Another Cubs season is, for all intents and purposes, over, and unlike the last couple of years there was no awkward champagne celebration for a playoff spot followed by three straight kicks to the balls. This year just the dull pain of a team that’s just not good enough.
And increasingly people are blaming Jim Hendry and Lou Piniella. Well I’ve got news for you dumbasses. You’re half right.
And only half right.
Those of you out there who think the Cubs should fire Lou, or short of that, who are hoping that Lou skips the final year on his contract and retires, ought to think long and hard. Because the Cubs went a long time between good managers, and they’re going to do it again.
So don’t be so fast to want this guy to leave town. As bad as things have been this year, had any of the immortals before him including Dusty Baker, Jim Riggleman, Don Baylor, Jim Frey, Don Zimmer and yes, even Jim Essian been at the helm, this wouldn’t have been an August swoon, this thing would have been irretrievable in May.
Lou’s not out of it, he’s not asleep on the job, and the game hasn’t passed him by. His stammering press conferences (which I love, by the way) are that way because he’s trying to be careful what he says. As Ron Santo would say, “Believe me…” if Lou took the filter off there’d be no stammering, there would however be a long string of expletives directed at the corner outfielders and middle infielders and especially that cesspool of a bullpen.
I’m not so sure that good managers add that many wins to any team. But I know damn well that bad managers can pile up the losses. The good ones don’t get in the way of the winning. The bad ones can’t get out of the way.
The big knock on Joe Torre when he was with the Yankees was that he didn’t do anything. He just wrote out the lineup, puffed up his hemorrhoid donut and watched another interminable four and a half hour American League game and left with a win.
As much as we all hate Tony LaRussa (and we do all hate Tony LaRussa) he’s at his best when he does the least. The more he’s fucking with lineups and the bullpen and dreaming up ways to reinvent the game, the worse the Cardinals do. You can look at it as him screwing things up by meddling, but more likely he knows enough to not mess with what’s working when it’s actually working.
So when Lou leaves–and even if it’s not this October it’ll be next–the Cubs will have to hire a new manager, and I can guarantee you it won’t be a lateral move, and sure as hell won’t be an improvement.
Without Lou, the Cubs won’t just be less interesting, they’ll be less successful, and it’s hard to imagine this luckless franchise being even worse than it has been.
But consider, that if Lou left at the end of the year that these three dopes would be the leading contenders, and then honestly tell me you still want to see him go.
1. Alan Trammell
Current job: Bench coach, Chicago Cubs
Baseball Claim to Fame: Hall of Fame caliber shortstop for the Detroit Tigers 1977-1996, 1983 American League Most Valuable Player, six time All-Star, four Gold Gloves, three Silver Slugger awards
Managerial Claim to Fame: Lost 119 games in his first season as manager of the Detroit Tigers. Managed two more years and didn’t finish in last place either season. Hey, it’s something. If he starts 114-0 in his next job his career record will end up back at .500.
Reasons to think he’d be a good manager: He was barely six seasons removed from his playing career when the Tigers begged him to manage a truly terrible club. As terrible as the Tigers were he had no infamous run ins with any of his players and the players were genuinely disappointed when he was fired after the 2005 season.
Reasons to think he’d be a bad manager: He lost 119 games one season. Holy shit.
Likelihood he would be the next Cubs manager: If Lou leaves on good terms, Alan’s probably his most likely successor. One of the reasons he left the same job in San Diego was because Lou was only going to be a three or four year manager with the Cubs. But his future probably hinges on Jim Hendry having a secure job when Piniella leaves. If Jim gets canned, nobody on the current Cubs’ staff stands a chance, and if Jim’s job is flapping in the breeze he’s likely to want more of a “name” to avoid some of the heat.
2. Bob Brenly
Current job: Television analyst, Chicago Cubs
Baseball Claim to Fame: Was a better player than he pretends to be. He was an All-Star in 1984, he played nine seasons in the big leagues, and his biggest problem was a lack of consistency on offense. His batting average routinely went up or down between 30 and 70 points from season to season. He’s also a really good announcer for whatever that’s worth.
