The three-game series in Busch Stadium that begins tonight is so big in St. Louis that Cardinals fans are out ironing their bib overalls, having the tires rotated on the house and greasing the gears on the windmill, they don’t want a rusty windmill gear costing them electricity at a critical time in one of the games.

It is about this time of year when the red horde gets pretty full of themselves. We all know the stats. The Cubs are 11-40 in Busch Stadium since 1996. The Cubs were 1-8 there last year and are 1-3 there so far in 2003.

But the only numbers you need to worry about are 22, 34 and 38.

It’ll take more than Al Hrabosky teasing Chip Caray at the press room buffet, or Mike Shannon calling Sammy Sosa, “Sandy Soscia”, or Jim Edmonds slowing down on a flyball so he can dive at it and make SportsCenter. Ocotgenarian slugger Albert Pujols won’t be enough. Creepy little Fernando Vina’s return won’t turn the tide.

Because, the reality of it is, that the tide’s already been turned. The Cardinals run of horror in the Central Division is over. Blue is this year’s red. Go to the calendar and make a big mark on August 26, 2003, because tonight is the start of something big.

Tonight is the genesis of a new creation in sports…the smug, spoiled Cubs fan.

The columnists in Chicago and beyond are already bracing for a Cubs tumble. They’re trying to cover their hineys in the event of history repeating itself…again. But you know us better than that. We fly with our hiney pointed to the sky at all times.

We’re selling a new product here at Desipio. It’s something rare indeed when it comes to Cubs baseball.

Confidence.

How many times have you heard announcers say that the Cubs have the easiest schedule in September of any of the contenders in the NL Central? You know why that is? Because they’ve played the TOUGHEST schedule to date. Face it, Houston and St. Louis had their shot. They needed to bury the Cubs by now. They couldn’t do it. Not that the Cubs didn’t look at times like they weren’t about to apply the dirt themselves.

St. Louis painted themselves into the corner with the nonsensical aquisitions in recent years of Tino Martinez (bad contract, bad player) and Scott Rolen (good player, unnecessary addition and crippling contract). The roughly $16 million they owe to these guys has made it impossible for them to add pitching. Given that their offense is good, but not the end-all-be-all that simplistic baseball analysts would have you believe, they needed pitching. They didn’t get it. Oh sure, they picked up Esteban Yan, Sterling Hitchcock and Mike DeJean during the season (pause here for riotous laughter), but they needed to be able to add a contract like Sidney Ponson or Livan Hernandez. But their little coin purse is empty. Muahahahahahahahaha!

So let’s do what every hack newspaper does when a big series rolls around. Let’s do the matchups.

Starting Pitching
Tuesday: Mark Prior v. Garrett Stephenson
Prior has been the best pitcher in baseball since the All-Star Break, Stephenson is 7-12 on the season and lost his last start 14-0 to the Pirates. Do we need to continue this breakdown?
Advantage: Cubs 1-0

Wednesday: Kerry Wood v. Woody Williams
Wood has been lit up in his last three starts and other than the human panic attack that is Shawn Estes, he’s the Cubs starter that fans have the least confidence in right now. But the Cardinals shouldn’t be too cocky about Williams who is 0-3 in his last five starts and has given up at least seven hits in every starts since July 20. You kind of figure that both guys will right the ship tomorrow night. Given, however, that Williams has merely been mediocre for the last three weeks, while Wood has been bad, we begrudingly give the edge to him.
Advantage: Cardinals 1-1

Thursday: Carlos Zambrano v. Matt Morris
If Prior has been the best pitcher in baseball since the All-Star Break, Zambrano can make a good case that he’s the second best. If not for his own throwing error in a game there in May, Zambrano would have beaten the Cardinals in St. Louis already this year. Given that the Cardinals need to hit homers to win, and that Carlos doesn’t give them up, he’s the perfect guy to have going in the series finale. Matt Morris was a once good pitcher who has hurt his shoulder, hand and ankle this season. The injuries to his hand and ankle were minor, but it’s likely that the shoulder injury isn’t. He’ll try and pitch through it, but his velocity’s down and the Cubs are looking forward to whacking him around pretty good.
Advantage: Cubs 2-1

Bullpen
At times the Cubs bullpen looks like a circus Volkswagen with an endless array of clowns running out the door. When given a deficit, the Cubs pen has recently thrown large amounts of petrol on it. But they’re still pretty good at holding a lead. If Dusty can keep El Pulpo seated in the bullpen, the Cubs have a distinct advantage over the Cardinals who trot out such luminaries as Cal Eldred, Jeff Fassero (hee hee) and Steve Kline. Kline’s pretty good, but if the Cubs want to spook him they can just have Tony Womack and Kenny Lofton stand at the top of the dugout steps and wave at him as he warms up. Kline gave up playoff ending hits to Womack and Lofton the last two years.
Advantage: Cubs 3-1

First base
Randall Simon and Eric Karros v. Tino Martinez
Tino Martinez is not good. He’s tuned up for the Cubs series by hitting .188 in his last ten games, too. Meanwhile, Simon has taken to his new team quickly and is hitting everything in sight. He gives the lineup a nice righty-lefty balance and hasn’t been the butcher at first that he was billed to be. Karros will be lurking for a matchup with Kline or Hitchcock.
Advantage: Cubs 4-1

