Remember when we were kids and sports were so innocent. It was like a different time. We didn’t have scandals all the time.

I mean sure, Denny McLain embezzled thousands from a retirement fund.
Sure, Ray Burris beat up a tranny hooker.
Of course, Keith Hernandez and Dave Parker testified in court about how much coke they bought off a guy in Pittsburgh.
If you want to get technical, I suppose you could choose to remember when Craig Hodges wife tried to light him on fire while he was sleeping.
Michael Jordan got Juanita pregnant and then had to marry her, under the threat of God and Nike and everybody else. (And you see how well that marriage has endured. Snicker, snicker. Cough, cough -Vanessa Williams, cough, cough, Karla Knafel, cough, cough.)

So…uh…OK, yeah, nothing really changes, does it?

And now the nation is a twitter about Kobe Bryant and his rape accuser. Yesterday, you could go on the Internet (like you are right now) and see photos of her. Today, there’s some dispute about whether or not those photos were really of her. I mean, when you have to go to a Drudge Report spin-off site (binaryreport.com) to find them, you have to wonder how accurate any of the info is.

It is funny though. Last night on some of the cable TV talk shows, leaders of women’s rights groups were outraged at why America would feel the need to see photos of this girl.

I think I speak for most of us when I say that we wanted to see how hot she was, so we’d have some idea of whether Kobe is crazy (Mike Price), dumb (Larry Eustachy) or some other kind of moron. If those photos were indeed her, he falls into the third category.

Look, we’re not going to spend a lot of time on the Kobe thing here at Desipio. Frankly, it’s hard to write anything funny about an alleged rape, so why even bother?

But what we can make jokes about, is that former CLTV and WGN Radio dumbass Rob Goldman is back in the news! Thanks to our pal Bill Catching, we have a link to an article about Rob’s court date yesterday.

You will remember that much to our amusement, Rob was arrested in the Gurnee Mills Mall parking lot where he was headed to meet what he thought was a 15-year old girl that he’d met on the Internet. Let’s just say Rob wasn’t meeting her to “mentor her in the broadcasting business.” Only the person he’d been chatting with for months wasn’t a 15-year-old girl, it was a 50 year old male police detective. Oops!

The thing that fascinates me about this whole story is that when Rob was taken to jail he had to call his wife so she could come bail him out. Can you imagine what that phone call was like?

Rob: Uh, honey? Yeah, can you come pick me up?
Soon to be ex-Mrs. Goldman: Sure, where are you?
Rob: Oh, I’m uh…down at the uh…um (whispers) police station.
Soon to be ex-Mrs. Goldman: Did you forget to wear pants to the mall again?
Rob: Something like that.

His defense is ingenious. He’s trying to blame it on a Web site. He says the Olsen Twins Countdown site isn’t accurate, and he thought he was meeting Mary Kate for an “interview.”

That’s just crazy enough to work.

Too bad Rob isn’t.

—

The Cubs have scored 31 runs and banged out 41 hits in the last two nights. What’s even more impressive is that despite starting Shawn Estes last night, they’re 2-0 in those games. In fact, the Cubs are red hot, they’ve won three games in a row and are only a half game behind the hated Cardinals.

But they’re the Cubs. So we know that 31 runs on Sunday and Monday means that the total runs for the week will end up at like 37.

Sergio Mitre hurls for the Cubs tonight in Atlanta, and then, he’s scheduled to pitch. (Rimshot please! Thank you, I’ll be here all week!)

What do we know about Sergio? He was 6-7 at AA West Tennessee with a 3.79 ERA. He had allowed more hits than innings pitched, but in 109 innings he’d whiffed 98 and only walked 32. He also likes long walks on the beach, puppy dogs, baby seals and unicorns.

But then, who doesn’t?

—

Chip said something I agreed with last night. No, he didn’t have an epiphany and turn to Steve and say, lovingly, “Steve, I suck incredibly badly, don’t I?”

Instead, he said that it’s stupid to trade for Kenny Lofton when you already have Tom Goodwin. That, my friends, is what I’ve been saying for weeks now.

It’s not that Tom Goodwin’s good. He’s not. It’s that Kenny Lofton’s just as bad. And, Kenny’s a lefthanded hitter just like Tom. Which means you can’t even platoon their suckiness.

There is one guy I’d trade to Pittsburgh for Kenny. One guy, and one guy only.

Think they’ll take him?

