The Chicago Cubs had a press conference today at Wrigley Field to introduce the new family of millionaires who now own the team.  They are led by one of the brothers, Thomas Theodore “Beaver” Ricketts, who will function as the chairman of the Ricketts Family Directors of the Chicago Cubs.

Watching and listening to him during the press conference, I kept trying to decide who he sounds like.  At first I was stuck on the idea that his voice was like that of Jeff Joniak’s younger, more effeminate brother.  But that wasn’t right.

Then, finally it hit me.  Tom Ricketts is Jerry Mathers.  From that point on, I couldn’t take any of his answers seriously, and I kept thinking that eventually he’d say, “Gee Wally, our new team’s kind of bad.”  All that was missing was his mom vacuuming behind the podium in a dress and pearls.

In general, the answers Beaver and his three siblings gave were good.  He stated their goal to win the World Series, which seems obvious, but until John McDonough said it in his first press conference after the 2006 season, nobody in the previous regime ever dared speak the words.  It was almost like if they didn’t mention it, maybe the dopey fans would forget there even was one.

The biggest disappointment, of course, was that not only didn’t the press conference end with everyone in attendance being given permission to kick Crane Kenney in the testicle(s), but incredibly Kenney is still somehow ensconced in a role that puts his power, incredibly, in between the family and GM Jim Hendry.  Just why four seemingly intelligent, certainly successful, grown ups would want that effete pinhead around sticking his know-nothing fingers into everything is beyond me.

Beaver was asked what he was going to do to improve Wrigley field, short and long term.  Short term he said he was going to actually have somebody clean the bathrooms for the first time since Kiki Cuyler was roaming the outfield.  He also said he’d like to see Wrigley offer actually edible food during games (what a novel concept.)  He did say that anyone caught trying to smuggle a balogna sandwich wrapped in wax paper would be banned from the park for life.  Can’t say I disagree with that.

Long-term he said that the new ownership would spend the next 12 months coming up with a plan to renovate the old ballpark and that the process of renovations, done in phases could take “four, five, six or seven years.”  He did not forsee any circumstance that would force the team to leave the park for a season and play games somewhere else.

Beaver emphasized that the best way to win a World Series is to build a franchise that is in playoff contention every year.  It’s too bad the Rickettses weren’t around last year when Jim Hendry overreacted to another three and out playoff appearance and solved it by making the team worse.

Today’s press conference was typically Cub.  This fan base loves to get excited about anything and everything, so they’ll spend the next several months talking about how great (or how doomed) this new ownership is going to be.  When, like most things in life, the truth about this ownership will play out over the long haul.

Individual ownership is always preferred over corporate ownership, and the Beav explained it well in a conversation he had with our good friend Paul Sullivan.

“For one thing, as you can tell from talking to us, we all have the same agenda, which may not always be happening inside a corporation. We just want to win. We want to bring a championship back here.

“Secondly, one thing we can do that Tribune may not have been able to do — or may have decided not to have done — is re-invest the profits here. We’re going to take the money we make and put it back into the stadium to preserve the experience for the next generation.

“And I think the third thing is, with a family ownership, you can create a culture of accountability and excellence that maybe was more difficult to do when they were just one asset under the Tribune umbrella. We want to build the best franchise in baseball, bar none.

“So everything we do is going to be world class. Everything we do is going to be first class. And we’ll just keep investing in this asset, and I think if we keep doing that, there may be ups and downs in the wins and loss column, but as long as we show we’re committed and people really know we’re committed, then I think it will go well, the public side of this whole package.”

So that’s a great answer.  We love that answer.  We do not, however like the answer he gave when he was asked about our least favorite pencil necked toady’s role with the team.

Sullivan asked him about Kenney’s role, and learned that his primary responsibilities will be to work on where the Cubs’ new spring training home will be (in Mesa or elsewhere in Arizona or even Florida), to work on the plans to remodel Wrigley Field, and (unfortunately) to keep an eye on Hendry and how he spends the money.  (Bad.)

“Currently it would be Jim’s responsibility to reflect that to Crane,” Beaver said. “Crane keeps me in the loop. If it was a big decision, we’d get everybody to know about it.”

I just don’t understand why Kenney needs to have any role in this new ownership.  Especially not one that has him effectively running the baseball operations side, and if you think that’s overstating it, consider he’s the boss of the general manager.  So he is running the baseball side of things.

I’m not saying you need to have played baseball to run the baseball side of a successful franchise, but I am saying you can’t be Crane Fucking Kenney.

Ricketts told Sullivan that he doesn’t forsee any change to the name of Wrigley Field.  There are two reasons for this.  One is a nod to tradition (which, I think is dumb), the other is more practical.  Nobody’s going to call it anything but Wrigley Field.  Walgreens isn’t going to pay you $40 million to put their name on the stadium only to have every fan still call it Wrigley.

Sullivan asked him about adding a video screen at Wrigley Field.

“When it comes to things like the Jumbotron, or whatever it’s going to be, we’ll have to see what other people are doing, but remember we have to preserve the Wrigley experience here to make sure it’s a Chicago fit.”

The Wrigley experience is tangible.  It’s a beautiful ballpark built in the heart of a neighborhood.  It’s (mostly) sunshine, ivy and shitty baseball.  Why change any of that?

Now frankly, I could give a shit whether they ever put a Jumbotron in the park or not.  I’m still going to be watching the vast majority of games on my couch where I’ll get plenty of replays, I can handle not seeing them at several games during the season.  But it really bothers me when people say they “can’t” put one in because it would ruin the ambiance of the ballpark.  Screw that.  If ads on the Jumbotron allow them to add even one good bullpen arm every year it would be worth it.

Chicago fans love to overreact to shit like this, and Cubs fans have always taken it to a new level.  How about the troglodytes who claimed they’d never come to a game if the Cubs installed lights and played night games?  I’m sure the parents or grandparents of these dopes were pissed when they built permanent bleachers back in the teens and couldn’t just sit on the field behind the right fielder any more.

Sometimes progress doesn’t mean much, but sometimes it’s actually progress.  If you need money sell space on anything to corporate sponsors.  Let Massengill paint their logo right square in the middle of the goddamned outfield if they’ll cut you a check.  Anybody who wants to see this team win won’t actually be bothered by it.

I piss and moan about the ugly blue jersey tops, but more because I think they could sell a shit-ton more jerseys if they picked a cooler third alternate.  Something like the cool sleeveless vests they wore in the ’40s.  Did you know the Cubs were the first team to wear those?  Now you do.

Beaver, in an interview with the comely Carrie Musk(r)at said it perfectly.

You can’t have third-rate facilities and a first-rate team. We have to look at improving them anywhere we can.

And so for all of my bloviating about Kenney, the fact remains that everybody in this franchise–the players, the front office, the pencil necked dopes up even higher are all on notice.  The 12 months he talked about taking to investigate the renovations to make to Wrigley, are really 12 months to investigate renovations to the “franchise.”  Another season like this one or worse and Kenney, Hendry, and a big hunk of the roster will be looking for jobs somewhere else.  We already know they’re going to need a new manager after next season.  Seems like as good a time as any to hire a new VP and general manager, too.

One last thing about family ownership.  When a family has money it’s a good start.  But they have to have money and brains, too.  William Wrigley ran the team with an open bank account and a will to win.  Honestly, the Cubs were a great franchise during the years he was calling the shots.  His halfwit son, PK ran the team into the ground.  Not because of a lack of resources, but because of a lack of any common sense about how to run a successful organization.

Let’s hope the Rickettses are more William and a lot less PK.