Hello again from San Juan. I’m having a hard time convincing Karry Ling that even though we’re in another country, that we’re actually still in the United States. Last night he was running through the streets around Hiram Bithorn Stadium with a bottle of Malibu screaming, “You can’t arrest me, I have diplomatic immunity!” It’s a good thing the cops thought he was funny, because he can’t run very fast in the first place, but when his pants are around his ankles, he’s especially slow…and teetery.

Thanks to Augie Ojeda’s wife giving us tickets last night we were set, and the seats were pretty good. We were about ten rows up behind the Cubs dugout and that’s perfect because it gives you a view completely unobstructed by chicken wire.

It was Fried Chicken Entrails night at the park, and everybody got a coupon upon entry that entitled them to “Fried Chicken Entrails on Stick, brought to you by the Puerto Rico Tourism Board.” Let’s just say I wasn’t that psyched, so Karry got to have two.

I was going to do one of those lame ESPN Page 2 stadium reviews of Hiram Bithorn Stadium, but I’ll just hit the highlights.

Puerto Rican women are pretty attractive and it was hot, so they weren’t wearing much. However, Puerto Rican men are hairy, fat and overly sweaty and it was hot, so that evens out.

The concession stands had your standard baseball fare. That is, if standard baseball fare includes hot dogs, peanuts, Budweiser, jerk chicken, Cuban bread and sauteed beagel. Karry had a foot long Dauschund and he thought it was pretty good.

The bathrooms were interesting, they’re pretty much just a trench dug into a dirt floor and you urinate or defecate into the trench. So, it’s pretty much just like the bathrooms at Wrigley.

The park itself is about the size of a college softball field and seats…maybe…18,000 people. The US economy sucks here, too, and there were maybe 15,000 people at the game. Most were either Cubs fans or Sammy Sosa fans. Let’s just say Expos fever hasn’t exactly taken hold.

Announcements were made in Spanish and then English. It was interesting how they did it. If the Cubs were up to bat they’d introduce the hitter in English first, then Spanish. If the Expos were batting it was the other way around. Karry thought it was funny to pretend to translate when the Cubs were up. That got pretty old, pretty fast, especially when he was getting the players’ names wrong even though they had just been announced in English. How many times do we have to remind Karry that the Cubs outfield is no longer made up of Brian Dayett, Doug Dascenzo and Kevin Roberson?

Before the game, Sammy Sosa presented former Cub (and White Sock) Hiram Bithorn’s family with Troy O’Leary’s jersey. No wonder Troy wasn’t available to pinch hit.

Even though the jersey they gave Hiram’s granddaughter had a number 25 on it, they added Hiram to the retired numbers that hang on the outfield wall as number 24. Must be some metric system thing, I guess. The other retired numbers are interesting. They are 21-Roberto Clemente, 27-Luis Tiant and 6-Keith Moreland. I had no idea that Moreland was so big in Puerto Rico.

Zach Day started for the Expos and our man, Carlos Zambrano for the Cubs. The out of town scoreboard had some interesting games on it. It had cock fight results on it. A few interesting ones:

El Chupacabra defeated El Magnifico, El Chunco defeated El Pathetico and Craig Biggio beat Chip Caray.

I have no idea.

Ron Santo was unable to make the trip to Puerto Rico because of concerns for Ron’s health. That and the Puerto Rican airport security detail was concerned about whether to declare Ron’s toupee as an animal or a vegetable. So Karry was asked to fill in as the color analyst for a couple innings in the middle of the game. In case you missed it, here were some of the highlights.

