You know your team is hanging on by its fingernails when:

1) Every time you get a one run lead you do a rain dance.
2) Mark Grudzielanek is lost for four weeks and you weep uncontrollably.
3) Lenny Harris is released and puts a curse on the team.
4) Augie Ojeda is recalled from Iowa.
5) You need three scoreless innings of relief from El Pulpo to win a game.

Sure, the Sox are the big story in Chicago right now because they’re in second place and because they just got beat 18-2 in the last two games of their road trip. Oops.

But if you’ve come here for Sox analysis you need to hit Google and find another place. I have some suggestions.

www.trailerparkhotties.com
www.banjomusic.com/soxfans
www.thecubssuckandwehatethembecausetheysuck.com
www.shortbus.com/chisox

You’re welcome.

It was quite a weekend series with the Diamondbacks, though. Friday’s game took eight hours to play and we got about six back-to-back “You Gotta See This” episodes. Yeah, that’s quality TV.

The highlights included Curt Schilling falling victim to the one man rally that is Lenny Harris. Or something.

Chip Caray’s incredible call of Lenny’s mad dash home on a sac fly to shallow right field. The throw from Raul Mondesi to home was so bad that the catcher, Rod Barajas, had to run up the first base line to catch the throw. Chip screamed, “And nobody’s covering home plate! How does that happen? The Cubs get a HUGE break!” Then, Steve Stone calmly explained to Chippy that Barajas had been covering home and had to go “catch” the throw. Yikes.

Chip’s weekend only got more astute. Later on in that game he said, “The big crowd that is here has gone home.”

Yesterday he said, “Mark Grace is one of the greatest Cubs players of all-time.”

No. He was good for a long time. But that makes you good. Not great.

Anyway, on Friday three amazing things happened, two of them involving our buddy El Pulpo.

First, E-ramis Ramirez scored from first on a double to tie the game in the 11th, after the Cubs had fallen behind by two runs. He scored on a Troy O’Leary double. What were the odds of that?

Then, Pulpo pitched three scoreless innings of relief. Huh? Really? No way. Really?

He also executed the first sac bunt of his career during that stint. For him, it was as good as it’s ever going to get. Which is not saying much.

He was also on deck when E-ramis drove in the winning run in the 14th with a “single” over Raul Mondesi’s head. Somewhere, E-ramis will frame a large picture of the celebration after his first game-winning hit as a Cub, and Pulpo will always be immortalized in it, with a two-sizes too small batting helmet on his head and his six fingers crammed into five finger batting gloves. That’s a work of art.

Pulpo’s stint was not without boos. He made a horribly slow attempt to field a bunt in his second inning of work and got booed pretty loudly.

Saturday’s game was memorable for the horde of locusts (ok, gnats) that decended on the ballpark. It was also memorable because Steve Lyons made sure we got to see how hot his second (or third?) wife is. And, Thom Brennaman got to interview Glenallen Hill in the seventh inning and Glenallen didn’t say anything. Man, Fox can really cover a game, can’t they?

Regular Joe crapped that game away by giving up a ninth inning homer to Alex Cintron. Alex Cintron?

I wanted to hate Alex, but I can’t. He was the guy who put Scott Rolen out of the playoffs last year when he bumped into him on the bases during the first round series between Arizona and the Cardinals. Muahahahahahahahahaha!

By the way, who do Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons broadcast for, usually? I could hardly tell it was the Diamondbacks. Except for a few “we’s” and some fawning over Mark Grace for no reason.

Thom’s lounge act is actually more repulsive than Chip’s. And Lyons is an absolute moron. They say in comedy that your last desperate act will be dropping your pants on stage for a laugh. Lyons did that ten years ago in Detroit. Go away, Steve. I mean, I’d rather have Rex Hudler. And that’s saying something.

Mark Grudzielanek broke his hand in Saturday’s game. Meaning that the Cubs had not only lost the great Lenny Harris (given his walking papers in favor of pitcher Sergio Meat Tray) that day, but Gruddy, too. I think Lenny put a voodoo hex on the team. And we though he’d stop hurting us when he left.

On Sunday, Dusty went insane and started Troy O’Leary in left field. But he also started Hee Seop Choi at first base, and the kid responded with what we’ve said all along. He hasn’t forgotten how to hit, he just hasn’t been given much of a chance since he came off the DL. He got two hits and drew a walk. Eric Karros is hitting .380 over his last 30 games, so you’ve got to ride the hot hand. But eventually, Choi will have to hit for this team to win this year. The good news is, he looks like he will.

