Now, that’s not fair. We don’t know for sure that Jim Hendry isn’t sitting in his palacial office right now reading a scouting report on Lofton that says:

Can’t throw…at all. Has lost a step. Slow bat. Weird looking. Bad attitude. One redeeming factor, made about 10 huge plays in the NLCS and beat the f@#$ing Cardinals.

But if it’s obvious to dopes like you and me, shouldn’t it be obvious to everybody?

Kenny spent the entire offseason unemployed. Nobody wanted him. The Giants decided they’d rather have Marquis Grissom, the Sox didn’t want him back with a 10 foot pole, the Cubs had half of the Giants coaching staff and they didn’t make a push for him then. Why do they want him now?

He hit a whopping .202 in April.
Had a 27 game hitting streak in May and hit .387 for the month.
Then he hit .220 in June and has hit .235 so far in July.

In three times as many at bats as the great Tom Goodwin, Kenny’s stolen 16 bases. Tom’s stolen 15. We know Tom can’t play. We don’t need confirmation that Kenny can’t.

As for trading Bobby Hill for him? Screw that. Bobby may have his problems, but he’s got actual athletic ability, something Kenny no longer has. Hill may never amount to anything and he’s likely to get traded in the next two and a half weeks, but not for Kenny Lofton.

Blecch.

A much better alternative for the Cubs is the Padres’ Mark Kotsay. He’s no superstar, but he’s put up solid numbers for the past three seasons. In fact (saber geek alert), he’s posted a plus .800 OPS two of the last three years and the other year it was .790. Granted, that’s not Carlos Beltran or Andruw Jones, but it’s also not the post 2001 Kenny Lofton, either.

Kotsay’s numbers are worse than Lofton’s right now. But this is when you get speculative. What’s more likely to happen in the second half? Will Lofton continue to hit .280? Will Kotsay continue to hit .240? Neither’s likely. Kotsay will most likely hit at or around .300 (assuming and this is a big assumption, that his back is healed–since he’s leading off again, it makes you think he’s feeling good) and Kenny will hit around .230.

Plus, you’re trading a prospect or two for either of them, though you have no plans for Lofton beyond 2003. Kotsay would make an attractive fourth outfielder next year. He’s a guy who can run, can lead off or hit sixth in the order and can play all three outfield spots. In fact, with Patterson on the DL, Mark would easily be the Cubs best defensive outfielder. Would you rather have Troy O’Leary back next year or Mark Kotsay?

The Padres would want to fold Kotsay and the long rumored Mark Loretta into the same deal and would likely want the aforementioned Mr. Hill and Juan Cruz and another lesser prospect. Where’s the phone? I’ll make that deal.

JJ Beutel e-mailed me last night with some interesting stuff he’d pulled from his Valentine’s Day 162-game forecast for the Cubs. He made some predictions and I refuted a few of those predictions.

JJ SAID IT: Eric Karros will end up with more games started than Hee Seop
Choi.

ANDY SAID IT: (False) Only because Karros can’t play anymore. Bad back, bad
bat. Bad combo.

SO FAR: I can’t find games started stats, but Karros leads in ABs 184-150. Choi – 56 games played, Karros – 65 games played

—————————————————————–

JJ SAID IT: Mark Bellhorn will hit no more than 16 home runs.

ANDY SAID IT: (False) I think he’s good for 20 again, with the provision that the Cubs not trade for Joe Randa or Mike Lowell in Spring Training.

SO FAR: 2 home runs.

—————————————————————–

JJ SAID IT: Alex Gonzalez will play consistently at last, and hit at least .270/20/80.

ANDY SAID IT: (False) The 20 and 80 is probably right, but A-Gonz is a .250 hitter if ever I’ve seen one.

SO FAR: .245/11/33 (on pace for .245/20/61)

——————————————————————

JJ SAID IT: The Cubs’ pitching staff will easily lead the majors in strikeouts, but the bats will “fail” to repeat as the most struck out team.

ANDY SAID IT: (True) Nobody can catch the Brewers.

SO FAR: Pitching: 769 K’s (1st in MLB) Batting: 644 K’s (3rd in MLB).
(CIN 1st, MIL 2nd).

———————————————————————

JJ SAID IT: Mike Remlinger will post an ERA of over 3.00 after last year’s
1.99.

ANDY SAID IT: (True) But reliever’s ERAs are not the best judge of their season. You can have a low ERA and have a bad year if you’re letting in other people’s runs. You can also post a 3.50 or higher ERA and be valuable.

SO FAR: 4.74, 7 HR’s allowed (compared to 3 last year and 9 in 2001).

