It’s not every day when an orange man invites you, the salt of the earth Cubs fan, to submit questions to the handsome guy generally managing the Cubs, with a chance to win pizza.
Dave Kaplan says that Hendry is going to be on his show tonight around 7:30 p.m. and he wants people to send him Twitter messages with questions for Jim. If he uses your Twitter question, you’ll win a gift card to Lou Malnati’s.
But what if you don’t have a Twitter account and you don’t want to get one? Well, why should you be excluded from all of the mature, classy, dignified fun? Post your question here or at Hire Jim Essian and one of us will Twat that baby right over to Kap for you.
Even, the mysterious TaoofSanto said he’d help send in the twats.
Oh, and I almost forgot, America’s scrappiest (and dumbest) player, Ryan Theriot will be making his weekly visit to SportsCentral just before Hendry. So if you’ve got a question for Theriot, feel free to send that in, too.
Kaplan’s Twitter feed is the creative twitter.com/thekapman.
Desipio’s is twitter.com/desipiodotcom
Hire Jim Essian’s is twitter.com/hirejimessian
And TaoofSanto is twitter.com/taoofsanto
I don’t want to ask Hendry anything, but I could groove on free pizza.
Does Dave Kaplan look as orange in real life as he does in pictures and TV?
Hello, Mr. Hendry,
Albert Yellon here, longtime season ticket holder and even longer time annoying bald man. I actually have 16 questions, and I’ll try to be as brief as possible.
1) Do you really hold a luncheon once a year where you yuk it up with sponsors and use profanity? And if so, if you’d promise not to swear next year, can I come?
2) A lot of ballparks are offering more healthy food these days. Any thought to a soy based, low cost, balogna sandwich offering?
3) I know a guy who caught a home run ball once. It was neat.
4) Any chance the Cubs might bring Tom Glavine to town so I can thank him again for winning his 300th game at Wrigley Field?
5) Any chance the Cardinals would be willing to trade Mark DeRosa to the Cubs, maybe for Carlos Zambrano or some other unstable player who makes me uncomfortable?
6) How could you send Sam Fuld down? Don’t you want to win?
7) I love the minor league games at Wrigley Field. But haven’t we already seen the Iowa Cubs this year? (Oh, that’s a good one. You have to use that one Kap. I don’t mean to brag, but that is a stitch. I’m going to post a FanShot and a FanPost about that.)
8) Any chance of firing that lazy, good for nothing Lou Piniella and bringing back a fiery personality like Jim Riggleman to manage the team?
9) What’s your favorite font? Mine is Zapf Dingbats!
10) I’m working on the script for a pilot I want to pitch to my high up connections at ABC, and so far I think I’m off to a good start. It’s about the front office of a Major League team, where the team’s GM and President are doing great things with the team by day, and fighting crime at night. I’m basing it on you and Crane Kenney. Your character is named Tim Cremdry and you’re the GM, and your superpower is that you can turn all of your bones into a liquid form and become an amorphous blob. But an amorphous blob that fights crime! And the other character is named Biff Benney, and his superpower is that he tells stories about the Skull and Bones club at Yale and it makes criminals fall asleep. I don’t have a good title for it. I mean, the first one I thought of is so obvious, it’s “Crime Strikes Out: The Epic tales of Captain Midnight and the Amoeba!” But I don’t think it’s long enough. I’ll keep working on it.
11) Don’t trade for Roy Halladay of the Blue Jays because it might hurt Ryan Dempster’s feelings to only be the third best Canadian on the team. Roy’s from Canada right? I mean, he plays there and everything.
12) I think booing should be banned from the park. It’s mean and it hurts players feelings. If you get caught booing you should be banned from the park and chemically castrated.
13) You know what would look nice with the blue jersey tops (which I love)? Khaki slacks. I think pleated ones would be flexible enough that it wouldnt’ restrict the players’ movement too much.
14) You need to tell Alfonso Soriano to have more fun with the crowd in left field. We’re fun people! He should salute us, and give us all painters caps with sergeant stripes on them like Gary Matthews Senior did. He was neat.
15) I don’t know if you know but I’m a season ticket holder and I just want you to know that if you sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field, I don’t care who you sell them to or what they call it, I will never call it anything but Wrigley Field. So, there!
16) You know what would make a great giveaway for next season? A growth poster with a 6’1 photo of Mark DeRosa where he’s completely nude except for a milk moustache and he’s holding a quart of milk in front of his genitals. I’ve even got a slogan for it. “Milk, it does a body good!” I guarantee the ladies would be clamoring for that poster, Jim Hendry! The ladies! They love Mark DeRosa and they think he’s a cutie pie. Those ladies love him! Can I have one for my mom?
Where am I?
