Sometimes, the Cubs just look like the same old Cubs we’ve come to love and loathe over the past 30 years. In four games with the Pirates, they managed to morph between the same old Cubs and the new look Cubs. But in the end, they enter the last week of the season with a good shot at earning either the NL Central title or the Wild Card.

So take today to relax, and buckle up for six days unlike any we’ve seen in five years.

I was going to take it easy on Chip Caray this weekend. In fact, at times during game two of the doubleheader on Friday night I watched with the “mute” on the TV. (And really, the poor little deaf and dumb guy doesn’t like sitting on the TV because it gets too warm. Huh? Never mind.)

But the times Chip was audible, he was horrible.

Check out this gem:

“Real amazing stat on Jose Hernandez last year, who, but for the graces of Jerry Royster didn’t strike out 200 times last year. When he made contact–not just got a hit, but made contact–he hit over .400.”

Huh? What? “When he made contact–not just got a hit, but made contact…” Chip, buddy, I don’t think we need a Mensa tribunal to figure out Jose’s batting average if you only count the at bats in which he got a hit. I’d guess that was 1.000. Sigh.

Then, when Matt Stairs hit a homer to straight away center field, Chip wondered what the large, black, P, that sits in the outfield grass beyond the centerfield was made of. One good look on the TV monior told you what it was. But Chip didn’t get it. “I think it’s plywood. A plywood Pirate ‘p’.”

No, dumbass. What do they call Pittsburgh? The Iron City, perhaps? It’s a wrought iron P. It probably says so in that stupid media guide you’re always combing for boring factoids.

I remember in high school, I was in the library with one of our non-lesbian volleyball players and we were looking at the sports page. She wondered how headline writers decided what verb to use. Like, “Durand pummels Rockford Lutheran 48-0”, or “Boylan hammers East 88-61.” So we made up an imaginary scale.

One point to seven was a ‘nips.’
Eight to 15 was a ‘downs.’
Sixteen to 20 was a ‘pounds.’
Etc.

Chip should make a scale. He gave us this gem. “Oh, Steve, the Phillies are really pouring it on the Reds. It’s 4-1.”

Four to one? They’re pouring it on? How can you pour it on by three runs?

Then, I awoke on Sunday morning. And did what I always did. I called a cab for my whore, paid her and staggered downstairs to cook myself a five-star gourmet breakfast.

Huh?

Never mind. But I did turn on ESPN and saw that Bob Ley’s “Outside the Lines” show was going to devote the entire half-hour to baseball in Chicago. Hey, this should be fun, I thought. A chance to listen to them mock the White Sox for being the choking dogs that they have been this September. Then, Bob introduced his “panel”. It was Bob Verdi of the Chicago Tribune, a fine choice. And…Chip Caray. Oh, shoot me. Just put the gun to my temple and end it all.

Guh.

He wasn’t horrible. But he did think it “would be a great thing,” if the Sox got in the playoffs. Screw that. I’ve enjoyed a September of the Sox self-mutilations. He also thought a “Cubs, Sox World Series would be great for the city.” What city? They have near riots when the teams play regular season games. They’ll burn the town down if they ever met in the Series. Can you imagine the fist fights if the games were played for the World Championship? Yikes.

But Chip lost me with this. “Wrigley Field is a park built back when Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig and all those Cubs greats played.” Christ, did we trade Babe and Lou? Ben Affleck’s going to have to narrate a special about this.

I think that given their performance over the weekend, we need to all go out and hug a Cardinals fan. Show them some appreciation. They’re easy to find. Just head to your closest trailer park and follow the scent of a clogged chemical toilet. Then, give them some love. We’re going to the playoffs and they’re a big reason why. I’m sure they’ll love it when we thank them.

They laid down and died for us in that five game series in Wrigley and then, somehow won the last two games of the weekend series with Houston. Granted, had they not lost the first four games to Houston in September we’d have a magic number…but still. It was nice.

They did it all without Jim Edmonds who missed Sunday’s game with what was listed in the paper as “invisible fence burns.” Whatever that means.

Is it just me, or should we all be distressed with news that Carlos Zambrano suddenly has a bad back and a bad knee? Or is that just a Dusty-ism for, “He got rocked in his last start”?

