Like many things in life (background noise, people talking during movies, stop signs, smoke alarms) I’ve largely learned to ignore the Cubs insistence on keeping the “celebrity” seventh-inning stretch shtick going.  It was created in 1998 to “honor” Harry Caray after his death, but really it was just a way for John McDonough to hang with largely b and c-list celebrities.  It entertains no one, and it’s far less of an honor than just playing a recording of Harry leading the song would be.

So it was interesting that two notable things about the stretch happened yesterday.

Before the game, I got an e-mail from someone at the game who had just had a conversation where Chip Caray complained that the Cubs never ask him to sing the song anymore.

Holy crap.  How delusional is this guy?

Not since Milo Hamilton packed his suitcase full of bitter and headed to Houston has a Cubs announcer’s departure pleased the fan base like when Chip revealed during the last day of the excruciating 2004 season that he and the Cubs had decided to part ways.  In other words, he wasn’t asked back.

Maybe they ought to invite him to do it.  He and his imaginary family can lean out of the booth while 40,000 boo him like he just threw a urine soaked balloon at Mark DeRosa.  Then he can sit down for an interview with Len and Bob and wonder why Len actually stops talking in between thoughts.

I know there are people who actually liked him.  Carrottop sells tickets.  There’s no accounting for taste.  I’m actually surprised this delusional twit took five years to start campaigning for this.  Maybe he can whip out the guitar and accompany himself, too?

But that was only half of surreal seventh inning stretch night.

It was ’70s Night (why do the Cubs do these hack promotional nights?) and they brought Erik Estrada out to throw out the first pitch and to sing the stretch (and make up the words as he went along.)

And, because the Cubs took a while to post their zero in the bottom of the seventh (they loaded the bases and then left them that way) Estrada had a lot of time to spend on his interview with Len and Bob.

Probably ten minutes.

During which he covered a wide range of topics:

– A kid he claimed he dangled “Blanket” style onto the field for ten seconds

– The fact that Jake Fox signed a baseball for him

– That Officer Poncherello is now a real-life cop, and works on an Internet Predator Task Force

– That if he hadn’t been on CHiPs that he would have wanted to have been a cop anyway, and that he’d either be retired or shot dead by now

– That Ron Jeremy has a “huge gift” and loves to share it with “school children” (Apparently meaning that Ron is very caring and works as an educator of some sort in California.  At least that’s what I hope he meant.)

– Vanilla Ice

He was also completely oblivious to the game on the field, as though Len had a talk show that just happened to overlook an outdoor sports venue.

But for every remotely entertaining visit like that one (and it was remote, at best), like Kellie Pickler prattling on about Apple Jacks and NASCAR as we watched her blouse struggle mightily to keep her boobs inside, you get Bill Kurtis droning on about grass fed cattle or Jerry Azumah doing…uh…oh who cares?

But by all means, keep it.  It’s just so great.

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One last thing.

Just the headline made me want to throw up on myself.

Are You Kidding Me?  Sam Fuld Goes Back To The Minors

Guh.