Second base
Ramon Martinez and Tony Womack v. Fernando Vina and Bo Hart
The fact that both teams have two guys listed in this instance means the same thing. Neither of them has a real second baseman. Martinez is solid, and let’s just hope he doesn’t try and start any game ending double plays using nothing but his glove again, like he did Sunday. Womack looks like a different player so far in a Cubs uniform (in a good way) and actually drew a walk on Sunday (stop the presses!) Vina is a Cubs nemesis, but he’s still not healthy and Bo isn’t very good. Martinez is the best of a very suspect bunch, so…
Advantage: Cubs 5-1

Shortstop
Alex Gonzalez v. Edgar Renteria
It’s very possible that Womack will play second in all three games, meaning that Ramon Martinez might play short in two of them. Whatever, Gonzalez has been great with the glove and lousy with the bat. He was clutch early on in the season, but of late, he’s been anything but. Edgar is just really good.
Advantage: Cardinals 2-5

Third base
Aramis Ramirez v. Scott Rolen
This is not the whitewash you might think it is. Rolen is a very good player and he’s hitting .295 with 24 homers and 89 RBI, and has been hot lately (.500 with seven RBI in his last seven games), but Ramirez is also on a tear (.400, three homers, six RBI in last seven games) and his overall numbers are comparable (.276, 19, 84). Rolen is much better with the glove, but check this out.

Ramirez against the Cardinals in 2003. 26 at bats, 13 hits, .500 average. Hee hee.
Rolen against the Cubs in 2003. 8-31, .258.
Rolen still gets the edge. But not by much.
Advantage: Cardinals 3-5

Catcher
Paul Bako and Damian Miller v. Mike Matheny and Chris Widger
Let’s get this straight, none of these four guys can hit…at all. Matheny’s a good, though not great defensive catcher. I don’t care. He’s overrated in every way behind the plate. He’s also got one hit in his last 20 at bats. There are no winners here.
Advantage: Nobody

Left field
Moises Alou v. Albert Pujols
Moises is having a nice season, Albert’s having a great one. I don’t like Albert. I think he’s ten years older than he says he is, I think he’s cocky, but I’m not dumb enough to give Moises the edge.
Advantage: Cardinals 4-5

Center field
Kenny Lofton v. Jim Edmonds
Jim Edmonds since the All-Star game. .194 BA, four homers nine RBI.
Kenny Lofton since the All-Star game. .273, one homer, 10 RBI, 10 stolen bases.
I love to write this.
Advantage: Cubs 6-4

Right field
Sammy Sosa v. Eduardo Perez
JD Drew is on the disabled list (wow, there’s shocking news) and the guy who is replacing him is a Cardinals’ fan favorite. However, given that he’s hitting .241 since the All-Star break, maybe he shouldn’t be. As for Senor Sosa, how’s he been doing lately? Well, he has 20 homers and 45 RBI since July 1. Is that good?
Advantage: Cubs 7-4

Bench
Now this is where the Cardinals and their genius manager and whiz of a GM will come out on top, right? Surely, they have stockpiled an assortment of veteran, savvy, talent to lead them through the abyss. Well, there’s Orlando Palmeiro who might get a start in right field and he’s…not really that good…and Widger who’s awful, and Miguel Cairo…who’s never been any good. Yeah, it’s all crap.

The Cubs are loaded with lefties, and Karros. That’s enough to be better than the Cardinals’ red dots.
Advantage: Cubs 8-4

Manager
Dusty Baker v. The Genius
Well, they don’t call him The Genius for nothing. No, wait, actually, they do. I don’t think that Tony LaRussa’s a bad manager, I just know he’s not the baseball sage that experts and nitwits in the media make him out to be. In the playoffs last year, Dusty got the best of him. It’s going to happen again.
Advantage: Cubs 9-4

The prediction: Cubs win at least two. If Wood pitches well on Wednesday night, get out the brooms. Deal with it Cardinals fans, the Cubs aren’t going away.

For years.

Jim Hendry has done the unthinkable in only one year. Who knew?

Phil Norton gets traded for a Koronka, whatever that is.

Kenny Williams has done a nice job with the White Sox. Only, this time I sense a collapse on their side of town. I don’t know why. I just do.

The Bears miss the comedy stylings of Rosy Colvin.

Jerry Azumah hurped his widdle toe.

Both Olsens have transferred from Notre Dame.

I think I’ll miss Mary Kate most of all.

Look, the older brother transferred because he knew he wasn’t going to ever beat out Carlyle Holiday or Chris Quinn. He basically punked out. The other one transferred because his big brother left. Big whup.

The new Cubs could care less about their recent record in Busch.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to forecast doom and gloom for the Cubs and Sox. What did we expect from Jay?

The Royals pick up a real pitcher for once. Why exactly didn’t the Cubs put a claim in on Brian Anderson?

Pete Sampras retired and it was just as boring as watching him play or listening to him get interviewed.

The Wizard of Roz on the NIU football player who died in the porch collapse and more.

The Jags are trying to give Mark Brunell away. If you’re smart, you’ll ask for David Garrard instead.

Lamar Odom got his wish. It must make the Clips feel good that he literally begged them not to match his contract offer.

Dick Jauron and Dave Wannstedt might get canned the same year. How ironic..or moronic.

Peter King offers to fix the NFL preseason.

Arnold is crushing Gray Davis in the only poll that counts. The one with the tacos.

Another nominee for parents of the year.

Hey! Do it yourself Internet porn.

OJ says standing trial for murder did wonders for his sex life.

The world’s greatest newspaper says that Saddam, Osama and Kim Jong Il have formed their own boy band.