On Sunday night we posted the American League preview and unveiled our new Barely Adequate Knowledge Optimizer formula to show you where each team would finish.

The Cubs, so impressed by the formula, decided to dump their own Bako a day later.

The longest spring training in the history of baseball is crawling to the finish, and the real opening day is just six days away.  The Cubs open in Houston…at night.  Not even night, more like dusk.  It will be the first time Carlos Zambrano has faced the Astros since he no-hit them in Milwaukee.  I’m sure we won’t hear any of the Astros bitching about badly Bud screwed them by trying to force them to leave Houston before a hurricane hit it.  No, they’re classy, they won’t say a peep.  Besides they’re too exhausted from losing 19 spring training games in a row.

Anyway, the format’s the same.  I dig out some old logos, make a half-assed prediction about how many games each team will win, crack wise and then turn it over to the “experts.”

The gang is all here for the National League half of the preview, Peter Gammons, Phil Rogers, the Four Letter message board and Sports Guy.

So let’s get it on.

National League East

Philadelphia Phillies
2009 BAKO: 94-68, 1st Place

The Phillies benefited from another Mets collapse, which cleared the way for them the final week of the season.  Just a year previous, the Phillies had to sweat it out down the stretch and then got swept out of the playoffs by the Rockies.  A year later they had some time to get ready, set their rotation and they put the Brewers away in four games.  Just like how the Cubs benefitted from…oh, never mind.

Already the Phillies are showing the wear and tear of three playoff rounds.  Chase Utley caught Alex Rodriguez disease and had to have a hip replaced.  Hamels’ elbow fell off.  Ryan Howard showed up for camp 20 pounds lighter, with a persistent cough and an IV full of t-cells.

Today they cut World Series hero Geoff Jenkins and rumor has it they’re after recently released Tigers slugger Gary Sheffield.

Gary Sheffield playing in front of the surliest fans in baseball?  Oh, that just seems like a good idea.  Just like Ryan Lefebvre asking Milton Bradley if he wanted to car pool to Monday’s Cactus League game in Surprise, Arizona.

Peter Gammons – There’s a reason the Phillies call third baseman Pedro Feliz, Peter Happy, and damned if I can remember what it is.

Phil Rogers – The Cubs had their choice of Oakland A’s aces when they dealt their five best prospects for Rich Harden.  The Phillies took Joe Blanton and he carried them to a World Series title.  Blanton’s 4-0, 4.20 in 13 starts was far better than Harden (5-1, 1.77 in 12 starts with the Cubs).

Four letter – Jamie Moyer has won 218 games since the Cubs traded him.  Nice trade Hendry! Frey!  (Holy crap is Jamie Moyer old.)

Sports Guy – Something something something Brad Lidge face, something something.

New York Mets
2009 BAKO: 89-73 2nd Place (NL Wild Card)

How great was the ceremony to close the festering dump that was Shea Stadium?  They held it in the rain after a loss that eliminated the Mets from the playoffs on the last day of the season for the second year in a row?  The only thing missing was Ron Santo waddling out and taking a dump on the pitcher’s mound.

How did the Mets respond to a second straight late September choke job?  They gave interim manager Jerry Ghandi Manuel a full-time job, and they propped up a sagging bullpen by trading for a Putz and spending a lot of money on Venezuelan Bobby Thigpen.  How could this possibly fail?

They’re moving into a brand new stadium, and by all accounts CitiField is awesome.  The Mets had been pointing to this season for years and the offseason is when they were supposed to not only fix the bullpen but get a top notch slugger to play left field.  On opening day Daniel Murphy will be out there, mainly because the Wilpon family gave most of their money to Bernie Madoff.  Whoops.

Peter Gammons – My favorite Shea Stadium memory does not include a naked Kevin Mitchell being told he was on deck in game six of the 1986 World Series, or the time David Cone was caught masturbating in the bullpen during a game.  Nope.  I’ll never forget cruising around in Vince Coleman’s car throwing fire crackers at fans.  Now that was living.  Do you smell almonds?  Anybody?

