Quite a day for Major League Baseball, eh?

They held an All-Star Workout day in the shadows of the Chicago projects, they had the most boring home run derby of all time, the starting second baseman for the American League ripped the commissioner for being a lying phony and one of the American League pitchers found out during a press conference that he was off the team so that a “legend” that nobody likes could make a swan song appearance, though nobody cares if he pitches or not.

Ain’t baseball grand?

I suppose if you are a Cardinals fan the atmosphere in the trailer park was absolutely buzzing with both Albert Pujols and Jim Edmonds in the semi-finals of the home run derby. That’s nice for them. It’s always nice to see the good people of Cardinal nation enjoying baseball in July, because we all know that August brings 170 degree temperatures in their part of Hell, and the Mississippi River will invade their homes all month, too. What part of living on a “flood plain” do those people not understand?

I think that we all can agree that when Garrett Anderson is your home run champ, well…can’t we just pretend it never happened?

Only baseball could do this, though. Barry Zito was enjoying a nice, leisurely impromptu press conference (after leaving his OFFICIAL presser, moments before) when a reporter informed him that he was off the All-Star team, because he threw 106 pitches on Saturday, and that he was being replaced by Roger Clemens. Zito nearly passed out. He objected, saying that he knew he could go “at least” an inning on Tuesday night. But Interim Commissioner for Life Bud Selig wanted Roger in the game, and this was his way of cramming him onto the roster. The official party line is that the A’s didn’t want Zito to risk injury by pitching on Tuesday night and they “asked” to have Barry removed. Sure. We believe this, don’t we? I know I do. Now where’d I put that darn crack pipe?

Now the question remains, does Zito get his $25,000 All-Star Game bonus, or did the A’s just save themselves that cash? Hmm.

This just proves that Selig doesn’t get it. Nobody cares if Roger Clemens pitches tonight. Nobody likes him. Hell, even Yankees fans don’t know what to think of him. Blecch.

A reporter stuck a microphone in Bret Boone’s face and Bret went off on what a tool Selig is. He said all the things we say all the time. He’s not just an owner’s lackey (like every other commissioner has been), he’s an OWNER himself! I don’t care what the paperwork says, he owns the Brewers. Boone called the idea of playing the All-Star Game for home field advantage in the World Series a joke, and Selig felt compelled to respond. (Bad idea, Bud. Way to make sure the story doesn’t go away.) He said that people (Boone) shouldn’t comment on things they don’t know anything about.

Hey, Bud, if I limited my comments to things I know about, this would be a pretty short column every day. Hey, was that out loud?

The Dodgers pulled the trigger on a deal with the Mets and Jeromy Burnitz will be playing centerfield for them. If this means that Kenny Lofton becomes a Cub by default I’m going to go stick my hand in a blender and pray that I bleed to death. Look, Burnitz is not exactly Willie Mays (he’s not even Willie Mays Aikens — though he is better than the Omar Epps version of Willie Mays Hayes, if not the Wesley Snipes edition — man this is a long parenthetical tangent isn’t it? What else can we muse about before we get back to this ridiculously convoluted Jeromy Burnitz comment? I mean who cares, he’s Jeromy Burnitz, his goal is to strike out 100 times for every major league team. OK, back to the original thought…) but he beats the hell out of anything the Cubs can trot out there.

Honestly, I’d rather see Dave Kelton in center field than Kenny Lofton. I’m not even kidding. How sad is this?

Don’t you think that Jim Hendry botched the trade by trying to figure out how to dump El Pulpo on somebody? He likely became obsessed with the idea of holding a piece of paper in his hand that made any trade that rids the Cubs of El Pulpo. In fact, last night at old-new Comiskey he was seen running up and down the concourses holding a piece of paper that said “Cubs trade Antonio Alfonseca to (blank) for a bag of dirty baseballs” screaming, “Precious! My precious!”

Tomorrow we’ll take a look not only at tonight’s game (which we’ll bash mercilessly, because…it’s what we do) but at what’s left for the Cubs to try and do to salvage a season that’s circling the drain as we speak.

I’d also like to thank Dan Evans for signing Rickey Henderson. I called Rickey on his cellphone last night to congratulate him on his return to the big leagues and Rickey said this.

“Rickey’s glad to be back in the big leagues. It’s nice here in New York (Newark, New Jersey actually) but Rickey needs to be in the big leagues. The Dodgers are a great team (actually, they’re basically the Cubs, so not so much) and Rickey can help them. Rickey almost signed with the Dodgers out of high school, but Branch Rickey and Rickey couldn’t work out a deal. Rickey’s going to play left field, leadoff steal some bases and be Rickey.”

