There’s an interesting dynamic going on over at the new Chicago Now blogs. It’s almost as if the guys who are running the place, and blogging there, have never actually written or even seen a blog before.
Every media group who decides to do “one of those blog things on the Interwebs” but doesn’t mean they “get” the concept.
The ones who don’t understand the concept fall into one of two categories. Either they ignore the comments of the readers or don’t bother to publish them (Phil Rogers) or they go the other way. Dave Kaplan is so far “the other way” he’s disappeared over the horizon.
When his blog first appeared it was a laughable. It was Larry King esque, he just fired off a bunch of hackneyed notions about Chicago sports. Kermit and I actually raced to see who could rip it apart first. He won. So he got to write the column, while I was stuck just replying to the one Kap had. (Damn you, Kermit!)
It all seemed like it was going to be good natured fun. He’d write dumb things, I’d write about how dumb they were, rinse, repeat.
I know that Gordon Wittenmyer is still mad at me, but even he had the good sense not to fire off a pissy “don’t pick on me” e-mail to me. He just tells people he’d like to punch me. Now that’s the mature way to handle it.
(By the way, I did get an e-mail from a Chicago media member who billed a Wittenmyer appearance on SportsCentral as “douche on douche crime.”)
The first step in this process was for Jimmy Greenfield (you’ve seen his work draped over homeless people on chilly Chicago evenings) the “Chicago Now content manager” to try to get me to knock it off, mainly by calling me “Desip.”
Am I supposed to start calling him Greenf? Greenfi? I have no idea.
Jimmy’s going to have his hands full later this summer when the prodigal columnist moves over to the Tribune side and he gets to wrangle those commenters. He’s going to pray for one as polite as me when that happens.
Yesterday, I e-mailed Jimmy to see if he had any comment on the open secret that Mariotti’s coming to the Tribune, and I got this for a response.
Fr: jgreenfield@tribune.com
To: andy@desipio.com
Re: Mariotti’s Chicago Now blogI really like the Tribune-approved logo on your blog, Desip. It’s nice
to know the Trib’s endorsement means so much to you.Cheers,
Jimmy
I do enjoy the fact that Paul Sullivan likes Desipio. So, I guess the answer is, “Thanks?”
But I’m pretty sure it means Mariotti’s start date is July 1.
Here’s where things get interesting. Yesterday, Kaplan wrote a piece about how panicked Cubs fans would be if Mark DeRosa was traded from the Indians to the Cardinals. The DeRosa debate has been waged, it’s been bludgeoned to death and run over by Cubs blogs the world around.
Mark DeRosa is a nice player who had his two best (or at least two of his three best–he had that one big one in Texas) seasons as a Cub. The reasons he was traded have been kicked to death. The Cubs wanted to free up money to add a lefty bat, they worried that Kosuke was going to suck again and decided to add a lefty hitting right fielder and have Fontenot play second on the cheap. We get it.
DeRosa hasn’t exactly set the world on fire in Cleveland. He’s hitting .260 he made an AL leading six errors at third and in the newly shuffled Indians infield he’s back to playing second. Kap said the thought would send shivers up the spines of Cubs fans, and he said that Hendry can’t add payroll but later on that he was still trying to trade to help out the team.
Anyway, I wrote this:
I know that sent shivers up my spine.
You just linked to a blog, not exactly the Cleveland Indians Web site.
Or you could have linked to this: http://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2009/06/indians-not-in-selling-mode.html
But even if the Indians do eventually trade DeRosa to the Cardinals, you’re talking about a guy hitting .262 who leads the AL with seven errors and his OPS had dropped nearly 100 points since last year.
But my favorite part is when you write “don’t expect that deal to happen because the Cubs have zero room to add salary until their ownership situation is resolved.”
This after at least two posts last week where you breathlessly “reported” that sources had told you that Hendry was looking all over to add a bat.
Oh, then not to be outdone, ONE PARAGRAPH later you write, “Here’s hoping that Jim Hendry is given the greenlight to make a few moves to upgrade the club over the next 4-6 weeks which should coincide with Ramirez’s return and give the Cubs a real shot in the arm as they head into the second half of the season.”
