OK, this isn’t really Live since I’m not posting it until after the fact, but I sat through three hours of World Baseball Classic semifinal so you wouldn’t have to.  It’s the US at Japan in Dodger Stadium, the winner will play Korea on Monday night in the championship game, the loser gets to go back to spring training!  Oh, fun.

Here’s a neat note, if the Americans lose they’ll have gone 4-4 in the WBC this year.  The best .500 team money can buy, you know, this side of the Yankees.

The big news heading into this one is that US manager Dave Johnson crawled out from under a Scotch and soda long enough to decide to start Roy Oswalt instead of Jake Peavy.  Jake’s been…uh…well…terrible in the WBC so far.  Roy hasn’t been.  But given the fact that most of the Japanese hitters are lefties, why not start Ted Lilly?

I’m not even really kidding.  The only pitches the Japanese hitters can handle are breaking balls on the outer half, they just slap them to left field, like Kosuke used to before June hit and the wheels fell off.

Speaking of Kosuke, he’s playing center and batting sixth.  Yes, sixth.  Oh, I’ll be he just can’t wait to get to Mesa.

The lineups:

Team USA

Brian Roberts, 2b
Derek Jeter, ss
Jimmy Rollins, dh (we’ll get to this nonsense in a second)
David Wright, 3b
Adam Dunn, rf
Ryan Braun, lf
Brian McCann, c
Mark DeRosa, 1b
Curtis Granderson, cf

Team Japan
Ichiro, rf
Hiroyuki Nakajima, ss
Norichika Aoki, lf
Atsunori Inaba, dh
Michihiro Ogasawara, 1b
Kosuke Fukudome, cf
Kenji Johjima, c
Akinori Iwamura, 2b
Munenori Kawasaki, 3b

Three things really stand out about these lineups.  The American one is ridiculous.  Davey had about five different combinations he could have used for his shortstop-DH-rightfield-centerfield and he picked the absolute worst one.  First, Jimmy Rollins is a much better defensive shortstop than Jeter is.  There’s no reason to have Rollins as the DH.  He might well be the best defensive player on the entire team.  Second, how can you play Adam Dunn in right field in Dodger Stadium?  Is he going to play it while driving a Cushman?  Third, why is Curtis Granderson playing?  I don’t even like Shane Victorino and I’m confused by this.

Second, how in the hell does it come down to Mark DeRosa being the best available option to play first base for Team USA?  I know they begged Derrek Lee to play, but he hurt his quad early in the week (and was limping around the bases today), so I can only imagine that Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, Mark Teixiera, James Loney, Conor Jackson, and Micah Hoffpauir all turned them down.  I’m only half kidding about Hoffpauir.  Is he even American?  He’s Mongolian, right?  Or just mongoloid?  But seriously, they couldn’t find one guy with more than like 20 games at first base to fly to LA for two damn days?

Third, there are four Japanese position players who play in the big leagues and they are batting them first, sixth, seventh and eighth.  Either they are trying to pretend their best players are still in Japan, or as we suspected, other than Ichiro, they just send crap to the States.

The Japanese have been doing calisthenics since noon, so by 5 p.m. LA time they are ready to go, or ready to build a Corolla, I’m not sure.  It’s like two more hours before they’re ready to try to assemble a Camry, though.

We get our first glimpse of the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball crew of Jon Miller, Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips.  My mind is already hurting.  And Jon is dressed like a canary.  A 340 pound canary.

They’re showing Oswalt warming up in the visiting bullpen in Dodger Stadium and there’s so much vegetation growing on the wall behind him that it looks like he’s warming up in a Rainforest Cafe.

The best moment of the pregame, as Jon wraps things up, Joe turns his back to the camera.  Seriously.  He’s only been doing this for 22 years.

Top of the first

Jon and Steve are gazing with wonderment at Daisuke Matsuzaka’s career stats in the WBC.  They are impressive he’s 5-0 with a sub 2.00 ERA.  But they’d be more impressive if he ever faced anybody other than Korea and Chinese Taipei.  Brian Roberts is so impressed he homers on the second pitch of the game.

With one out Jimmy Rollins hits a flyball to center.  Proving he’s as ready as the Cubs, Kosuke plays it into a single.

