Here’s the thing about the sixth installment of Survivor (if my math is right)…the game is getting trickier and more unpredictable. But the people are just getting dumber and dumber and more motivated by doing stupid crap on TV.

Granted the three naked guys on last night’s season premiere weren’t doing anything different than Dick Hatch did in the first one, but at least he didn’t get naked and then…run.

Plus, the long line of first people voted off the island now includes its second hottie. Remember Tanya, the girl who threw up all the time a two seasons ago? She has company now.

Sigh.

Of course, Jeff “Anal” Probst is back for another go, and his lame safari shirts are back, too. Where does this guy get his wardrobe? Dan Rather’s war chest?

When first we see Anal, he’s standing aboard a ship letting us all in on the little secret that starts this show. The castaways think the game doesn’t start for a couple more days, and they think they’re out shooting some publicity photos. They’re dressed appropriately for that. A couple guys have suits on, Nicole, the hot massage therapist has a strapless dress on (no bra, either–hubba hubba), and one complete whacko has her Boy Scout leader outfit on. Can we just vote her off right now, before they even divide the tribes up?

Jeff breaks it to them that the game has started and that they’ll be assigned tribes, sent to a Panamanian village with 100 Rocky Balboas (which apparently are money) to buy what they need and once they fork over their rings, watches and passports he’ll throw them overboard with nothing but what they’re wearing and their tennis shoes.

They jump in the water and head for shore. They have to take their money and buy or trade for whatever they need and then hire a boat to take them to their respective islands to start the game.

Here’s where it gets confusing.

The two tribes are named after a pair of famous Pirates. Mike Morgan and Doug Drabek. I was confused by the whole baseball thing…but I went with it.

Then, I realized the tribes are named after famous pirates. Captain Morgan (of rum fame) and Sir Francis Drake. Oh. Yeah, of course.

A very furry guy named Rupert is on the Drake tribe and he starts things off by stealing the Morgan tribe’s shoes. They left them in their little life raft right next to him and he steals them and uses them to trade for stuff. It’s pretty crafty, and seems like something that would get him beaten up later…but apparently the Morgans never notice. How is that possible?

My favorite part of the first show was the sight of massage therapist Nicole getting out of the water in her tight blue dress. Yowsa. And when CBS would use the cutaway interviews with her they had her sitting behind some palms that made her look completely naked. We need more of this.

One of her Morgan teammates is a guy named Osten. Not only can’t he spell, he’s a moron in other ways. He tells the girls that Panama is full of horny old guys so instead of giving them money for stuff they should just flash their boobs at them.

The Drake guys stop by and watch some cock fights. I wonder how Little Jerry Seinfeld did?

One of the Drake ladies, Sandra, speaks Spanish and they are in. She can barter and make sure they don’t get screwed. However, she’s the only one who realizes that one of her tribe members, Trisha, is being hit on by a very scary Lesbian, who tries to trade just about everything in her shop for a night with Trisha. Hell, Woody Harrelson would have done it.

The Morgan tribe has a drug rep named Tijuana. I’m not making this up. She’s named after a Mexican village best known for veneral diseases, crooked cops and drunken college kids who wake up in an alley with a syringe sticking out of their ass and a bleeding rectum. How pretty. She pronounces it, Tuh-wanna. Sure. Whatever.

Sandra (Drake) trades her gold necklace for an entire chicken BBQ meal for about 10 people, and some knives. Somewhere, Monty Hall is becoming aroused by Sandra.

Morgan has a skinny little twit named Ryan S. (there are two Ryans on Morgan) who’s occupation is “produce clerk.” Why isn’t he the one out trading for fruit and stuff? Perhaps all he knows to do is stand at the back of a Dominick’s hosing down the lettuce?

Morgan has nothing, just some bottled water and a book of matches or something and they give up and hire a boat so they can go to their island where they’ll really have nothing. They convieniently find a boat big enough to accomodate all of them, a CBS film crew and Mark Burnett’s ego.

