You can tell a lot about how a game is going to go on the first play, right?  Let’s hope not.  The Lions start the game with a 54 yard pass to Calvin Johnson.

The announcers are our old pal tHom Brennaman and the always full of himself Brian Billick.  The windows are off their press box booth to accommodate both egos.  Not that they aren’t deserved.  Billick has won a Super Bowl as a head coach, Brennaman has…um…well, his daddy got him a broadcasting job.

The Bears defense wakes up following the long pass over Zach Bowman’s head to hold the Lions to a 40 yard field goal attempt.  Hanson makes it, but Al Awfulava is offsides, and the Lions offense is back on the field with the ball inside the 20.  Guh.

Calvin Johnson (who against this Bears secondary could catch 400 yards worth of passes today) is open in the end zone, but Stafford misses him.  Badly.

On second down the Lions have a false start.  It’s on Gosder Cherilus.  I promise I’m not just making names up.

On the re-do of second down, Alex Brown tears Kevin Smith’s head off, and a good 10 seconds later, Alex Brown finally gets called for a facemask, and it turns out to be a terrible call.  That was an awesome tackle by Brown.  The ref, who was the player closes to the play didn’t call a penalty, but the back judge, the guy farthest away did.  Nice officiating there.  Why not put an official in the blimp and let him make some calls?

Billick says the Bears are “deficient” in the linebacking corps, then says, “I don’t mean deficient, I just mean they don’t have a lot of starters there.”  No, you meant deficient.

Kevin Smith (who I just added to my fantasy team but did not start–so he’ll score six touchdowns today) scores from a yard out.  Four of the first seven Lions points are brought to you by Awfulava not knowing where to stand on a field goal attempt, and on the back judge making shit up.  Great?

Is it wrong of me that whenever I see a commercial with “Jimmy” the fake infomercial guy on those horrific Bud Light commercials that I want to climb into the TV and punch him in the face?

About ten seconds after tHom notes that Matt Forte’s best day so far has been 66 yards, he rips one off for 61 yards.

Great sequence so far from inside the ten.  First down, Forte run for no yards.

Second down, fade to Greg Olsen and his pink shoes, he only gets about three pink toes in bounds.

Third down, Cutler dives for the pylon (every Bears fan in the world assumes as he’s in midair that he’s about to suffer a career ending injury) he is flipped over in mid-air and lands in the end zone (nice faceplant by the way) for the tying touchdown.  Give that man a candy bar!  7-7.

Foxsports.com has something called “Lunch with Benefits.”  It’s not what you think.  Curt Menefee does not give you a hand job while you eat a five dollar footlong.  Apparently it’s live chats with Fox analysts.  Just to be safe, if Charissa Thompson ever does one, I’m there.

The officials, feeling so badly about the terrible facemask call on Alex Brown, call one on Jones as he was stiff arming Nick Roach.

Chris Myers is our sideline reporter.  He says that “Lovie Smith is not a rah-rah pregame speech kind of guy.”  Do any coaches try to fire up their team by yelling “Rah rah!”

On third and a mile, the Bears let a Lions screen pass go for forever plus one yard.  Guh.

Then, the Lions run an end around to Calvin Johnson and he ends up inside the 40.  Maybe Rod Marinelli needs to break out some “Rah rah’s” for the d-line?

So far, any pass that Stafford has thrown between the hash marks hasn’t been anywhere near his receivers.  Who does he think he is, Chad Hutchinson?

The Bears blitz on third and 10 and don’t get near Stafford, and he throws to the sidelines and finds Calvin for a first down.  The Bears defense is having its ass handed to it…by the Lions.

Stafford hits Brandon Pettigrew in the end zone, but it is not caught and tHom inexplicably blames Stafford for it.  Billick pronounces Pettigrew without the r.

On another third and 10, the Bears don’t cover the awesome Will Heller (who?) and he scores on a TD pass from Stafford.

14-7 Lions.