With Rollins on first, Joe says you can “always run on Dice-K.”  Always?  This kind of blanket horseshit reminds me that in yesterday’s Cubs drubbing of the Sox, Steve Stone got all giddy when Mark Buerhle struck out Alfonso Soriano to start the game.  Steve said, similarly, you can “always strike out Soriano by just getting ahead and throwing him a slider in the dirt.”  Soriano batted three more times in the game.  Twice more against Buehrle.  He homered, had an RBI single and a walk.  Shove that always up your ass, Steve.

Joe confidently predicts the US will win the World Baseball Classic.  I think he meant this year, it seemed like it anyway.

Adam Dunn is up and Jon sets up that lame straw man argument about how “experts” don’t like that Dunn walks so often with runners in scoring position.  As if it’s ever a bad thing to have another baserunner.  Joe jumps right in and says that Dunn should swing at balls.  Then he says Ted Williams never did.  My head hurts so badly right now.

Bottom of the first, US 1, Japan 0

Why does Japan have the entire word on their hats?  Why is it written in English?  How many of them even know what it says on their uniforms?

DeRosa says this is the first game he’s ever started at first base.  Once again, nice roster, USA.  He says the first baseman’s glove he’s using was FedExed to him by his new teammate Ryan Garko.  Shit, Garko should have FedExed himself.

Bottom of the second, US 1, Japan 0

Turns out DeRosa’s a liar.  ESPN reports that he started a game at first for the Cubs in 2007.

Coming back from commercial they showed two guys dressed in Samurai outfits and one yelled, “Rets go Japan!” right at the camera.  Somewhere, John Murray is having a t-shirt made.

Pedro Gomez is in the US dugout interviewing Jake Peavy about why Jake isn’t starting since this is his regular turn.  Jake spews some bullshit about how many extra side sessions he got to throw and how he’ll pitch tomorrow against Korea.  Why doesn’t he just tell the truth?  He’s pitched like crap in every big game he’s ever started.  He’s been terrible in the WBC so far, he got lit up in the 2007 play in game in Colorado, his postseason ERA is 12.10 in two starts.  (That’s 19 hits and 13 earned runs in 10 innings…woof.)  How about that’s why he’s not pitching?

Kosuke’s up with runners at first and third and nobody out.  Big moment here.  He hits a flyball to left that’s too shallow to score Usain Bolt from third.

Johjima flies to short right and Adam Dunn does an atrocious job of getting behind the ball, he doesn’t even bother to throw home and the run scores.  1-1.

Top of the third, US 1, Japan 1

With two outs Jimmy Rollins singles to right center.  Steve Phillips says that Jimmy’s such a team guy now that he’d trade in his 2007 MVP for a World Series.  Uh…what?  Why?  He’s got both, Steve.  Jimmy steals second on the first pitch.  Johjima’s throw nearly made it past the mound on the fly.

Jon tells us that in pregame the Japanese coaches hit fungo pop-ups to the infielders (it’s really windy in LA tonight) and no player could leave the field until he caught three.  It’s a good thing Frank Thomas isn’t Japanese the game would still be delayed.

With Rollins on second, Wright takes a 2-2 pitch that is clearly strike three, but not called.  He lines the next pitch over Kosuke (who is playing the OF like Jock Jones right now) and it’s 2-1 US.

Dunn walks with a runner in scoring position (none of the three say a word, it’s like they forgot their conversation from about 20 minutes ago).  Ryan Braun is up with a chance to break the game open early.  Joe starts babbling about how Dice-K struggles against American hitters because he “admires” them too much.  He must not know Braun is American because he doesn’t admire him, he strikes him out.

Bottom of the third, US 2, Japan 1

Ichiro bounces one off of Wright at third, and Wright’s throw to DeRosa is high.  It’s a single and an error and Ichiro is on second.

Steve Phillips wonders if Ichiro, who current has 1805 hits can get to 3,000.  This prompts Joe to explain that Ichiro gets infield hits and Pete Rose never did.  This is clearly a defense of Pete Rose for no known reason.  Steve is stunned.  The conversation ends.

Top of the fourth, US 2, Japan 1

Steve is excited that even with the error last inning, Oswalt only threw seven pitches.  Dice-K starts the fourth with 65 pitches already, he can only throw 100.

