In 1998 Edward Burns made the third of his so-called Long Island trilogy. Following up on the very funny The Brothers McMullen, and the pretty good She’s The One, he made the movie No Looking Back. It starred him, Lauren Holly, Jon Bon Jovi (seriously), Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom and Connie Brittan. The only one who acted worth a damn was Jon Bon Jovi. That ought to tell you all you need to know about the quality of the movie.
The original title of the movie was “Long Time, Nothing’s Changed”, which was a great title in my opinion and far superior to the one the movie studio went with. But honestly, you could have called this movie “Mandy Moore Naked on a Couch” and it wouldn’t have sold any tickets, that’s how bad it was.
So what does this have to do with anything?
The Cubs are at the stage of the season where we know that “No Looking Back” would be a fitting title, and we just hope that at the end of the season, we don’t wish they’d just named the damn thing “Long Time, Nothing’s Changed”, just to have saved us the aggravation.
Last night was a big game. You could tell it was a big game because Chip Caray broke out the word “preponderance” twice in the first three innings. As in, “The preponderance of Cubs fans wish Chip would go to Sea World this morning and be eaten by Shamu.”
It was Kerry Wood versus Adam Eaton, and unless I missed the memo I think Steve’s assertion that Eaton is a great young pitcher was a little excessive. The Cubs offense very often has the ability to make pitchers with less talent than Shawn Boskie look like Tom Seaver.
Has any announcer ever been more obsessed with “visibility” than Steve Stone? At least three times a week he goes on and on about how poor the visibility is for the hitter, or how poor it’s about to become. Just give it a rest already.
I give Steve credit for a funny line though. They showed Sammy standing in right field in the middle of the only sunny patch in the whole outfield and Chip said something smarmy like “Look what Sammy’s got deal with out there with the sun field.” Steve said, “Well, considering the sunny area is about five feet wide, I’d think Sammy could figure out a way to avoid it.”
Earlier in the night I was watching Dontrelle Willis pants the Cardinals and Joe Buck and Al Hrabosky were setting a trap for the Cubs and morons like us. They know the Cardinals suck. They can’t pitch at all, and their offense, as powerful as it can be, doesn’t hit on all cylinders as often as it should. They have no realistic shot at the playoffs. The Cubs passed them last night and might just drop the hammer and leave them in the dust. So Joe and Al started talking up the Cubs. Joe said you have to consider the Cubs the favorite now because they have the best pitching and have helped their offense. Al said if he was Jim Hendry he’d start spending some of the farm system and try and win the whole thing right now. But Al couldn’t help it, he added, “Because once every century they get a chance to win something, and this might be it.”
I actually like it when the Cardinals announcers talk smack. As you can tell, I love it myself. It’s fun. What I hate is that Chip is such a pansy he can’t ever engage in it himself. If the Cubs had an announcer with any semblance of actual wit, it’d be a lot more fun.
But I don’t think Joe and Al believe the Cubs are the best team in the division. I think they still think the Cardinals are. They think the Cubs will flop again and it will be fun to be able to say, “Wow, we didn’t see that coming.”
But they’re wrong.
The Cubs have 50 games left and they need to make up three games on the Astros.
If I were in Houston, I’d be worried. If I were in St. Louis…I’d be married to my first cousin and driving my house to work.
Mike Murphy likes go on and on about how Kerry Wood is the Cubs fourth best starter. Look, Matt Clement has done a nice job lately, and Carlos Zambrano has turned into a stud, but when the playoffs roll around I want The Franchise and Woody 1-2. No discussion.
How great was that moment in the sixth inning when Woody got screwed on a pitch and swore as he took the throw back from Damian Miller. He turned around and walked up the mound and when he turned around, the home plate umpire Larry Vanover was standing there with his mask off yelling at Kerry. Fox got a little too close to Kerry and you could see him say (clear as day), “Put your f@#$ing mask back on!” I thought Chip was going to pass out.
One of the fun things to watch is how hard the Cubs pitching staff makes it on the first and third base umpires. They throw some serious hard stuff and you get a lot of checked swings. A couple weeks ago we had the Jeff Kent meltdown when he got run up without an appeal and last night Phil Nevin nearly completely disrobed trying to get himself tossed from the game. He finally had to throw the dugout garbage can on the field to get the thumb. But when you watch somebody else play baseball, you notice just how many fewer check swing appeals there are than in most Cubs games. Let’s just say in a Tigers-Devil Rays game, most guys are just flailing and bailing.
Here at Desipio, Karry Ling tries the same thing when he wants to go home early. He’ll start running around and swearing and eventually when he gets desperate he’ll take a big toner drum out of the copy machine and shove it down his pants. That usually gets him the gate.
The White Sox have moved to within a game of the Royals, and thanks to a pretty lenient judge, William Ligue will indeed be around for the playoff push. Let’s see, he ran onto the field and punched out an old man and he didn’t get any jail time. Let’s just hope that judge doesn’t decide to coach first base for a prison softball team.
