We should have known it was going to be a long, torturous day when it started with Chip introducing the Eric Karros-Steve Stone interview as, “The old man and the Steve.” I honestly think a guy could make a $100 million if he could invent a way to smack Chip through the TV.

But on a day when everything started wrong–including the Cubs wearing those stupid blue pajama tops–it all ended well.

Looking at the top of the Sox order, I can see why they’re under .500. Willie Harris is just awful, and when a guy makes you pine for the days of Chris Singleton, you know you’ve got problems.

D’Angelo Jiminez can’t field, isn’t hitting and Steve claims he has poor range at second base. Hey, other than that, he’s great!

Wait! Is that Lenny Harris at third base? No, it can’t be. I mean, Dusty has Jose Hernandez and Ramon Martinez to choose from, right?

Chip opened with this, “They don’t pay you for trying hard. They pay you for wins and losses.” Huh? Uh, Chip. No they don’t. They pay you, no matter what. It’s baseball. You don’t even have to try hard.

WGN showed Frank Thomas’ splits as a 1B and as a DH, and I’m thinking, “Seventy at bats at first isn’t a big sample size. Maybe he’s just hot and where he’s playing has no bearing on it.”

Bart Colon is incredibly fat. A family of six lives in his pants when he’s not using them. I’ll bet he’s happy it’s hot out today.

Chip says that Scott Rolen and Jeff Kent are both injured. Kent apparently hurt his wrist again—was he out “washing his truck?” Rolen’s got a bad neck. Rolen probably hurt his neck watching those rocket homers fly by him when Matt Morris is on the mound.

Chip referred to Miguel Olivo as Darth Vader. Huh? I’ve got news for you Chip, if Darth Vader played baseball he wouldn’t be a banjo-hitting catcher.

When Lenny Harris hit that loud foul ball with two on and two out in the second inning, you knew he was going to strike out, didn’t you?

Carlos Zambrano is a stud. I’m not just saying this because I’ve been telling you it was true for two years now, I’m just saying his performance is speaking for itself.

WGN showed shots of Bruce Kimm and Wendell Kim. When Bruce Kimm is the better of two anything, you’ve got problems.

Nice job of Eric Karros “stealing” the call on that Olivo grounder in the fourth. He knew Maggs was going to be safe and he literally sprinted off the bag to make it look like it was a routine out. Nicely played.

When Chip is cracking on players like he was Mickey Morandini yesterday, it’s when you realize he doesn’t even understand how much everyone hates him. He thinks he’s one of the guys. Pathetic.

How impossible was this feat. The White Sox walked Corey Patterson twice in three games. Wow.

It happened again, every time I see the White Sox pitching coach I think his name should be followed by a list of the cars he sells. Don Cooper Ford-Lincoln-Mercury, perhaps?

Not Sammy’s finest moment taking a grooved strike three right down the middle with two on in the fourth.

Another reason I love Carlos. Did you see the way he punched out Carlos Lee when the umpire gave him the outside corner on that inning ending K in the fifth? Awesome. Chip bitched that it was a ball, but that thing caught a lot of plate.

Sure enough, WGN managed to find a guy in a Darth Vader costume, and a guy in a stormtrooper suit outside Wrigley. The best part, they started playing catch. High comedy. You can’t make this stuff up.

WGN also got us a gratuitious shot of a shirtless, fat Sox fan in the bleachers. Man, was she a sight. Blecch.

Was it a guy? With Sox fans, I can’t tell the difference. Both have mullets and moustaches.

In the sixth, Darth Olivo hit a sac fly to score the first run. It’s 1-0 Sox and Chip is freaking out.

The next batter is Colon and he hits a grounder into the hole at short. Ramon makes a nice play and throws him out. Colon had to run a whole 90 feet and he looked like he was going to need a wheelchair to get to the mound.

Before the seventh inning, the moment I warned you about yesterday came true. Chip started harping on that stupid 1999 Sox sweep. I’m not even going to touch that again.

Steve remained obsessed with Bart Colon’s complete game numbers. He’s got five this year. That’s great. That means he didn’t finish 10 of them.

A dugout shot of Joe Crede shows that his eyes are on opposite sides of his head, like a fish. It’s a good thing Sammy beat him to the Corky nickname.

With one out and Harris on second, Chip wanted the Cubs to walk Frank Thomas to set up a double play chance for Maggs. Carlos decided to just hit Frank instead. Maggs then hit into a 6-3 double play. I liked it because it was more painful. And good job by Chip there, perhaps he’s some sort of double play idiot savant?

Governor Rod Blajjjjerkovicherowski sang the seventh inning stretch and showed surprising Cubs knowledge. He really is a fan. I think I like him now. Especially when he said, “We need Mike Lowell.” Good stuff.

Lenny is hitting .170? How is that possible?

A close up of Ron Santo in the WGN Radio booth shows him leaning over the ledge. He’s either going to throw up, or jump. Either way, that toupee’s falling off.

Runners at first and second, one out. Tom Goodwin has come in to pinch run for Eric Karros. Damian Miller at the plate and no double play prediction from Chip, even though it’s clear one will occur. Damian obliges. Sigh.

Dusty then loses his mind. He sends Carlos back out for the eighth, even though he’s unofficially thrown 427 pitches. Ramon Martinez moves from short to first and Alex Gonzalez comes in. LENNY HARRIS IS STILL IN AT THIRD. REPEAT. LENNY HARRIS IS STILL IN AT THIRD! WHY?

Why not take Lenny out, too? Or how about moving him to first if you want him in?

Maybe Dusty has Ramon in his fantasy league and wants him to have first base eligibility?

A shot of Bart Colon in the dugout shows that he’s pink and sweating and looking like David Wells with Moe from the Three Stooges’ hair. In my notes I wrote: “Put a fork in the fat pig, he’s basting.”

Carlos cruises through the eighth, and it’s no surprise when Jerry Manuel pulls Colon. He was done.

In comes Damaso Marte, or as Steve calls him, Marty.

Gruddy singles.

Ramon hits a double and Wendell Kim is waving Gruddy home. This time, Wendell’s right. Tie game. Ramon scoots to third.

Corey singles and the Cubs have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat and lead 2-1. Regular Joe is warming up in the bullpen. The White Sox bus has started and Jerry Manuel is telling his team they’re not getting ice cream today.

Chip says, “The Sox bullpen has been effective…except for yesterday and today.” Oh, well that’s…nothing.

Chip relays the news that the “red hot Cardinals” have lost to the Royals. The ‘red hot Cardinals’ have won three of their last TEN games.

Regular Joe mows through the Sox in the ninth, and the game ends with Gold Glove Corey Patterson running down a Willie Harris flyball.

Then, Chip makes me throw things at the TV. He says, “Redemption for Wendell Kim today!”

No.

No.

No.

A million times no.

You can’t compare him sending Gruddy today and Miller yesterday. First of all, Miller’s a catcher, he’s slow and he was out by 40 feet. The Gruddy play was a play every third base coach makes. You’ve got a good runner, a fast runner who’s got a very good chance. It’s going to take a perfect throw to get him. I’m not all over Kim for sending guys who get nailed on great plays. FOUR times in the last two weeks he’s had guys thrown out at home by more than 20 feet. That’s absurd. In my mind, Wendell still needs to be handed a pink slip.

John Rooney tells Chip and Steve that Bart Colon has been bothered by a “very sore hand” of late. He’s also got a “very big ass.”

But all’s well that ends with a Cubs’ win.

And we get to do it all over again next weekend at old-new Comiskey.