On the next possession the Bears start by running Forte straight into the line for a yard.  Brad Maynard warms up.

Cutler misses pink shoes Olsen and Maynard comes in to kick.  Great time for a three and out, there.  Bravo.

Maynard’s punt is so good, Fox deems it unacceptable for air, and the screen goes blank as the ball drops at the six.

Now would be a good time for a three and out for Detroit.

Smith runs for two yards on first down.

On second down, Stafford either misses a handoff, or the Bears jump a slant and he has to run for about three yards.

Third and five, Johnson goes deep, the Bears blitz and Zach Bowman dry humps Calvin for a pass interference call.

First down, the entire crowd sees Jeff Backus hold Alex Brown, but there’s no call and Smith gains three yards on a little dump pass.

Brown gets one of those yards back by dumping Smith for a loss on second down.  Time for the Bears to take another nap on a third and long.

Brown sacks Stafford for a big loss, proving that Backus can’t block him without cheating.

Hester gets a big block and turns in his first good return of the 2009 season to the Lions 35.

Earl!  Bennett makes a great catch down to the ten.

First and goal from the ten.  Slant to Knox.  The Lions pull the ball out after he was down.  Cheaters.

Second down, Cutler fakes to Forte and finds a wide open Kellen Davis for an easy touchdown pass.  14-14.  With 14:14 in the second quarter.  Arne Harris would be creaming his pants trying to get a shot of that scoreboard.

So despite the great start to the game by the Lions offense it’s all square.  It would be nice for the Bears defense to build on their end to that last Detroit drive.  Is it too much to ask?  Probably.

The Lions running game is going nowhere.  First down run by Smith–Lance Briggs and his angry foot drop him for no gain.

On second down, Briggs and his angry foot beat Smith to the line on a sweep and blows it up for a three yard loss.  Briggs doesn’t make the tackle, so Wale just throws his lineman on Smith to bring him down.

Third down, Stafford throws a screen to a wide open Tommie Harris.  He then realizes that Harris is playing for the Bears.  It’s a great athletic play by Harris who was tripped up rushing on the screen but popped up in time to pick the ball out of the air.  Hey, for once, his inability to get any pressure on the QB turned out to be good!

Forte gains five yards on first and goal, he’s at the four.

tHom and Brian do not listen to each other.  (Not that I blame Brian.)

tHom just said that Harris had never had an interception before.  Second later they show Urlacher congratulating Harris and Billick says, “I don’t know how many of these Harris has had, but he’s enjoying this one.”

Second down the Bears throw to Hester out in the flat, Hester catches it at the two and looks like he’ll score, but he is hammered back by two Lions defensive backs.

Third down, Cutler’s pass is batted down by Larry Foote.

Gould makes a 25 yarder and it’s 17-14 Bears.  The Lions were offsides, so instead of fourth and goal at the four, it could be fourth and goal at the two.  Lovie elects to take the points off the board and go for it on fourth now.  Huh?

Never in doubt!  Cutler rolls and finds Olsen wide open in the end zone for a touchdown.  I like the new, more aggressive Lovie.  And if you don’t think it’s because he has a QB he can trust, you’re a dope.

21-14 Bears.

Fox airs a “So You Think You Can Dance” promo during the timeout.  Clearly they know the Bears audience.

Fox then shows Devin Hester being taken to the locker room by a couple of trainers.  Oops.

Another bad Lions kick return has them inside the 20 to start the possession.

Here’s a clusterfuck sequence.  The Lions hit Calvin for a 33 yard gain, but it looks like he only gets one foot inbounds.

Fox doesn’t show a replay, instead they go to Chris Myers (because apparently we have to see him to get any updates from him) who tells us Hester’s return to the game is questionable with a shoulder injury.

The Lions are worried the Bears will challenge the pass, so they run up to the line.  Lovie throws the flag just before the snap, the refs blow the play dead before the snap, but Detroit snaps it, so Tommie Harris tackles Stafford anyway.