On a replay of the Wright error, Joe blames DeRosa for having his wrong foot on the bag.  Joe claims DeRosa should have had his left foot on the bag.  This makes no sense.  DeRosa is right handed so his glove is on his left hand.  How is he supposed to stretch for a ball with his left foot on the base?  Try it.  It makes no sense.

Bottom of the fourth, US 2, Japan 1

Inaba and Ogasawara hammer singles to start the inning.  Oswalt looks gassed.  Just his luck, Kosuke is up!

But Kosuke rips a ball past Roberts at second tying the game.  Roberts tried to play it the side to start a double play but missed it entirely, and they give him an error.  That seems a little harsh.

Johjima files to right again, and again Dunn’s awful footwork and sissy arm mean no play at home it’s 3-2 Japan.  Adam Dunn is a terrible outfielder.  I mean, absolutely godawful.

Iwamura hits what should be a single, and probably could have been a double to right center, but Dunn waves at it and it’s a triple.  Kosuke could have crawled home.  4-2.

Phillips points out that Dunn should be playing left field (no, he should be DH’ing) because he’s such a poor outfielder that misplays like that in right are triples, when they are only doubles in left.  Phillips also points out that the US is already playing a poor outfielder in left (Ryan Braun) so they’re kind of screwed.

Apparently no one is up in the bullpen yet, though Oswalt has been toast for like five minutes.

Kawasaki singles and it’s 5-2.  This is just horrific managing.  Isn’t Davey drunk enough to make a move yet?

Finally, the bullpen phone rings and the great John Grabow gets up.  Yup, THE John Grabow.  Yes, indeed, the US team is loaded.

Ichiro grounds to third, but Kawasaki was running so the only play is at first.  Two out, runner at second.

At this point I just want Oswalt to pitch until his right elbow falls off onto the rubber.

Nakajima doubles and it’s 6-2.  Where the hell is Ted Lilly when you need him?

Mercifully it ends.  Oswalt is out, he’s got a fine line, just this inning of 2/3 of an IP, 5 runs, 4 earned, five hits.  Nice.  Was there a hurricane in your hotel last night?  Did you have to carry your bags down 12 flights of stairs in the dark?  Maybe Cecil will write you a note.

Top of the fifth, Japan 6, US 2

Jeter singles, and Rollins goes from an 0-2 count to a walk.  He’s a prick, but damn, Jimmy Rollins is gooood.

Jon asks if the Red Sox should be concerned that even though it’s still spring training that Dice-K is going to throw 100 pitches.  Joe says no because Dice-K is in shape, he’s just tired.  What?  Huh?

Joe also says Dice-K gets better when he’s in trouble.  He forces Wright to “admire” a called strike three.  Two out.

Dice-K is done with 98 pitches.  Good, the US can feast on the Japanese bullpen.  Right?  Except their WBC ERA is 1.20.  Oops.

Japan is bringing in a reliever named Sugiyugi and it’s pronounced Shuggy-yuggy.  Jon clearly loves this.  He just keeps saying his name.

I see that Showtime West is showing Manhunter with William Petersen, Dennis Farina and Brian Cox (not the ex-Bears linebacker).  I may ditch the WBC right now.

Apparently his full name is Toshiya Sugiyugi and he has not allowed an earned run in the WBC.  From his motion he looks like the Japanese Felix Heredia to me.  They say he’s pitched seven years in the Japanese Major Leagues but he looks like he’s 12 years old.  This is opposed to Osagawa who looks like he’s in his 70s.  Seriously, he looks like the host on the Seinfeld where they’re waiting for a table in the Chinese restaurant who keeps yelling, “Cartwright!”

Dunn takes Shuggy-yuggy to a 3-1 count and suddenly Joe is on board with his patience.  It doesn’t pan out.  The US strands two, and Dunn strikes out.

The Japanese team does not appear to have a single player with a single facial hair follicle, and yet they are all trying to grow sideburns.  It gives all of them haircuts that look like something 50 year old American white women have.  It’s scary.

In that inning Joe started to try to say Shuggy-yuggy then paused for a good ten seconds to avoid it.  Right, you’re only an announcer why should have to learn to pronounce their names?

