Every team has one of those days. Your pitcher can’t throw a strike, your outfielders can’t find the ball, the other teams fans are distracting your players with their mullets…

Even the best of teams lose 12-3 games. But it’s not supposed to happen against the freakin’ White Sox. On a chilly June day, the Cubs took all the fun out of the beginning of the overhyped and overrated crosstown series in half an inning. Sigh.

But hey, it could have been worse. The Cardinals got lit up at home by the Royals last night. And Jose Lima got the win. Yikes.

You knew it was bad when Shawn Estes took the mound and flashed that “I dont’ want to be here” expression.

Estes had three chances to throw a third strike in the first and get out of it all with only surrendering one run. Let’s just say he didn’t take advantage of that.

Miguel Olivo hit a grand slam on a pitch that you or I could have hit out of Wrigley. After the pitch, Steve Stone audibly hoped that Estes’ back is bothering him again. Otherwise, there’s just no excuse.

In the bottom of the second, with the Cubs down 7-1 Chip Caray broke out his sage baseball wisdom. “The Cubs aren’t doing the little things. They couldn’t get the bunt down here with Wellemeyer, they’re walking guys and they’re playing bad defense.” Gee, ya think?

I did enjoy that the cameras kept finding the brilliant south side fan with the “Go White Soxs” banner. Soxs?

Chip used the word “noseburger” to describe Alex Rodriguez’s mishandling of a throw that hit him in the face. I think we all know that if anybody is familiar with a noseburger, it’d be Chip.

I was so proud that Chip managed to get through the game without a “darn those Sox” reference.

Chip and Steve went on about how they hoped Mark Bellhorn got things turned around in Colorado. Screw that. Once the Cubs trade a guy, I want to see him wallow in perpetual suckiness forever.

Steve said of long reliever Todd Wellemeyer, “He’s going to be a starting pitcher some day.” How about Wednesday?

Chip said, “Give the Sox credit. They’re not known as a team that shows a lot of patience.” Give them credit? Estes couldn’t even hit the catcher, just how bad would you have to be to swing at any of that?

Sammy lost a flyball in the sun that went for a double. Chip and Steve seemed incredulous that the official scorer would make that a hit. But the protocol in any situation where the fielder clearly loses a ball in the sun or the lights is that you have to give the batter a hit. It sucks, but that’s how it’s done.

Steve said, “The sun’s been up there for a long time, and it’s always in the same place.” Huh? Uh steve, we live in a heliocentric galaxy, which means everything revolves around the sun. It also means that the sun is constantly changing it’s position in the sky. Jeesh, where’d you go to high school?

It was nice to see Kenny Williams enjoying the game from the box seats. How many Cubs fans went by to wish him well and inquire what his sons stole for him for Father’s Day?

Hey! Comedy’s not always nice.

With the score 12-1 in the fourth inning, you just had to figure all of this was Jose Hernandez’s fault.

I hate to keep harping on Steve and Chip, but really, there wasn’t much else to pay attention to in this rout. How about this?

Chip pointed out that Bruce Kimm is the third base coach for the White Sox and he said, “He didn’t have many runners to wave home with that right arm last year.” Huh? Chip, he was the manager, not the third base coach. Why would he be waving anybody home?

Line of the day was from Stone: “The Cubs are being beaten like Paul Wilson.”

Chip told the story of Dave Wannstedt watching a replay of the The Farns tackle on a TV at Harry Caray’s restaurant on Thursday night. I think everybody had my question, What the f@#$ is Wanny doing in Chicago, and why do we allow him back in the town?”

There comes a time, and I think it’s 12-1, when you just start bunting at Frank Thomas until you catch up.

Chip really entertained himself by picking on Tony Graffanino for being the only Sox starter without a hit. When Chip rips on you, you’ve got problems.

Remember two years ago when Tony fielded the grounder with two outs in the top of the ninth and went to third for a force that wasn’t there, as the go-ahead run scored? Yeah, that was awesome.

Chip wondered aloud if it would be “a cheap shot to blame the score on the new chairs in the press box”? No, it wouldn’t be a cheap shot. It would be stupid.

Somebody hit a foul ball on the roof and Chip mentioned the doves that nest up there. Doves? Uh..Chip…those are pigeons, buddy.

Just when Chip was perfecting his hokey insult comic schtick, Eddie Vedder stopped by to show off his strangely normal haircut and to call Steve “Ron.”

This interview may have been the ultimate example of just what a dork Chip is. It was great. It almost made the game entertaining.

He referred to his guitar as an “axe.” OK, Chip Frampton, whatever.
He said he loved Pearl Jam and just wished “those licks weren’t so hard to learn.”
Eddie suddenly realized he was talking to Steve Stone and broke out his baseball card collection, which included great afro shots of Jose Cardenal and Oscar Gamble (the mother of all Afros in his Yankee days), and Eddie’s self-described “white man’s afro” on the Steve Stone card.

After Eddie left, Steve dropped the names of Alice Cooper and Dennis Franz as two of his friends. Chip came back with the Captain and Tennille and Jim Nabors. (OK, maybe not.)

Chip referred to Pearl Jam as “a band with a conscience.” He said, “If you listen to their lyrics and read their stanzas…” Stanzas? Like George CoSTANZA? Chip really is, just the biggest dork ever.

Anyway, in the seventh, the Cubs paired the unlikely combination of a Corey Patterson walk with a Tom Goodwin RBI single. What are the odds?

And…finally (thank God). Mark Prior got to bat for Joe Borowski in the ninth. But Fox showed a graphic that the last Cubs hitter to get a pinch hit was…Joe Borowski. Huh? Prior struck out.

So the Cubs tossed the opener 12-3, and one can only hope that the horror does not repeat itself.

By the way, with Fox National doing the game today, the Chip Caray Terror Alert has been set to low. So you’re safe…for one day, at least.