And so, as the Cardinals board their haywagon for the drive down 55 back to St. Louis, they are full of regret. For four straight days they managed to find a way to lose to the Cubs. Today, they used their now patented fall back from ahead strategy and managed to lose a game that Shawn Estes…Shawn Freakin’ Estes pitched for the Cubs.
That my friends is like going on a date with Carnie Wilson and having her tell you she doesn’t find you attractive. It’s sure to have happened, but nobody’s ever actually seen it happen.
Let us count the joyful ways in which the Cubs managed to ruin Al Hrabosky’s supper four times in four days.
Monday: Cubs 7, Evil Satanic Fowl 0
Mark Prior humiliates the Cardinals over eight innings. In the Cubs fifth inning they manage to score six runs without even trying. Due mainly to bad Cardinals defense (or weird defensive positioning by the Genius) the Cubs hit a number of rollers and dribblers. The only truly hard hit ball of the inning came from…The Franchise himself.
Woody Williams was knocked out early, despite throwing 112 pitches and donning the Shawn “Please get me out of here” Estes look for most of his stint.
Tuesday: Game One, Cubs 4, Evil Satanic Fowl 2; 15 glorious innings
The Sammy Sosa time capsule has another entry as an emotionally and physically pooped superstar battled the early evening shadows to send Jeff Fassero’s 0-2 meatball to a happy grave in the bleachers. After 15 innings, a million pitching changes and enough bad pinch hitters to fill the Pirates’ roster, the Cubs win a game that they never win.
Game Two, St. Louis 2, Cubs 2, Umpires -2, result, St. Louis 2, Cubs 0
Already struggling on offense, the last thing the Cubs needed was for a bad call by a replacement ump to cost them the tying runs in the seventh inning of the second game of a very long day. The resulting melee after the inning caused the ejections of El Pulpo and Moises Alou, but gave Pulpo a chance to show off the moves the Jeff Torborg’s professional wrestler kid, Dale, taught him in Miami two years ago. (At least when Pulpo wasn’t hiding from him under an enormous pile of dirty towels in the Marlins’ clubhouse.
Why does Major League Baseball let umpires take vacation time during September and October? Isn’t that kind of like a department store letting their Santa Claus take off time in December? Hey, if the fat suit fits…
Wednesday: Cubs 8, Evil Satanic Fowl 7
The most glorious of Cubs wins over the Deadbirds in ages started off a 6-0 Cardinals romp. But somebody tore the pages out of Dave Duncan’s stupid little three-ring binder with the notes on how to get Moises Alou out. Five hits later, the last one would drive in the winning run in the eighth. The perfect day would end with Regular Joe Borowski striking out collie molester Jim Edmonds to finish the game off. You know what they call teams who blow six run leads in pennant races? Well, they usually call them the Phillies, but they also call them at home during the playoffs, because that’s where they’ll be.
Thursday: Cubs 7, Evil Satanic Fowl 6
This one had ugly written all over it. Shawn Estes, who might as well change his name to “Boo” took the mound with a chance to give the Cubs a definitive four games to one win in the series. In the first inning, Moises Alou lost a flyball in the sun and the Cardinals took a two run lead. If that wasn’t bad enough, Sammy Sosa got ejected early on by red assed umpire Bill Hahn (Hohn? Who cares?). It was almost like the umpires wanted to remind us what pricks they’d been all week. Somehow the Cubs scratched out a lead in the fifth and Estes was put to sleep…er, rest, er the bench. Todd Wellemeyer came in and that wasn’t all that great and then Mike Remlinger. The Cardinals offense stalled and the Cubs got a big hit from Tony Womack? Really? Man, the Cardinals must HATE that guy. Hee hee. The Farns did a nice job in the eighth and Regular Joe managed to do two fun things. He got to hit Fernando Vina in the ninth and he got to finish a game for the third straight day in a win as the crowd at Wrigley went nuts.
This week has been a testament to what complete morons most of the media are. Where are twits like Turkey Neck Mariotti, or former Cubs slacker Brian McRae, or the always witty Dan McNeil when the Wrigley crowds are into every pitch and screaming full throat every time there’s two strikes on a hitter? These were five games when Cubs fans proved their worth. They shouted down the annoying Cardinals fans who followed the advice of Chip Caray and flocked north, in their bondo-riffic automobiles or buggies or whatever the hell they drive. I just have a feeling they all still think they have to say “Woah” to get their cars to stop.
Sure there were plenty of hot babes and dumbasses with cell phones. But the park was full of real baseball fans, who saw five great games in four days. Wrigley will never be the same.
We hope.
As for those of us who literally lived and died with every pitch for hours upon hours this week, now’s a good time to look back and realize that maybe this will be the team that leaves us at the end of the season without that inevitable feeling of, “Why did I waste my time on these bozos?”
The long, loud, standing ovation that the Cubs got as they headed to the dugout after today’s win was heartfelt and deserved.
But we’re Cubs fans, after all. We’ll start worrying about the Brewers in a few hours.
But for now we can just take a moment to kick back and remember fondly the week we put the Cardinals in their rightful place.
Third place, that is.
Through me all things are possible.
Somebody post that damn bandwagon picture before the damn thing fills up.
Anybody having fun, yet?
Anything you say, Dusty, sir.
Now that we’ve disposed of the Appalachian masses from down I-55, let’s sober up and remember the trailer-bound, bib-wearing rednecks
from up north in Colby Jack Land.
At least until Sunday, that is, when the Packers give these people reason to break out the new pair of Oshkosh.
Point is–there’s still a road to hoe here. Ain’t over yet. Go Cubs.
I hereby decree Dusty as the new King of Chicago.
Word to Mike D. I can’t tell you how gratifying it is going to be to see thousands and thousands of drunken FIBs tailgating with Old Style and overrunning the Big Green Air Shelter that is Miller Park this weekend.
Now just don’t lose two of three to Royce Clayton and Co….
40,000 tickets sold.
Oh, to be a state trooper on I-94. You’d be able to pay for your kid’s college tuition if you got paid for each ticket.
Abe Froman told me to stop by and check out the site.
I thought Randall Simon was the new Sausage King of Chicago?
Sorry, Abe, but I have taken your title.
Sincerely,
Randall simon
I’ve read some stupid shit in my time… but you sir, are a cum stain on the bedsheets of life.
Well, Dougy D,
You must be a real expert because you’ve read him a whole one time!
Maybe if you, like me, read him more than 100 times, been called a fat moron by him and e-mailed him back with at 3 in the morning six weeks after he insulted me, would you be able to call yourself an expert on Desipio.com, cumstains, bedsheets or life.
I’m an expert on all four things as well as Felix Pie. Did I tell you he needs better control of the strike zone?
Oh, I got to go eat now.
Gee, I thought that lately Andy has been relatively reserved.
So, let me understand this…It is a "punishment" that I do not have to watch Antonio Alfonseca pitch for seven days? Bob Watson needs to hand out more "punishments" like this. Maybe he can "punish" Augie Ojeda, Paul Bako and Shawn Estes. I’m sure they have run afoul of the law somewhere along the line.
I’m going to keep doing this until the Cubies win the WORLD SERIES.
Damn. The above was animated. A tad funnier when it’s moving. A little help….
It is times like this that my lip reading friend would come in handy.
Cunning and deceit will every time serve a man better than force. by texas hold’em