We don’t call him The Franchise for nothing, folks. After pretending it was raining for four hours so they could squeeze in the end of the Jerry Lewis Telethon, WGN finally relented and let the Cubs and Cardinals start the first game of this huge five-game series, and the Cubs sent out their not-so-secret weapon to set the tone.

As if facing Mark Prior isn’t daunting enough, Mother Nature turned the wind on full blast towards home plate. In the first inning, World War II veteran Albert Pujols drilled a majestic homer to left field, only to watch it land harmlessly in the glove of Moises Alou…about 30 feet in front of the warning track.

The Cardinals might as well have gone back to the Sheraton, this one was over.

It wasn’t without drama. The Cubs stranded eight guys (eight!) in the first four innings and home plate umpire Bill Hohn had a moving strikezone. It was the kind of zone that had Kerry Wood have been pitching would have resulted in Kerry trying to jam a bat through Bill’s neck. Things got worse when The Genius came out to argue that his Cardinals didn’t like the strike zone and then it shifted again.

But a seven run fifth inning was more than enough for Prior. In the top of the fifth, Ramon Martinez–one of Dusty Baker’s “hunches”–unhunched himself and saved a run with a diving stab of what would have been an RBI single for Fernando Vina. In the bottom of the fifth, Sammy Sosa started the fun with a walk and then punked Jim Edmonds by going from first to third on a single to Edmonds that Jim coasted on, by the time he got ready to make a throw, it was too late. Sammy was on third and Steve Stone called Edmonds a “poser.” Sweet.

The Genius cooked up a strange defensive set that had the infield back on the left side and in on the right side for an Eric Karros at bat. Karros smashed one past Vina, who had he been back, would have turned a double play. Instead, it was a single. It was 1-0 Cubs, and though five more runs would follow, that one was enough. We knew it. Prior knew it. Most importantly, the Cardinals knew it.

You had to wonder what kinds of things the Cardinals did to keep themselves occupied in the very small visitor’s clubhouse at Wrigley. If it were say, the visitor’s clubhouse in Coors’ Field or the new ballpark in Cincinnati, they could have spread out, played video games, watched TV, gotten a massage, called up some hookers… But in Wrigley, especially with the rosters expanded to 40, it must have been like cramming circus clowns in a Volkswagen. At least, Edgar Renteria and Jim Edmonds could find comfort in a nice, hot, shower. But we don’t want to think about that.

I’ve heard reference to the fact that The Genius has cut his mullet off. I don’t think that’s true. I think he just combs it forward now to try and hide his receding hairline.

Chip Caray took the time to remind us he doesn’t know any baseball rules again. On a third inning Scott Rolen error that would have been a Cardinals double play, Chip lobbied for it to be a hit and an error because Rolen’s play was going to be at second base. As it was, he almost throw out Moises Alou at first who first fell down coming out of the batters’ box and then, inexplicably, stopped running about three steps in front of first. How that play would ever result in a hit without an error, I’d like to know.

The Cubs, for all of the fervor of their fans don’t seem to be busting it too hard with 26 games to go. Sure, Sosa was aggressive going first to third, but that’s Sammy, he’s always like that. Tony Womack failed to tag up at second on a flyball to the warning track, Alou dogged it on two grounders and Prior made a very nice jumping bunt of a high fastball, but did the infuriating, “I’m a pitcher, we don’t sprint to first because we might get tired” only to see the great Mike Matheny throw the ball high to the dwarfish Vina at first. Vina had to jump, land and then touch the bag. Had Prior been running hard, he might have beaten it.

These are little things, but in a race as close as this one, the one thing you can always control is your effort. You might not pitch or hit well, but you can at least run hard. It wouldn’t kill you.

But there was little reason to say anything disparraging against number 22 yesterday. Once the Cardinals stranded a runner in each of the first four innings you realized he was toying with them. The Franchise was hitting his spots, and the Cardinals had no chance. When Eric Karros greeted punching bag Garrett Stephenson with a homer (through that same Pujols-proof wind) and put the Cubs up a touchdown, it was time for the 18,000 remaining, very drunk, fans to celebrate. Even the Cubs can’t blow a seven run lead.

It’s all set up for a doubleheader sweep today. The Cardinals, who started pulling their starters after Karros’ homer, have run up the white flag in game one by starting Jason Simontacchi against Carlos Zambrano. They did this because The Genius figures that Matt Morris can beat Kerry Wood, though not Zambrano. He’s right, in that Wood is easier to beat than Zambrano, but he’s wrong in that Kerry won’t let the Cubs lose tonight.