Look, I said I was sorry for getting drunk, running over your dog, exposing myself to your wife, taking a dump on your bed, and burning your house down. Anyway, can I get a chance to start again until Dempster comes back?
Will the new owners install “You Must Be This Tall to Play” signs in the clubhouse and dugouts?
Who can eat more…you or Geo Soto?*
*Sans marijuana
I take it The Riot is the dumbest “active” player. I mean, Mike Barrett ain’t dead, to the best of my knowledge.
Jim–
Can I come back to work?
Did you realize I’m only hitting 5 points below my career OBP? That money was totally worth it, bitches.
Jim-
Does Kaplan smell like Coconut butter and shame? And could you see if maybe you can convince Theriot and Fontenot to get some awesome lightning bolts shaved into the sides of their heads? When I played teeball I’m pretty sure that helped up my average by ~50 pts.
What kind of fucking bad acid trip were you on when you gave me a two-year deal?
Why on God’s green earth haven’t you traded for me yet?
Hey Riot,
Do you wish you could look as good as Kap in them cute muscle t-shirts with the skulls and wings on them?
Is one shitty year of me really better than one shitty year of Kerry Wood?
Fuck, I have to go back to Iowa? Can’t I pretend I’m hurt like Patton?
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20090709&content_id=5785610&vkey=news_chc&fext=.jsp&c_id=chc
Why didn’t you fire me earlier – clearly I was the problem.
I’d like to amend my short post in #3. I don’t think khaki pants will work for baseball players.
But khaki cargo pants will! And on hot days, cargo shorts!
I really need to think these things out before I post them all willy nilly.
Hey Jim,
Give me a call. I’m sure I could part with Cody Ross for the low, low price of four pitching prospects.
Jim,
Call me. Let’s talk three way with Nomar.
I mean for, Nomar.
Sincerely,
The Best Looking GM in Baseball
Jim,
This question comes from an Albert Yellon.
Jim, why did Casey McGehee eat your team’s ass like it had ranch dressing smeared all over it?
Your mother eats the team’s ass like it had ranch dressing smeared all over it
Dear Jim:
How do we know you won’t just make up easy questions to answer and then take all the free pizza coupons for yourself?
Jim, how does it feel to know that your weight is Milton’s Bradley batting average plus 100?
Your mom has brunch with Jim Hendry.
Did you really just strip me of my title and give it to Theriot?
How’s Billy without the schringe
Ronny’s (26) right, Theriot can only ever be the second dumbest player in baseball, until Ronny finally loses his job. Though, incredibly, the Mariners are now trying to trade Betancourt to give shortstop to Cedeno permanently.
Yikes.
Al Yellon’s above full page rambling was the most unfunny post I have ever seen. Please stop trying to contribute. By the way Yellon, your mom’s unfunny also.
what really seems a lot less funny Sammie, is your sad attempt at contributing through your incredibly unoriginal one liners. So how about you stop trying to contribute.
Hey Al your mom’s a contributor.
Freddy – Because they won’t let me have him unless I give Aramis back.
Anyone want to ask me why a 97 win team from a year ago fielding the same roster is seeing its season ended by its biggest rival the weekend before the All-Star break?
*burp*
#33 – you sure this is the same roster as last year? Must get more left-handed.
Hey mr cutting edge. Anytime you want to stop taking about the media and start taking about the worst record in the nl since mothers day would be nice. This team is a train wreck. I don’t remember reading that here. They should be begging they are under 500 in a joke of a division and you are worried about the subtimes and Kaplan. The last yellon like missive was we are here Horton style. Hello. This team is going to lose 85 after winning 97. Care to discuss?
But that wouldn’t be very fun.
Wow so many mistakes. That’s what I get for using the blackberry for a post rather than old fashioned laptop technology. I have no clue what word was supposed to be there instead of begging.
Anyway, we know the media sucks. That’s why we opt to get our commentary here rather than there. So can we get some commentary about the crap on the field instead of the crap that writes about the crap? Also I stand corrected. The Met has a worse record since Mum’s day. I guess we can take joy in the fact that they have an even higher payroll and an idiot for a manager.
chirp…..chirp…..chirp……the sound that Al Yellon is making now since I dissed him into oblivion. Al….cmon dude, your mom makes that noise too with her face in the pillow.
#35/37- im sure there are hundreds of blogs out there with the content of your liking, go there.
I’m not sure how you can say you dissed anyone into oblivion, when it’s attempted with lame-ass “your mom…” statements. Your posts are a fucking waste, completely pointless, and add absolutely nothing to this form of entertainment. I actually felt a brain cell suffocate after accidentally reading your vacuous drivel.
and by the way, my mother died about 10 years ago, so she isn’t doing or saying anything.
your mom is completely pointless.
Your mom is completely pantiless and completely wet.