Managerial Claim to Fame: Won the 2001 World Series with the Arizona Diamondbacks in his first season as manager. Won even more games (98 as oppsed to 93 in 2001) in 2002 and led the Diamondbacks back to the playoffs. (They got swept by the Cardinals.) Got canned with his team in last place and 21 games under .500 barely halfway through the 2004 season.
Reasons to think he’d be a good manager: He won a World Series. He vocally despises the spotty effort the Cubs currently display. He hates it when players wear their sunglasses on their hats. He’s already learned how to leave the playoffs with three straight losses, something that is mandatory for Cubs’ managers.
Reasons to think he’d be a bad manager: He did a lot of dumb shit in his tenure with the Diamondbacks. He tried to convince BK Kim to kill himself by continually throwing him out on the mound in Yankee Stadium in the World Series with his arm hanging by a thread and confidence hanging by even less. As early as November of 2001 smart guys like me were writing clever things like, “Bob Brenly is the worst manager ever to win a World Series.” And smart guys like me are always right. Except when we are horribly, tragically, awfully wrong.
Likelihood he’ll be the next Cubs manager: Probably not that good. I mean the Cubs didn’t hire Joe Carter when they canned Riggleman, so what kind of chance does Bob have? But seriously, it’s not all that likely that Jim Hendry would hitch his career to Brenly, and that’s what his next managerial hire will entail.
3. Ryne Sandberg
Current job: Manager, Tennessee Smokies, Cubs AA Southern League affiliate
Baseball Claim to Fame: Hall of Fame second baseman for the Cubs (and Phillies), 1984 National League MVP, ten-time All-Star, nine Gold Glove awards, seven Silver Slugger awards, mostest bestest defensive second baseman of all-time.
Managerial Claim to Fame: Gets thrown out of lots of games. Went to Cooperstown for two days in 2008 to attend the Hall of Fame ceremony and his team was so rudderless without him that they got in a fight and one of his pitchers is now in jail for trying to kill a fan with a baseball.
Reasons to think he’d be a good manager: Uh…because he’s Ryne Sandberg and he was an awesome player? Because his minor league teams haven’t sucked? His career minor league managerial record is 116-123 (.485) which isn’t terrible.
Reasons to think he’d be a bad manager: How do I say this lightly? He’s not the…, no that’s going to be to harsh. He can be…no, not it. Fine. He’s dumb as a fucking post. There, I said it. All those years he was a player and he was reticent to talk to the media, we assumed he was shy, or introverted or that he just didn’t trust the media. But now that he likes talking to the media, it’s clearer that he’s kind of an idiot. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The fact he gets thrown out of so many games is disturbing. He wouldn’t say shit if he had a mouthful as a player but he apparently is unhinged as a manager. When he did it early on last year in Peoria, you figured that it was his way of changing people’s perceptions that he was too mild mannered. But he continues to do it. It’s worrisome. Back in his playing days he was observant that he never noticed that his wife was banging anybody in the clubhouse with even a hint of dark skin. That included Yosh Kawano.
Likelihood he’ll be the next Cubs manager: I don’t think Hendry would hire him to replace Lou. I’ve gotten the feeling that when Ryne complained that he didn’t get considered for the job after the 2006 season that Hendry told him he needed to manage in the minors first, but didn’t think Ryne would actually want to do it. But if Hendry gets the axe (that would of course mean the Cubs have been sold, which despite the Manolantern’s bleatings to the contrary, doesn’t seem to ever want to happen), the new GM is going to feel some pressure from the hordes of dopey Cubs fans who think Ryne would be great, and if Sandberg can bullshit his way through an interview and fake competence, I wouldn’t bet against it.
No matter how this works out, it’s going to be for the worse.
You’ve been warned.
There is no way in hell Piniella should be fired at the end of the year but I wouldn’t be surprised if he said “fuck it” and quit. I hope to hell he doesn’t though.
A better, and possibly even more depressing topic, is who the next GM will be.
There is no way in hell Piniella should be fired at the end of the year but I wouldn’t be surprised if he said “fuck it” and quit. I hope to hell he doesn’t though.
A better, and possibly even more depressing topic, is who the next GM will be.
Ok smart guy. Who do you think SHOULD/COULD replace the great Lou?
I’m not doing anything.
What am I? Chopped liver?
Me?
I’m talking to YOU, GoDR. Both of you.
Oh boy. I like this post a lot, but one of these stupid things could actually happen, and the worst probably is most likely.
