Somewhere on his resume, Andy MacPhail is going to have to put the following:

– One-time boy genius who won World Series in 1987 and 1991 with the Twins
– Instigated huge sweater-vest trend of the mid 1990s
– Traded not once, but twice for middle aged, lefty, slugging first baseman who had to be begged into coming to my team

I know that Jim Hendry is the GM this time, but this Rafael Palmeiro trade has Andy’s little doily holding fingerprints all over it.

On it’s face, it’s a brilliant, bold, un-Cublike move. You go out and you grab an expensive slugger for a mediocre prospect and create a two month platoon at first base that would be the envy of most teams in baseball.

Palmerio is 38, he’s only hitting .240 and he makes $2.8 million. That basically is insurance that he’ll clear waivers like a bullet, meaning, for better or worse that this is not the end of the Cubs-Rangers saga.

Remember in 2001 when the Fancy Fred McGriff hostage crisis dragged on for three weeks before he finally relented and came to town. Let’s hope the Cubs don’t repeat that fiasco.

On the surface, it’s understandable that Palmeiro would be cool at first to the trade. He knows he won’t be playing every day, he’ll have to go back to the National League for the first time since 1988 (when he was an All-Star with the Cubs–of all people), and he knows that guys like me can’t wait to make countless Cindy Sandberg jokes.

Here’s what I do if I’m the Cubs. If he clears waivers to the Cubs, I claim him. Then I work the trade out with John Hart and give Raffy a one-time, take it or leave it offer. If he balks again, you move on without him. No long, tortured hand-wringing, no “oh, my kids like here in school, crap.” We don’t want him for 2004, so it’s two months, hopefully the playoffs and he’s off to find a new American League team that he can DH for. I’ve got news for Palmeiro, though. The Rangers don’t want him back either, so he might as well audition for a new club with the Cubs.

The Cubs would then send Hee Seop Choi back to Des Moines for a month, where he could play and hang out at Panda Express and whatever. A sane team would waive either Lenny Harris or Troy O’Leary and use Choi as a pinch hitter and sometime starter. But no. Dusty already uses those clowns ahead of Choi now. Guh.

The Cubs took advantage of some guy named Jim Brower, who was starting in place of an ouchy Kirk Rueter. They got four in the first and then looked like they didn’t want to score again for a while. But then Sammy launched one and Carlos did a little dance when he got Barry Bonds out with the bases loaded and all was well in Cubdom for another day.

The Astros lost and didn’t trade for any pitching help.
The Cardinals lost and didn’t trade for any pitching help.

They’re trying to give us the division for chrissakes. Take it!

Meanwhile, the Sox are setting their fans up for a fall…again. I honestly don’t know how they’re going to blow it, but trust me…they are going to blow it. The Royals are falling apart, the Twins are showing no urgency and the Sox have won 12 of 13. But something doesn’t smell right. If you were handicapping the race, the Sox would be a big favorite from here to the end of the season. But they don’t do well when put in that position.

Yesterday was Carlos Zambrano’s turn to annoy Barry Bonds.

Sammy says, “I told you so.” Actually, he probably said, “I told you so. Buddy.”

Phil Rogers can’t figure out why the Astros and Cardinals didn’t do anything.

Felipe Alou doesn’t like it when teams “give up” at the deadline. Uh, Felipe, you just a starting pitcher because the Orioles “gave up.” Shhhhhh.

Rick Morrissey thinks the big, bad Sox just pooped on the Royals dream season.

Palmeiro can’t decide. Moron.

Mark Grace is saying goodbye to Wrigley this weekend. Promise? I hope Sammy raps him in the skull with a corked bat.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say it’s nice to have Sammy back. Or something.

John Jackson on Ryan Baker. Is he one of Dusty’s other kids?

Dez White is not all thumbs. He only has eight of them.

Andre Miller is a Nugget. Big whoop.

Kordell Lupus is a big Rashaan Salaam fan. Steeee-rike two!

Cue the Timmy Lupus photo:

I don’t even hardly remember why we call him Kordell Lupus (oh, it’s because of the scars on his face that could have been caused by a childhood bout with lupus), but I love this picture.

Jayson Stark thinks the Red Sox did well.

Adrian Wojianariskiskyskee loves the Boy Genius.

Underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli on Patrick Ramsey. As Steve Spurrier can tell you. He’s no Rex Grossman.

We’re number 18!

Aaron Boone is a Yankee. Excuse me while I pause to vomit on myself.

Ted Casablanca with his weekly gossip fest. He has news on my girlfriend, Kylie Minogue and on that creepy frog guy from “Unfaithful.” When you’re so irritating in a movie that Richard Gere seems sympathetic by comparison, you’re a complete hack.

Wait a minute, a Springer guest was real? I thought they were all actors?

When it comes to bidding on Hitler’s penis, there’s really no limit, is there?

Britney Spears is going to play Daisy Duke in a “Dukes of Hazzard” movie? Karry just said, “There is not enough hand lotion in the world.”

Toronto fans threw garbage at Justin Timberlake last night. Yay!

Ah-nuld has not made up his mind, apparently, on running for Gov, and now he’s going to announce it on Leno next week. Hey, I’ll have to make sure not to watch!

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