I loved how ESPN and Fox Sports and every other network hyped up their live coverage of the Kobe Bryant court apperance yesterday. Every legal expert worth their salt (and those of us who skipped classes to watch the OJ trial) could tell you that nothing would happen at that hearing. And guess what? That’s what happened. Nothing.
Meanwhile, on The Tonight Show Arnold Schwarzenegger declared his candidacy for governor of California. Until Rod Blagojevich proved his knowledge of all-things Cub this summer I’d have had a field day with the dumb governor jokes I could have made about him. Ahh, I’m sure I’ll be able to think of some anyway.
After his younger buddy pitched so well Tuesday, the heat was on Kerry.
Palmeiro is playing amateur GM. Screw him.
Prior says even though he pitched well, he wouldn’t have been ready before Tuesday.
The Sox have creeped to within a game of the Royals.
When I get caught in a hotel room with a dead hooker and 14 pounds of coke, I want Judge Leo Holt to hear my case.
Was that out loud?
Chris Villarrial felt a twinge in his left groin yesterday. Congratulations! Wait, you mean that’s not good?
The quest for eighth in the Big Ten starts.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to flog the Ligue judge.
I love Sammy Sosa, but he doesn’t deserve to get that contract redone. If he walks after the season, I get on the speed dial to Vladimir Guerrero.
Or Lisa Guererro for that matter.
Eric Karros won’t say it, but he thinks the Dodgers are dopes.
If Tony Womack is the answer, the question has to be, “Who can we get to play second base who can’t hit, can’t get on base and can’t field?”
Check out this absolute phone-it-in travesty from the Anti-Christ. It’s like he did his homework on the school bus on his way to school. It’s basically a recitation of the standings. He gets paid for this? Just another reason why he’s pure evil.
Sports Guy got to meet Fred Lynn. Just check out the name dropping he’s up to now. When you name drop your boss’ name, “my friend Jimmy”, it’s out of hand. And when you’re actually name dropping Jimmy Kimmel, it’s sad.
Jim “I haven’t had an original thought in 14 years” Caple likes Wrigley. Now I feel validated.
Honestly he never was Hilario, he wasn’t even funny.
We’re number 17! That’s about 16 too low, but it’s a start.
Ben and J Lo say they’re still together. Yeah, but nobody believes them.
If ratings were votes, he’d already be Governor Ah-nuld. He’s going to win. If he proves to be mildly competent as a campaigner, his name alone gets him in.
I want one of those erroneous $48 million dollar checks. I love how when a bank screws up they expect to be forgiven but if you or I screw up they nail our ass to the wall.
A Texas man went in for bladder surgery and had his…um…oh, just read it.
Gary Coleman is running for governor, too. Oh, that’s just so…cute?
America’s finest news source on the California recall.
Al Hrabosky’s infatuation and hatred of all things Cub has reached the point of embarrassing. I’ve seen him at the Cardinal Nation pep rallies telling Cub joke after Cub joke. In addition to being the biggest party in the history of the United States, a Cubs World Series would force these dolts to come up with something new to chirp about. They’re banged up, they’ve spent a lot of money, and their farm system is awful. They know there’s trouble ahead. We’ll see how many hillbillies flock to Busch after a couple of 75-win seasons.
Although I’m a killer whale, I don’t actually kill people.
I might make an exception of Mr. Caray, but I surely won’t be eating him.
Blecch.
For the first three or four innings, I don’t expect any of Dolan’s jokes to connect. The crowd’s not drunk enough and it’s a tough sun field out there, even for quips and barbs.
If you can pitch quickly you can get five or even six innings of jokes and photos of half naked women in, before the lights take effect and the opponent can get any good swings in.
Shamu, you wuss! Back in the 70’s I killed a bunch of people, including Richard Harris and Bo Derek! I’ll take the job of killing Chip. Somebody’s going to have to lure him into the ocean though.
Looks like the suns about to come out.
Lure Chip into the water…hmmm. How about if I put on my thong and jump in myself. I’m confident that Chip will follow me ANYWHERE.
Here’s a Desipio exclusive draft of my report on Busch:
St. Louis is primarily known for two things. The Arch and the Cardinals. What most visitors realize shortly after arriving is that both of them are equally inhospitable to visit.
