Jim Hendry stood in the dugout and told the reporters who had come to lick his shoes that you can’t judge a trade for a few years.

Well, I’m not a patient man. If I was a patient man I certainly wouldn’t eat as much of this crap as I do.

So all I know is that the Cubs traded some quality players like National League strikeout leader Jose Jerkoff and some minor league pitcher guy who nobody ever heard of for Kenny Lofton and E-ramis Ramirez and they combined to go 0-8 and make an error in a 3-0 Cubs loss.

The Cubs winning percentage with these guys is .000, and frankly I’m tired of it. I think some drastic changes need to be made.

Hey, look, Easy Mac!

I kid because I care. In fact, had I been at the game last night I would have gotten in line to take a lap off of Hendry’s Rockports myself.

I don’t think anyone understands just how good this trade was. But someday when E-ramis is outperforming weird Cardinal Scott Rolen, we’ll all enjoy a stogie and a good laugh. Or something.

But really, you know what troubles me? Why isn’t Aramis wearing his normal number 16? Who has 16?

A quick look of the “official” rosters at Cubs.com shows nobody wearing 16.

Official roster — No 16.
40-man roster — No 16.
Coaches? — No 16.

Or is there?

When Dusty took the job last fall he hired too many coaches. Because really, he just had to give Wendell Kim a job. That meant that one of the coaches can’t actually dress for the games. I think Sonny Jackson is number 16. He can coach the team before the game, but then has to change back to street clothes and watch the game from one of the boxes. So, if you’re going to the game today, or have any idea what number Sonny is, I think we need to know.

Because really, all of the great 16s in Cubs history need to know if that’s the case, or if…maybe, just maybe, 16 is going to be retired in the near future to honor:
Paul Noce
Steve Lake
or maybe, just maybe…Dave Owen.

The big trade in the NBA was made official yesterday and the Timberwolves now have a team that includes Latrell Sprewell, Sam Cassell, Wally Szczerbiak, Michael Olowokandi and some guy named Kevin Garnett. That’s not too bad. In fact, that’s very good. Hey, they might be able to finish seventh in the West this year!

I kid because I don’t care.

The Cardinals received some more bad news yesterday. Just 24 hours after diagnosing Matt Morris with a broken finger on his right hand (and…in troubling news for Matt it’s the one he picks his nose with)…Cardinals trainer Barry Weinberg also delievered these diagnoses:

Jeff Fassero: Old and bad.
Eli Marerro: Pock faced.
Brett Tomko: Useless.
Garrett Stephenson: Beyond useless.
Jim Edmonds: Pederast (though limited mainly to juvenile barnyard animals).
JD Drew: Acute (adorable, actually) sexual identity crisis. Told him to stay away from Edmonds.
Tony LaRussa: Genius.

Well, of course.

Kenny Lofton and E-ramis did nothing! Boo! Why can’t we trade for a “good” player like Esteban Yan? God, I LOVE Walt Jocketty. He’s a sage.

As you could see by their four-hit, no run performance, the Cubs offense is fixed.

Tony Graffanino took one in the groin and the Sox won. I have no joke. That’s funny enough by itself.

Acutal member of the media, longtime friend of Desipio and erstwhile Desipio football expert Drew Lawrence promised us a Pulitzer-quality piece of work on why the dumbass Bears draft quarterbacks and then refuse to pay them. For now, this will have to tide you over.

Mike Downey thinks Jim Hendry should be lauded for stealing Eric Karros, Mark Grudzielanek, E-ramis and Kenny for pretty much a drunk, a whiff machine and some chaff. He’s right.

Some guy (or gal) named Lee Gordon details the morons who’ve played third base since the last good one the Cubs ever had…Bill Madlock. Hey, I love Ron Santo, but you have to admit that Madlock was good. We tend to forget that the guy who replaced Ronny was the only good one since he left.

Honestly, I don’t really set out to mock him every morning. But Mariotti put down the doughnut to write this article about the Cubs trade and it makes no sense. Did he like it or not? Does he think it will work out or not? Oh, for chrissakes Jay, just get back to trying to button the top button on one of your dress shirts again, and leave us alone.

Hendry’s not done trading yet. I just hope he can keep up with Walt Jocketty. It’s going to be tough. You know, those Cardinals, they’re all just brilliant.

Tim Sassone wonders if E-ramis is the answer at third? Depends on the question, I suppose.

The Bears would like to be better this year. How…nice?

The Wizard of Roz says pitching, not hitting will carry the Cubs. All the way to third place.

Sean McAdam thinks Kenny Williams will be busy up until the trade deadline. Busy trying squeeze into his suit pants, maybe.

Don’t you think it pisses Kenny off that he had to give up actual prospects to get his players and Hendry just throws a yard sale to get his? Muahahahahahahahaha!

Don Banks has some burning going on again and he uses an actual photo of cheesy Falcons-owner Arthur Blank in this article. Run! Hide the kids! Aaaahhhh!

Walt Jocketty might trade JD Drew to Oakland in a three-way trade to get (get this…) Kelvim Escobar. Somebody get the white flag out, we’s gonna needs to surrender!

Thank God! Whew! TNN finally gets to call itself Spike TV and they’ll start airing even more unwatchable crap on August 11.

This movie sucks so hard you can hear it coming. Nice ‘do on Affleck though. Very manly. Or something.

Kobe, buddy. It’s over. The marriage is in the toilet. Buying her a $4 million ring won’t fix that. You’re the dumbest smart guy in the world, you know that?

A Kansas City man left his wife lying on the floor for months. Don’t get any ideas, Kobe. You’re already in enough trouble.

Apparently, people who’ve seen Ben and Jen’s bomb have the same opinion that I do.

Remember the kid who did the Star Wars lightsaber thing in front of a video camera, only to have some classmates steal the video and put it on the Internet? He sued them. Well, of course he did.

Qusay and Uday bought it in the toilet.

Uday might have offed himself.

Our truck is not floating!

The world’s greatest newspaper insists that France hid Saddam Hussein’s nuclear weapons under the Eiffel Tower. Hey, what’s not to believe?