I’m tired just thinking about it.

David Huh drew bleacher duty for the home run derby. And I think any of us who’ve ever been to old-new Comiskey have stepped in some bleacher doodie. Haven’t we?

Phil Rogers says that Barry Zito gets to keep his bonus. But it’s Phil Rogers and he’s a complete moron, so who knows. He actually thinks that baseball messed with the vote totals because Sammy didn’t want to go to the game. That’s so dumb, on so many levels.

I think John Smoltz’s beard is creepy. It has always been creepy. Yick.

Paul Sullivan breathes deeply and recaps the Cubs first half. It was so good for so long. Now it’s just, “So long.”

The Sox are done. Put a fork in them. Buh-bye.

Jerry Manuel is done. Put a fork in him. Buh-bye.

Rick Morrissey could use an original thought. Hey, remember what a good college football writer he used to be? Yeah, that was cool.

Johnny Bach is back with the Bulls. He’s one of the coolest guys ever. He’s also SEVENTY-SEVEN years old! That’s not a bad thing. What is bad is that if the Bulls sign Horace Grant, Johnny will actually be closer to his prime than Horace is.

OK, which one of you is in charge of Johnny’s pudding?

What was your favorite moment of the Henry Burris era? Mine was the time he fell down against the Bucs, got up and threw an interception. It was like, “Hey, this is bad, I’m on the ground. I think I’ll get up and make it worse!”

John Jackson says that Fox is going to treat tonight’s All-Star Game like it’s a post-season game. What, they’re going to broadcast it from Yankee Stadium? Huh? What? Hey, somebody get Johnny Bach some more pudding!

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to show off for all of the visiting media who are in town to cover the game and who will be reading today’s paper. This column is perfect in that like the rest of Jay’s work it’s pointless, it sucks and it makes no sense.

Mike Kiley makes it sound like Kerry Wood and Mark Prior spent yesterday afternoon on a blanket in centerfield braiding each other’s hair.

There are some things the The Wizard of Roz and I have in common. We both have columns today with headlines that are ludicrously long, we both think Chris Berman is a gas bag and we both hate the Anti-Christ. So we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

Players love Dusty. This is a good thing. It cracked me up yesterday that every time Dusty said the name of his starting pitcher he pronounced it wrong. The pitcher, is obviously, Jason Schmidt. Dusty called him Jason Smit. Maybe he thought he was starting Rik Smits? The best part? Jason pitched for him for two-plus seasons in San Francisco.

Mike Price is suing everybody. I think it’s obvious that he’ll be suing Viagra next.

Take a long look at the photo of the Shaved Possum on this page. Now, think about what you’d like to have for lunch. You can’t do it, can you?

Pudding’s always an option though.

Oh, Chad? Can you bring Coach Bach his pudding?

Stewey opens his college football mailbag. But really, all I want to know is if my Best Buy has EA Sports’ NCAA Football 2004, yet. That game gets better every year. This year, when you play as Notre Dame they actually touch the “Play Like A Champion Today” sign on their way out of the locker room. And then they get beaten by a ACC third place team in the Gator Bowl. But still.

The Dodgers get Jeromy and Rickey for pretty much nothing. Sigh.

Nomar is trying to decide if he wants to be a free agent after next season. There is some concern that if the Expos are moved to Washington DC that Nomar will want to play there because his fiance, Mia Hamm plays soccer in the WUSA for the Washington Freedom.

Yeah, I made that last part up. Two things. One, like Nomar would leave Boston for the third-incarnation of the Senators. Two, like the WUSA will still be around after 2004.

But, since we’re talking women’s soccer…
Oh, Heather…

I love women’s soccer.

What’s that? Hey, Johnny would like some more pudding!

The Clippers need to decide whether to match offers for Andre Miller (no), Corey Maggette (no), Elton Brand (yes) and Michael Olowokandi (no.) How hard was that?

Some tool got tossed from Big Brother 4 just in time to tackle an umpire at tonight’s All-Star Game.

Katie Couric showed her bare ass on TV (ok it was the “inside” of her bare ass) and now everybody wants some!

A friend of the girl accusing Kobe Bryant of sexual assault says that Kobe “went all the way” with her and that they’re now “going steady”.

Arnie’s going to take a month to decide if he will run for Governor of California. The world ends in a month and a day. The good news is that maybe Arnie can stop it.

A 12-year-old girl has run off with an ex-Marine. And I’m thinking, Rob Goldman was in the Marines?

Of all of today’s jokes. That one’s my favorite.

In fact, screw it. Hey Possum! While you’re up, both Coach Bach and I would like some more pudding!

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