Phil Rogers – Not only was Jeremy Reed hilarious in the Smokey and the Bandit movies (the third one was the best) but he’s got a chance to make the Mets as the fifth outfielder.  (Uh, Phil, that’s Jerry Jeremy Reed.)

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1Jk4U7rTXw]

Four letter – We still think Corey Patterson will turn out to be better than Carlos Beltran.

Sports Guy – Would it have killed the Mets to have tied John McNamara to the wrecking ball that took out Shea?

Atlanta Braves
2009 BAKO: 82-80, 3rd Place

Jeff Francouer had a great year didn’t he?  Coming off a .293, 19 HR, 105 RBI 2007, he hit .239 with 11 HR and 71 RBI, oh and he got sent down to AA at one point.

Great?  Francouer’s biggest problem isn’t his power decline (he hit 29 homers in 2006) it’s his hellaciously bad walk to strike out rate.

2006 – 23 walks, 132 K’s
2007 – 42 walks, 129 K’s
2008 – 39 walks, 111 K’s

Good god, man.  How have you never played for Dusty Baker?

Peter Gammons – Bobby Cox isn’t just the best manager in the National League, he’s also the meanest drunk.

Phil Rogers – When Ken Griffey Jr. succumbed to nostalgia and turned down the Braves offer to return to Seattle for his final season, the Braves turned to Garrett Anderson.  Every year he leads the league in heart, guts and bulging disks.  Who needs Junior?

Four letter – The Cubs needed a catcher in 2002 and they passed on McCann to take Bobbie Brownlie.  Great, now when are they going to find a catcher?

Sports Guy – The last time I was surrounded by grown men making Indian noises I was with Cousin Sal at a Village People concert.

Florida Marlins
2009 BAKO: 81-81, 4th place

The Marlins had another fire sale this offseason, except this time the guys they dumped weren’t budding young All-Stars, instead they were Kevin Gregg, Josh Willingham, Scott Olsen, etc.  That’s what happens when you have FIFTEEN arbitration eligible guys on your team and are trying to keep your payroll at $30 million.

Thirty million?  The Cubs left and center fielders make that much.

Like always, the Marlins have some good young talent.  Hanley Ramirez might be the best player in the National League.  Dan Uggla’s pretty good for a guy with dwarf arms.  Cameron Maybin looks like he’s ready for a breakout year.  The pitching staff is nearly fully recovered from two summers of Joe Girardi trying to give them all Tommy John Disease.

The Cubs finally figured out a way to beat them after three years of abject failure.  It took new Cub Gregg serving up a cookie to old Cub Daryle Ward, but it happened.

Now that the Marlins are getting their own ballpark, they might even keep some of the young guys around for a while.  Then again, just because they have a park doesn’t mean they have any fans.

Peter Gammons – What Larry Beinfest has done in Florida is remarkable.  Last year the Marlins were competitive in the NL’s best division desipite a payroll of $21 million, half of which he had to pay out in Blockbuster rental coupons.

Phil Rogers – It’s daring trades like the one in 2006 that got the Cubs Juan Pierre for three anonymous minor leaguers that make Jim Hendry great.

Four letter – The Marlins got Hanley Ramirez for Josh Beckett.  The Cubs should have traded Rich Hill for him, but Lou ruined him.

Sports Guy – The Red Sox have as many World Series in the last 91 years as the Marlins have had in 16.  I will now light myself on fire.

Washington Nationals
2009 BAKO: 72-90, fifth place

What was more surprising, that a scandal that cost Jim Bowden his job in Washington didn’t involve naked photos of Wily Mo Pena, or that you realized he’d been their general manager for the Nationals for five years?

