Thanks to my failure to set either my TiVo or my VCR to record the Michael Jackson special on ABC last night I feared I wouldn’t know what he said. Man, talk about being a dope.

I’m sure I missed plenty of juicy tidbits, but I did see a few things on the 20/20 and then Good Morning America highlights.

-When his daughter Paris was born he barely let the doctors cut the umbilical cord before he grabbed her covered in (his words) “placenta” and ran from the hospital?

-He once shared a bed with several of the Culkin kids? Including, as Snoop Dogg so eloquently said last week on Jimmy Kimmel Live “the little cuz from Home Alone.”
His quote about spending time with the Culkin kids was, “we would just jam in the bed, you know?” Somebody call Michael’s lawyer and get a definition of ‘jam.’

-He’s only had two plastic surgery operations? If that true, then one of them involved removing his old face and putting on a new one.

-He barely beat the rap on a child molestation rap in the ’90s, but he thought it was OK to bring a terminally ill cancer patient on the show who revealed he and Michael have shared a bed. Does anybody have the district attorney on speed dial?

-He has three blonde haired kids. He insists they’re all his, “from [his] or parts of [his] sperm.” First off, I’m not a geneticist, but if a black male and a white woman have three kids, what are the odds that even one of them would have blonde hair, much less all three? Plus, what the hell is “parts of [his] sperm?”

-He says he sleeps with kids because, “The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.” Uh…Mike. It’s ok to love people’s kids, just don’t “love” people’s kids.

He said, “We go to sleep. I put the fireplace on. I give them hot milk, you know, we have cookies. It’s very charming. It’s very sweet. It’s what the whole world should do.”

The only thing sweet about fireplaces, hot milk and cookies is Christmas Eve. Not a 44-year old crazy as bat s@#$ billionaire assembling a herd of defenseless kids into his bed.

Besides, we can only hope that “hot milk” isn’t a euphemism for something.

-He referred to his “wife” Holly Rowe’s birthing of at least two of his kids as “a lovely gesture.” No, Mikey, flowers on Valentine’s Day is a lovely gesture. Passing a human life the size of a bowling bowl between your legs is a little beyond “gesture.”

-His three kids are named Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II. What is he, George Foreman?

-Prince Michael II made his public debut at a Siegfried and Roy show. Put Jackson in a room with Siegfried and Roy and make people determine which one is the queerest. Yikes.

-He made this, soon-to-be infamous statement, “Like I said before and I’ll say it a million times: I’m not afraid to say it. If there were no children on this Earth, if someone announced all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately. I’m done. I’m done.”

The balcony? How big is the house? That’s like 15 feet. I doubt a 15 foot fall like that could kill even the most frail of billionaire pedaphile freaks.

It’s hard to get past the horrendously creepy stuff about Michael and kids, but 20/20 had a great piece last night on his face.

Cynthia McFadden interviewed a plastic surgeon who used photos of Michael from different stages of his life to show us what work he’s likely had done.

While he claims, ridiculously that he’s only had two surgeries, the plastic surgeon figures he’s had his cheeks done, his eyes done, his jaw squared, his chin done several times, his nose done multiple times and…of course…he’s had his skin bleached.

Jackson claims to have vitiligo, a skin condition that causes the skin to lose its pigment. However, vitiligo is marked by large patches of skin pigment loss, not an entire body. Jackson may have had his skin bleached to “match” his skin to one color, but most likely, he just decided he wanted to be white. Double yikes.

They showed close ups of Michael’s face, including his nose, which has been operated on so many times the tip has literally fallen off. Eww.

Anomalies Unlimited has a good look at the history of Michael’s “face.”

Thanks to TiVO I did get to see Gary Coleman’s Star Date last night, though. Oh, it was priceless.

E! set Gary up with a couple of attractive women, especially his second date–very nice. Gary is about 4’8 and his first date was 5’2 and she TOWERED over him. Wow. If he’s 4’8, I’m 6’9. Where did Arnold Jackson take her on their date?

A model train club! And when I say ‘club’ I don’t mean dance club. I mean geeky guys in somebody’s basement playing with trains.

She looked like she wanted to be shot. I don’t blame her.

Gary is…how should be put this…a bitter, assh@#$. Wow. All he does is bitch. He bitched about being a child star. He bitched about not being able to get a job. (How’s that mall security thing, going?) He bitched about not wanting to act. He bitched about wanting to act.

They went to dinner and he wouldn’t let her try any of what he ordered. But when she ran to the bathroom he said the thought things were going well, and that there’d be a second date.

They went home and while he waited on one side of the Escalade to help her out, she got out the other side and literally ran to her apartment. Hi-larry-ous. Talk about getting ditched.

He had told her that he’s never had a relationship. But then he admitted he’d had a crush on a girl when he was 12. That’s it? That was 22 years ago! We knew he was a virgin, but man…

His second date went better, but not much. The woman was very young, just out of college and still living with her parents, and her mom thought it was the funniest thing ever when she found out her daughter was going on a date with Gary Coleman.

They went to a go-kart track and got to drag race. It was really cool. E! set it up, apparently afraid of more model train footage. She beat him and he was pissed! I mean, seriously pissed. It ruined the night for him.

They ate chicken fingers and fries and the date ended.

Phyllis Diller got more action on her Star Date than Gary Coleman did. What a freakin’ loser.

Steve Rosenbloom with some random, funny stuff.

Apparently it’s hard to go from high school to the NBA. Really? Ya don’t say?

Ed Sherman wonders why the NBA is hiding the All-Star Game on cable.

Rick Morrissey with a good look at the high school kid in Syracuse who duped the recruiting experts (morons). David Huh had this news yesterday, though, Rick.

John Jackson with the same article Ed Sherman wrote. Only John has some Arena Football League ratings news.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rehash the legendary “Freeze Out” All-Star Game. Yawn.

Brad Biggs says that Jake Plummer is the best free agent quarterback. As a few of you have noted, this damns the other QBs with faint praise.

The officers who treated Chad DeBolt’s face like some untenderized meet have been cleared.

The Wizard of Roz with too much hockey nonsense.

ESPN on Purdue’s rise back to the top of the Big Ten. They’re just like the Boilers of the late ’80s. They’ll win the conference title and then lose in the first round of the NCAAs.

Tim the unpronounceable one with a look at four teams with absolutely no shot. And none of them are the Cubs!

Don Banks on the myth of Jake Plummer.

Stewey with a mediocre romp around the college basketball world.

Michael Jackson is blaming it all on the editing.

E! with reality TV news including the return of Anna Nicole and Temptation Island, new guy Michael Essany (this show looks funny–or horrible–no in between) and news that Joe Millionaire’s finale isn’t until February 17? Blecch.

Are we supposed to be excited that Tom Hanks is going to make a comedy written by the person who wrote Simone?

EW wonders who Britney is dating. OK, I’ll fess up. It’s me!

On the same Web site that we linked to about Jackson’s face, is some rehashed stuff about Kurt Cobain’s death. But it’s still pretty interesting.

Presidential hopeful John Edwards wants to party like it’s 1861!

I misread this first paragraph, in which it’s announced that MSNBC will have a new Jesse Ventura show, I thought they were now after Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Oh, how great would that be?

Oops! You want to know who has AIDS in Kentucky? Jimmy just picked up the info at a yard sale.

Michael Jackson feels betrayed. Big whup.

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