Drake runs down their list of goods they bought or traded for. They have rice, beans, chicken, a LIVE chicken, fishing line, a spear gun, wine, a tarp, two machetes, a porta potty, a generator, a croquet set, a TV/DVD player, a Land Rover and some CD’s including Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits. I’d say they’re set.

Their boat also has some cameras on it (hmmmm) and they’re off.

By the way, the new “Matrix: Revolutions” starts November 5. I’m sure we won’t see any more commercials for it, so I thought I’d clue you in.

On the island, Ryan S. says of Osten, “He’s got muscles up the yay! I’ve been noticing them.” Ahh, poor young, gay, Ryan.

Lillian, the Boy Scout geek says she’s trying not to be a scout leader on the island. Yeah, why show off the only ability you really have?

Burton (Drake) says, “One of the first items on my list was to build a shelter.” ONE of the first items? What was above it on this list?
– Take a nap
– Go for a swim
– Try and hook up with Michele the hot college girl with the Lisa Loeb glasses
– Take another nap
– Ask Michele if I can braid her hair
– Build a life sustaining shelter

Some doofus named Shawn makes fun of Rupert “Captain Lou Albano” and his beard. Shawn needs to be thrown a beating.

Over at Morgan they have the crapiest shelter in the world. Nicole, who might not be wearing underwear under that blue dress, has a hermit crab bite her in the…um…hoo hah. If a woman came to me and pulled her dress to show me a crab, I think I’d have to run. And go buy some of that lice shampoo.

Osten freaks out when he thinks a palm frond is a snake. Nice. Way to go, tough guy. I’ll bet Ryan S. could console you.

Back at Drake, they are partying it up with thier fancy shelter, and all their store bought goods. They drinking some kind of booze that Rupert bought off a Panamanian guy for a pair of mismatched shoes. A blonde dweeb named Jon says, “Everybody laughs at my jokes.”

Christa a semi-attractive computer programmer (who will cause most other computer programmers to download in their pants) says, “Jon’s obnoxious.” Might want to redefine “everybody” there, Jon.

Jon is drunk and swearing, and scaring my new girlfriend, college girl Michele. He needs to be stopped.

The next morning, we are greeted with Captain Lou Albano telling us tales of how his very wet jeans are “killing my crotch.” I don’t need to know that.

Christa takes her dress and lets Michele and Rupert cut it up and she makes a mini dress for her and…a skirt…for Rupert. I’m not kidding. Here’s this big dude wearing a skirt. Maybe he’s Scottish?

He says, with no shame, “Ahh, my thighs feel so good!”

Over at Morgan, Lillian is worried that her scout troop will react poorly to the fact that she has her uniform shirt untucked. Somebody kill her with a coconut right now.

Drake has a spear gun and Rupert spends the day catching lots of fish and lots of sunburn.

What he’s wearing under that dress, I do not want to know. Ever.

At Morgan, Nicole, the underwear-less massage therapist thinks Andrew should be the leader. This is brilliant strategy for Nicole, given that everybody ends up hating the leader. See, she’s smart. And hot.

Osten traded all of his clothes except some Abercrombie and Fitch boxer shorts. They are way too big and his ass hangs out all the time. He gets Andrew and some other faceless twit to agree that if his shorts fall off during a challenge that they’ll get naked, too. Whatever.

Anal shows them the immunity idol, and unfortunately, unlike the one from the last show, it does not look like Calvin Schiraldi.

This one is a skull stuck on a hatchet. So, it’s the Immunity Molly Hatchet!

Their challenge is to move a cannon across the beach and through some brush and over some rocks and stuff. It’s stupid as hell.

Osten loses his shorts less than a third of the way through the “race” so Andrew and the other guy take their’s off, too. Remember when we had good nudity when Jenna and Heidi got naked in the food challenge? This is bad nudity. Three naked guys running and pushing a cannon? Just bad. Even the women were horrified.

It did lead to two pretty nice puns.

Anal yells, “Two naked Morgan members!”
And CBS puts the graphic, “Morgan Behind” up as they show the naked guys pushing the cannon and trailing the Drake team.

