Every team loses games like this. The Yankees do it from time to time. Even the vaunted Braves have coughed up a two run eighth inning lead. But you have to give the Cubs credit. They do it with style.

Most teams let one guy pour the gas on the fire when things go bad. Not the Cubs. They use five guys. Must be a union thing.

And so, the Cubs find themselves where they were two days ago…a half game behind the hated Cardinals, and actually farther behind in the race that really matters. They now trail the Astros by a game and a half. More frustrating than anything is that you just thought that if the Cubs could get one thing last night, a win would be a certainty.

Kerry Wood was just tired of it all. Tired of getting raked, tired of throwing fastballs all over the backstop. Sore back or not, he accepted the challenge of facing down the Cardinals in Busch Stadium.

Kerry had it all going. The serial killer haircut, the pants so baggy that you’d swear he had a half a loaf in them, the curveball that makes men’s knees quiver, and that fastball…the one that just sounds different when it hits the glove…even on TV.

His opponent was a weird little redhead named Woody Williams. Acquired in a waiver deal a couple years ago, he apparently still has at least a few more days left on that deal he signed with the devil. Woody can’t throw hard, has the worst goatee this side of Matt Clement and yet he’s been getting guys out for two and a half years. I have no idea.

Last night might as well have been 1998 all over again. Kerry Wood throwing gas. Sammy Sosa getting the big hits. Jim Edmonds whining and primping and getting six strikes in one at bat. All that was missing was a pimply slugger suffering from gigantism and his enormous bat boy son.

And, just like 1998 the Cubs were getting the best of the Cardinals. The mouth breathing fans clad in red were uncomfortably quiet. For the second night in a row a young Cubs pitcher who will be tormenting them from now until their first colostomy was shutting down their mighty offense.

And then, the PA announcer said the fateful words, “Now pitching for the Cubs…Antonio Alfonseca.”

Guh.

Are you kidding me? Giving El Pulpo a two run lead to protect is like asking Colin Ferrel to keep an eye on your girlfriend while you run to the bathroom. By the time you get back your lead…or your girlfriend will have herpes.

Or something.

I know what Dusty was thinking. Kerry had thrown 125 pitches on one of those nights in St. Louis best known for being so humid you can drink the air and he was done. Fine. He wanted Alfonseca to get one guy out, then bring in Guthrie to get Edmonds and then Farnsworth to get Rolen. Only, the problem was that the one guy Dusty wanted Pulpo to get was Albert Pujols.

Pujols would say after the game that he knew he cold hit Alfonseca because, “when I was a rookie I faced Walter Johnson, and if I could hit the Big Train, I knew I could hit the Big Freak.”

By the way, I don’t want to say that Pujols is old, but the Brewers just signed Albert Pujols, Jr. to join their class A farm team and play with Prince Fielder and Tony Gwynn, Jr.

So predictibly, Pulpo throws a first pitch fastball to Pujols. He might as well have just turned and thrown the ball into the outfield because that’s where it was going to land, regardless.

Then, Guthrie comes in, strikes Edmonds out twice, but doesn’t get either call. This is why I don’t play major league baseball. I’d have walked off the mound, asked to inspect Edmonds’ bat and then beaten him and the home plate ump to death with it.

Then, Captain Tightpants, the Farns came in and completely soiled himself, the lead and the game. Hey…great?

Regardless, every team blows a game like this once and a while. Most don’t do it in a fashion that causes the left fielder to leave the game through the bullpen during the eighth inning…but hey, every team needs to be a little unique.

It’s how they bounce back that will tell the tale. Today, the red horde thinks that the damage they inflicted last night will last through next week. They think the Cubs will come out in the fetal position and just pray that the kicking will stop.

But the Cubs “other” 22-year old stud takes the mound tonight. Nobody wants the ball in a big spot more than Carlos Zambrano. He eats this stuff up. He’ll be out there throwing gas and that sinker and pumping his fists and yelling things at Pujols and Edmonds that will make you want to give him a manly hug. Fear not, Cubs fans. The bullpen is closed tonight.

Big Z needs no assistance. The Cardinals will be reminded that the new pecking order is still in effect, and they’re the ones being pecked.

Meanwhile, in Indianapolis, Larry Bird got to do something that I hope he completely enjoyed. Because I know I would have. He got to fire Isiah Thomas. Hell, if it were me, I’d have done the thing live on ESPN. Has there ever been a phonier, manipulative jackass than Isiah Thomas? I don’t think so. Now he, and some of his players are acting surprised that he was fired. But why are they surprised? He can’t coach! In fact, this move is terrible news for the rest of the Eastern Conference because the only thing holding the Pacers back was that Isiah is an idiot.

And now he’s gone. Rick Carlisle will come in and immediately be hated by half the team. The other half, the sensible ones will just be glad he’s not Isiah. But given what we now know about how Carlisle couldn’t get along with most of his Pistons players, maybe there’s hope? Nah. He’s a good coach, a far better coach than the moody, indecisive, petty Thomas.

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The good news, if there was any, is that the rumors of Kerry Wood’s demise have been greatly exaggerated.

The Cubs are shuffling the deck so that the Prior can pitch against the Cardinals on Monday. Me like.

Rick Morrissey on the horrible things that came out of that bullpen last night.

Meanwhile, in New York, the Sox were having no such trouble with the Yankees.

The Bears lost, I didn’t see any of it and thank god the preseason is over.

Notre Dame needs good play from its offensive line. Well, duh.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to blame the loss on Dusty’s “silly” pitch count. But had Dusty let Kerry pitch Mariotti would have ripped him for abusing his arm. This, is just the most typical Mariotti column of all-time.

Who is Jon Leicester and why is he on my roster?

Maryland invades DeKalb tonight. Who in the hell in the Maryland athletics department scheduled a game AT NIU? Hee hee. I think the Huskies are going to be very good…in the MAC. They’re going to get pantsed tonight. But hey, at least the thunderstorms will be entertaining.

The Wizard of Roz thinks the Sox are poised for a long playoff run. Sure. Whatever.

Buh-bye, Isiah. Muahahahahaha!

Jermaine O’Neal says he never would have signed with Indiana if he knew Isiah would be fired. Oh, shut up. Everybody knew he was going to get the axe sometime this year. It just happened a few months earlier than we thought.

Uh-oh. I don’t care how “minor” this is, this is bad for the Braves.

John Donovan says the Jeff Weaver trade was a bad one. Really? Just because he’s in class-A now?

Do we really think tales of Arnold’s orgy-filled past will COST him votes? Hell, he’ll probably win by more now.

Now we’re going to blame Saddam for lying that he had weapons of mass destruction. OK, sure! I buy that. Oh, puh-lease.

A Wheeling woman pled guilty to battery after she hit a stripper because he “ended his performance” too early. Gee, what do you think happened to end the performance? Did he run out of music? Did he get tired of dancing? You don’t think he spewed protein all over the room? Nah.

A man who had his penis mistakenly removed has settled with the doctor. OK, I’m going to go lay down and forget I read this story. Yikes.

Christmas has been cancelled. Santa Claus is dead. Really.

I’ve got one neighbor, it’s a business, not a home, that would never get shot for this.

The world’s greatest newspaper says that Saddam is breeding killer dinosaurs. Well, sure he is.