Hello again gang, it’s your old friend Karry Ling here today filling in for Andy and doing the Daily Dose. It’s always a pleasure to fill in for one of the all-time comedic geniuses of our generation.

OK, he’s not really a genius, and it’s not “our” generation since I was born back in the days of bloomers and the Model T, but you know what I mean. Andy’s hard at work on one of his “Things I’m Loathe to Admit” columns, so you’ve got that to look forward to. (If you do indeed look forward to that crap, you’ve got some sort of problem.)

Anyway, what happened in sports yesterday, anything? The Cubs lost, the Sox won, the Bears traded an angry 380-pound man to New England and I passed a kidney stone the size of Burl Ives.

I watched that Cubs game from the media room at Desipio World Headquarters and we had our usual posse in there. Andy was sitting in the big leather recliner mainlining that weird orange Mountain Dew, I was on the couch with Dave the football prognosticating cat, and Jake was out in the back yard on his cell phone trying to convince his wife that when Andy refers to Mark Prior as “The Franchise” he doesn’t mean that Jake has left her for the studly Cubs righthander. Though, as pretty as Mrs. Potter is, I’d go for the guy with the sexy calves myself.

I honestly think that the reason Andy let me do the Dose today had a lot to do with last night’s game. His head nearly exploded in the third inning when Chip Caray and Steve Stone launched into another dissertation on what a great player Craig Biggio is. And then, Andy kept throwing things at Matt Clement everytime he’d stand on the mound with that, “please take me out of the game, I’m scared” look on his face. It’s the same one he had in that Saturday game at Wrigley against the White Sox.

The constant dugout shots of Tony Womack, aka the human out machine, didn’t help the mood at world hq, either.

A couple things about Steve Stone, who is my second favorite color announcer of all-time–the first being former Cardinals inbred hick Dizzy Dean who used words like ‘slud’ and had catchy sayings like “that boy’s so fast he could flip the light switch and be in bed before the room got dark” or “that girl’s so pretty I wish I hadn’t married my first cousin and fathered a mess of three eyed genetic freaks.”

Anyway, Steve wasn’t really on his game. When Astros shortstop Adam Everett came up in the first inning (hell, EVERYBODY came up in the first inning) Steve said, “Adam had a great series at the plate against the Cubs in Chicago last week.” Then Fox Sports showed his season numbers against the Cubs (.091 batting average, 0 RBI). I’m thinking, ‘great’ might have been a tad bit of an overstatement.

Then he kept saying things about how sinker ball pitchers can’t throw sinkers early in the game because they’re not tired enough. Meanwhile, Matt Clement looked like he was about to pass out on the mound. I know there’s a difference between exhaustion and pure fear, but the difference isn’t that much. In either case I sweat profusely and wet my pants.

The Cardinals came from behind (Jim Edmonds’ specialty, at least that’s what Lassie told me the last time ‘she’ was on the show) and beat the Pirates, so the Cubs had a chance to go into first place but now they’re in third place. This is compounded by the fact that Jeff Fassero started last night’s game for the Cardinals. Even though he was predicitably ineffective, it has to make The Genius feel good when he can start the worst pitcher in the big leagues and still win a game. It’s just like the feeling the folks at “NYPD Blue” must have about still having great ratings even with Zack Morris on the cast now.

Houston just doesn’t do it for me. It could be that I miss Terry Puhl and Denny Walling, it could be that I miss the old Astrodome and that weird exploding bull on the scoreboard, or it could be that other than their one affirmative action case in right field that they’re whiter than the crowd at a Trace Adkins concert. Plus, how can you like a team that actually cuts a paycheck to Greg Zaun and can write the name Morgan Ensberg on a lineup card without either laughing out loud or crying softly to themselves?

I know things seem a little depressing right now Cubs fans, but buck up, I’ve seen every pennant race since AG Spalding sewed up the first ball, and I like the Cubs chances.

As for the Bears, here’s what I know about Ted Washington. He’s old, he’s fat, he broke his leg last year by standing on it and even though he’s mean, if you could get a fourth round draft pick for him you say yes and hope he doesn’t blow out an Achilles’ tendon on his way to the airport.

The deal frees up another $1.65 million on the salary cap for the Bears who were already one of the few teams in the league more than a couple dollars under it anyway. So now they’ve got almost $4.0 million to throw away on Duce Staley. If you don’t think that’s going to happen now, you need to give me back my bottle of Wild Turkey.

Because we were watching the Cubs, TiVo had to take care of “The Real World” for us last night, and so I haven’t seen it yet. But I can pretty much figure out what happened anyway. If you watched it, see how close I am to being correct.

