Sometimes the Bears just want to be wanted. They’re like an aging actress who sits around the house all day staring at old photos of herself hoping that a director will call and give her a part. Sure, she can keep herself busy by boffing the pool boy, but that gets old after a while.

The Bears think it’s cool that Philadelphia Eagles running back Duce Staley wants to play for them. It makes them feel wanted. But that desire to be desired obscures one pretty important fact.

Duce isn’t really all that good.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad running back. He’s run for 1,000 yards three times. But he also has a sub 4.0 yards per carry average. In fact, the only full season that he’s had where he ran for more than 4.0 yards a carry was in 1998. Five years ago.

But the Bears look at their “stable” of running backs and each of them has one big deficiency (at least).

Anthony Thomas is slow.
Adrian Peterson is small.
Brock Forsey is white.
Maurice Hicks is…who?

So it’s tempting to dump a draft pick on the Eagles and blow the rest of their cap space on Staley.

It’s nice that the Bears are still trying to improve their team. But you wonder just how much improvement this will be.

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Did you catch Frank Thomas on SportsCenter last night. The announcers were asking him if he’d ever been on a team that was no-hit. His answer, “Oh, yeah. I’ll never forget it. It was in Kansas City. David Cone no-hit us. Or maybe it was Saberhagen. One of those guys…”

Apparently, you’ll never forget it. Yikes.

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The Cubs are in Houston today and you know what that means. The final three nights of the year when we have to endure Chip Caray and Steve Stone fellating Craig Biggio and the Astros bullpen. When will they learn?

The Cubs should be in good shape. The pitching matchups are all favorable. Tonight it’s Matt Clement against Jeriome Robertson (who sucks), tomorrow is The Franchise against Jared Fernandez (hee hee) and Thursday should be Kerry Wood (bad back) against Ron Villone (just bad.) These days if you miss Wade Miller, you have a great shot at pummelling the Astros.

Pummel away.

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Mariotti put down the doughnut to write this hack job on Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and the seventh inning stretch. Longtime friend of Desipio and intrepid reader TJ Brown sent in his two cents.

I don’t think he put down the doughnut while writing this one. It’s a little strange…
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But the only reason he and his wife were inside the TV booth, in a thoroughly surreal convergence with dweebs-for-life Steve Stone and Chip Caray, is because Sharon’s new daily talk show, ”The Sharon Osbourne Show,” premieres next month.
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Dweebs for life? This is a tough morning for Steve Stone. Not only has he been placed in Chip’s class, he’s been openly mocked by Mariotti.
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But any competitive mood was lost when 40,000 people were sucked into the dysfunctional world of The Osbournes.
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Funny, but Kenny Lofton seemed to be in a competitive mood when he nearly bit off the head of the 2nd base umpire the next half inning.
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”All right, Chicago! Here comes Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne!” shouted The Chipper, abandoning whatever journalistic dignity he still maintains.
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Journalistic integrity? Mariotti must have had the crystal meth-filled doughnut today. Chip’s never been a journalist, just a play-by-play announcer hired by the team he covers. Andy MacPhail gets final say of who’s in the booth, not Trib editor-in-chief Ann Marie Lipinski, whoever is running the train wreck that is WGN-TV these days, not Tom Skilling, not Wizzo. I do wonder if Chip reacts to people questioning his “integrity” in the same way Mariotti does. Maybe we can have another press box fight.

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Who knows if the man was under the influence, having some fun with the crowd or trying out his artistic interpretation of a baseball song. Whatever, it clashed with the integrity of two major-league teams trying to win a game.
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It’s not unheard of that ballplayers might be at the game playing drunk or high (Babe Ruth, Hack Wilson, Mickey Mantle, Dock Ellis, Dennis Eckersley, Todd Hundley, Darryl Kile). The Cubs had a guy frequently under the influence sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame for years. And how do things like sausage races, attendance game, the San Diego Chicken and Take Your Dog to the Ballpark Day mesh with two major-league teams trying to win?

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Awful voices, we can handle. But the singalong began its demise in 2001, when ex-Bear and perpetual animal Steve “Mongo” McMichael–who just the other day swatted me with a rolled-up magazine during a fantasy football convention–used his conducting time to lash out about an umpire’s call.
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Does Jay really think I care Steve McMichael swatted him with a rolled-up magazine? If it were a baseball bat, I’d be a bigger McMichael fan than I was after he got ejected from that Cubs game 2 years ago.
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If it isn’t Ozzy butchering the song, it’s the broadsheet’s new advice columnist, which prompted the broadsheet’s new sports columnist to wonder in print why he wasn’t asked first.

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You might have seen Mike Downey write a small item about that last week, but I wonder if this isn’t Jay Mariotti’s way of saying he wants to do it, too.
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I mean, doesn’t Sammy Sosa have enough happening to deal with Sharon sitting beside him in the dugout, making conversation during batting practice?
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Oh yes. I’d much rather be chatting up Jay Mariotti on which establishment he frequents now that Yum-Yum Donuts on Clark has closed.

—

Rosenbloom finds out about the costs of being on the Bears season ticket waiting list.

Dusty says the starting pitchers will determine if the Cubs go to the playoffs. Gee, ya think?

Big Frank was all the Sox had last night. And, all they needed.

Kendall Gill is going to join the Bulls to make them three deep at moody, petulant small forward.

Dick Jauron almost forced himself to acknowledge that Duce Staley does exist.

Roosevelt Williams has a tatoo of a Chinese character that he thinks means “in memory of big brother”, but in fact it means “gan pong chicken with a side of crab rangoon.”

Duce has been calling his friend on the Bears. Stanley Pritchett told him he’d love it here. Shhhhh!

The Wizard of Roz hypothesizes that come winter time, George Steinbrenner might throw huge wads of cash at Samuel Peralta Sosa. Yeah, that’ll be great. He’ll probably do that right after Vladimir Guerrero signs with Baltimore, Miguel Tejada signs with the Dodgers and you get to hear this next year at Wrigley, “batting third and playing right field…Trenidad Hubbard!”

Can somebody explain the Antwan Jamison-Nick Van Exel trade to me? Do the Mavs need another undersized power forward? Do the Warriors need Van Exel? Is Chris Mullin drinking again?

I’m not saying, I’m just saying, Kendall Gill, Eddie Robinson and Marcus Fizer to Miami for Eddie Jones and some cap fill? Hmmm?

Marc Heisler wonders if the Clippers can afford to not match Lamar Odom.

Maybe Duce has made nice with the Eagles? Not likely.

Page 2 reviewed Busch Stadium, and didn’t give it a great score, but how could they not mention that lovely urine stench that permeates the ballpark. Actually, it just permeates the fans.

Lou Henson is fighting cancer, and still as feisty as ever.

Spanish-yes.com wonders if it’s the Cubs’ year.

Colorado is the number one party school. Maybe those huge back-to-school parties are why the Buffs start every year 0-3?

The world’s greatest newspaper has uncovered a Bush plot to invade the moon. Well, sure.