I have had exactly the same thoughts about Sandberg since hearing some of his rare comments to the press during his playing days. I thought that he must be a natural talent, because he did not seem capable of figuring anything out — he is as dumb as a block of wood. If it happened, it would be like the Peter Sellers character from “Being There” managing the Cubs.
Buy a vowel lady.
You’re right, Andy. Any asshole whose team loses 119 games in a season, no matter how bad his players are, obvoiusly can’t manage for jack shit.
So, they shouldn’t replace Lou because he’s less incompetent than three other potential managers? I know you have a throbbing man-crush on him, but Lou has done a disturbing number of mentally retarded things this year. I don’t want Trammell, Brenly, or Sandberg, either. Fortunately, the Cubs don’t have to limit their inevitable search to those three guys.
has changed his Facebook status to “available”
Andy,
I remember listening to Lou in the Fox broadcast both several years ago before he came here. What I geard then was the definition of “He’s dumb as a fucking post.” This is the man you believe to be a genious now.
Although, I like both Alan and Bob, I don’t believe that either would be that successful here.
On Sandberg, I believe you are wrong.
Take this sentiment; “mostest bestest defensive second baseman of all-time” add a little blind focus on being the best, which explains the whore of a wife thing, and you get the exact thing we all want.
Lou is fiery, but Sandberg is unhinged?
You’re talking out your ass!
“now that he likes talking to the media, it’s clearer that he’s kind of an idiot” One good example please? Just one.
Fox broadcast booth.
Kermit, they don’t have to limit their search to those three, but they’re the three most likely replacements. Oh, and Willie Randolph, because he’s tan enough to fill Bud’s quota requirement for the interview.
As for you, asshole, (#13), it’s not so much what Ryne says as how he says it. If they ever do a Life Goes On reunion and Corky’s not available, Ryno can fill in and nobody will notice.
And I’ll admit my manlove for Lou. Call me crazy, but I’ve enjoyed having a competent manager for the last three years. But you guys are all right, he’s a blithering idiot and anybody the Cubs get will be so much better. It’s going to be awesome.
Oh, thanks for clearing that up #14, we’d have needed a decoder ring to decipher your typo.
I don’t think Lou is an idiot. I think, for the most part, he has made a lot of great decisions in Chicago. Hell, just this year, I thought he was insane to keep Wells in the rotation over Marshall, and we all know how successful both have been in their given roles. Plus, I think this roster would have sucked balls for ANY manager past, present, or future. But Lou has made a bunch of terrible decisions this year, too, and I think he genuinely hates managing this team right now. I think it would be classless and pointless to fire him, but I’m not going to weep when he steps down at the end of the season.
No, you clearly think Lou is an idiot. But you guys are the idiots!
Boom, roasted!
Shit, I’m witty!
anyone remember me? I lost a world series a couple years ago
When I leave, I’m going out in style…taking people out. If Soriano doesn’t get his lazy ass moving, he’s first. Then doughnut boy for handcuffing me with aaron miles, david patten, and aaron heilmann. stupid f’er! Oh, then taking out the talking shrimp on the southside.
Uh, hey guys… remember me??? I’ll drop my Sox-love faster than Gordo drops a buffet table if you give me a shot…
I’m bracing myself for the inevitable Lou retirement presser about six minutes after the last regular season game ends.
Sloth,
I couldn’t agree more.
He has had that look of why am I here for the last month.
May I humbly suggest we go back to suck in “The How Are Things Going” and the new Dumbass Du Jour: CUBS FANS.
I’ve had that look for two months (23) and I’m not retiring.
Andy,
You have no place to go.
Lou, has a beach house in Tampa.
Besides, you’re a masochist.
That’s what we love about you.
I hope I get to end up the closer on a CONTENDER.
Some host on the Score today suggested that the Cubs fire Lou Pinella in the closing games of the season, because clearly that would have the same effect that it supposedly had on the Brewers last year when they canned Yost.
(Except that the reason the Brewers made the playoffs was because CC Sabathia was fucking ridiculous, which is basically what the other guy who was hosting said.)
I wondered who the hell could make such an outlandishly radical idea up, and then I found out as they went to a break that these words were spoken by Steve Rosenbloom.