Pat Hughes: We welcome world famous journalist Karry Ling to the broadcast booth. What brings you to San Juan, Karry?
Karry Ling: Fed Ex flight 234, Pat.
Pat: That’s great. Vladimir Guerrero will lead it off here for the Expos. It says here you’re a columnist for Desipio.com now. How’d you get that job?
Karry: I won it in a raffle. It was sixth place. Fifth place was a set of steak knives. I could have used those knives.
Pat: So are you a sportswriter now, Karry? We know you from your longtime radio and TV shows, of course, but you were a newspaper man, back in the day, weren’t you?
Karry: I wouldn’t say I’m a sportswriter. I dress poorly, but not that poorly. This Cubs team has certainly been a fun one to follow. What a great year. You had the Sammy Sosa corked bat thing, and the great year that the young pitchers like Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano and Bill Hands have had. Plus, the great leadership of Preston Gomez and Bob Kennedy. Just great stuff.
Pat: Yeah. Huh? OK, there’s strike two to Vladimir. What do you think of this guy?
Karry: Vladimir’s a great player, and there are statues of him all over Red Square.
Pat: OK. Guerrero grounds out to Grudzielanek for the first out. Ron Calloway is up next. Do you come to a lot of games, Karry, or do you catch most of them on TV?
Karry: Well, I watch a lot of games on TV, but I don’t listen to them. Chip Caray’s a little much for my taste. That phony disc jockey voice of his makes me want to puncture my eardrums with a rusty letter opener. So, I’ve kind of learned to just watch the game, and provide my own commentary.
Pat: Calloway strikes out on three pitches and here’s Todd Zeile. Would you like to give it a shot, Karry? Do some play by play?
Karry: Hey, sure! OK, let’s give this a shot. Montreal third baseman Tim Wallach digs in to face Cubs righthander Mike Harkey. Harkey’s given up a run on three hits so far, and best of all, he hasn’t injured himself yet. The pitch is low and away for strike one. You know, Pat, I lived in Puerto Rico for a while in the late 50s with Papa Hemingway. Man, he had some f@#$ed up cats. The f@#$ing things had six toes, just like that crappy reliever we’ve got. Wallach fouls that one back for a ball, so it’s one and one. I remember this one time, Papa and I were smoking ganja out of the barrell of a loaded 10 gauge and…there’s a line drive to center field, strike three and the inning is over. Hey, that was fun.
Pat: Yeah…it was…uh…great.

I don’t expect that WGN will be bringing Karry back any time soon.

The game had it all. Clutch hitting by the Cubs. A bad decision by Wendell Kim (Gruddy kicked the ball out Expos’ catcher Brian Schneider’s glove or he’d have been out at home), The Farns getting hit in the ass with a baseball. The Cubs won 4-3 and thanks to a freakin’ three run homer by former Cubs hack Jose Vizcaino the Expos kept pace. But not for long.

After the game, Karry and I hit some of the local nightclubs with some other Cubs fans we met. Karry went home with one of them, even though she insisted that she knew how to flush out her colostomy bag all on her own. Karry’s just that kind of guy, I guess.

This morning, thanks to the miracle of e-mail, I got this missive from longtime friend of Desipio and sometime contributor Kelly Dwyer. His Cardinals took it up the hiney at home, against the Rockies last night and are 2.5 back and in third place. Hee hee.

Doesn’t matter who the Cards were playing, but I was in a remote Wisconsin
cabin watching the entire series with my father while our friends (ok, only one
of my ‘friends’ under the age of 27) were out fishing or golfing or raising
cracker hell.

KD

Muahahahahahaha!

Tonight it’s Livan Hernandez against Matt Clement in another 95 degree sweatbath of a night. I’m off to score some tickets and we’ll have more of our San Juan adventures to report tomorrow. Until then, here are the links:

Sammy got hit in the head again, but this time it was just a glancing blow. His helmet didn’t shatter or anything.

Did I read this right? Moises Alou flew home yesterday and roasted a pig? Some guys just know how to live, don’t they?

Phil Rogers wondered how the Cubs would handle the San Juan circus. How is it any different than the one on Clark and Addison 81 times a year?

Rick Morrissey gets excited about the Sox and wonders who in the hell Carlos Pulido is.

Paul Sullivan thinks the Expos should move to Chicago for a year. I think he’s kidding. This is supposed to be humorous, right? Chicago doesn’t have enough interest for two teams, we need three?

These Bears might be the worst ever. Who’s this guy?

Joey Porter may play on Sunday. I loved the injury report. Porter: Out, bullet in buttocks.

Courtney Watson is back, and nobody’s really sure why he couldn’t play against Washington State.

The Wizard of Roz wonders why Mark Prior wasn’t pitching last night–for the Twins.

Somebody needs to edit the boring crap out of the Tuesday Morning Quarterback. But then, what would be left?

Peter Gammons’ Diamond Notes.

People can’t get enough Whoopi. But I can. Any is too much. She’s not funny. Never has been. Never will be.

Jayson Blair is going to write a book about how he decieved the NY Times. How’d you like to be the fact checker on this baby? And check out what a dwarf he is.

A Turkish girl likes to eat hair. Yikes.

Here’s your one chance Fancy, don’t let me down!

A former high school football player (what that has to do with this, I’m not sure) got eight years in prison for setting a disabled man’s beard on fire.

Those Canadians know how to pay for tuition. Get naked!

America’s finest news source with a school supplies list.