Inexplicably, Morgan takes the lead and then blows it at the end. They’re like the Detroit Tigers of Survivor.

So one of them has to go at the immunity challenge. Common sense says it will be skinny, useless Ryan S., or creepy, old Boy Scout Lillian.

I’d get rid of naked Osten myself, but that’s just me. I don’t like naked men.

We see a commercial for the new David E. Kelley TV show, “The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire” and I liked it better when it was the movie, “Mystery, Alaska”–which he wrote, by the way.

Back on the beach at Morgan, the guys want to get rid of Ryan and the girls want to get rid of Lillian.

Then, Nicole goes insane and tells Lillian that she wants to get rid of Tijuana. It’s like suicide! You don’t go to a powerless moron like Lillian and just blurt that out.

Nicole can’t get voted out. She’s HOT, she’s a massage therapist, she has no underwear and she’s HOT! No!

Lillian runs to Andrew with the news of Nicole wanting to dump Tijuana and it’s like every episode of Ricki Lake ever. Tijuana goes nuts. She’s snapping her fingers in the air and Nicole is gone.

Sigh.

At the Tribal Council that night Anal makes fun of the three guys for getting naked and losing.

Lillian gives a shout out to “Troop 617 in Cincinnati!” She’s been the leader for 11 years. Oh, shut up.

Andrew calls out Ryan for his “lack of effort” in the competition. He’s a produce guy, have him go out and pick bananas or something.

The vote goes Nicole six (at least) and Ryan one.

I’m beside myself. Can’t they vote the ugly ones off first?

Apparently not.
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Apparently Hurricane Isabel and her effects will be out of the Pittsburgh area early this afternoon and the Cubs and Pirates are actually expecting a pretty decent weekend weather wise. Four games in three days and with the Cardinals making one, last futile, stand against Houston, if we can leave the weekend with a tie or better, you can start sewing the NL Central champion patches on the jerseys.

I still think both the Cubs and Astros will get in now, as the Marlins and Phillies face killer schedules down the stretch.

Besides, this season has been too much fun for it to end next Sunday.

Right?

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The Sox season ended in the bottom of the first inning last night. They scrapped together a 2-0 lead in the top of the first and took their first lead on the Twins in FOUR games, and then Bart Colon tried to get a fastball by Jacque Jones and Jacque tied it at two.

See you at Tuscon Electric Park in March, guys.

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Sammy Sosa is enjoying the ride. And I have a feeling he’ll be doing some of the driving this week.

If Isabel doesn’t make nice and blow away, it could screw up the Cubs pitching. Even to the point of another Shawn Estes start. No!

The Sox nap started a few weeks too early.

Rick Morrissey says the Twins win without much talent. Which is crap. They’re probably have more talent on that roster than the Sox do on theirs.

Jerry Manuel’s pregame pep talk had some effect…huh?

Rosey with the Sox obit.

The Bears like their new $600 million house. How nice for them.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to flip flop on Jerry Manuel…again.

John Jackson on the Sugar Shane Moseley fight and more.

The Wizard of Roz with a hack effort today. First he whines about the Cubs and Sox going out and getting players during the year, then he gives way too much credence to fat moron Will Carroll and Baseball Prospectus’ pitcher abuse theory. Dusty sure burned through starters in San Francisco didn’t he? Whoo, guys like Kirk Rueter, Livan Hernandez and Jason Schmidt have sure struggled from his abuse…oh, wait. Never mind. Maybe Roz can blame Dave Dravecky’s arm amputation on Dusty somehow.

If this doesn’t make you feel good, nothing will.

I really wish Jayson Stark would write about the Phillies once and a while.

The West Wing will stop trying to piss of Republicans all the time this year.

Madonna wanted to kiss Pink, too.

Osama is either dead, seriously hurt, or really sleepy.

Everybody loves General Wesley Clark. Who?

America’s finest news source says that mayor of DC is bragging that they’ve regained the murder capital status.