What’s more unlikely to happen on a warm Chicago night?
1) Paul Konerko temporarily awakens from his coma to hit a game-tying homer as the Sox sweep the team they haven’t been able to beat for three years?
2) Matt Clement gets as many hits as he gives up and the Cubs finally win a one run game?
3) Sammy Sosa hops and the ball actually goes over the fence?
4) All across town yuppies congregate on wooden porches and none of them fall to their deaths?
5) The Red Eye (nice name) picks the top celebrities in Chicago and with a straight face, they actually lay claim to David Schwimmer and (get this) R. Kelly. As R. Kelly can attest, 16 will get you 20.
At the risk of being severly reprimanded by Kelly Dwyer, I’ll submit that Jeff Tweedy of Wilco is way too high on that list. I like the band, though if I wanted funky noises and feedback in my music I’d take another shower with Yoko Ono.
Tweedy is number three? I don’t see that. Disagree with me? Try this. At lunch go out and ask a dozen people if they know who Tweedy is. I’ve got $5 that says most of them immediately think of:
And how can Sammy be the only athlete on the list? Are you telling me that they couldn’t find room on that list for superstars like Rex Tucker, Dalibor Bagaric, Lenny Harris or Kelly Wunsch? Amateurs.
How about Mallory from Real World: Paris? Oh, and no e-mails about this weeks episode, TiVo has it safely stored for me to watch tomorrow. Shhh.
Anyway, because I brought her up:
Let me get this straight, the Sox had to make room for Roberto Alomar and Carl Everett and they waived Armando Rios (good move–he sucks) and D’Angelo Jimenez? Look, I know that D’Angelo’s work ethic makes Troy O’Leary look like Cal Ripken, but still. Instead of sending Willie Harris (the only guy in Chicago who hits worse than Lenny Harris) to AAA, they have to waive D’Angelo? This, a week after they had to waive Josh Paul? Nobody works that waiver wire like Kenny Williams, do they?
The Cubs signed Paul and he’s off to AAA, where he’s only one “Paul Bako caught a foul tip with his neck” away from joining luminaries like Steve Stone, Pat Tabler, Scotty Fletcher and Ken Kravec as guys who played for both the Cubs and Sox. Whoo!
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The Farns threw one pitch and got a win. Ain’t baseball grand?
As reported here first (well, other than the Dallas News) Sammy owes the Japs for his All-Star start.
The new guys went 1-9 and Carl Everett couldn’t get to fly balls that led to two Twins’ runs, but damn, those trades were great!
They didn’t give up much to get Alomar (who they can use) but they’ll give up a lot to get Everett (who they don’t need). This is just so Kenny Williams.
“You like your driver?”
“Nah, he’s not my type!”
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to go over all of the cute things Carl Everett has done over the years. Yeah, child abandonment, assault on an umpire, skipping games…all that stuff is adorable!
Juan Cruz for Mark Loretta? What, is Alvin Wiggins not available? Sigh.
Josh Paul is off to check the crops.
Intrepid reader David Bohnenkamp points out that a St. Louis Dispatch writer takes a jab at Benito Santiago’s “listed age”. Glass houses. Stones. ‘Nuff said.
Paxson is serious about this Pippen thing. Well, knock me over with a feather.
Jay Williams gets some good news for a change.
The Wizard of Roz buys into that “oooh, look at all that young Diamondback talent” crap. Here’s the thing, if you left Matt Kata and Robby Hammock out there for another week or two, they’ll finally reach their level…of suckiness. Don’t confuse two good weeks with actual talent. Remember, Jeff Pico was good for two weeks.
A great one from Rick Reilly.
Tom Verducci likes the Sox’s moves (though he still sounds like he thinks they’ll finish third) and he gives Carlos Zambrano some much-needed love.
Gilbert Arenas will cash some big checks as he slides back to mediocrity for somebody next season. You watch, the next guy the Warriors plug in at “point guard” in Eric Musselman’s system does the same thing. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Look who’s on the cover of this week’s SI. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Intrepid reader Rommy Rudolfi wonders if Robbie Alomar got off a little too light when he hocked that loogie on John Hirschbeck a few years ago.
Rommy also sent along a link to this piece Rick Telander wrote in April, daydreaming of a Cubs-Sox playoff collision. The Cubs are in first, the Sox are three out… Yeah, it’s still not going to happen.
A Big, Fat, Greek lawsuit.
Am I the only one who doesn’t understand a damn thing Ted Casablanca writes?
Oh, boo hoo hoo, Jack Osbourne has it so bad. Shut up.
Don’t you think Boba Fett is pretty jacked up about the $25 million bounty on Saddam Hussein?
America’s finest news source says that all a Wisconsin bowling alley owner wants is for his new commerical to look “more Matrix-y.”
Juan Cruz for me? Throw in Wellemeyer and Sisco and I can get you Donaldo Mendez.
Actually, it’s ALAN Wiggins and he’s dead. Not that it wouldn’t still be an improvement. I can think of several dead players that would reach base more often than Lenny Harris
I coked myself to death.
I may already be dead.
Hey, there are better shots of me:
and
Hey Dolan, you sonafabitch…I never played for the Sox. I submit to you Dennis Lamp, Warren Brusstar, and Don Pall as worthy substitues however.
Damnit. I forgot the Cubs traded you to the Indians. For some reason I thought you went to the Sox in the immortal Scotty Fletcher trade.
Sorry to wrongly accuse you of playing for the Sox.
Andy, I made a mistake and I apologized for it. In those years I played for the Sox, I thought theose were just practice games. I like to make people happy and I thought playing for the Sox would make them happy.
Sammy—-"You gone!"
Can I just be the first to say that I would have loved to trade for Pat Tabler when I was the GM of the Sox, but those damn Royals would not let him go. You know, he hit like .600 for his career with the sacks packed.
I love Pat Tabler.
Me gone….
Did you forget me?
Uh, isn’t it "Jorge Bell?"
According to Topps, when I was seven, it was.
And "Benny Santiago."
Plus D-Pall had two N’s in his first name.
C’mon people!!
My roommates are spring cleaning, and while I was waiting for one roommate to finish using the shower (so I could flex in front of the mirror), another tossed me an early-80s Sox "autographed" ball (stamped signatures) that he had laying around his room.
He asked me if I wanted it before he threw it out, I told him to piss off, and to stop making fun of the faux-sportswriter that lives next door.
Then I noticed "Rusty Kuntz"’ name on the ball. I then spent the next ten minutes, still waiting for the shower, furiously erasing everyone else’s name from the ball.
Now I have an autographed Rusty Kuntz ball.
It’s the Phyrric victories.
Niedermeyer!…Dead!, Marmalard!…Dead!, Wormer!…Dead!, Hussein!…
Now all you need is mine to finish the set. I’ll make you a deal…tell Neyer to stop calling my house and I’ll sign anything you want.
Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species. by texas hold’em