So which is it?
And, I get an e-mail from Kaplan.
Fr: dlkaplan@tribune.com
To: andy@desipio.com
RE: [Kap’s Corner] New Comment added to “Uh Oh…Could Mark DeRosa Be Headed to the Cardinals?You know what, if you want to be a jerk go do it somewhere else. They did add a player in Freel who is now also hurt. Hendry is indeed calling around looking for a bat but he would move salary back in the same deal so the payroll would basically stay the same. That is a concept which you obviously don’t understand.
In addition, what don’t you understand about hoping to get the green light to make some moves once the ownership situation is cleared up? You obviously don’t like me and that’s fine. Just don’t write to me and we’ll go our separate ways. You are nothing but a jerk to me and that’s your right. Just stay away from me.
Kap
I love the fact that apparently I’m picking on him, and not only that, he thinks that when someone posts on a blog that they must have to get in the little wire from the computer to the wall and run to that person’s computer to post it, so that I’d have to “stay away” from him.
But then he e-mails me to ask for my phone number so he can call me.
I figure I’ll let him calm down a little. He seems a little high strung.
He e-mails again and says he wants to have a “civil conversation.”
I’m not really that excited about the idea of giving him my cell phone number, and it’s not that I’m afraid of talking to him, what’s he going to do crawl through the handset? It just seems, what was Kermit’s word? Oh, “Creepy.” Yes, indeed.
Then today, it gets stranger. You didn’t think that was possible, did you?
He writes a column about what’s wrong with the Cubs, and spends a great deal of time bemoaning the fact that the team traded Jason Marquis. Seriously. Because Jason’s 7-3. Ugh. Why is it that the people with the simplest grasp of things are the hardest to explain things to? You’d think they’d be the easiest.
And I should have known it was going to get weird, when he mentioned me by name in the column, and he linked to my profile on Chicago Now. Why? Because it’s driving him crazy that under: Least favorite thing about Chicago: I put Dave Kaplan. Which, was a joke. Had I known that the Mariotti Express was heading into town this summer, it would have said Jay Mariotti. Because seriously, Kaplan’s in like a 14 way tie right now with Sox fans, Mike Murphy, toll plazas, etc.
So I posted this in response to his column (and if you look at the comments you’ll see that Kermit was happy to chime in, too.
Hey Kap old pal. Thanks for the mention.
So the solution to all of the Cubs problems this year would have been to have kept Jason Marquis? That’s genius. Why Jim Hendry doesn’t have you on his payroll is astounding.
Have you ever noticed (and why would you, it’s not like it’s your job) that Marquis’ first half numbers are always much better than his second half ones?
In his career he is 20 games over .500 (56-36) in the first half of seasons, with an ERA of 4.22; in the second half of seasons in his career he’s 30-37 with an ERA of 4.93. What half of the season is this?
Harden’s 4-2. Marquis is 7-3. Trying to make a case that the Cubs would have won three more games with Marquis than with Harden is something even someone as deluded as you shouldn’t attempt.
But why exactly are you spending this much time on Marquis when you were supposedly examining what’s wrong with the Cubs? Their starting pitching is not what’s wrong with them. Unless your argument is that if they’d kept Marquis that they’d have Marshall and Wells in their bullpen right now. But you can’t make that argument because you claim you wanted Marquis in the rotation and Harden pitching somewhere else.
Your Zambrano argument is just getting tired. In that epic post of yours you were trying to make the case that he can’t handle pressure. What that had to do with anything else you were trying to write is debatable, and it still has nothing to do with any of this. Besides, there’s nothing to make that argument stand up.
I’ll sit back and wait for you to send me another e-mail where you call me a jerk. I can’t get enough of those.
Did I get that e-mail? Are you kidding?
But first, he proved how cool he was by commenting that he wanted to call me, but I wouldn’t give him my number. I’m now in league with about 14,000 Chicago-area women.