Lovie loses the challenge, because it appears that Johnson got a knee inbounds, but because this game is being done by the FIFTH Fox crew, there’s only one replay angle of the play, and you can’t see shit.  Nice.

Fox finally shows Marinelli on the sidelines (you’d think this kind of story is one that tHom could harangue the shit out of) and it must make Lions fans feel great to see the coach from the only 0-16 season in NFL history.

The Bears force a punt as the Lions can’t get another first down after they win the challenge.  Earl is in for Devin to return punts and gets almost 30 yards, out to the Lions 43.

Fox’s American League playoff promo includes the Tigers but not the Twins.  So if it ends up that way today, we’ll know it’s fixed.  Fucking Bud, what an asshole.

Garrett Wolfe is in!  Whoo!  Get ready for the punt!

Wolfe gains two on a carry.  Knox gets six on a wide receiver screen.  Time to run Wolfe up the middle for no gain, just like in Seattke.

Instead they run the same play to Knox for about 10 yards.  Billick calls it a “smoke” route.  He says teams call it all kinds of things.  I’d call it Eileen.

Cutler has a long time to throw and uses it, then fumbles as he’s hit as he tries to throw.

On second down he has a long time to throw again and gets hammered for a sack.  So it’s 3rd and 26.  Time for a draw!

Instead, they run a screen pass to Wolfe, he gets twelve.  The first non-Devin offensive possession didn’t look so good.  Cutler had time but no open receivers.

Maynard takes advantage of the 12 yards Wolfe gave him and punts it out at the Lions two.

Stafford and Calvin decide to go for 98 yards on first down, but the pass is over Johnson’s head and both Peanut Tillman and Danieal Manning shove him down after the incompletion.  Bullies.  On the replay we see Peanut step on Calvin’s hand after he shoves him.  Muahahahahahahaha.

Smith takes a handoff in the end zone and it looks like there’s a huge hole, but Afalava fills it and drops him for three yards.

Chris Myers says Calvin’s hand is OK, but the Lions were checking “the range of motion on the left side of his body.”  What?

Apparently his range of motion is fine.  Johnson catches a nice pass (that somehow gets through Zach Bowman’s hands) for a first down.

Dominic Raiola false starts (yes, the center) and tHom wonders how that happens.  They run the same play on the next play and he does it again.  He’s cheating right to pull on a Kevin Smith run.

On second down, Stafford scrambles and badly outruns Wale for about 20 yards.  I really think the Lions should switch to Daunte Culpepper.

I really don’t get the commercial where people use their phones to find the lost dog.  So they find it, Tyler Hansbrough sees that and shows up at the little girl’s house to sit on her porch stairs?  Is he some kind of pedophile?  It’s not like he found the dog and took it to her house.  I don’t want to know.

The Lions throw a screen pass to Billick’s favorite guy Brandon Pettitg(r)ew, and he’s inside the 20.  Twenty-eight yards.

On third and six, Stafford finds Pettig(r)ew inside the five.  It’s almost like the Bears don’t have their best linebackers in the game.

Smith scores again.  And the Lions go 98 yards in about three minutes to tie the game.  What the fuck?

The Lions are still the Lions.  Hanson’s kickoff goes out of bounds, and it puts the ball on the Bears 40.

On second down, Cutler finds Forte for ten yards.  They are at the 50.  Billick says they need TEN more yards.  Uh…no, they need more than that, Brian.

Cutler throws a slant to Rashied Davis for about six yards.  That accomplishes nothing.  So with three seconds left the Bears have to just chuck it down the field.

The heave into the end zone is incomplete.  And at the half, it’s tied at 21 and the Bears defense looks baaaaaaaaad.

How long is a football field?  Johnny Knox says it’s 102 yards and that’s how many of them he ran to open the second half.  How can you not love that kid?

28-21, Bears.

The Lions kick returner tried to field the kickoff with his shins.  Predictably it didn’t go well.  The Lions start another drive inside the 20.