Somebody who ought to know in the Cubs organization claims that the reason Dusty keeps starting Lenny Harris at third base is to prove to the world that he needs a real third baseman. Uh, Dusty. I think you’ve made your point. Cut it out now, please.

There is also the rumor going around that Dusty and Jim Hendry got into a shouting match after Dusty demanded a third baseman and a centerfielder “now!” I hope this is true. I don’t want my team’s manager and general manager happy about the way things are going. I want them to get pissed off, yell at each other and then go do something about it.

—

As for the White Sox, the Twins are 5-0 since the All-Star Break, which doesn’t seem like cause for much alarm, given that the Sox are 4-1, but when you consider that the Twins have played Oakland and Seattle and the Sox have played the AAA affiliates of what used to be the Tigers and Indians, it just proves something. Sooner or later the Twins would wake up and lay waste to the AL Central. Apparently the snooze button finally kicked off on July 17.

—

Paul Sullivan gives some love to Butch and Sundance. “Who are these guys?”

We all know that MRI stand for “maybe really injured” so don’t put too much credence into Mark Prior’s test.

Normally, I really like Rosey’s stuff. But today’s is just mean (nothing wrong with that) and not very funny (something very wrong with that).

Carl Everett finally got a hit for the Sox. Whoop de damn doo.

Jerry Krause remembers when he and Scottie Pippen were young(er) and in love. Eww.

Mike Downey thinks it’s just peachy keen that Scottie’s coming back.

Sexy Rexy and the Bears are not close on a contract. Sigh. Hey, whatever it takes to go 6-10, I guess.

Lacy J. Banks thinks the Lakers will be pretty good even if Kobe’s wearing an orange jumpsuit this year.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and completely misses the point as to why the Bulls signed Scottie. But then, what do we expect from old turkey gobbler neck?

Bill Self changes the REM lyrics to “Everybody cheats…sometimes…” He’s right, though. The NCAA rulebook is a compendium of ridiculousness.

Really? You don’t say? The dumbass, NCAA halfwits and inbreds who make up the BCS committee don’t want a football playoff. Gee, I’m stunned. Oh, please tell us who it would be too hard on the student-athletes again! I need a good laugh.

The Wiz just paid 65-million bucks for a point guard who’s not a point guard. Normally I’d excoriate this signing. But…the Wiz have Eddie Jordan as a head coach and Eddie actually runs an offensive system that works. Gilbert should fit just right into that. I still think it’s too much cash, but he’ll do a lot better there than he would have in Denver or with the (God no!) Clippers.

Two things that don’t mix. Bad basketball and a bad radio “personality.”

David Aldrige wonders if he, or anybody else, really knows Kobe.

Wait a minute, the Cardinals are trying to trade for the decaying corpse of Sterling Hitchcock and people wonder if the Cubs want to win?

By the way, Jeff Fassero starts tonight for the Cardinals. The Troll! Really. Fireworks at 11. NASCAR legend Jeff Gordon is not amused. I am, though.

Matt Morris had to leave last night’s game in the first inning when he took a line drive off his hand. Mark Kotsay hit it. I love Mark Kotsay. By the way, I hope Morris’ hand falls off. Does that make me a bad person? I didn’t think so.

Why am I the only one who knows that Chad Pennington sucks? He has no arm strength…none. He’s Shane Matthews! Didn’t we see it in Oakland in the playoffs? Muahahahahahahaha! You watch, he’ll throw more picks than TDs, the Jets will wallow in mediocrity and they’ll blame it on Chad Morton and Laverneauauauauauas Coles leaving for DC. You watch. It hurts to be this right all the time.

News Filter’s headline for this was, “Drunk driver who killed dog gets two years in prison; OJ still free.” I can’t top that.

An Indian man who’s head was nearly completely severed in an accident has lived to tell about it. Eww.

It’s another proud day to be a Catholic. An Alabama priest allegedly paid to rape and molest boys and shared them with another priest. I’m telling you, there’s still way to much kneeling in the Catholic Mass.

Three out of five women like getting lap dances. What’s wrong with you other two?

Where’s Tom Osborne when someone needs him? A Lincoln, Nebraska stripper has been arrested for having sex with her dog. She’s still more popular than Frank Solich, by the way.

Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks are going to make a “Band of Brothers” type mini-series that details the Pacific Theater component of World War II. That’s great news. “Band of Brothers” is the greatest single mini-series of all-time and there’s no use even arguing that. They’re also going to make a mini-series out of the John Adams biography by David McCullough.

America’s finest news source says some lucky lady paid under $10,000 for a night with Bill Frist. Yee haw!