Let’s get this straight. Yesterday the White Sox made two trades and announced to the world that they actually want to win this year (novel concept, I know). Yesterday the Florida Marlins announced that Cubs coveted third base target Mike Lowell will not be paroled from the Pro Player Prison in Miami this year. Yesterday the Cubs lost their fifth one-run decision in six days and the game ended with El Pulpo on the mound…again.

For the love of God, somebody make this Ozzy Osbourne song in my head stop.

Somebody fire up the oven! My head is going in.

Let’s take these in order.

The White Sox traded six minor leaguers yesterday for former Gold Glover and All-Star Roberto Alomar and current psycho Carl Everett. If you’re a Sox fan you have to be excited. You also have to run outside and make sure the cops haven’t put the Denver Boot on your Camaro. Don’t worry. We’ll wait.

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OK, you’re welcome. The Sox had glaring holes in center field and second base. They still have one at third base, and phony white man voice Kenny Williams says he’d like to make one more move before the trade deadline.

These trades give the Sox a potential lineup of:

CF Carl Everett (switch hitter)
2B Roberto Alomar (switch hitter)
DH Frank Thomas (bats right)
RF Magglio Ordonez (bats right)
1B Brian Daubach (bats left)
LF Carlos Lee (bats right)
SS Jose Valentin (switch hitter)
3B Joe Crede (bats neither)
C Miguel Olivo (bats right, gets picked off with either hand)

I give Kenny credit for trying, but that lineup doesn’t work. Everett is about 30 pounds heavier than he was when he was last a legitimate leadoff candidate. Alomar won’t want to leadoff, and Robbie has a way of pouting his way out of things he doesn’t want to do.

The outfield defense of Lee, Everett and Ordonez might just be the funniest thing this year since “A Mighty Wind.”

We went over the Alomar trade yesterday. So let’s look at the trade for Everett. He’s an absolute psycho. He left a trail of destruction behind him in Houston and especially New York that is legendary. He and his wife had one of their kids taken away from them because they allegedly neglected the kid, which is interesting because former Sox centerfielder Ron LeFlore actually went to jail for that once. Talk about continuing a proud tradition on the south side.

Maybe Kenny Williams’ sons can babysit the Everetts kids as part of their probation? Now this makes sense.

On the field, Everett has regressed. He got fat and his knees got bad and he can’t play centerfield anymore. After a great year in Houston in 1999 (.325, 25 HR, 108 RBI, 27 SB) he was off to Boston for a great year in 2000 (.300, 34, 108, 11). Then, he lost his mind for good.

He said he didn’t believe dinosaurs ever exitsted, which earned him the Jurrasic Carl nickname.

He headbutted an ump.

He started calling Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaugnessy “Curly Haired Boyfriend.” — Actually, that was pretty funny. Wait until he gets a load of Mariotti.

But worse, he couldn’t stay in the lineup, and he didn’t produce when he was in it.

When Boston foisted him off on the Rangers in 2002 they were so happy they held a ticker tape parade. (OK, they didn’t go that far—but they were happy).

He bitched and moaned all last year in Texas and when Buck Showalter took over this year his goal was basically to get Carl off to a good start and dump his ass on somebody else.

Mission accomplished.

See if you notice a trend here in Carl’s batting average over the months.
April: .325
May: .281
June: .211

Or perhaps his on-base average.
April: .400
May: .383
June: .273

How about slugging?
April: .763
May: .510
June: .389

If Carl was a stock, you wouldn’t have just sold him, you’d have started a Wall Street panic trying to trade him.

Basically, I applaud Kenny Williams for having the balls to make these trades. Because the Sox farm system is an overrated mess, losing six prospects for the chance to catch lightning in a bottle with either or both of these players is a good risk. It also proves Kenny has no idea how to maximize the fleeting media exposure the Sox get. You don’t make both trades the same day! You make one today, grab some headlines for a few days, make the other trade, grab some more headlines for a few days and you’re golden. Instead, the Sox get the front page today and then the Cubs go out and trade for some superstar like Stubby Clapp and go back to the media focal point. But hey, that’s reality.

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The Marlins finally came the realization that every other organization in baseball already knew. That a) Mike Lowell is really good and b) he’s cheap, he can’t be a free agent for another full season and c) they’d be complete dopes to trade him. So he’s off the market.

Who’s fault is this?

I’m blaming it on Mark Bellhorn.

Jim Hendry’s had a Mike Lowell chubby for about two years. He tried to get him last spring and then again during the season last year. Then, Bellhorn went out and put up that fluky season and looked like a viable alternative at third base. So the Cubs didn’t address third base this offseason, when Lowell was likely very gettable. Then, in April when they realized that Bellhorn was not good at playing baseball, it was too late and the Marlins started that stupid “maybe we’ll trade him, maybe we won’t” dance that culminated yesterday with Hendry standing with his back to the wall next to the rest of the prom rejects.

Sigh.