Chris Myers reports that Hester is out for the game and so is the original Adrian Peterson.

Second and long, the Bears blitz and it looks like Stafford will get away, but then Nick Roach swallows him for an eight yard loss.

Another third and long for Detroit.  The Bears have been shit at stopping them.

It’s third and 18 and it’s going to be third and 23 as Jeff Backus commits a false start.

The Lions run a draw and Lance will have none of it.  Nice start to the second half to say the least.

How about tHom saying that the Bears don’t have much of a home field advantage.  “They win a lot of games because they have better teams, but you wouldn’t say there’s a big impact by the crowd.”  I yield to the expert who announces baseball games in front of 6,000 Reds fans every day.

Earl breaks about six half-assed Lions punt team tackle attempts and is inside Lions territory to start the first offensive possession of the half.

Desmond Clark is alive.  He catches a pass for a five yard gain to set up 3rd and 7 from the Lions 35.

Cutler finds Knox who needs to make a man miss to get a first, and he makes nobody miss for no gain.

Robbie Gould is coming in to try a 52 yarder.  tHom and Brian can’t figure out which the way the wind is blowing.  (Here’s a hint, it’s behind Robbie)  And as tHom acts confident that this is lunacy, Gould makes it.  His first ever successful attempt from more than 50, and it’s 31-21.

Robbie’s got a little adrenaline now as he kicks off about five yards deep.  So the Lions will finally start a drive at the 20.

How terrible is Tennessee?  They are getting beaten 30-3 by the awful, terrible, Jags.  How do I know this?  I just checked my fantasy score and my defense (Tennessee) is a minus five.  MINUS FIVE!

Wale Ogunleye sacks Stafford for a nine yard loss.  On second, Smith gets almost half of that back on a run.  Third and long…again.

Good defense all around.  Stafford feels pressure, has nowhere to go down the field and dumps it to his fullback for no gain.  Another punt.  Half of the third quarter hasn’t passed yet and the Bears already have scored 10 points and are getting the ball back.

Billick points out that the Bears have 31 points on only 160 yards of total offense.  He then says, “It’s cliche that you need all three phases, but cliches are cliches because they are true.”

No, cliches are cliches because they have become so obvious they don’t need to be said.

Second and nine, Cutler has Knox wide open but throws a bad pass and it’s incomplete.  tHom says, “He’s thrown a number of passes high the last few weeks.”  tHom, please, by all means, take a moment and go fuck yourself.

Cutler has nobody to throw to on third down, scrambles and can’t get a first down.  Time for another punt.  Maynard knocks it out at the 17.

tHom says “This is an extremely important series and possession for the Lions.”  Wow, it’s a series AND a possession.  That is big.

So big, the Lions waste a timeout before a 2nd and six play.

After the timeout, the Lions show what good they made of their minute to convene on the sidelines.  They run a toss sweep to Smith for no gain.

Stafford is sacked by Israel Idonije, Stafford fumbles and it is recovered by Wale inside the 20.

That is the Bears 178th takeaway since 2004, the most in the NFL.  And to think, they did that without ever getting to face Rex Grossman!

Forte runs for a first down inside the ten.  If you’re scoring at home (and really, thankfully, nobody is) he had 61 yards on the first carry and here as the third quarter is winding down, he still doesn’t have 100.

But he’s getting closer, he gets four more and he’s down to the four.

I wish I could describe just how hilariously wrong Billick’s attempts to pronounce Garza and Omiyale just were.  Positively Santo-esque.

Forte gets two to the two.  Say that three times fast, Billick!

Brennaman says that the Bears rushing yards today are “grossly misleading.”  You have to pronounce “grossly” in your best condescending Brennaman tone (either Franchester or tHom).  Well, tHom, they aren’t.  Forte’s 61 yarder counts.  The fact that they haven’t rolled up a huge total number is disconcerting, but there’s nothing misleading about their total.