In that time it seems like all he’s done is trade for bad middle relievers and outfielders.  The job is former White Sox scout Mike Rizzo’s to worry about now, which is interesting because the two organizations signed out in the FBI probe into their allegedly skimming bonus money from Domincian prospects are the Nationals and White Sox.  But I’m sure it’s a coincidence.

The Nats big move in the offseason was to bring in Crystal Lake crybaby Scott Olsen and then cause some logjammin’ in the outfield and at first base by signing Adam Dunn without moving the immovable Nick Johnson or one of the 17 outfielders first.

Peter Gammons – One of the joys of a game in DC is that despite having the highest unemployment and murder rates in the nation that the park is located in a sketchy and poorly lit section of town.  If you make it back to your car with your wallet and both kidneys you have something to be proud of.

Phil Rogers – I’ve been kissing Rizzo’s ass for years, ever since I started writing my pedantic prospect reviews of the White Sox for the Baseball America Prospect Handbook, and now it’s all going to pay off!

Four letter – DUNNNNNNN!  There IS milk in my pants!

Sports Guy – If the Nationals ever trade Austin Kearns, there’s some serious Ewing Theory potential here.

National League Central

Chicago Cubs
2009 BAKO: 98-64, 1st place

Wait, how can you trade the greatest Cubs of all-time (Mark DeRosa) and win more games than the year before?  Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe the acquisition of Milton Bradley has something to do with it.  As of games of March 31, these are Bradley’s spring training numbers.  22-42 (.524 batting average), four homers, 10 RBI, six walks, five strikeouts, .583 on base average, .929 slugging, 1.512 OPS.

I know it’s spring training, and I know it means nothing.

But.

Holy.

Shit.

If you really could ever get a full season out of crazy Milton, look out.  The Cubs and their excellent history of nursing along injury prone players (guh) probably mean there’s absolutely no chance.  But it’s March (for a little while more anyway) and a guy can dream.

Peter Gammons – During the offseason in his early years with the Pilots and Royals, Lou Piniella used to return to colonial California and serve as Zorro.  Fighting crime and injustice, he killed dozens of men with a sword.

Phil Rogers – I’m so afraid of Bradley that I now cower at the sight of board games.

Four letter – I think the Cubs should trade Josh Vitters, Mitch Atkins, Kevin Hart, Tyler Colvin, Alfonso Soriano, Chuck Wasserstrom, Bobby Scales, Gail Fisher, Milton Bradley and Geovany Soto to the Nationals for Adam Dunn!

Sports Guy – I think it would be cute if the Cubs won a World Series.

St. Louis Cardinals
2009 BAKO: 88-74, 2nd Place

Loading Lamar Hoyt up on opiates to get him through starts wasn’t enough.  Taking a pharmacy of Mexican horse tranquilizers with him to Oakland wasn’t enough.  Signing a 37 year old high school senior with the Cardinals wasn’t enough.  Even batting the pitcher eighth, couldn’t fill the void The Genius feels as he tries to reinvent baseball.

So this year he’s taking a pair of medicore outfield prospects and teaching them to play second (Skip Schumaker) and third (Joe Mather).  It even looks like Schumaker will open the season as the starting second baseman.

But the Cardinals should be commended for all they accomplished last season.  None of their bullpen members died, and thanks to a grant from the state of Arkansas, Rick Ankiel’s dad now has a radio in his cell so he can hear Mike Shannon slur his way through his son’s games.

Peter Gammons – Ask anybody, the cookouts at Tony LaRussa’s suburban St. Louis home, that involve copious amounts of steak, red wine and a ritual dog neutering can’t be topped.

Phil Rogers – There is no better story than that of gutty Cardinals starting pitcher Chris Carpenter’s return from elbow and shoulder surgery.  I think, and Bud Selig agrees, that it should be mandatory for fans to give Carpenter a standing ovation whenever he walks by.

Four letter – Oh, my god.  The Cardinals are loaded.  We are so screwed!!1!  They have Khalil Greene!!1!!