———————————————————————–

JJ SAID IT: Dusty Baker will push to acquire at least one more current or former Giant before season’s end.

ANDY SAID IT: (True) Hell, he’ll do it before week’s end.

SO FAR: Yes, Matt Williams…etc.

————————————————————————

JJ SAID IT: Kerry Wood will make his first All Star appearance, and will be joined by Sammy Sosa and (gasp) Moises Alou.

YOU SAID IT: (False) Prior, Wood, Sosa.

SO FAR: Prior. Wood.

————————————————————————–

JJ SAID IT: The Cubs will show great improvement, but will fall well short of the two-team race between Houston and St. Louis.

ANDY SAID IT: (False) Jimy and the Genius will make sure the Cubs are at arm’s length all year. But you’re right, they don’t have any finishing kick this year.

SO FAR: STL: 46-43, HOU 46-43, CHI 45-44

As you can see, we were about 50-50 as far as JJ’s picks and my objections. Which either proves that JJ’s a dope (because we already know I am) or that we’re geniuses! You decide.

I’ve been light on the Real World: Paris reviews so far this year, though it hasn’t been for a lack of ammo.

Let’s just run down the cast and give our impressions after six weeks, OK?

Adam: He’s the son of one of the Commodores (not Lionel Richie) and a Stanford grad and he’s annoying as hell. You’d think that a rich, smart kid wouldn’t have nearly this much trouble scoring with the ladies. He did manage to bring home the friend of a girl he had the hots for in high school. She was pretty drunk and the next morning she literally tried to run away from him as he walked her to the train. He’s apparently not rich enough to buy the tapes from that episode and have MTV burn them. You know a night didn’t go well when the woman you had sex with refuses to the sign the waiver and MTV has to blur her face and beep out every mention of her name. Hilarious.

CT: His name is either Chris or Connecticut, I’m not sure where the CT comes from. His role on the show seems to be to serve as the guy with the bad hair and the funny accent who nobody likes. It’s working. He’s managed to piss off both Leah and Christina in the first few weeks and last night took credit for sending 200 tulips to Leah on Valentine’s Day, only to have Leah find out they were in fact, from her friend Christopher from back in Maryland. Oops! By far, the funniest part of that whole ordeal was that when Leah and Christina thought he’d sent Leah flowers that they loved him and kept talking about what a great guy he was. Whatever.

Simon: Gay, Irish, and a non-entity. Those three things should not go together. He got really sick two weeks ago but didn’t die. So that’s something.

Mallory: She’s hot, claims to be a virgin and other than a night when she got drunk and told Ace she wanted to screw him as soon as the cameras went away she’s been pretty boring. She gave up a soccer scholarship to Iowa State to be on the show and I think her absence from campus is what set off Larry Eustachy that night in Columbia.

Leah: She gave up smoking to please Ace and she is (as predicted by me) started to chub out. She’s kind of cute, but you can tell she’s a pain in the ass. Women who are overly demonstrative are just trouble. Trust me on this. She also has an opinion on everything and needs to express it loudly. Run! Don’t look back. Just run!

Christina: She’s from Vegas, she’s a “cocktail waitress” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge and leave the money on the dresser) and she looks like Big Brother’s Julie Chen. None of this is a bad thing. I think, however, that she duped the Real World casting people into thinking she’s 25 though, because she looks older. Not in a bad way. She’s no Albert Pujols, she’s not 35, but she’s 28 if she’s a day.

Ace: He’s a goober from Georgia, he wears a Georgia Southern cap all the time and he spent the first two weeks bitching about how much France sucks, but Ace is the only normal guy in the house. All the women (and Simon) love him and the guys think he’s cool. He also doesn’t give off that typical Real World phoniness like the Chicago guys all had. His biggest gifts to the show so far (as Jake pointed out) he fired up the hot tub on the first day, he brought props (Viking helmet, powder blue tuxedo, etc.) and he makes drinks in a gallon bucket. What’s not to like? Plus, in an upcoming episode, his superhot Georgia girlfriend will visit. Hello!

—

The Osbournes has obviously toned things down this year given the fact that they can’t play up Jack and Kelly’s boozing and doping with Jack going through rehab. So the show is focusing more and more on the real star, Ozzy and the fact that he can’t do anything. He can’t use a can opener, he can’t run the TV, he still falls out of chairs and now he’s being tormented by the voice activated stereo in his BMW. Plus, when the cameras are on Ozzy, we remember how funny he is (the stuff you can understand). He was watching the new puppy trying to hump one of the other dogs last night and at one point the puppy had the other dog’s head between his back legs and Ozzy said, “Oh, he thinks she’s the Monica Lewinsky of the dog world.”

