It really doesn’t matter what you tell yourself. You can hide behind a blanket of skepticism and try and convince yourself that just like every other year since 1945 the Cubs aren’t going anywhere. Then you settle in and watch their fourth best starter throw a two-hit shutout on the Giants to kick off a huge homestand. You can’t help it. They’re doing it again. We’re all sucked in.

Even Chip Caray said in his loathesome voice that it’s time to hop on the bandwagon. So, we went out and found one.

Who says we’re not full-service?

You could almost hear the cosmic tumblers click into place last night. These things happened to the Cubs in the span of about five hours.

1. Mark Prior threw a regular bullpen session and reported that he felt no pain, and he might be on the mound as soon as Sunday against Arizona.
2. Roy Oswalt left his groin wadded up in a pile on the mound in Atlanta. This time, it’s likely going to cost him the season.
3. Garrett Stephenson tricked the Cardinals into thinking he can pitch with a 2-1 win over the Expos, meaning the Cards are more likely to eschew trading for a real pitcher, or two, or ten, that they actually need.
4. Moises Alou launched an 0-2 Damian Moss meatball into the Wrigley night and gave Matt Clement some runs to work with for the first time in THREE games.
5. On a 3-1 pitch, 450-pound Andres Galarraga thought it was 3-2 and ran, only to be thrown out by a good 87 feet. Even Wendell Kim laughed at that.
6. Clement jutted out that freakish chin and mowed the Giants down, at one point striking out four of them in a row on 12 pitches. It’d have been nicer if Chip had noticed, but I digress.
7. On Real World: Paris CT and Ace got drunk and played pool so loudly that it caused Christina to pout. Wait, I don’t think the cosmic tumblers are being swayed by the Real Worlders.
8. Chip Caray announced he was leaving the Cubs broadcast team to guest host “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” with Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell on Bravo.

Damn, if only number eight were true.

It’s July 30 and these things are true:
1. The Cubs are 3.5 games out of first place and five out of the wild card.
2. The Astros just traded for Dan Miceli, best known for not being Samantha Miceli.

3. The Cardinals outfield is made up of Albert Pujols (torn ligament in his elbow), Jim Edmonds (barnyard animal fetishist with an inflamed rotator cuff that he claims he hurt in the Home Run Derby — sure), and JD Drew (Ron Santo has better legs than JD).
4. The Troll, Jeff Fassero, is starting for the Cardinals.
5. It’s really not fair to link to an “old” photo of Alyssa Milano, though is it?

6. The Cardinals only hope of getting pitching help is either to a) trade for Pat Hentgen (hah!), b) trade JD Drew and his life-partner Arthur Itis for a pitcher, c) see how handy Dave Dravecky’s become with his right arm.
7. The Astros still have Jimy Williams in their dugout.
8. The Cardinals are still led by The Genius, a man who probably doesn’t want any pitching help, because he’s already figured out a way to revolutionize the game without pitchers.

How can the Cubs NOT win the division?

In fact, I’m so confident in the Cubs winning the NL Central that I’ve already started camping out for playoff tickets at Wrigley. When you go to today’s game (a great matchup of All-Stars Kerry Wood and Jason “My head is the size of Sputnik” Schmidt), look for me, I’m the guy who “pretends” to be crazy and sits under the Harry Caray statue screaming obscenaties and soiling myself.

There will be a lot of trades the next couple days, but it bothers me that the trading deadline isn’t midnight on the 31st anymore. Now it’s 4 p.m. Eastern on the 31st. No more sitting up until dawn with Peter Gammons telling us that “my sources tell me that the Cubs have worked out a trade with a team for a guy and perhaps a ’51 Chevy pickup.”

By the way, Albert Pujols is actually older than this truck.

I love to criticize Kenny Williams, but I’ll hand it to him here. I like this trade for the Sox. A lot. However, I wonder if he overpaid for a pitcher named after that annoying number from “Sound of Music.” Wait…that was Edelweiss. Not Schoeneweis. Never mind.

The Yankees were so mad at Raul Mondesi that they traded him to the team that beat them in the 2001 World Series. That’ll teach those damn Diamondbacks.

Theo Epstein is making his move. How can you argue with what he’s done since he became the first pre-adolescent general manager?

If Jeff Suppan is the answer, what is the question?

Does anybody know whatever happened to Bill Mueller?

Roy Oswalt is having trouble with his groin. Perhaps he should call Rafael Palmeiro?

Now where is Rey Sanchez supposed to get a decent haircut in Seattle? This guy’s never been able to find a place.

Nascar legend Jeff Gordon thinks it’s time for JD to go sit on somebody else’s DL.

But Rick “Tiny German figurine” Hummell says not so fast, gear head!

Check out the bums on Gordon’s list of potential Cardinals pitchers. Rick Helling (hee hee), Hentgen (guffaw), Kevin Jarvis (side ache…stop it, you’re killing me!). The only good pitchers on the list either can’t spell their own first name (Kelvim?) or Gordon can’t (it’s Freddy, not Freddie). I’m loving every minute of this panic in St. Louis.

Matt Clement was studly last night. You know, he could do this more often.

Dusty says when…I mean if, of course…the Cubs hit the skids, he’ll pull for the Giants. How, nice?

The Sox are done chipping away at the KC lead, now they’re tearing big chunks out of it. But I just don’t see it. You watch, the Sox will get within one game and then something will trigger in Carl Everett’s brain and he’ll think, “I need to do something really stupid now!”

John Shoop is opening up the playbook. What, it was closed last year? No wonder the offense sucked. They never actually opened the playbook? You don’t get this kind of insight anywhere. It only comes from David Huh. Why, I’d be happy to pay for insight like this.

Yeah. Not really.

Another good sign. A-Train is hurt…already.

Somebody round up the ticker tape! Corie Blount has re-signed with the Bulls! Yipee!

Rick Morrissey thinks Rick White is a dope. I hear the feeling is mutual.

I have no idea what the hell Rick Telander’s point is here? Could he perhaps find a way to combine more than two sentences in a paragraph?

Rick has his own Web site, now. Oh, so many jokes. We’ll have to get back to this at a later date.

Jim Hendry doesn’t want to touch his bullpen (I wouldn’t want to touch them either) but he’s looking to upgrade the bench. People with pulses would upgrade that mess.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to point out that like us, Barry Bonds hates him too. I knew I liked Barry for some reason.

The Wizard of Roz says that only Bryan Robinson can help Bryan Robinson.

Forensic specialists have determined that Patrick Dennehy was not killed by a gun. Nope, he was killed by the bullets that came out of the gun.

Somebody duped the Florida Sports Info office into thinking a crocodile was an alligator. Either way, if one bites you…you die.

Buster Olney with a great piece on how personalities (or lack thereof) can impact trades.

Peter King was in Cowboys’ camp on Monday. Blecch. I feel sorry for Peter.

Wait, somebody really wants Al Gore to run for president again? I mean other than George Bush? Really?

Wait, a police chief who’s also a sexual deviant? Who’s gonna believe this?

A South African baby has three legs and two penises. He’s going to be very popular. And fast.

This time he’s gone too far! Joe Stalin apparently wanted to kill John Wayne.

Meanwhile, in Fargo, a cop has been suspended for having sex with his date in the squad car. Hey, Barney and Thelma Lou used to do it! I think. Maybe.

Finally, some Chicago music fans with some taste. They threw garbage at Fred Durst.

America’s finest news source reports that a “Gigli” focus group demanded a new ending, in which both Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez die.