CT woke up with bad hair and it stayed that way.
Christina complained that somebody ate some of her food and used big words that she’s not sure of the meaning of.
Leah woke up, realized she can’t fit her ass into her hotpants anymore and smoked half a carton of Winstons.
Ace got up, put on one of his 14 Georgia Southern caps on, walked around without his shirt on and used words like “y’all”, “youngin'” and “statutory.”
Adam staggered in from a late night/early morning at the clubs and used the word “stankum” then wrote a rap song that went something like this:
My name is Adam and I’m here to say
I’m untalented in every way
My father was indeed a Commodore
But if he’s not Lionel Richie then what good’s it all for?
We’ve had a goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl champ
We’re not doing it because we’re greedy
The Bears are doing it to feed the needy!

Or something like that.

Mallory, who at this point has achieved full Brynn-non-entity status walks by the camera just to remind us that a) she’s hot and b) she’s boring.
Finally, Simon, the only gay Irishman in captivity spends ten minutes doing his hair in that weird Jimmy-Buffett-concert fin shape.

The End.

OK, before we get to the links, it’s time to debut a new feature here at Desipio Media Ventures, it’s my very own girls of Desipio.

You may remember that Andy has had a few sordid love affairs with celebrity babes like:

NBC White House correspondent Campbell Brown

She still hangs around the office from time to time.

Ed star Julie Bowen

She’s not “Ed” though right? I mean, she’s not a guy, right?

Then there was Brooke Langton who was a Desipio Babe, and then was stripped of her title when it was reported she was dating Tiger Woods, but then was brought back to the flock when he started hanging out with the Swedish nanny.

And there have been more. But now, thanks to the good folks at my favorite product, here are the Official Karry Ling Girls of Desipio, brought to you by Jergens.


I know they don’t like our president, but the fat one’s still cute as hell, gang.


Bonus points for being better looking as a brunette than she was as a blonde.


Woah! Where’d that come from?

I love that Sabrina the Teenage Witch show.

Wait, not that one.

This one.

And, finally I have to admit I was dating CBS News correspondent Elizabeth Palmer, but then I realized that somebody who can’t remember if she’s on TV or radio might not be my cup of tea.

By the way, I’ve spent many a night with her brother Dick. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

So, for the media division, I picked Liz Cho. Me likey…long time.

So there you have it. If Andy ever lets me do this again, we’ll make the Jergens Karry Ling Girls of Desipio a regular thing.

Too bad I’m not.

Mike Downey thinks the Astros are better than the Cubs. Mike Downey has a pet donkey with syphillis. OK, maybe not. But he should.

Matt Clement’s bad start was nothing a nice kick to the back of the groin wouldn’t have fixed.

Tony Womack is glad to be in a pennant race. Hear that, Mr. Palmeiro?

Ted Washington is off to New England where he can be courteous and charming to a whole new band of media and fans. Yeah, right.

Greg Blache is going to keep his cuts a surprise. I’ll bet he tries to cut John Shoop.

Mark Grudzielanek’s hand hasn’t healed yet. Has he tried Garlique?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tour Soldier Field. He needed a shorts change after he saw it.

No more Dalibor Bagaric? I’m going to need some of Kendall Gill’s Xanax.

What, Lloyd Carr being a big baby about something? Really? You don’t say?

Barry Rozner caught up with Gary Gaetti. Even I think he’s old.

How much you want to bet that Norma McGill doesn’t belong to the Buckeye Club?

Tom Verducci just noticed that the Cubs have some good pitchers.

Kwame Brown with the DUI triple crown. Driving under the influence, improper lane usage, driving with an open alcoholic beverage in the car.

Eric Estrada is suing a film company. I’m thinking of suing whoever it was who failed to destroy every episode of CHiPs.

I swear to God, we just got an e-mail of this very type from jmarriotti@suntimes.com. We’re just excited that we’re in his address book.

Gray Davis is going to fight the recall with every fiber of his being. If only he’d fight that haircut with that kind of virulence.

Did I ever tell you gang, about the time I mistook that kangaroo for a giant beaver? I was awkward, I had my pants down and was charging ahead when the thing kicked me in the chest. Reminded me of the time Shelly Winters and I had our own little “Poseidon Adventure” if you know what I mean.

I think it goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. When I get the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, there’s literally not enough hand lotion in the world.

Honest, I was just trying to book a flight to Fresno. What am I wearing? Well, suspenders, a thong and some Rockport wing tips, why do you ask?

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve gotten drunk and bitten the head off of a small furry pet…

Jack Nicholson has a house in Nebraska? For god sakes, why?

America’s Finest News Source tries to make sense of the California recall race.

Anyway, it’s been fun. I always enjoy writing this column and Andy will be back tomorrow. So until next time America!