Sports Guy – Remember that time the Red Sox swept the Cardinals in the World Series?  It was great until Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruined it!  They ruined it!  I didn’t grow up on the hardscrabble streets of suburban Boston and rural Connecticut and go to a private high school and prep school to suffer like that.

Milwaukee Brewers
2009 BAKO: 81-81, tied 3rd place

One of the best stories of the offseason was the Brewers plan to rebuild around the four first-round draft picks they would get when ace pitchers CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets signed with other teams.

One problem.  Sabathia signed the biggest contract ever for a pitcher with the Yankees, but then the Yankees signed an even higher rated free agent in Mark Texiera which cut the Brewers haul in half as they only get a ‘sandwich’ pick for CC.  Then, as Ben Sheets was about to sign with the Texas Rangers, he failed his physical.  Now there’s no chance he’ll sign with another team before the June draft, meaning the Brewers get no compensation for him at all.

Two aces, one draft pick (in the 30s) and to add insult to injury, the Brewers had to pay for Sheets’ elbow surgery.  Oops!

Milwaukee still has two really good young hitters.  Ryan Braun, who will be around for at least five more years, and Prince Fielder who will likely leave as a free agent after the 2010 season.  But hey, at least they still have the handsome Corey Hart and his midget face to roam the outfield.

Peter Gammons – Ask anybody in baseball and they’ll tell you that the special sauce in Milwaukee makes a great hair pomade.

Phil Rogers – The best move the Brewers made in the offseason was getting Trevor Hoffman to close games for them.  The guy has 554 saves.  That’s a lot.

Four letter – Ryan Braun will be lucky to equal his BABIP from last year, or his VORP, or several other acronyms that we have no idea how to apply.

Sports Guy – You think Brewers fans were upset when they lost to the Phillies, wait until they find out Brett Favre played for the Jets.
Cincinnati Reds
2009 BAKO: 81-81, tied 3rd place

The Reds have undeniable talent and much of it is young.  They also have the worst possible manager for a team made up that way.

How Walt Jocketty can entrust the futures of guys like Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto to Dusty Baker is a mystery.

The Reds better contend this year, because it’s not hard to imagine them playing 2010 without those two young pitchers while they recover from Tommy John disease.

But hey, at least Reds fans can listen to the Brennemans.  (They deserve those gasbags.)

Peter Gammons – I love the infectious smile of Darren Baker when I see him at the park.  It’s been seven years since JT Snow saved his life by pulling him out of the way at home plate during the World Series.  The cops locked Ron LeFlore up for less than that, didn’t they Dusty?

Phil Rogers – Dusty’s a great manager so this is a great team.  I’d be surprised if they don’t win 130 games.

Four letter – Dusty was so much better than Lou it’s not even funny.

Sports Guy – Cincinnati?  What’s that?  Is it a town?

Houston Astros
2009 BAKO: 74-88, fifth place

Last year the Astros were old and injury prone, this year they’re older and worse.

They needed pitching and they added Mike Hampton and Russ Ortiz.

Is that some kind of joke?

But when all is said and done they’ll just blame their inevitable decline to the bottom of the divison on a hurricane and on Bud Selig.

Peter Gammons – Astros owner Drayton McLane says he honestly felt that by leaving the team in Houston during the hurricane last year that the storm would be forced to veer south to avoid Carlos Lee’s ever expanding ass.

Phil Rogers – Get ready for the sneak attack, led by second baseman Kaz Matsui.  You know what I mean.

Four letter – If I could kiss any man on the lips it would be that dreamy Hunter Pence.  His posture reminds me so much of my Nana.

Sports Guy – The Astros should go back to those uniforms they had in the ’80s.  Those were hilarious.

Pissburgh Pirates
2009 BAKO: 64-98, dead ass last

It’s bad enough being a Cubs fan, where the team hasn’t won in a century, but for chrissakes what does it feel like to root for the Pirates.