His comment:
By the way, I have offered to talk with Andy Dolan of Desipio.com and asked him for a phone number to reach him at but in typical cowardly fashion he refused. Why Andy? Can’t have a civil conversation? It seems like you only want to hide behind your keyboard.
So I asked what was wrong with him? I meant it. I’m now officially worried, not about me, about him. The reason I thought the “jerk” e-mail was so funny was because it just showed somebody who’s insulated from criticism lashing out in a moment of anger, and the fact that he hadn’t said anything all that bad (no expletives, no epithets, nothing that was going to get him in trouble with his bosses) made it that much better. But now? Now, I’m just concerned.
Maybe this was his tactic? Just act a little nutty, and they’ll leave you alone. I always figured it was how Martha Stewart got through prison. The first day she threatened to make paper mache out of her cellmate’s skin and the rest of the inmates left her alone.
Fr: dlkaplan@tribune.com
To: andy@desipio.comI keep looking but I can’t seem to find where I said that Jason Marquis was the solution to all of their problems. I simply am pointing out the numbers as they sit on June 3rd. Because they don’t support your argument that Carlos Zambrano is the best pitcher in the history of the sport you decide to twist my words. Yes, I know Marquis is always better in the first half but if you READ what I wrote I said here are his numbers as of today. Again, they don’t support your guy Carlos and his underachieving performances. He does lead the league in missed flights and suspensions by a starting pitcher though. That’s worth 90 million dollars.
Clearly, my argument was that Carlos is the best pitcher in the history of the sport, but I’m the one doing the word twisting.
A few moments later, right after I replied to his blog comment where he called me a sissy for not giving him my number he sends this:
Fr: dlkaplan@tribune.com
To: andy@desipio.comThin skinned? What makes you think I am thin skinned. You seem like a die hard Cubs fan as am I. Why can’t we have a conversation about the team? You can blast me all you want. I could care less. I just thought we could talk baseball. I guess I was wrong.
Now I’m getting confused. Because Kerm is posting replies and Kap has started e-mailing him directly and Kermit is IM’ing me with Kap’s e-mailed comments and I don’t even know where to look, plus I’m trying to write this thing. All it was going to be was the e-mail where he called me a “jerk.”
So, I e-mailed back:
I don’t really believe that you don’t care, Dave.
I’m going to step away slowly and hope that your head doesn’t explode while I’m in the vicinity.
Try breathing through your mouth in short bursts. Might calm you down a little.
Oh, and it’s “Couldn’t care less.” If you “could care less” than you really don’t care that much. Right now, all you are doing is caring.
The worst thing about this?  In my witty retort, I wrote “than” instead of “then.” I just took a big dump on my joke. Not that he noticed.
OK, now he’s told Kermit to butt out and then, I swear to baby Jebus, he sends me this:
Fr: dlkaplan@tribune.com
To: andy@desipio.comInteresting article on Mariotti. Do you really think he is headed to the Tribune? BTW, I am enjoying our give and take via e-mail.
Thank you! Good night! You’ve been a great audience.
I’m so confused. Is it an act? Is he really just stirring things up? If so, it’s genius. But I just don’t think that’s it.
All I know is that if Chicago Now is this nutty when nobody’s actually reading it, what’s it going to be like when people actually are?
Oh, wait, that’s probably not going to happen, is it?
Well, time to go see if I can get this kind of reaction out of Bruce Miles…
Well, now I feel compelled to share MY personal e-mails with Kappy.
KERM:
How is he hiding behind his keyboard? You have his full name and e-mail address. You should offer him a seat on Chicago Tribune Live. I’d DVR the crap out of that.
KAP:
I am well aware that I have his e-mail. I want to talk to him on the phone.
Why won’t he take a call?
KERM:
I can’t speak for Andy, but if it were me, I’d think it was a little creepy that you wanted to talk on the phone. But that’s just me.
KAP:
Creepy? You have issues.
KERM:
You’re soliciting a dude’s phone number over the internet so you can yell at him for disagreeing with you about Carlos Zambrano. Yeah. I have issues.
KAP:
Yep, you would know. I have nothing better to do with my time than yell at someone about their opinion.
