The Cubs signed Canadian funster Ryan Dempster yesterday to a four-year $52 million deal.  Other than the fact the contract is too long, and for too much money, it’s not too bad.  Oh, and I’d rather it was for a different pitcher, other than that, I’m on board.  Love it, actually.

I’m not taking anything away from Dempster for his 2008 season (just by starting the sentence “I’m not taking anything away… means, “I’m not giving this dope any credit” doesn’t it?  That would be wrong.  He deserves some credit.  I just don’t think he’ll ever do anything remotely like this again.  Remotely), but it’s pretty obvious now that when Jim Hendry and Kerry Wood sat down for dinner in Arizona last week, and Jim told Kerry he wouldn’t be brought back that it was because Hendry had decided to give Dempster, Kerry’s money, and then some.  A whole lot some.

What do we know about Dempster?  Quite a bit, actually.

He’s Canadian, right handed, a Tommy John Disease survivor (so far), he was an above average big league starter before he caught the disease, then a below average middle reliever (every time I see Dempster I think of this game, and it shocks me that I’m not serving life in prison for killing him and LaTroy), then a somewhat competent closer, then one of the best starters in the National League, for one season so far.  We also know that he was completely overmatched in his only playoff start, and he was afraid to throw strikes or unable to–either one is bad.

In the aftermath of his four inning, 109 pitch SEVEN walk performance in game one of the NLDS, Dempster looked like Senator Geary when he woke up with the dead hooker.

He’s going to be 32 for most of the 2009 season.  He’s never likely to duplicate his 17-6, 2.96 ERA that he put up last year.

Here’s the sad thing.  When the free agent market shakes out, his contract won’t look so bad.  Derrek Lowe is older and he’ll get more years and more money.  (Of course, he actually won the playoff game that Dempster lost.)  AJ Burnett is more injury prone and will get more money.  CC Sabathia is younger and better and will get enough money to buy either his own planet or a pair of pants that actually fit.

But, the only way this works is if one of the Cubs’ real aces, Carlos Zambrano or Rich Harden decides to pitch like it next year, making Dempster what he should be, a third or fourth starter, albeit a very pricey one.

The Cubs will be paying every member of their starting rotation more than $9.45 million next year.  And one of them is Jason Marquis.  Guh.

One of the things I find amusing is the feeling out there that Dempster deserves the big contract because he’s such a good “clubhouse guy.”  The Cubs need guys like him, otherwise the bad element in the clubhouse will take hold and things will collapse like they did in 2004.

Those 2004 Cubs could have used a guy like Ryan Dempster.

Oh, wait, we already established that they had a guy like him.  Him.

Over at Pollyellon’s Shut-Ins Galleria one of them sent Al a link to an article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution by a writer who wanted the Braves to sign Dempster because he’s so swell.

In the meantime, I throw out a personal vote for Ryan Dempster because this is my blog (for the moment) and I can say what I want. He’s still available after the deadline passed for teams to negotiate with their own free agents. My honorary cousin Phil Rogers of the Tribune says the Cubs offered him $48-$50 million over four years.

But here’s the personal part: I went into the Cubs clubhouse in spring training in 2004, unknown to most everybody in the room except for Greg Maddux, whom I was waiting to interview about spending his first spring training away from the Braves in 12 years.

And Dempster, seeing me standing there by myself, probably looking a little bewildered, came up and introduced himself. Yes, “Hi, I’m Ryan Dempster.” And he asks me where I’m from and what I’m working on.

Unreal. I’m telling you, that doesn’t happen in clubhouses. You’re supposed to know who these guys are, for one thing. And I did. But what an impression that made.

See? It’s years later and I’m still talking about it, and thinking he’d make a great addition to the Braves clubhouse. And OK, OK, there’s got to be a baseball part too. Seems to me he’s on the upswing. Just put up a 17-6 season with a 2.96 ERA for the Cubs in his first year back in the rotation since 2003 with the Reds.

Wow, so Ryan kissed a media member’s ass.  Who knew?  Gee he doesn’t seem like the type.  No, he doesn’t seem like it. He is precisely the type.

Al gives his own, consistently hackneyed take on it:

Laugh if you will, tell me this stuff doesn’t matter. I tell you that it does matter. Good clubhouse guys aren’t easy to find, and when you have one like Dempster who gets it, in addition to being dedicated to his craft and staying in shape so he can continue to perform at the high level he did in 2008, you keep him.

Laugh if I will?  By all means.  I’ll tell you what.  This stuff absolutely does not matter.  Not one bit.  It doesn’t matter that Ryan Dempster was nice to an Atlanta writer in spring training four years ago.

Good clubhouse guys are easy to find.  You can shake a tree and good clubhouse guys fall out of it.  Why they’re always climbing trees, I’m not sure, maybe they’re hiding from LaTroy?  Nice has nothing to do with it.  Now I’m not saying you go out and sign guys just because they’re assholes, but you can assemble the nicest bunch of non-threatening, friendly, courteous guys, and it doesn’t mean they’re going to win anything. If anything, the 2008 Cubs were too nice.  The only guys who had any outward fire were the game two starter (who makes everybody scared when he gets mad) and the nearly 70 year old manager.

And as for Al’s assertion that since Dempster is “dedicated to his craft and staying in shape” that ought to be a given.  Unless you sign a slob like Scott Eyre, you’re paying them to be dedicated to their craft and to stay in shape.  Jason Marquis works out non-stop, and throws more in the offseason than the Cubs would like him to, and he still sucks.

Besides, Mr. Funtime here seemed to throw his manager under the bus with his curious comments yesterday about why the 2008 Cubs flopped so epically in the playoffs.

“Maybe we underestimated how prepared you have to be, how ready you have to be, especially in a five-game series,” Dempster said. “It’s like a short heavyweight bout. Ding, the bell is ringing, you’ve got to go.”

Yeah, that’s probably it, because you hadn’t been swept in a five-game series in nearly a year.  Maybe what happened was the starting pitcher in game one set the tone by being unable to find home plate with a flashlight and a map?  Maybe the problem was that in your “short heavyweight bout” our fighter stood in the center of the ring and pissed himself?

Besides, who says “bout” these days?  Well, you are Canadian, maybe you said “boot?”

“I think sometimes we almost expected it, go out there and play hard and we’re good enough and just expect it to happen, and we’ll win this series and then the next one and all the excitement will happen once we get to the World Series,” he said. “Maybe L.A. was just a little more prepared for us than we were for them.”

If I were Lou, and I read this, I’d hire a sled dog team and find you in Bumfuk, Canada and kick your ass.  LA was more prepared than you were?  That’s why you walked seven guys in four innings?  That’s why you couldn’t get a bunt down?  Joe Torre took Derek Lowe aside before the game and explained where the strike zone was so he could not only throw strikes, but so he could bat against you and walk? Why didn’t Lou think of that?  He didn’t prepare you!  He didn’t help you put on your Depends before you went out and shit all over yourself on national (well, for cable) TV.  Shame on Lou.

Yeah, that’s just what this team needs, more guys like you.  More guys who can act befuddled when you play like a pussy, and then blame it on somebody else.  More guys who annoy the shit out of their teammates and me with the worst Harry Caray impression of all time.  I can’t believe Hendry didn’t give you a 12 year contract, you’re invaluable!

Congratulations.  Go treat yourself to a nice meal. Just try not to choke on it.