Take a moment to think back five years ago. The Cubs were staggering into the playoffs on the strength of a wild-play in Wild Card game in which they had to use just about every pitcher on their roster. Rod Beck’s arm was falling off, Terry Mulholland was throwing 14 miles an hour and Steve Trachsel had almost thrown a no-hitter, but due to his wildness, nobody noticed.

Mark Clark, the human bobblehead would start game one of the playoffs.

Did we really think those Cubs were going to win anything? Yikes.

Now pinch yourself. Hard.

Did that hurt? Good.

It’s 2003 and the Cubs are back in the playoffs. This time, they’re the actual champions of something…the National League Central Division. They’re set for another playoff series against the Braves—but this time the starter in game one is none other than Kerry Lee Wood. The one time phenom who is now just a helluva good pitcher. We worried about young Kerry in late July and early August, but six starts ago he got tired of being inconsistent and just started blowing everybody away. As good as The Franchise, Mark Prior, has pitched down the stretch (winning 10 of 11 starts), Kerry has matched him pitch for pitch the last six weeks.

In case you’re wondering, that’s a very good thing.

Carlos Zambrano will get the ball in game two. Carlos has struggled in his last two starts, but he’s had a great year. By now, you all know of my manly love for Carlos, but it’s not clouding this prediction. He’ll be there when the spotlight’s on. Trust me.

Then, the game three starter is The Franchise. A Friday night at Wrigley, national TV audience, against Greg Maddux? Are you kidding me? I’m no Ben Hawkins (from HBO’s Carnivale), but I had a vision of Friday night, and in it, the rooftops were full of Cubs fans with brooms. I don’t think they were witches.

Let’s do this the old fashioned way. Position by position.

First Base
Cubs: Randall Simon and Eric Karros
Braves: Robert Fick and Julio Franco

Neither the Cubs or the Braves use a straight platoon at first base. Dusty Baker will use Eric Karros against some righties, and Bobby Cox uses Fick most of the time, regardless of the handedness of the opposing pitcher. Given that Mike Hampton is starting game two for Atlanta, you’d have to think that Karros will get at least that start.

Simon is a former Brave, and became immortal when John Rocker referred to him as “the fat monkey” in his now infamous diatribe. Simon came to the Cubs with a reputation as a free swinger with a tendency to assault enormous cartoon-like sausages. What he provided was a likeable personality that fit in perfectly with the club, and his lefthanded bat helped balance a Cubs offense that had been too righthanded dominant all year. His defense was much better than advertised, but he’s the slowest man on the planet. The most exciting two minutes in sports are Randall trying to go first to third on a single to right.

Karros has been a godsend. Acquired in the grand larceny that is the Todd Hundley trade, Karros quickly accepted his part-time role. When Tommy Lasorda stopped by the TV booth for a visit this year, he pointed out Karros and said, “He’s one of my all-time favorite players. He works hard, has a great attitude and gets the job done.” He did all three in a Cubs uniform, and his three-run jack in relief of a concussed Hee Seop Choi in the Roger Clemens-Kerry Wood game vaulted him into Cubs legend status. He has crushed lefties this year, and made Jim Hendry look like a sage.

Fick was an All-Star in Detroit last year and has had a much better year this year. However, this year he was on a real team and didn’t get to be a token All-Star selection. A catcher by trade, Fick has done a solid job defensively at first, but he’s no Sid Bream (yikes). Sox fans will remember Fick as an instigator in the infamous 2000 Tigers-Sox fight that supposedly brought the White Sox together. Whatever.

Franco wants to be the first man to play on a regular basis in the Major Leagues in his 50s. If you take a good look at him, you’d think he’s already accomplished that. Last year he was in a literal platoon with his half-brother (I kid because I care) Matt Franco. But Fick will get the majority of the starts in the playoffs. As short as they’re liable to be for the Braves.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 1, Braves 0)

Second Base
Cubs: Mark Grudzielanek
Braves: Marcus Giles

Grudzielanek was the other half of the loot in the Hundley trade and he became the Cubs best everyday second baseman since Ryne Sandberg. It came as a shock to everybody…including Mark, most likely. A former shortstop with the Expos, Grudzielanek has an excellent arm for a second baseman, good range and a nearly unpronounceable name. At the plate, he’s radically changed his stroke over the years. Now, he stands on top of home plate (not literally) and takes a short stroke designed to line anything back up the middle. He took more walks than the Cubs expected and was a savior at a position the Cubs thought was going to be manned by Bobby Hill. The same Bobby Hill who was so good that he was traded to Pittsburgh, and then the Pirates never called him up.

