I’d like for you to be on horse tranquilizers, that’s what I’d like.

BCB: Are you surprised at how well the Cubs have done this year? You guys knew you had a good team, or felt you had a good team but as a fan, it’s way beyond my expectations. Are you surprised at how well it’s been going so far?

Seriously, it’s way beyond your expectations? Because we worry about that. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been in the clubhouse before a game worried that we were letting you down. Yeah, I’m surprised, I thought we were going to suck. I mean, I made the team, how good could we be?

BCB: Let’s turn this to the reason that Troy got in touch with me, yes, it’s a commercial deal. You deal with AcuVue. Tell us a little bit of what that’s about.

Wait, you mean I’m here to pimp some contacts? You mean, I didn’t just want to talk baseball with Al Yellon, baseball savant? You don’t say. Fascinating. Fine. Buy some contacts, your glasses make you look like a douche. There.

BCB: It sounds like such a simple thing –- see the ball, hit the ball.

Huh? Oh, yeah, buy Acuvue’s, it’ll help you hit a baseball. I tape an extra pair onto my bat so it’ll see better, too.

BCB: So this isn’t just an endorsement. It’s something you use and it has helped you.

Actually, that’s what makes it an endorsement. Do you know what that word means? Do you need me to type slower?

BCB: Do you have any predictions for the rest of the season?

I predict that you will die alone.

BCB: You’ve seen the enthusiasm of the fans and people on road games and there’s only going to be more as time goes on.

(waits…)

You do know that’s not a question, right?

BCB: You guys were lucky to get out of Miami Sunday night. There’s a tropical storm coming in.

(waits…)

Again, not a question.

BCB: Was it weird when they had that rain delay when it wasn’t raining? That was kind of strange.

No, I didn’t think it was strange. Why would it be strange to delay the start of the game because of rain that never actually fell out of the sky? Why do you find that odd?

BCB: I imagine it’s much more fun coming to the ballpark when you’re winning like this.

I’ll tell you this, it’s a lot easier answering questions when somebody actually asks them.

You know what? Don’t buy Acuvue contact lenses. We don’t want you using our product. Just stick thumbtacks in each eye and call it a night.