That has nothing to do with it. BTW, stay out of the discussion. This does not concern you.
KERM:
I don’t know if that’s a threat or not, but the melodrama is cracking me up. You’re one weird dude, Mr. Kaplan.
Mac is back!!!
Bye-bye Murphy, you jackass no talent!
Today, on Bipolar Spray Tan Theater…
Forget Kaplan. The real tool in all of this is obviously Jimmy Greenfield. What a pud.
Dave Kaplan: Internet Troll.
Can we sign him up for a message board account here?
I can understand being afraid to give someone your phone number. That person could steal your soul through the wires! More likely he would call you at 3:15 a.m., slurring his words and asking if you could meet him for coffee or something on a purely platonic basis.
I’ve been reading this site for a few years and for the first time, I feel moved to comment. Truly, this shit is hilarious.
BTW, after reading that, I love you and I’m back!
What happened to CB expert Harry Potter?
Allow me to climb up on my soapbox (or soapb as Ji Greenf would call it)…
This is what gets me about the “legitimate” media types – they deride bloggers as talentless weirdos whose sole ability is ripping on others and who are never held accountable for what they write. Unlike the RESPECTABLE PROFESSIONAL MEDIA.
In fact, the opposite is true. If Andy were to write a bunch of mindless garbage here, he’d get ripped on it in the comments, and (gasp!) maybe respond to said commenters and try to do better the next time. Meanwhile, the Kaplans of the world can cut off a caller or ignore a reader e-mail and go on their merry way, oblivious to their hackery. Make Kap climb down from his ivory tanning bed and interact with a few readers who point out his cluelessness, and you get a DEFCON 3 hissy fit.
Hilarious and pathetic at the same time.
You could always give him a fake phone number. Maybe an old bitchy girlfriend’s or something. Kill two birds with one stone.
Does Dave Kaplan make a habit of calling everyone who doesn’t understand what he’s getting at? That must take up most of the day.
Aisle–
Don’t you mean “Kill two birds AND STEVE Stone?”
I give Kap a bit of respect for at least giving you the time of day, being a respected Chicago sports blogger. But I’m afraid him giving you time is due to his insecurity.
And then the bizarre change of subject to discuss your entry about Mariotti is just weird. I think he’s trying to somehow convert you into a fan by befriending you and is trying to move beyond name calling and trying to have a “civil conversation” as he calls it via email since he cannot contact you via phone.
Poor Kap…he’s always seemed like a nice guy, but at the same time he really is clueless. The best thing I love about the rise of blogs as legitimate alternative media is that no longer can the traditional media get away with having ignorant, clueless, know it alls that think their writing and their opinion is the end all be all, the only opinion that is allowed because its the only opinion that is out there.
Bloggers like you can call BS on all the crappy sports writing out there. This can only help the quality of writing that sports writers produce long term. So bravo Andy, and keep on fighting the good fight.
Kaplan read me in the course of the email interchange with Andy.
Andy, give him your phone number.
When he calls and tries get across one of his clueless arguments, cut him off midsentence and then hang up on him.
I’m sure he’ll recognize the technique.
I think you should talk to him but only on the condition that it will end up as a podcast…
Pat-
I know you’re joking, but I never really had a problem with Steve Stone. He’s bitter and all anti-Cub now whenever he gets an opportunity, but the man was fired from a gig he LOVED because the manager of the team couldn’t keep his team focused on the field and not on the EXTREMELY MILD criticism coming from the broadcast booth. That’s bullshit and I’d be bitter too.
As far as Kap goes, I know a couple of people who have worked at WGN behind the scenes and they have never disputed my assertion that Kap is an arrogant, slimy, jerk who thinks he farts perfume. His attempts to “befriend” Andy are a fairly transparent attempt to dig around to find out more about Mariotti so that he can “break” the story on Sports Central or something. (Because it doesn’t count if its only on a blog.)
Another blogger versus media dick fight. When will these guys learn?
Well done Andy, I’ve always thought Kap was replaceable by anyone with a thought.