In the bottom of the fifth he finally tries and says Soo-chi.  Nice effort, jackass.

With two out, Grabow faces Kosuke, and good news!  Kosuke’s helicopter swing is back!  He strikes out on three pitches.  Guh.  He sucks, doesn’t he?

I have lost track of the inning because I’m getting back late while watching Manhunter during the commercials.  I just saw the scene where the Red Dragon lights the Tattler reporter on fire and sends him through the parking garage in a wheel chair.  Damn, this is a great movie.

With one out, McCann walks and DeRosa blasts one to left field, but the wind knocks it down and it’s an easy out.  This is so Cub.  You can take the boy out of the Cubs uniform, but you can’t take the Cub out of the boy.  Steve relates a story that in BP, Jeter stood behind the cage yelling at guys for pulling flyballs to left saying “That’s a wasted swing tonight, go to right!”

Phillips says the Cubs are really going to miss DeRosa’s “grit.”  I throw up on myself.

Seriously, how is it that in this entire movie, Petersen looks like he just took a floppy hat off?  What is with that hair?

I think it’s the bottom of the sixth, and Johjima is up with nobody on so he can’t just hit a short flyball to Dunn and get an RBI again.  This time he hits a humpback liner to left and Braun is playing so deep it’s a single.  If Braun were playing any deeper he’d be in the bullpen.

Is now a good time to point out that the great Ryan Braun had a lower batting average and on base average than Alfonso Soriano did last year?  He’s actually worse in the outfield, too.  Never mind.

The announcing crew has given up announcing the game and now Jon is wondering how he could get a Japanese batting helmet.  Is that a euphemism?  Is a Japanese batting helmet like a donkey punch?  Joe says Sadaharu Oh would give him one, but not Jon.  I’m so confused.

Top of seventh, Japan 6, US 2

Wait, the blind woman is Joan Allen?  I’ve seen this movie like ten times and I didn’t remember that!  That’s NIU alum, Joan Allen to you, and Oscar nominee, to boot.

Steve has a trivia question for Jon and Joe.  What player batted behind both Hank Aaron and Sadaharu Oh.  I always thought the answer to every Hank Aaron trivia question was Dusty Baker.  It’s apparently Davey Johnson.

Joe says he’s no good at trivia.  Add it to the long list of stuff you suck at, Joe.

With two outs, Rollins triples.  It’s like he’s playing alone now.

Joe has now given up on the US and says they will “never” win the WBC (remember two hours ago he confidently predicted they’d win this one) because “every other team brings their best pitchers.”  You know, like one of the other semifinalists, Venezuela who didn’t have Carlos Zambrano or Johan Santana.

Steve says that with a man on third you have to TRY to capitalize.  Yes, you have to try.  How novel!

Wright strikes out.  But he tried.

Bottom of seventh, Japan 6, US 2

White Sock Matt Thornton is in to pitch and I expect for Joe to talk about how the 2008 White Sox bullpen was the best one ever.  Even if it ranked eighth in the AL.

Top of eighth, Japan 6, US 2

Seriously, Joe just now realized who Thornton was and says he has pitched better than any other pitcher in the tournament so far.  I’m not making this up.

And two hours later, Joe FINALLY wonders why Johnson let Oswalt give up five runs in the fourth before he took him out.  Apparently before the game Davey told the announcers that he loved the way lefty pitchers matched up with the Japanese lineup, and yet he let the righty, Oswalt, get lit up.  Why not go to the pen earlier or start Lilly?

You know like I said…then.

Phillips says that the US team should pick eight starting players and a DH and use “utility guys” on the bench.  If a starter gets hurt you go get another big league regular, but you don’t have to shuffle your lineup around game to game just to get guys playing time.

My idea is to change the starting pitchers every round so they can get normal work at their own spring trainings in the rounds they aren’t pitching.  But I was never a big league GM who gave Mo Vaughn $400 billion dollars.  What do I know?

Jon thinks Davey left Owalt in to get his “work.”  If that’s true, fuck Davey Johnson.  The WBC ends tomorrow, how much more work did he really get?

While the guys were pissing and moaning about how awful the US has been in the game, a funny thing is happening on the field.  They are rallying.  There are two on and one out and DeRosa is up.  Just like the real Sunday Night Baseball, they are talking about everything but what’s happening.