Here’s a play Rex would be proud of.  Olin Kreutz demonstrates his ability to step on the QB’s foot at the goal line.  He does, Cutler falls down, tries to hand off to Forte on his back and fumbles.  He gets it back and the Bears have to kick another field goal.  34-21 Bears.

The Lions get a decent return on the kickoff, but Heller gets caught holding so they will start the drive on the 11.  Ouch.

Jamar Williams drops Smith for a loss on first down.

It’s interesting, because while tHom is obsessed with how poorly the Bears are running the ball, not only have they outrushed the Lions, but Smith now has 21 yards on 17 carries.

The Lions are three and out after Stafford bounces a pass to Bryant Johnson.

Forte runs for a yard.  I’m not saying tHom’s wrong about how sad this Bears running attack is.  He’s just such an asshole about it, it makes you want to argue it.

Maynard’s punt starts the Lions inside their own 20 again, and that’s the end of the third.  34-21 Bears.

Incomplete pass on first, Smith runs for three yards on second.  Another third and long for Detroit.  The Bears turned the game when they stopped giving these up.

Oops, they just gave it up again.  Calvin catches a pass for ten yards on third and seven.

Smith runs for a loss on first down.  Lance with another great play behind the line of scrimmage.  He hit him so hard, he left him laying there and ran down the onramp away from the crash site.

Everytime the cameras show Lions offensive coordinator Scott Linehan and he flashes that look that is somewhere in between autism and confusion, you wonder just what the hell the Rams were thinking when they made him their head coach.

Stafford overthrows Calvin, but he makes an incredible catch right at the first down marker.  Holy crap, that guy is good.

The Lions coach to QB isn’t working, so Stafford is running over to the sidelines to get the plays.  tHom says, “I worry about this from a stamina standpoint for the quarterback.”  Huh?  Holy crap.

The Bears haven’t covered Pettig(r)ew all day, and they don’t again and suddenly the Lions are at the Bears ten yard line.

Smith runs for three yards to the seven.  Second and goal.

The Lions figure the Bears can’t tackle Calvin Johnson.  They throw a “smoke” (TM–Brian Billick 2009) to him at the seven, and amazingly, Danieal Manning tackles him!  I know!  Who knew?

Third and goal from the seven and Wale sacks Stafford despite having Gosder Cherilus holding a large chunk of his jersey.  Twelve yard loss.  The Lions are going to kick a field goal.  He makes it, but there’s a flag.  Israel was offsides, but the Lions decline and take the field goal.  34-24 Bears.

Stafford, shaken up by Wale is now laying on the bench.  But maybe he’s tired from having to JOG TO THE SIDELINES TO GET THE PLAYS!  I mean, he had to do it like four times before they switched helmets!  Oh, the humanity.  tHom is right, there’s no way a 23 year old can do four quick jogs before he needs to sleep it off for about three hours.

Bad news, Bears fans.  Stafford is now shoeless on the sidelines and the awesome Daunte Culpepper is warming up.  Oh no!

Nice return by Danieal Manning, and the Bears will start their drive on the Lions side of the 50.  You know, it’s almost like the Lions aren’t very good?

First down, the Bears throw a ten yard pass to Matt Forte.  At least the refs say it was ten, the Lions think it was nine and a half.  Julian Peterson is mad.  He ought to be mad that when he was a free agent two years ago, he picked the Lions.

Whatever Fox executive decided Michael Strahan needed a sitcom should be forced to give Terry Bradshaw a tongue bath.

Forte takes it off left tackle and goes 37 yards for a touchdown.  tHom seems angry that it will just add to the “grossly misleading” Bears rushing total.

And, on cue, tHom says that Forte has 98 yards on two carries and only 23 on all of his others.  But you know what?  It’s 121 yards rushing.  Most of the time when a back averages ten yards per carry he doesn’t actually run for ten yards on every carry.

41-24 Bears.

We interrupt this game redux to bring you this message from Franchester Brennaman.

