Compared to the long, languid pace of baseball, a football season seems to go by in a blink.  Sure, it’ll take the Bears until January just to play out their regular season, but who has the patience for that?

Why don’t we just go through the schedule ourselves and figure out what their record is going to be?

This, coming from a guy who thought the Cubs were a lock to win more than 90 games this year.

But hey, they only need to go 24-8 to make that happen.  No problem.

So yeah, you should probably take this with a big honkin’ grain of salt.

Here’s how we’re going to do it.  We’re going to make a case why the Bears could lose each game, and a case for why they should win each game.  Whichever case is stronger wins.  We do that 16 times, and we’ve got their record.  Then, we all fly to Vegas and bet our homes on it.

Who’s with me?

Sunday, September 13 at Green Bay, NBC, 7:20pm

Why the Packers could win: Last year Green Bay pantsed the Bears at Lambeau 37-3.  Aaron Rodgers and his ridiculous haircut threw for a pair of scores and 227 yards, and Ryan Grant’s career was exhumed and he ran for a ludicrous 145 yards and a touchdown.  Mason Crosby, the oompa loompa faced kicker made three field goals, and the Packers returned a fumble for a touchdown.  It was ugly early.

Green Bay is switching to a 3-4 defense this year and loaded up on white linebackers to help run it.  Wait, that shouldn’t be under the “could win” section, should it?

Much of Lovie’s success against the Packers came with the great Brett Farvuhruh at the helm.  Lovie’s Rams once picked Brett off SIX times in a playoff game.  Against the less reckless Rodgers the Bears got smoked in one game and pulled another out of their ass in overtime.

So it might actually be harder for the Bears to continue to beat the Packers without the Hall of Fame hillbilly obsessed with his lawn mower.

Why the Bears will win: The loss at Lambeau last year was the first time the Bears lost there under Lovie.  He’s 4-1 there, and 3-2 against Green Bay at home.  Seven and three against your arch rival will get it done.

There’s a reason the Packers are overhauling their defense.  It was beyond lousy last year.  They ranked 20th or worse in points allowed, yards allowed, touchdowns allowed, rushing attempts, rushing yards allowed, and rushing touchdowns allowed.  They were third in interceptions and were pretty good at turning those into points.  But the reason the Bears will win the Sunday night opener is because it’s going to take the Packers a while to figure out their new defense, and for the first time in a long time the Bears show up for the game with a quarterback able to make the opponents pay for being in the wrong spot at the wrong time.

Projection: Bears Win  (1-0 overall, 1-0 NFC North)

Sunday, September 20 v. Pissburgh, Fox, 3:05 pm

Why the Steelers could win: You mean other than the fact that they’re the defending Super Bowl champions?  Or that if the Bears pass rush isn’t vastly improved from the invisible one they employed last year that Ben Roethlisberger will just stand back there for like four minutes on every pass attempt waiting for somebody to get open?  Or because last year the Steelers defense ranked first in the NFL in points allowed, yards allowed, passing yards allowed, net passing yards allowed per attempt, and rushing yards allowed?  Other than that, I can’t think of any reason why they might win.

Why the Bears will win: This one’s easy.  It simply involves breaking the TV in Roethlisberger’s room at the Hilton and Towers the Saturday before the game, and then having a slightly chubby, completely insane blonde hotel worker on call to help “fix it” for him.  If you know what I mean.  Wink, wink.  Suddenly it’s Charlie Batch running the show and the Bears are 2-0.

Projection: Bears Win, Roethlisberger missing until hours after game time (with the clap no less)  (2-0, 1-0 NFC North)

Sunday, September 27 at Seattke, Fox, 3:05 pm

Why the Seattke Seahawks could win: Everybody knows that Seattke, Washington is known for three things.  1) It rains a lot forcing people to kill themselves, 2) diabetic friendly TV dinners and 3) their crazy fans forcing lots of penalties on opposing teams.

Why just last year the Seahawks were only 2-6 on the road, but they were 2-6 at home.  What?  Hey that’s not that good.

But they have a new coach, Jim Mora Jr. who is a lot better than the old coach.  What?  Wait, Mike Holmgren may have looked like a manatee, but he was a damn good coach.

OK, how about this, they had lots of injuries and everybody’s back and Matt Hasselbeck has never been balder or better and…shit, the Bears had better not be able to lose this.

Why the Bears will win: The last time the Bears went to Seattle was in 2007 and Rex was the quarterback and Cedric Benson had the longest rush of his awe inspiring career (43 yards to paydirt) and the Bears got out to a 10-0 lead.  It was 17-17 by the half, the the Bears lost 30-23.  But the Seahawks were actually good, and the Bears were…not so much.