Are they even trying to win?  Seriously.  It’s like PK Wrigley has been reanimated and put in charge of the Pirates.  Next thing you know they’ll stop playing black guys and start rotating the manager.

When the offensive player that you fear most is Nate McLouth, you’re not going to have a hard time with the Pirates.

The Cubs went 14-4 against Pissburgh last year and outscored them by almost 60 runs.  So, thanks!

Peter Gammons – Inspired by a story on the news about women who cut their long hair and donate it to charity to be made into wigs for cancer patients, Jack Wilson of the Pirates donated several of his extra teeth to the same charity.

Phil Rogers – I’ve got nothing.  Even I can’t make up a reason they might be good.

Four letter – The Pirates are dumb to send Andrew McCutcheon to the minors that’s going to cost them a couple of wins.  (Woo, 66-96!)

Sports Guy – My buddy J-Bug and I went to a party one time dressed as pirates.  It wasn’t even Halloween!

National League West

Arizona Diamondbacks
2009 BAKO: 90-72, 1st Place

Remember how Cubs fans were scared that the Diamondbacks would hold off the Dodgers and face the Cubs again in the first round of the playoffs last year?  Uh, yeah.  Hindsight is a bitch.

The D’backs are still set up well for a short series though, with a pair of ace pitchers in Brandon Webb and Dan Haren, but at least that lineup can be pitched to.  The D’backs are still way too strikeout prone (I’m looking at you Chris Young and Mark Reynolds) or have no power (hello, Conor Jackson).  And they don’t play defense very well.

But, given their limitations they’re still better than anybody else in this flawed and shallow division. It doesn’t matter how you get in the playoffs, just that you do.

Peter Gammons – Ask anybody in the game and they will tell you that nobody can yodel like Bob Melvin.

Phil Rogers – Justin Upton’s homers, by average were the longest in baseball last year.  They should count double.

Four letter – They let Adam Dunn go?  Why?

Sports Guy – Eric Byrnes does his hair with hand lotion?  That makes two of us!  So what?  So let’s all dance to Pac Man Fever!

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-MONIvP6kI]

Los Angeles Dodgers
2009 BAKO: 88-74, 2nd place

They swept the Cubs largely because of their starting pitching, and because Ned Colletti is the kind of brilliant that in previous years stockpiled useless centerfielders for no apparent reason, this year he set out to ruin the pitching staff.  Wait, that’s too harsh.  All he really did was let Derek Lowe go and replace him with Randy Wolf, oh, and count on Jason Schmidt to actually pitch for the Dodgers this year.  But hey, who can blame him?

The Manny Ramirez saga droned on all winter and into the spring basically because Manny wanted an excuse to skip most of spring training, not that you can blame him.  Manny’s still a great player, but if the Dodgers think they’re going to get the Manny who was so unbelievable in August, September and the playoffs, well…cut them some slack.  They’re Dodger fans.  By choice.

Peter Gammons – Not only was Joe Torre brilliant in letting Manny be Manny, how about the way he let Juan be Juan…on the bench?

Phil Rogers – The Cubs didn’t lose to the Dodgers because LA played better over a four day period, but it was because the Cubs were so overcome by the 100th anniversary of their last world championship, and because the Dodgers wanted it more, and a bunch of other horseshit, meaningless cliches.

Four letter – Lou should have never started Dempster and Zambrano!  Why not Rich Hill?  He was so rested!

Sports Guy – I openly hate the Dodgers now because I live out here and they have Manny and he quit on the Red Sox.  I get e-mails from people out here, displaced Red Sox fans who have offered to kill Manny.  Yup, these are my readers.  And I hope one of them comes through.