In the sixth inning on Sunday, the Cubs trailed the Diamondbacks 1-0, and though Matt Clement had only given up one hit, the skies were darkening and you wondered if there’d be a seventh, eighth or ninth inning. Damian Miller walked to load the bases with two outs and Clement came up. Would Dusty pinch hit for Clement? While Dave Otto (filling in for Stone) and Chip complained that the only lefty bats on the bench were Ojeda (bad) and Paul Bako (worse), didn’t Dusty have Moises Alou over there? Screw the lefty-righty advantage.

But Dusty figured there would be a seventh, eighth and ninth and left Clement in. I was fine with that decision. What I wasn’t fine with was Clement swinging hopelessly at three balls in the dirt. Sigh.

In the end, Dusty looked like a genius. Kenny Lofton singled to lead off the seventh. He was on second when Sammy came up. The day before, Lyons had said about six times that the man he feared the most in the Cubs lineup was not Sosa, but Alou. Lyons is a moron. Sammy’s only the greatest slugger in team history. He slugged one into the first row of seats in left and the Cubs won 2-1. Choke on that, Psycho.

Maybe we haven’t noticed, but the Cubs are playing pretty well since the All-Star Break. Other than a two game flop in Philadelphia, they’ve won two of three in every three game series (over Florida, Houston, San Francisco and Arizona), and they split two games in Atlanta. That makes them 9-7, which isn’t great, but considering the opponents you have to be encouraged.

The Franchise is set to make his return tomorrow night in San Diego, and the Padres might just help the Cubs out in September, too.

Rumors persist that the Padres are about to pull the trigger on a trade that would send Xavier Nady, Oliver Perez and Kevin Jarvis to Pittsburgh for Brian Giles and Jason Kendall. Assuming that happens after the Cubs leave town on Thursday, that helps the Cubs. How?

The Cubs play the Pirates seven times in the last ten games of the season. I wouldn’t mind playing them without Giles. Would you?

However, I’m skeptical this deal will happen during the season. If I’m a major league owner and a team tries to pass a good, young, cheap player like Nady through waivers, I claim him. Same with Perez. And, I would think somebody would claim Giles. I have no doubt that Kendall and Giles will be Padres on opening day 2004, but it’ll surprise me if it happens before that. But if it does, the Cubs should stand and applaud.

Last night’s “Project Greenlight” included one of the greatest scenes in the series’ short history. It involved a visit to the set by executive producer Ben Affleck and his fiancee, Jennifer Lopez. Rumors persist that J Lo treats Ben like crap, but that he won’t break up with her because…he gets to have sex with Jennifer Lopez! I think we saw actual proof on last night’s show. It involved Ben talking with the film’s producer, Jeff Balis about the film’s star Shia LaBeuf. Ben joked, “He stole my name. I was going to be Ben LaBeuf.” J Lo looked at him and not only didn’t give him a courtesy laugh, she literally glared at him for trying to be funny. Muahahahahahahaha.

Yeah, that’s a romance for you.

What was Kobe Bryant thinking when he decided that going to Teen Choice Awards was a good idea. Isn’t Kobe charged with sexually assualting a teenager? Didn’t he marry his wife when she was a teenager? Perhaps Kobe should hang out with a little older crowd for a while and try and rehab that image.

Any volunteers? Ladies?

There you go, Kobe.

—

Sammy was all the Cubs needed yesterday.

Dusty says The Francise will be on a “performance count” tomorrow night. Is that like what Mike Ditka was on when he tested that new boner medicine?

Mark Buherle turned back the clock…to April.

Teddy Greenstein looks at the schedules for the Sox and Royals. He ought to be checking out the Twins.

Rick Morrissey tries to be funny. And fails.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say nice things about the Cubs. Honest. He did.

Augie’s back, but Jim Hendry didn’t encourage him to end his lease in Des Moines. Hendry’s going to be looking for somebody to play second for a month. The usual suspects include likely waiver cleared guys like Eric Young, Mark Loretta, Ron Belliard and Mike Gantner. (That joke might be funny only to me. But check out the ex-Brewers second base fodder). Chip Caray has a different idea for how the Cubs could fill the void at second.

Why did it take the Hall of Fame so long to induct Hank Stram? One interesting tidbit. Hank’s bust looks even more authentic, because he gave them one of his hairpieces to bronze on top of it.

The Cartoon Network is going to have a Star Wars cartoon. It’s just like the last two movies. It has no plot, bad dialogue and the characters are one dimensional. Literally.

Jay Leno will be on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Let’s hope his makeover includes his writing staff.

Need cash? Get paid to let toilet paper makers watch you dump. My favorite toilet paper is Charmin, because they have the “does a Bear crap in the woods” campaign.

When I heard Madonna did a “Gap ad” I thought it was for an orthodontist.

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