Marcus Giles was already having a great season, an All-Star season in fact, when he literally was run over by Mark Prior in a July game at Wrigley. Giles suffered a concussion and missed the All-Star Game. When he came back, he went on a tear of epic proportions. Considering that Prior did the same thing, you have to wonder what kind of Wonder Twins power swap was activated during the collision. Giles ended the season with a whopping 49 doubles and is considerably improved defensively.

Advantage: Braves (Cubs 1, Braves 1)

Shortstop
Cubs: Alex Gonzalez
Braves: Rafael Furcal

Chip Caray and Steve Stone spent a good deal of two full innings yesterday pushing Alex and his league-low 10 errors for the Gold Glove. He is, a fine shortstop, but it’s not going to happen. Gonzalez has good range, a very good arm and with the exception of a famous pop-up in Puerto Rico, covers a lot of ground on fly balls. Offensively, he’s a lost cause. He did go on a walk-off homer tear early in the season, and ended up with 20 homers on the season. But he strikes out a ton and looks bad doing it a lot. Offensively, he’s got the tools, but no idea how to use them.

Furcal is the anti-Gonzalez. He has superior range and a terrific arm, but he’s a lousy defensive shortstop. Prone to throwing balls into the dugout, Furcal’s shoddy defense has consistently drawn the ire of Bobby Cox. Offensively, he uses his speed to good advantage and has surprising power for a little guy.

Furcal’s offense overshadows Gonzalez’s defense.

Advantage: Braves (Cubs 1, Braves 2)

Third Base
Cubs: E-ramis Ramirez
Braves: Vinny Castilla

In 40 games with the Cubs, E-ramis Ramirez lived up to this nickname with 10 errors. But that doesn’t tell the real story. He was a basket case defensively when he arrived from Pittsburgh, and near the end of the season, he’d become an above average defender. Given his incredible offensive tools, it’s not just Cubbie Kool Aid that tells you that Ramirez could become one of the best three or four third baseman in all of baseball in the next couple years. Whatever possessed the Pirates to trade him. We’re glad they did.

Vinny Castilla would hit 1.100 against the Cubs if it was possible. Why in the world the Cubs continue to throw Vinny breaking stuff when his bat speed has so clearly disappeared is a mystery. Vinny can cheat on the fastball in obvious counts, but a pitcher is ahead of him they can blow him away with a good hard one. Defensively, he’s always been good. Even if it were close between he and E-ramis, we’d have to deduct important points from Vinny for that cheesy mullet.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 2, Braves 2)

Left Field
Cubs: Moises Alou
Braves: Chipper Jones

A 1-29 slump to end the regular season had Cubs fans everywhere worried about Moises, until he snapped it with a huge homer on to Waveland Avenue in his final at bat in the clincher on Saturday night. He doesn’t always run balls out, and he’s prone to taking naps in left field, but Moises have never shunned the bright lights of postseason baseball. He was the lone Astro immune to the pressure in their three and done performances in recent years and in 1997 he should have been the World Series MVP. Moises will be there when it counts. He might even break a sweat doing it.

Larry Wayne Jones killed the Cubs in 1998 and as the lone lefty power bat in the Braves lineup he’ll be out to do it again this year. Chipper was a Hall of Fame caliber third baseman who is being wasted out in left field. Sure, he puts up good numbers for a left fielder, but those are great numbers for a third baseman. Just what the Braves are trying to prove, I have no idea. As good as Alou is, you have to be a damn fool to pick him over Chipper.

I’m a lot of things, but a damn fool is not one of them.