1. Access: Hey, there’s plenty of parking. But there are two problems with that: 1) the price gouging, 2) you’re going to be stuck in one of those garages for a long time. Alternative access is the Metro. The good news is that it’s relatively cheap. The bad news is the parking at any of the Metro stops isn’t much better. 2
2. Exterior architecture: Once Philadelphia blows up Veterans Stadium, Busch will be the last Concrete Donut left. That ought to be worth something shouldn’t it? Maybe in 20 years it will have some historical value. It’ll be a great way to educate your kids about that 60ish/70ish horrible multi-sport facility era. 1
3. Ticket price/availability/location: You want tickets? They’re available. St. Louisans often brag on themselves for being baseball’s best fans. That’s a dubious self-awarded distinction that isn’t roundly recognized elsewhere. But, there’s no denying that they have the best scalpers. And, they’re friendly and helpful too. I was accosted no less than 17 times in a two block walk to the stadium. 5
4. Interior Architecture: The House that Augie built is more attractive on the inside than the outside, slightly. At least they finally put grass in the place. The sight lines are perfect, for football. But, if you’ve got a seat down the line you better have a chiropractic appointment lined up for the next day. 2
5. Quality of hot dogs: It’s the worst $5.50 you’ll ever spend in your life. And, be careful, it might be the LAST $5.50 you spend in your life. 1
6. Quality/selection of other concession-stand fare: The nachos and pretzels will have you pining for the hot dogs. 1
7. Signature Concession Item: That would be the foot long. 1/2
8. Beer: You better like Bud. 2
9. Bathrooms: The one thing about the old classics that can be improved upon are the bathrooms. And, you would think a guy who was making beer for a living would understand the concept of needing plenty of them. Alas, they got that one wrong, too. The only line that you’ll stand in that’s longer is the one where they search anyone that has anything on them larger than a wallet before they can get into the stadium. 1
10. Scoreboard: They have a huge videoboard that’s much appreciated by the local fans. When they fall asleep and are woken up by stadium fireworks after a local boy makes good they get to catch the action on the replay. And, they play cute little hat dance routines between innings that get louder roars than anything that happens on the field. 4
11. Quality of public address system: No trouble hearing the U-Man. Unless they’ve got the wave going. 4
12. Fun stuff to do besides the game: Umm… Well… There’s the aforementioned Hat Dance. There’s the attendance quiz. One of the tween inning babes might shoot a hot dog to you. And, it is an excellent place for people watching. I mean it. Keep your eye on them. 2
13. Price/selection of baseball souvenirs: Buy your kids some crap before you get in there or you’ll regret it. There is one must have item that’s available, it’s the 1982 Championship team poster. More mullets there than at half-price night at the Cell. 2
14. Friendliness and helpfulness of usher staff: They ride the Metro over from East St. Louis. So what do you think? 1
15. Trading-up factor: Moving around is pretty easy. LA always gets the bum rap for “fans†that leave so early in the game. But, St. Louis is highly unappreciated in that regard. And, you can pretty much count on all the Card fans leaving if they go to the bullpen with anything less than a 5 run lead. 4
16. Seat comfort: I hope you don’t mind that constant feeling that at any moment your butt is going to slip off that precarious perch and slam onto the concrete. Apparently there’ve been so many fat asses wearing the supports down over the years, the seats are just not level anymore. 1
17. Knowledge of local fans: This is where you’ll get a lot of dispute from the locals. They like to pride themselves on their supposed knowledge of the game. And, their local celebrities are always drilling into their heads that they are. Problem is, 90% of them can’t name more than two National League players that aren’t Cardinals. They know Bonds and Sosa, and that’s it. The only American League player they know of is Giambi, and they only remember him because he’s the reason they got stuck with Tino. 1.5
18. Take Me Out to the Ballgame moment: This is certainly one area of improvement. These days they show and old video of Jack Buck on the Jumbotron signing the classic at Wrigley field. Previously during the 7th inning stretch when it was just the fans who were singing they had to scroll the lyrics on the Jumbotron so “baseball’s most knowledgable fans†could keep up. 4
19. Pre-and-postgame bar-and-restaurant scene: If you want to risk your life walking around downtown St. Louis after a game in an effort to find a beer that’s only 50 cents less than the price in the stadium, good luck, buddy. I’m getting the hell out of there. 1
20. Wild Card: At least a large contingent of fans have tired of “The Geniusâ€. 5
Sorry you Cubs fans don’t like Al Hrabosky. Maybe my website, http://www.alhrabosky.com (I am not making this up) will change your perception of me, Al Hrabosky, as a self-aggrandizing vapid geo-centric asshole. You can see pictures of my Rolaids Fireman of the Year trophies. But who’s braggin’? Not me, Al Hrabosky.
You watched that horrible movie last night too, Andy?
Spot on, the hideous JBJ was the best actor in the whole thing; although Ms. Holly and her fake cheekbones are holding up well.
Only in a movie he wrote would that pencil Ed Burns bogart one of my ladies. And to think he lifted the plot from one of my songs (which I lifted from Springsteen). Make fun of me all you want, but I’m not the one watching Oxygen.
Wasn’t his name "Nene" anyway?
And Hilario is only pronoucing it that way as I was the original "knee-knee" at the Nuggets. It’s a blanant rip-off, and trust me, I know a ripped-off ACL when I hear one.
Maybe the "Related Information" at the bottom of the piece gives us the answer – Nuggets hire Micheal Ray Richardson.
Nature has placed mankind under the governance of two sovereign masters, pain and pleasure. It is for them alone to point out what we ought to do, as well as to determine what we shall do. by texas holdem