The episode where Ozzy ran the five miles on this birthday is a classic. His personal trainer (who looks like Hershel, the male porn star on “Family Business”) was worth it just to listen to the crap that came out of his mouth. Priceless.

—

After The Osbournes last night Gideon Yago (or whatever his name is) did an exclusive interview with Jack who’s just back from rehab. It was literally Jack bragging about how much dope he used to do. Nice.

It was fun, though, to see how fat Jack’s getting.

—

HBO is airing the second season of Project: Greenlight. Last year, Pete Jones made the horribly sappy movie “Stolen Summer” and he whined about everything for months. This year, they picked a separate screenwriter and director (actually directors). They’re still whining, only now there are three of them. This whole process is fascinating and hilarious and seriously points out that morons make movies every day in Hollywood. The best moments so far have been when Chris Moore broke a chair during a meeting (just crumpled underneath him) and the fact that Jeff Balis is back for a second year. Jeff was the hapless clown-haired production assistant last year who screwed things up left and right. So far, this year, he’s the smartest guy on the movie. That ought to show you something.

This year’s movie is called “The Battle of Shaker Heights” and we know nothing about what it’s about. Though you can read the script if you want to.

The director winners are two ambiguously gay guys from Maine named Kyle and Efram and they do really cool stuff, but they’re morons. They threatened to quit the movie last week if Miramax insisted on getting Jane Kaczmarek (Malcom in the Middle’s mom) instead of Kathleen Quinlan. They wanted Kathleen Quinlan? Why, because they love that cheesy Tony Danza lawyer show on CBS so much?

You do get the idea though, that unlike last year when it was so clear that Pete was so completely talentless, that Kyle and Efram will actually get a career out of this. I don’t know what’s sadder? That Pete was that bad or that Hollywood is this predictably medicore.

But then look at who the creators of this show are Matt Damon (talented–to some degree) and Ben Affleck (oh, my God, so not talented.) But, the guys did get to meet J-Lo, so that’s something. Though, both of them looked like they were more thrilled to meet Ben. Guh.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette thinks that a minor league trade between the Pirates and Blue Jays is setting up a Kenny Lofton trade to the Cubs. Noooooo!

The creepy Sam Ross, Jr. says the Pirates should trade Lofton to the Cubs. Oh, shut up. Who asked you?

Apparently the Royals want a lot for Carlos Beltran. And really, why shouldn’t they?

Mike Kiley thinks Kotsay’s a possibility.

The Marlins, horribly lacking depth at overpaid, overrated closer are talking to the Mets about Armando Benitez.

Rosey’s mad at the world.

Sox Fever: Catch it and…wait, no, it’s already come and gone.

Sammy says something funny at the end of this. No, actually funny.

Rick Morrissey’s a dope.

Desmond Clark, superstar. Whatever. If he catches like our other Dez, let’s throw him back.

Most definitely, Scottie Pippen would like to be a Bull. Most definitely.

The Bears seem to be willing to use a third or fourth round pick in next year’s draft to take Georgia running back (and South Carolina senator) Fritz Hollings. Isn’t he a little old?

I just didn’t have the energy: I have no idea what Mariotti puts the doughnut down to bludgeon to death today. Something about Dusty, I think.

Bill Duffy: NBA agent of the year! Is he El Pulpo’s agent, too?

The Wizard of Roz catches up with Atlee Hammaker.

Gary Payton is headed to the Lakers. Yeah, like we needed this.

The dumbest man in the NBA is right behind him. No, not Marc Stein. Although…

What’s more surprising, that a fan threw a cherry bomb at a ballgame or that it didn’t happen in old-new Comiskey?

Kobe’s accuser is a Colorado teenager. Hey, Jon Benet Ramsey would have been 13 this year! Is it her?

Tom Verducci with a tepid effort here at his midseason awards.

Don Banks with 10 things to watch for in the NFL this year. I’m just watching for two things, a career ending injury to Brett Favre and a press conference to announce that Wanny’s been canned again. Then, I’ll be happy.

Britney’s not a virgin. Heck I could have told you that. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

We’re still not getting rid of the Osbournes.

Blair Underwood? Yeah, Sex In The City is really cutting edge, isn’t it? Oh, just make it go away.

Stephen Hawking likes a good titty bar.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

I don’t get it. Kid Rock and Pam Anderson AND Alyssa Milano?

America’s finest news source with some reviews of stuff.