So where do the Cubs go from here? The list is short and not distinguished, much like Gary Coleman.

Hey!

Tony Batista, Orioles — Used to be a shortstop, now has the range of a shopping cart, but over the last three seasons has averaged 32 HR, 96 RBI and a .250 average. He’s not exciting, and he’s got a ridiculous swing, but he can hit. He’s also a free agent next year and you don’t need to keep him around.

Mark Loretta, Padres — The Cardinals want him to play second base, and that’s reason enough to add him to the kindling pile with Lenny Harris, Jose Hernandez, Ramon Martinez and whatever else the Cubs already have. He’s hitting .302 on the season, is a career .294 hitter and is really, just boring as hell.

Corey Koskie, Twins — Inexplicably the Twins are seriously considering trading Koskie. If I’m the Cubs I’m on the phone and I’m begging. He’s hitting .308 with 12 HR and 50 RBI. He’s 30, he’s a hoser (he went to the University of Manitoba, eh!) and he’s got Juan Cruz’s hairline. But he’s also a potent lefty bat in a lineup that could use some potent lefty bats. Plus, unlike Jurassic Carl he hit .421 with five homers in June.

Why do the Twins want to trade him? They are trying to find a spot for superprospect Justin Mourneau (who is, really, really good) and he’s a first baseman. They’d like to trade Doug Mientkiewicz, but think (rightly) they can get a lot more for Koskie and Mientkiewicz can play third base.

The Twins like trading with the Cubs, and every time they watch Kyle Lohse pitch, they remember why. Besides, if you trade some good players to the Twins, you not only get a good player back, but you might just help keep the White Sox out of the playoffs. I like this idea.

Joe Randa, Royals — The Royals ought to be good enough to stay in the AL Central hunt, so they won’t trade Randa. But if they fall out of contention, they’ll give the guy away. The only downside? He kind of sucks. Plus, he’s got that weird perpetual grin. We know Hendry likes him, and in fact, he traded for him this spring, only to have Royals owner David Glass put the kiebosh on the deal because he didn’t think the Royals were getting enough. Not getting enough? A bucket of dirty baseballs should have been enough.

Adrian Beltre, Dodgers — In the offseason, the Cubs are expected to make a serious run at dealing for Adrian. The Dodgers are tired of him, much like they tired of those useless has beens Mark Grudzielanek and Eric Karros (hey!–wait a minute!). Beltre just turned 24 in April, and when the Dodgers give up on him, they’re making a mistake. If the Cubs could find them a decent alternative at third in a three-way trade, the Dodgers would trade him right now. In fact, the Cubs were in a no-lose situation if the Lowell sweepstakes had actually occurred. Lowell was going to end up in either LA or Chicago, and if it was LA, then Beltre was going to Chicago.

My Beltre infatuation could be a lark. I used to think JD Drew was the same kind of superstar in waiting, and now JD is old, and everybody’s still waiting. But I still like my chances of being right on this one.

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Another 4-3 loss in Philly? Guh. The Cubs have lost leads in their last SIX losses.

But I’m not blaming this on Alfonseca. No sir. Just because he comes in and throws unhittable fastballs and very hittable sliders? Nah. I’m blaming this on The Farns.

Since “the fight” the Cubs are 3-9. Blah.

Is it a coincidence? Well, of course it is, but it’s something!

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Rosey says it’s good the Sox are actually trying to win.

OK, so it’s not the “white flag trade” this time, but given the histories of Everett and Alomar it’s certainly the “red flag trade.”

Phil Rogers says it’s risky. But then, Phil thinks it’s risky to use Equal instead of Sweet n’ Low.

Rick Morrissey likes the trades.

Mike Lowell won’t be a Cub until 2005, if ever.

Same crap, different day.

John Paxson really wants Scottie Pippen. Really? Is he sure about this?

Paxson is also excited about Kirk Hinrich. I’m getting queasy. Can we bring Jerry Krause back now?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to praise Kenny Williams. Enjoy it while it lasts, Kenny. He’ll turn on you by Thursday.

The Wizard of Roz seems less than thrilled about the trades.

Peter May says the Clips have the cash, but don’t have the inclination.

Mike Vaccaro hopes the Alomar deal is the beginning of a housecleaning at Shea.

John Harper of the Daily News can’t understand what happened to Alomar.

TJ Simers is funny and in this one he hacks up the Dodgers pretty good.

The Japanese say, “We ruv Sammy Sosa!”

Tim Cowlishaw thinks the Mavs should sign Scottie Pippen. Huh? Look, I like Scottie, but I don’t see where getting another small forward helps the Mavs? Is Scottie going to play the four or the five? Then spend your money somewhere else and see if you can actually get better.

Dan Rather’s ratings are so low the WNBA is laughing at him. OK, they’re not that low.

America’s finest news source says that a Pensacola, Florida teen is getting tired of his minister father constantly bragging about the kid’s virginity.