Reminds of the good ole days e-mailing the douchtard Marrioti…until of course he couldn’t win any of our arguments and blocked my e-mail. Kap is very creepy…
Andy,
You mean you don’t just give out your private phone number to anyone and everyone?
What’s wrong with you man?
Here is mine: 588-2300
Call anytime.
This whole thing is quite amusing.
I agree with Jay, have him come in for a Podcast.
This will show Kap some respect and you and Kerm can double team him as it were.
BTW: Did you hear that Twitter is disparaging Tony LaRussa’s “Good” name.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AprxichIovLj.9imD6Bmrsqpu7YF?slug=ap-larussa-twitterlawsuit&prov=ap&type=lgns
That’s an excellent phone number, #21.
call 21’s number for me.
Holy hell.
I think my brain just exploded reading that.
I don’t live anywhere close to IL so I know nothing about these guys, but this seriously had me near tears. Thanks, Andy, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.
It sounds like he read some of those shitty “How to always win arguments” or “How to turn enemies into friends” self-help books and (clumsily) used their scripted crap to show you how sharp and tactful he really is. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be his new bowling pal by now.
JDay, this is why the interblog works so well. You can dial in the web number and join us from Fairbanks Alaska if you have a good phone connection.
Call him and secretly record the conversation. See if you can make him say that he’s lying about ever injecting you with steroids. Whoops, meant to write this on Roger Clemens’ Blog.
“If you “could care less†than you really don’t care that much. ”
You screwed that comment up twice. The “than” part, of course, but your explanation, too. If someone “could care less”, then there is no way we know how much they care. I love my wife, so I could certainly care less, I just choose not to. If you couldn’t care less, then obviously you hardly care, if at all.
Concerning these fun little spats on the Internet, for people who “could care less,” well, they probably should.
My god, though, Kaplan reads like every mouth-breather on the comment-o-sphere.
I did fuck that up. But I was right that he fucked it up, then I fucked it up. I just wanted to tell him that all he was doing was caring.
Hey Andy, you want my phone number?
Don’t you have Oleg’s number, Andy? There’s something particularly funny about a befuddled Oleg getting ranted at by an incoherent Kaplan over something Oleg knows nothing about.
Why don’t we give him your number, Kurt?
What makes you think he doesn’t already have it?
Andy,
Can you inform us when you are giving Kap a hard time. I don’t want to unnecessarily drive up his web traffic.
Its been hard watching this. Dk is a personal friend going back to our vendor days in the Preston Gomez era. At the time he was a grad asst basketball coach at niu making about 8k a year. i have introduced him to both chuck and Kurt. And he has appeared at charity functions for chas. And when he asked me 3 years ago who to read on the net I actually mentioned this site. Rip on his on air talents and blogging if you must but there is nothing phony about him. His two best friends are his mother and cub hating brother. Father passed years ago and also a great guy. Btw, wgn is not the place to be innovative. We will see how Garry meier makes a living thee now that he is the age wally was when he and Steve mad a living ripping the station.
FYI. The Dallas green reference is an inside joke and Andrew I would advise you email dk again and ask what Dallas did to him in 84 while he was selling beer. Once you hear the story, you will be shocked that he even got a job w the trib
Is what Kaplan is and always has been. Shove it up your arse, Dallas.
All I know is, never trust a man who wears sportscoats and blazers as bad as Kap’s.
Plus, he always had a Marquis hard-on. Had it before he came to town. Tribesmen gotta stick together, you know.
Kaplan’s two best friends are his mom and brother? I’m shocked.
Andy,
I have been attempting to get your phone number for some time now. I wanted to share bologna sammiches and conversation about our Cubbies in the bleachers. WHY WON’T YOU CALL ME AND TREAT ME LIKE A MAN? WHY ARE YOU SO FASCINATED WITH THIS DAVE KAPLAN FELLOW AND NOT MY RAUCOUS GROUP OF PREACHING, BLATHERING AND SANCTIMONIOUS CUBBIE-BLUE BLEEDING PRICKS?
Kisses,
Al
Hey Kaplan, we’re running out of you.