There are probably two things that will really point out to you just how terrible your baseball franchise is.  First, if you are the go-to team when guys want to start a franchise in their baseball video games, that’s bad.  Because most guys want to take a terrible team and “fix it.”  It means you’ve screwed it up to the point where a 12-year old (or a 36-year old, just go with it here) will spend two hours on a Saturday trying to solve the horrendous roster problems you’ve created, and feel genuine satisfaction when he’s done.

Second, if people forget you are not an expansion team.  That’s pretty bad.

The Washington Nationals are not an expansion team.  Well, they were once…40 years ago, but just because they got a new name and new uniforms a few years ago, they didn’t start from scratch.  They used to be the Montreal Expos.  The Expos were once a top notch organization that had Hall of Fame caliber players like Andre Dawson, Gary Carter and Tim Raines.  They even had Warren Cromartie for chrissakes!

As recently as 1994 they had maybe the best team in the National League, and even when their owners stopped spending money and just wanted out, they still had a crapload of good young prospects.

Now?

Now is not so good for this franchise.

They have a fancy new ballpark, but not a lot of fans.  They have a terrible baseball team.  They just fired their creepy general manager for his role in a scheme where he and some of his cronies would inflate the signing bonuses of players coming out of Latin American and skim off some cash for themselves.  They also have a roster that includes 21 toolsy outfielders, a pitcher, a catcher, the batboy and somebody’s dog.

For a reason unapparent even to me, I was just looking at their list of non-roster invitees to spring training this year.  Now, granted, no team, even the good ones has an “impressive” list of non-roster invitees, but even by the tepid standards of acceptability for such rosters, the Nats’ is a doozy.

Look at the Cubs, for example.  They’re one of (should be THE) best teams in the National League.  They have the talented Chad Fox, Luis Rivas, Corey Koskie and Doug Deeds on their NRI list.

But the Nats list is so strange, it spawned the hottest home-entertainment sensation of the new century.  It’s a versatile game, one you can play with your kids, or add alcohol and play with your kids’ babysitter when you get home late at night and your wife has passed out in the hallway again.

The game is DEAD or NATIONAL.

It’s easy, and anyone can play it.  All you need is a list of dead baseball players and a list of Nationals’ non-roster invitees.  Write names from each list on little slips of paper, put them in a hat (or the babysitter’s sweater if she’s game) and pull them out one at a time, read the name and the other person has to guess…

DEAD or NATIONAL?

And yes, it is possible, given the scouting acumen of the Nats, that the answer can be BOTH.

Let’s try a few.

Justin Jones – Remember this guy?  He’s the player the Twins got in the trade that sent Nomar from the Red Sox to the Cubs and Doug Eyechart to the Red Sox.  He is apparently not dead, and he’s in Nationals camp.  A sure-fire prospect at the time, he has yet to pitch in the big leagues.

Bo Diaz – Hah!  This is an easy one.  Dead.  Squished when was crushed by a satellite dish in his native country of Venezuela.  Or at least that’s what Hugo wants you to think.

Jeremi Gonzalez – The former Cub and Red Sock and Devil Ray was killed when lightning struck him on a beach in Venezuela…or at least that’s what Hugo wants you to think.

Freddie Bynum – Old chicklets teeth was killed just weeks ago when…nah, he’s still alive.  He still sucks, too, and he’s in Nationals camp.

Corey Patterson – When even Dusty Baker gave up on him last year his career, if not more, looked dead on arrival, but Corey’s in Nats camp and he fits right into their assortment of athletically gifted, and baseball shitty, outfielders.

Mike Sharperson – In 1990, Sharperson made the National League All-Star because the once proud Dodgers were so void of talent that he was the guy Roger Craig got stuck having to pick to represent them.  He signed with the Cubs in 1995 and died in 1996 in a car accident when he was reportedly just a couple of days away from recalled to the majors by the Padres.

Bobby Brownlie – One of a sucession of great first round draft picks by the Cubs, Brownlie’s stock dropped from sure-fire top five pick to probable third rounder when the Cubs took him 21st overall.  Why did his stock drop?  Because he hurt his arm.  Well, then, he’s perfect!  He’s not dead, he’s in Nationals camp (same difference.)

Gene Oliver – Who?  Hey, nobody said this would be easy.  This former Cubs catcher caught a grand total of 31 games for the team during his 10 year big league career, but 23 of them came during the 1969 season and he turned that into 25 years of working as the “social director” for the Randy Hundley Fantasy Camps, and at least 15 years of hitting on old broads in Kitty O’Sheas during Cubs Conventions.  Gene passed away in Rock Island, Illinois shortly after the 2007 Convention.

Alex Cintron – Cubs fans will remember Cintron for two reasons.  He was beaten out by Mike Fontenot for the last spot on their bench last season, and for a tremendous incident in the 2002 NL Playoffs when all 160 pounds of him collided with gigantic Scott Rolen, and knocked Rolen out for the rest of the series.  The collision did not kill Cintron, at least not yet.  He’s battling for a utility infield spot again this year.

Wil Nieves – This scrub catcher hit only one homer in 2008 and it just happened to be a two-run shot in the bottom of the ninth in a 5-3 walkoff win over Bobby Howry and the Cubs.  The only thing that died during that game was Howry’s days as an effective big league reliever.  Nieves blows, but the Nats have him on their 40 man roster.

Pete Orr – Born in Richmond Hills, Ontario with the last name Orr, Pete was legally required to wear number four in homage to all-time hockey legend Bobby Orr.  In fact, Pete wore the number for the Canadian team in the World Baseball Classic and wore it during his big league stints with the Atlanta Braves (the Braves had to ask Jeff Blauser if it was OK to un-retire it).  But he’s not wearing it in Nationals camp this summer.  Know why?  Because Corey Patterson is wearing it.  Corey, the Canadians take this kind of stuff seriously, if you don’t want to be beaten to death with a case of Molson, you might want to give Pete his number.

Kevin Foster – Given the state of pitching in the Nats system right now, Foster has a good chance to be as good as anybody in their bullpen.  Even though he died of renal cancer in October of last year.  Foster was a great story.  Born in Evanston, his dad drove a bus in that city for many years.  He made it to the big leagues with the Phillies before being traded to his beloved Cubs in 1994 for the great Shawn Boskie.  Foster went 32-28 in parts of four seasons with the Cubs before injuring his arm in early 1998.  He made it back to the big leagues for nine games in 2001 with the Texas Rangers.

Kip Wells – Drafted in the first round by the White Sox in 1998, Wells, because he was from Texas was immediately anointed by dimwits like Phil Rogers to be the next Kerry Wood.  Panic set in among the Sox fan base when Wells was traded with Josh Fogg and Sean Lowe to the Pirates in 2001 for Todd Ritchie.  It was a trade that hurt both teams as Ritchie sucked and neither Wells or Fogg ever quite was as good as anybody thought they might be.  Nobody thought Lowe was ever any good.  Wells went 8-18 for the Pirates in 2005, but that didn’t stop Rogers from getting excited when the Cardinals signed him for the 2007 season.  Convinced that Dave Duncan would work wonders with Wells, Phil made Kip a darkhorse pick to win the Cy Young.  Wells went 7-17 in his only season in St. Louis.  He finished 437th in voting for NL Cy Young that year.  Right behind Jock Jones.  Kip missed a huge hunk of last season with a mysterious blood clot problem, but he did not die, and he’s trying to make it back to the big leagues with the Nationals.  You know, if you define them as “big league.”

How’d you do?  Hey, it’s not easy.  Some of the dead guys are still more useful than the Nationals.