DeRosa pulls another one, but this time on the ground it gets past the third baseman and into the corner, it easily scores Braun and when Aoki kicks it Manny Ramirez style, McCann scores, DeRosa to third.  It’s 6-4 and the fifth run is only 90 feet away with one out.

Shane Victorino has been getting ready to bat, but now Evan Longoria is going to hit instead.  This is puzzling and even Joe is confused.  Why pinch hit a righty against a righty pitcher?  Why not stick with Victorino who will have to play center next inning anyway, or wait, why not just let Granderson hit (other than Granderson isn’t that good)?

Longoria hits, well relatively speaking.  He strikes out.  Roberts grounds back to the pitcher.  Oops.  Victorino is coming in to play center.  Not Davey’s best moment.

Bottom of the eighth, Japan 6, US 4

Joe is now convinced that Longoria batted because he flew all the way from Tampa for this game (he replaced Chipper Jones on the roster) and Davey just wanted him to get an at bat.  I find that hard to believe.  I think Dave thought Longoria was a) a good hitter and b) would at least hit a sac fly.  He didn’t.

That pederast (Joel) Hanrahan is in to pitch and he really needs to hold the Japanese team right here.

Steve can’t understand why Johnson wouldn’t bring in a lefty, but the only one he has left is Lilly.  If he used Lilly now, Lou would be at Davey’s hotel room in a few hours to strangle him with a bed sheet.

Hanrahan walks the leadoff guy (nice job, dumbass).

Johjima bunts him to second.  One out.

Iwamura grounds to second and the runner goes to third.  Two out.

The USA really needs an out here.

Kawasaki hits one to Jeter who inexplicably hurries and throws flat footed, it brings DeRosa off the bag and scores a run.  It’s an error on Jeter.  Why the hell is Jeter playing defense anyway?  Guh.

Kawasaki steals second…easily.  I mean he could have done the backstroke the last twenty feet and still been safe.

Then we get another hit in front of Dunn.  This one would have been caught by most 12 year olds.  That guy gets to nothing.  This is how you hit 40 homers three years in a row and get no free agent offers for four months.  Holy crap.  He’s truly awful.  Maybe the worst defensive outfielder I’ve ever seen.

Holy shit, it just got worse.  Another blooper in front of Dunn and for no reason he stops chasing it, it rolls past him and dies in the grass.  Seriously he was like two more strides from cutting it off and holding the guy to a single, but he stopped running and it’s a triple!  It’s 9-4!  Nine to four!

Really, they should call timeout, and escort Adam off the field.  He’s done enough.

Bottom of the ninth, Japan 9, USA 4

Japan brings its best player in, Yu Darvish to pitch the ninth.  Why not just save him for tomorrow in the championship game against Korea?  I’m not sure.

Joe has one final gem for us.  This is a keeper.

“I find it really interesting that Jimmy Rollins wasn’t asked to be on the team last time.”  OK, mind you the last WBC was in 2006, this is important.

“He went out and won the MVP award.”  Jimmy won that award in 2007.  A full year after the WBC.

“Then they ask him to play this time?  Like he wasn’t good enough last time?  They didn’t pick him and he wins the MVP and now he’s good enough?”  Uh…yes?  Exactly.

“But Jimmy was a ‘bigger man’ than that and he said yes and he’s playing now.”  What?  Holy?  Seriously, we have six more months of this?  I won’t make it.

Jeter grounds to short.  The 2007 MVP singles (he was 4-4 with a walk and if he’d been playing short it would be 6-4 right now).

David Wright strikes out.

Adam Dunn completes his night of brilliance by striking out looking to end it.

The US team finishes the event 4-4.  Wow.

I really do like the WBC.  There are some things that need to be fixed.  It needs to be much shorter.  The number of games is fine, but it took the US like 22 days to play eight games.  That’s insane.  Play the whole thing out over two weeks.  Other than that, the biggest flaw seems to be that the US hasn’t won it.  We don’t like things we don’t win.

Tomorrow night it’s Japan v. Korea!  The FIFTH time they will have played in this event.

Oh, another thing that needs to be fixed…