Sometimes you watch a team enough and you get a distinct impression that they “always” do something.  The Bulls “always” blow big leads and let teams back into games.  The Bears “always” complete four yard passes on third and six.

Albert Pujols “always” needs a bigger hat and shoes in the spring than he did the spring before.  Stuff like that.

Well this year if you bemoaned that the Cubs bullpen pitchers “always” walk the first batter they face, you’d be wrong.

But you wouldn’t be wrong by much.

Six weeks of statistics are not enough to base any profound findings on, but when the numbers are this bad, they have to point to something significant, right?

I put the crack Desipio researchers on the case and they came up with numbers on the first batter Cubs relievers faced when they came into games.

It didn’t matter if the batter led off an inning or if the reliever came in during the inning, we just wanted to know what the Cubs reliever did with the first batter they faced.

Let’s just say that if you are Neal Cotts, you might want to stop having someone read this to you.

Friday night was a good example of this bullpen at its finest.

The Outlaw Randy Wells muddled through five scoreless innings (and about 1200 pitches) and the Cubs were up 2-0 when he left.  Angel Guzman, one of the relievers who is actually getting people out, pitched two innings and gave up a homer.

But there the Cubs were in the bottom of the eighth with a 2-1 lead in a game that E-ramis Ramirez had left his shoulder in a little pile right behind third base.

Aaron Heilman came in and walked the first batter he faced, Midget Face Corey Hart.

He threw a wild pitch to get Midget Face to second.

Then he gave up a bomb to Ryan Braun.  Cubs trail 3-2.

He zipped through the rest of the inning, but the Cubs didn’t put up much of a fight in the ninth against 147 year old Trevor Hoffman.

The homer was bad enough, but the walk is what killed them, and it’s happened too often, and to pretty much everybody in the bullpen.

Even Carlos Marmol.

In fact, Marmol is the one of the biggest offenders.  The first batter he’s faced has reached base nine times in 15 plate apparances.  That’s a .600 OBA.  Four of those are walks.  Four of those nine batters have scored.

But he pales next to Cotts.  Neal is legendary at this.  His efficiency can not be matched.  If the object of baseball was to make things as difficult on yourself and your team as possible, Neal Cotts would be Cy Fucking Young.  The first batter Cotts has faced in an inning has reached base ten times in 15 tries, that’s a .667 OBA.  Take that, Marmol!  That includes SIX walks and a hit batsman.  Holy crap.  If he doesn’t walk you or hit you, you still have a three in eight chance (.375 batting average) of getting on base with a hit.  Four of those ten have scored.  Having Neal Cotts as your lone bullpen lefty is one hell of a way to win a pennant.

If you think Aaron Heilman sucks, well, I’m not going to argue with you.  Nine of the 17 first batters faced have reached, five of them have walked.  (.529 on base average.)  Four of them have scored.

You want an illustration of what suck is, check out the results in order of Heilman and Cotts’ first batters.  Bold means the batter scored.

Heilman: walk, single, walk, single, out, out, homer, out, walk, out, out, out, double, out, out, walk, walk

Cotts: out, out, single, hit by pitch, walk, walk, single, walk, out, homer, out, walk, walk, out, walk

How about our rookie Rule V’er?  Yes, he’s young and inexperienced, but he shows the moxie of a veteran when it comes to sabotaging his team’s chance of winning.  Six of twelve have reached base, but he only walked one!  But three of the six scored.

Is anybody actually good at this?

Well, after a rough start, Angel Guzman has been pretty tough.  Four of his first eight batters faced reached base (.500) but since then only one of his last nine have (.111) and only two have scored.

Kevin Gregg hasn’t walked the first batter he’s faced yet.  He’s allowed four of 14 to reach base (.285) and two scored.  He gave up a run on opening night, and a homer later on in April.  Only two of the last eight have reached and neither scored.  Don’t worry, there’s still time for him to join the rest of this clownish bunch.

I’d be amazed if anyone can match the cool, veteran efficiency of Chad Fox.  He pitched twice this year, walked the first man both times, and that batter scored both times (1.000 OBA!) Alas, his arm committed suicide on the mound Saturday night.  So he’s done.  Until, by his normal pace, June of 2012.  I’ll never understand why Hendry let Fox treat the Cubs like his own personal fantasy camp the last two years.  He must have pictures of Hendry, naked, with a party sub.  Then again, who doesn’t?

Jeff Samardzija got sent back to Iowa for far less than what Cotts has been up to, but he was bad, too.  He allowed two of the five first batters faced to reach, both scored, but only one got a hit and none of them walked.  He did hit one, though.

Lou doesn’t really have much to trust down there right now.  Guzman seems to be pitching well, and Gregg has been better than our beloved Kerry Wood has been in Cleveland (13 hits in 11 innings, 6.55 ERA, but only one blown save and a good 16-5 K/BB), and Marmol likes to set himself up for disaster, but mostly gets out of it.  Seven of Marmol’s last eight first batters faced have reached (three walks, a homer, a single and the last two have doubled), but he’s managed to strand the last three who reached.  Yay?

The Cubs are 17-14, which begs the question, “How did they ever win seventeen?”  And last year at this time they were 18-13.

One thing we know about Lou, he’ll get something figured out.  If he dug the 2007 Cubs out of the morass (at this point they were 16-15, but starting to slide), he can do it with a more talented team.  I mean he will figure this out, right?  Please?

The loss of E-ramis hurts, of course.  He’s probably the only player they can’t replace with a reasonable facsimilie.  But there’s no reason a team with a deep starting pitching staff shouldn’t be able to stick to the Cardinals (their starting pitching is beginning to crumble–or rather return to its true level–they’ve allowed six runs or more in six of their last eight games), or the Brewers (still too righthanded and their starting pitching is actually worse than the Cardinals) or the Reds (dude!)

But things would be a lot easier if this godforsaken bullpen would start getting the first batter out.

Just so you know, the bullpen as a whole has put up this whopping line.

102 first batters faced, 48 have reached base (22 walks, two hit by pitch, 24 hits–think about that, half of those batters didn’t have to hit to get on), .470 on base average and 23 of those 48 batters scored.

And the only guy to escape unscathed…new Indian Luis Vizcaino.  Who knew?