Today also marks the triumphant return of two of Wrigley’s favorite sons. Mark Grudzielanek will come off the disabled list today and start at least one of the games. Hee Seop Choi is back in town and ready to hit the karaoke bars. Big Choi claims the “one” thing Des Moines lacks is a good Korean deli and karaoke bar. I don’t doubt that.

On Thursday, Dusty has to decide whether to pitch Shawn “Please shoot me and put me out of my misery” Estes on normal rest or Juan Cruz on three day’s rest. I don’t care if Estes has had six month’s rest, he should not be allowed to hurl a pelota in a regulation game again this season. But that’s just me.

Did anybody else notice the beginning of the Cubs broadcast when Chip said, “Mark Prior won’t win the Cy Young award this year…” and Steve said, “There’s no reason why he can’t win it this year.” I love it when Chip is summarily contradicted. It just makes me happy.

—

The first real weekend of college football taught us a few things.

Bob Davie’s hair is in mid-season form.

Brent Musberger doesn’t need any games to prep his hollering stupidity.

Bob Griese needs to be driven to a home…stat.

Maybe the Buckeyes won’t miss their favorite sophomore tailback?

You know you’re the backup game when ABC calls your secretary to set up your pre-game meeting with Tim Brandt and Ed Cunningham.

Terry Bowden has perfected the “I’m not listening to John Saunders because I’m concentrating on beaming this creepy smile to you through your TV” thing.

You don’t play (Notre Dame) and you move up three spots in the coaches’ poll. Damn, Notre Dame sure whupped up on Bye, I’m gonna give them a pro-motion. Yee ha!

Joe Paterno’s hair dye and shoe polish are the same thing.

Every time I switched over to the Clemson-Georgia game the announcers were talking up Clemson QB Charlie Whitehurst, but the score was always Georgia (something) to Clemson (nothing). Methinks Georgia has at least two QBs better than Whitehurst.

My favorite was when they said that his dad, David, starred for the Packers. I remember David Whitehurst’s Packers’ career. Let’s just say he was no Doug Pedersen.

Last night during the game that would not end between Tulane and TCU, Bob Davie remarked that while this game was tough on TCU’s coach, “coaching at Notre Dame is more than dog years, it’s like ten years for every one.” It just seemed like you were there for 60 years, coach. Thankfully.

Thursday night is the kickoff to the NFL season and you know what that means…fantasy football drafts. We had our annual draft last night and because I finished fifth (out of ten) last year I got the first pick this year (don’t ask). However, we’re a keeper league this year and everybody got to keep three guys. I only had two real keepers, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander…and ended up keeping Keyshawn Johnson as my third. I might as well have kept David Akers…but I digress.

So the first pick is actually the 31st pick, and when you take the best 30 players out of the draft, the pickings get slim. Let’s just say that “With the first pick in the draft…running back William Green, Cleveland” was not made with real confidence. My team is a testiment to mediocrity and I fully expect to be picking number one again next year. Whoop de damn do.

I did however, draft Keyshawn’s cousin, Chad Johnson of the Bengals, in a later round, just so I could hear them yell, “Give US the damn ball.” Sigh.

—

The Cubs waited, and the fans waited and got drunk, and then the Cubs slapped the Cardinals around like the little bitches they are. Muahahahahahahaha!

Mike Downey enjoyed the long day’s journey into night.

Marcus Giles and Mark Prior are hoping to run into each other (literally) in the playoffs.

Dusty Baker’s got a little Winston Churchill in him.

Phil Rogers just figured out that the Cubs have better pitchers than the Cardinals.

Rosey’s new term is rouge backside, and nobody has a bigger rouge backside than Rosey. How ironic.

The Bears are bringing in some chaff, even for them, to try out for guard.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to try and act like he knew Mark Prior would beat the Cardinals.

If you’re thinking about investing in an Alex Gonzalez customized jersey…stop!

Drew Henson is finally giving up baseball. Just what the NFL needs…another guy who doesn’t really want to play there, yet who somebody will pay tens of millions of dollars. Great!

Peter Gammons’ latest. He thinks Kerry will be an ace closer someday.

The Bears need a real safety and suddenly Lawyer Milloy is available. Hmmm.

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

The Jerry Lewis telethon raised $60 million this year. Thanks mainly to the Cubs-Cardinals rain delay, during which Karry Ling pledged $37 million. Good luck getting it out of him, though.

Somebody call Bruce Willis!

Mariah Carey needs some lovin’.

Charles Bronson was 89 years old. Yikes.

Toyota has a car that can park itself. Mine can too. I just point it at the spot I want to park in, get out and let it crash into the spot. How tough is that?

Excuse me, waiter, this lobster tastes like herpes.

The world’s greatest newspaper with the story of an alien who got a DUI for crashing his spaceship into Nevada. Well, of course he did.