Besides, the Tribune doesn’t even bother to spell Seattle right (hence the Seattke) and there’s no way in hell they’ll get Houshmanzadeh right, so what kind of chance do the Seahawks have?

Projection: Bears Win (3-0, 1-0 NFC North)

Sunday, October 4 v. Detroit, Fox, noon

Why the Lions could win: A meteor could crash onto the field as the Bears were running out of the tunnel.

Why the Bears will win: It’s the Lions.

Projection: Bears Win (4-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Sunday, October 18 at Atlanta, NBC, 7:20 pm

Why the Falcons could win: Well, they won last year, in impossible fashion.  After dominating the Bears for most of the game, their defense let Kyle Orton drive down the field and hook up on a beautiful TD pass to Rashied Davis to give the Bears a 20-19 lead with just seconds left.  No way the Bears could screw this up, right?  Well, they were gunshy because Harry Douglas had broken a long return on them earlier in the game and set up a Falcon touchdown, so they had Robbie Gould squib the kickoff and he did a crap job.  One deep out to Michael Jenkins later the Falcons are kicking a 48 yard field goal and winning the game.  Guh.  That could happen again.  They made Kyle Orton cry, for chrissakes.  Bullies!

Why the Bears will win: A less than dominant Bears defense last year held Michael Turner to 54 yards rushing on 25 attempts and 23 of those came on one carry.  That’s right, Turner, the second leading rusher in the NFL last year had 21 yards on the other 24 attempts.  Against a Bears defense that wasn’t exactly stout last season.  Clearly this is a team the Bears defense matches up with.  As long as they don’t need 22 yards with seven seconds left in a game, and they have to get out of bounds or the game is over.  Other than that, they’re set.

Projection: Bears Win (5-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Sunday, October 25 at Cincinnati, Fox, Noon

Why the Bengals could win: Because they have superstar halfback Cedric Benson and… (I can’t even type that with a straight face.)

Why the Bears will win: I’d be surprised if Carson Palmer is still upright by week seven of the NFL schedule.  The Bengals had a lousy offensive line last year and they got him killed, and it might be worse this year.  They drafted manboobtastic Andre Smith in the first round, didn’t sign him for the first six weeks of camp and then he broke his foot on day two once he signed.  Have you seen Hard Knocks?  Does that look like a good team?  They moved a defensive lineman to offensive tackle in the second week of the preseason games!  He’s no Bigcat Williams.  The Bengals are going to be awful, again.  I do like Rey Maualuga though, and I hand it to NFL scouts and coaches again.  One of the best defensive players in the nation the the last three years made it to the second round because…nobody has a good reason.

Projection: Bears Win (6-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Sunday, November 1 v. Cleveland, CBS, Noon

Why the Browns could win: This is a team that hasn’t scored an offensive touchdown since November 17, 2008.  I’m not making this up.  Hell, if you throw in the preseason they didn’t even do it until the second week, even in games that don’t count they can’t score.  They’re shitty.

Why the Bears will win: I didn’t make much of a case for the Browns up there, did I?  You know what I just wrote about Maualuga?  It’s looking like it doesn’t really apply to Brady Quinn.  Maybe Jeff Samardzija knew what he was doing by not pretending he could play football after Notre Dame.

Projection: Bears win (7-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Sunday, November 8 v. Arizona, Fox, Noon

Why the Cardinals could win: Because Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so much better than anybody in the Bears secondary that I’m already terrified of the horrific things they’re going to do the Bears two months from now?

Why the Bears will win: Even in this really objective projection, if this game was in Arizona I don’t think I could pretend the Bears would win, and no, I don’t think the Cardinals are all that good, but this is not a good matchup for the Bears.  But it’s in Chicago.  They won’t even need Dennis Green to figure out a way to beat Arizona in Chicago in November.  Besides, the Bears should be hitting Kurt Warner a lot during this game, and when he’s hit he fumbles.  He’s like Dave Krieg, only good.

Projection: Bears win (8-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Thursday, November 12 at San Francisco, NFL Network, 7:20 pm

Why the Niners could win: Because Mike Singletary will suit up and play middle linebacker for them.  And maybe Joe Montana will play some QB.

Why the Bears will win: Playing Sunday in Chicago and Thursday in California is not ideal, but it shouldn’t be that big of an issue.  The Niners were much improved after Singletary took over last year, but they still only beat bad teams.  The Bears aren’t a bad team.

Projection: Bears win (9-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Sunday, November 22, v. Philadelphia, NBC, 7:20 pm

Why the Eagles could win: If they stay healthy, they might be the best team in the NFC.  I’m not sure why they added Michael Vick, who will probably be more of a distraction than a help.  If Brian Westbrook stays healthy, they’ve got a lot of weapons.  And a pretty good defense.