“This is the kind of thing, quite honestly, right now, that makes you want to see the Chicago Bears team lose. Among all football fans, and I can’t attest to the Patriots or Colts, because we don’t see them with any degree of regularity unless an inter-conference game, but far and away the most obnoxious fans in football, in this league, are those who follow this team right here. Cheering a running back, with only one or two long gains, there’s absolutely no excuse for that, and that is so typical of Chicago Bears fans. It’s unbelievable.”

“You simply root against ’em. Ya’know, I’ve said all summer they talked about this team winning the division, and my comment is they won’t win it, because at the end of the day, they still are the Chicago Bears, and they will figure out a way to screw this whole thing up.”

Thanks, Fran.  Have fun this offseason, being a complete asshole.

Daunte Culpepper is in at QB, and Stafford has some sort of knee issue.  In Wanny parlance, “He’s got a knee.”

Culpepper scrambles on third down and throws to the fullback for a first down.  Then, there’s a pause in the action as Zach Bowman lays on the field, which he’s done at least once in every game he’s ever played in the NFL.  And that’s not even a joke.  He has.

And, Billick just promo’d the second half of the Fox doubleheader by calling it a match up of Kyle Orton and Tony Bruno.

I like Kyle’s chances against a syndicated sports radio host.

Pettig(r)ew catches one on the sidelines and Tillman hit him.  tHom begged for a flag for the Lions.  He really needs to just leave now.

Fourth and six at the Lions 48 and they are going for it.  Why not?  Daunte’s in!

He throws incomplete and the Bears get it back.  If it wasn’t over already, it’s over now.

Brad Biggs reports via a twat, that Johnny Knox is out with a leg injury.  The bye can’t come fast enough.

Wolfe runs into the line bounces off and breaks a big gainer.  He is then horsecollared on the sidelines, and the way he flew in the air, is reminder that this little guy is just not a real NFL player.

The Bears were called for a crackback block on Rashied, and the Lions for the horsecollar, so no play.

Kellen Davis takes a Cutler pass inside the 20.  And Chuck Swirsky just posted the most unintentionally dirty tweet of the day.

swirsk054: Need nfl scores. No american football shown on tv here in london I miss my direct tv and my wife s sunday spread

Is that what you and the misses are calling it, Chuck?

Garrett Wolfe, trying to put together some good tape in case the Arena League really returns, breaks one inside the five.  More grossly misleading rushing yardage.

In Minneapolis, the Twins are trying to hang on to what was once a 7-0 lead (it’s 8-4 now) by bringing former soap opera star and Cub Ron Mahay in.  I’ve got a little news for AL fans who think their league is so superior.  The Yankees, Angels and Red Sox are all good, the rest of the league?  Yeah, not so much.  The Twins and Tigers both blow.

Hard.

Garrett Wolfe (who tHom just called ‘Gary’) scores from the two, and he’s going to keep the ball because it’s his first (and going to be only) touchdown of his NFL career.  Hey, Sam Fuld drove in a run today.  Anything is possible.

48-24.

Here’s how bad the Lions are.  They played as well as they could for a half and they’re going to lose by TWENTY-FOUR points.

The Lions return the kick to the 35, and of course get called for holding, so they’ll really start at the 19,

The fullback (somebody Felton) breaks a nice run on first down.  Then catches a seven yard pass.  It’s the Somebody Felton show!

Heller catches one down to the 35 and nobody is paying any attention.  Including the Lions coaching staff.  And on the last play of the game, Al Afalava breaks up a pass in the end zone.  The Bears win 48-24, and suffered injuries to Devin Hester, the original Adrian Peterson and Johnny Knox.

The best news?  They are favored over BYE next week by 3.5.

So what do we think about this game?  At times the offense and defense looked great.  At other times?  Who knows.

What we do know is that the Bears are 3-1 going into their off week, and after that first half in Green Bay, you wouldn’t have thought that was possible.