Colorado Rockies
2009 BAKO: 81-81, 3rd place

One year after their inexplicable run to the World Series, the Rockies realized they weren’t very good.  Most of their pitchers got hurt, Troy Tulowitzki got hurt, Brad Hawpe got his leg stuck in a humidor and missed two months, but in reality they never recovered from this.  Which was fucking awesome by the way.

The Rockies traded Matt Holiday for no apparent reason and have almost no chance of actually being good this year.  But hey, Denver’s fun in the summer.  You can go rock climbing, they have good beer out there (not Coors, you dopes) and on a really sunny day you can see John Elway’s teeth from nine states.

Peter Gammons – Todd Helton is recovered from a back that limited him the last three seasons.  He told me it was more painful than the new Marianne Faithful album.

Phil Rogers – Under a new formula I created which factors in the number of God-fearing caucasians on your roster, I think the Rockies will win the West by 27 games.

Four letter – Wrigley Field’s elevation makes it the fourth highest park in the majors.  Why is Jim Hendry too dumb to get a humidor for the baseballs?

Sports Guy – I was in a private Pilates class last week with Miley Cyrus and…**- Note, this story is apparently true.  Yup, he’s just like us.

San Francisco Giants
2009 BAKO: 73-89, 4th place

Yes, BAKO knows the Giants have two really good young pitchers, Tim Matt Lincecum (Matt was his undeveloped conjoined twin that his body absorbed in the womb) and Matt Cain, and it thinks highly of Jonathan Sanchez, but BAKO also sees what might be the worst offensive team ever assembled.  I mean, holy crap, look at these guys:

Travis Ishikawa, 1b; Emmanuel Burriss, 2b; the rotting corpse of Edgar Renteria, ss; Pablo Sandoval, 3b; Benji Molina, c; Freddie Lewis, lf; Aaron Rowand, cf; Randy Winn, rf

I mean, come on.  Look at that.  They could go months between runs.  Their general manager shouldn’t be fired, he should be forced to play left field.

Peter Gammons – Ask anybody in baseball and they’ll tell you, the Giants lineup really sucks.

Phil Rogers – I watched Travis Ishikawa take batting practice for three minutes one day and I think he’ll hit 47 homers this year.

Four letter – Pablo Sandoval is awesome!  Who cares if he’s a failed catcher who played third base like a lawn ornament?

Sports Guy – So, about my private Pilates class with Miley Cyrus.  I didn’t know it was her, I thought it was some super hot 25 year old and when she left I told the instructor, “It’s about time you got some hot women in here.  And he said, ‘Oh, you mean Miley Cyrus?'” ** — Once again, this story is apparently true.  He’s a pedaphile, just like…uh…well, not us.

San Diego Padres
2009 BAKO: 68-74 94, 5th place (only because they can’t finish in 7th place)

Speaking of shitty baseball teams.  The Padres could be epically bad.  They have a new ownership group and they still can’t make their payroll.  They’re basically forced to trade Jake Peavy and the only team he’s willing to be traded to right now is the Cubs.  Oh, that’s just tragic.

Their farm system is desolate.  They traded Khalil Greene and they are in such rough shape they might actually miss him.  Their best reliever, Heath Bell finally got in shape because he was embarassed when the Wii Fit he bought his kids for Christmas said he was obese.

On the other hand, they all get to live in San Diego.  So fuck them.

Peter Gammons – Ask anybody in baseball, and they’ll tell you that nobody power naps through the first four innings of games better than the best backup catcher in baseball, Hank White.  (Yeah!  Hank!)

Phil Rogers – The Cubs are likely to regret the day they gave up on Mark Prior.  The talented right hander is well rested and ready to make his next start, sometime in 2011.  In the Midwest League.  But his recent towel drill sessions have been some of the best of his career.

Four letter – Hendry can’t pull off a Peavy deal.  He’s a dick.

Sports Guy – I mean, really, she looked 25, and she’s got that deep voice.  I was more suspicious that she was a dude.  Either way, I liked it.

Coming up next: The Cubs 2009 Preview