Why the Bears will win: Because there’s no chance in hell that Westbrook will still be healthy in late November.  It’s probably 50-50 that Donovan McNabb will be.  Plus, they lost their middle linebacker in the preseason and their defensive coordinator died.  Plus, Andy Reid’s kids will be just about ready to violate their parole by then.

Projection: Bears win (10-0, 2-0 NFC North)

Sunday, November 29, at Minnesota, Fox, Noon

Why the Vikings could win: They have the best offensive player in the NFL in Adrian Peterson (not “the original” Adrian Peterson, though, the Bears have him), they have a great run defense, and they added some painkiller addicted old guy so that they don’t have to play Tavaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels at QB.

Why the Bears will win: Because Brett Favre is still living off his rejuvenated 2007 season.  That’s the only year since 2005 that he’s had more TD passes than INTs.  Plus, Lovie is 7-2 against Favre, and his defenses catch more TD passes from him than Brett’s offenses do.  And, Brad Childress is the Vikings coach.

Projection: Bears win (11-0, 3-0 NFC North)

Sunday, December 6 at St. Louis, Fox, Noon

Why the Rams could win: They can’t.

Why the Bears will win: Steve Spagnuolo has a big job ahead of him.  A big job.  The Bears didn’t play well in the Eddie Jones Dome in their Super Bowl season, but Devin kept returning kicks for scores and they ended up winning easily.  They won’t even need those (though one or two would be nice) this time.

Projection: Bears Win (12-0, 3-0 NFC North)

Sunday, December 13 v. Green Bay, Fox, Noon

Why the Packers could win: They should have won the game at Soldier Field last year.  The Bears made just enough plays including the block of an easy as pie game winning field goal, and the overtime coin toss hit Brian Urlacher in the head.  But they didn’t win.  And the beatings will continue, Green Bay.  Learn to love it.

Why the Bears will win: If you throw out the game at the end of the 2006 season (the New Year’s Eve game when Rex played drunk) that meant nothing to the Bears because they already had home field wrapped up, the Bears have won six of the last seven meetings between these two teams, and the only game they lost was the ass kicking at Lambeau (was Curly Lambeau really a football coach, or a fat stripper at one of those wooded strip clubs near Appleton?) last year when Ryan Grant ran wild.  The Bears take away the Packers run game and make them one-dimensional, and then they start blitzing the shit out of the QB.  Rodgers is less pick prone than Favre, but the strategy still works.  The Pack won’t run at Soldier Field, and they won’t win.

Projection: Bears Win (13-0, 4-0 NFC North)

Sunday, December 20 at Baltimore, Fox, Noon

Why the Ravens could win: Ray Lewis is getting old, but the guys around him can still make enough plays to let him do what he does best.  Chase down running backs and scream incoherent things at the quarterback.  Ed Reed is the real dominant force on the defense.  Joe Flacco looks like a keeper at quarterback, and they can run the ball, even if their receiving corps makes the Bears’ look like the 80’s Niners by comparison.

Why the Bears will win: As Admiral Ackbar would say “It’s a trap!”  This is a bad game to play at this time of year in between games with the Packers and Vikings.  Besides, I’m the biggest homer this side of Doug Buffone and even I can’t pretend they can win this many games.  They’re better than the Ravens, but they’re not going to beat them.

Projection: Bears Lose (13-1, 4-0 NFC North)

Monday, December 28 v. Minnesota, ESPN, 7:30 pm

Why the Vikings could win: It could be 50 degrees.

Why the Bears will win: It won’t be.  Not only are the Vikings a dome team, but their new old quarterback has been terrible in the very cold, and Bears fans still remember fondly that December ass kicking the Bears gave the 14-2 Packers in 2007 when Favre was rubbing those handwarmer things all over his face.  He might want to set himself on fire in the second half of this one.

Projection: Bears Win (14-1, 5-0 NFC North)

Sunday, January 3, at Detroit, Fox, Noon

Why the Lions could win: If the Bears really were 14-1 (hah!) going into the season finale, it would be the Caleb Hanie show in this one.

Why the Bears could win: Caleb might be enough to beat these Lions.  Hey, Detroit’s going to win three or four games this year, I just doubt any of them are going to be at the Bears’ expense.

Projection: Bears Win (15-1, 5-0 NFC North)

So there you have it.  It’s so easy when you look at it scientifically.  Fifteen and one.  Hey, the Super Bowl’s in Miami, it be nice to get a little payback on Peyton down there this year.

And yes, I was completely, 100 percent, drunk off my ass as I wrote this.