I know I’m distressed that I heard that Dusty is starting Shawn Estes instead of Juan Cruz on Wednesday in Cincinnati…and I agreed with it. Juan’s just good enough to lose…a lot. How many times did we see him shake off the catcher on Friday and then give up a rope? Plus, he can only pitch four innings. Sure, Estes only goes four, but he’s not tired when he leaves, he’s just down 8-2.

Basically, Dusty’s hoping Shawn can fool the Reds’ triple-A lineup for five innings on Wednesday. I hate to admit it, but I’m hoping for that, too. Yeesh.


Karry Ling covered the Emmys for us, and he’ll have his recap later this morning. It should be…interesting.

Mark Prior was amazing…again. Are we sure he’s a Cub? Can he pitch every day? Please? Let’s try it.

Dusty even admitted out loud on Saturday that a win was in the bag on Sunday with Prior on the mound.

Shawn Estes can’t pitch, but he can work the MLB Gamecenter thing on Sportsline.com.

Rick Morrissey got paid for this? Really? Don’t even bother. It’s not clever, or funny. It’s just…there.

Paul and Teddy preview the week. Check out Teddy’s comments about the Sox on Sunday. I think he was drunk when he wrote that.

The mighty fighting Huskies of NIU are the 20th finest team in all the land. Proud alumns like myself, Homer Simpson’s voice, Joan Allen and Terry Boers are a little more puffy chested today than normal.

Rosey ponders what it’s like to have a real “ace.”

The Irish struggles are the fault of two people. Ty Willingham and alleged offensive coordinator Bill Dedrick. You don’t tailor your offense counter to the talents of your personnel, such as what they’ve continued to do. Maybe we’re figuring out that Chris Olsen transferred because he realized that not only was Brady Quinn going to be better than him, but that the Irish don’t have a freaking clue what they want to do, or what they can actually do on offense? Blame Carlyle Holiday all you want, but when you take a running quarterback and nail him to the pocket and ask him to be Joe Montana, you deserve to be 1-2. Actually, you deserve worse than that.

For the first time in my life, the school I went to has a better football team than the school I wanted to go to. This is not necessarily a good thing. And I guarantee you that if NIU played Notre Dame on Saturday, that NIU would win.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to wring his hands that if the Cubs don’t make the playoffs that they’ll lose Sammy. There are quite a few Cubs who might make that trade.

The Wizard of Roz on the amazing career of Greg Maddux. It has been just that. But before you start clamoring for the Cubs to add Maddux to the rotation next year, remember this. If the Cubs face the Braves in the playoffs, you want them to face Maddux. He was a great pitcher who now is merely good…when faced with the choice of Russ Ortiz and Maddux and you don’t pick Greg…well, it’s over.

Peter Gammons says that Felipe Alou likes long walks through the Embarcadero, bubble baths and puppies.

Hey Jack McKeon! Remember your smug little comment about how the Cubs won’t make the playoffs? Well, by the end of the week we’ll have your spot. Muahahahahahahahahaha!

Wait, who’s that at number 20?

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

It just figures that the year I stop watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” it wins all those Emmys. Well, Emmy’s usually wrong…

Stevie Nicks didn’t like Madonna kissing Britney. And we care…why?

The Dixie Chicks don’t want to be a country band any more. What are they going to do, an all-polka album, now?

Somewhere on the ‘net you can watch the pizza guy blow up. Eww.

The new Eagles cheerleader outfits are a hit.

Police found 130 cats in a house in Milwaukee and cat poop up to three feet deep in some places. Man, Packer fans sure know how to live, don’t they?

A Christian magazine has an advice column with such gems as, “Dress in a way that would please Jesus,” and “Sixty-three percent of teens who have had sex wish they had waited.” But they left the good parts out.

It should read, “Dress in a way that would please Jesus. Jesus loves cleavage and bare midriffs.”
And, “Sixty-three percent of teens who have had sex wish they had waited. Because Andy never called them afterwards.”

The Japanese Abominable Snowman is actually a brown bear. Ahh, the buzz kill.

America’s finest news source asks the men on the street what they think of lifting Cuban travel restrictions.