Advantage: Braves (Cubs 2, Braves 3)

Center Field
Cubs: Kenny Lofton
Braves: Andruw Jones

In this very space you read me ranting and raving about how Kenny Lofton was done. He couldn’t play, couldn’t run, couldn’t throw. Well, he can’t throw, but he can play and he can still run. He hit better than .320 over his time with the Cubs and fired up a dormant offense. Fox Sports Net’s Gail Fisher thinks Kenny’s on-base average was better than .500 because he reached base in more than half his games as a Cub. It’s cute. But it’s wrong. But you knew that.

Andruw Jones is the best all-around centerfielder in the game. He’s likely the best defensive centerfielder of all-time. He’s got good power and a good idea what to do at the plate, even though he hardly ever walks anymore. The Cubs do have a centerfielder on their roster with comparable talents. Unfortunately his ACL is currently being held together with wire.

Advantage: Braves (Cubs 2, Braves 4)

Right Field
Cubs: Sammy Sosa
Braves: Gary Sheffield

It’s been a long, strange year for Sammy Sosa. He showed up on time for spring training (see if he ever does that again), hit his 500th homer, tore off a toe nail, got busted for corking his bat, got booed in parks where he used to be a hero, and put the Cubs offense on his back for most of July and August and kept the team afloat. He struggled two weeks ago and took a lot of crap for it, then went on a homer binge to finish the season. Call him names, mock his sincerity, but don’t pretend he’s not still one of the greatest offensive baseball players in the history of this fair game. If Sammy stays hot in the playoffs, he’ll need to add a wing onto his trophy case.

Gary Sheffield is one of the few Braves hitters who the Cubs pitchers handled in the regular season. Sheffield is still a terrific hitter, though his defense is a little suspect. He’s comfortable in Atlanta and has stopped trying to be the center of attention. Like Sosa, he could get hot and wreak a lot of havoc.

Who gets the edge here? The only National League player ever to put up six-straight 40 homer seasons, that’s who.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 3, Braves 4)

Catcher
Cubs: Paul Bako, Damian Miller
Braves: Javy Lopez

Few catching tandems in the big leagues throw as well as the two the Cubs use. But few hit as anemically. For all of their wonderful defensive abilities, most of them involve dropping third strikes and tagging out batters, they couldn’t hit their weight if they were Karen Carpenter. Bako is a former Brave, which means they know how to pitch him and he won’t get a hit. Miller won’t get one on principle.

One thing about Damian, though. On Saturday, he and Dave Otto conducted one of the most intentionally funny post-championship celebrations of all-time. It involved Miller mocking Otto for the champagne making his eyes bug out and turning to a teammate who got him with champagne and yelling, “You just made the list, pal!”

Javy Lopez hit more homers as a catcher (42 of his 43) this year than any catcher in the history of baseball. I have no idea when his deal with the devil expires, but it might be too much to ask for it to happen before the end of the week.

Advantage: Braves (Cubs 3, Braves 5)

Starting Pitchers
Cubs: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano, Matt Clement
Braves: Russ Ortiz, Mike Hampton, Greg Maddux, Shane Reynolds

Nobody in the National League has three guys like Wood, Prior and Zambrano, so it’s a damn sure safe bet that nobody has four like them when you add Clement. If the playoffs are truly all about pitching, the Cubs are going to hang a big freaking pennant in Wrigley next April. Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ortiz is best known as the guy who Dusty Baker let have the baseball when he took him out of an eventual game seven collapse in Anaheim last year. Ortiz has had a great year, and given the Cubs schedule of late, will be the first good starter they’ve seen in a while. Hampton is only good when he throws strikes and even in a good year for him, that hasn’t been that often this year. Maddux is a shell of the man who used to dominate the regular season, and he’s never been a studly postseason pitcher. It won’t happen now. If this goes four games, Bobby Cox will have to decide between Reynolds and rookie Horacio Ramirez. A smart guy would use the kid, but Bobby’s track record indicates he’ll go with Reynolds. If he does, there will be a party this Saturday in Chicago, too.

At press time (media buzzwords) the Braves were leaning towards leaving Reynolds off the playoff roster. Bobby Cox really shouldn’t do this. No, really. He should, in fact, let Shane start all three games.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 4, Braves 5)

Bullpen
Cubs: Joe Borowski, Mike Remlinger, The Farns, Mark Guthrie, El Pulpo, Dave Veres, Shawn Estes (yikes)
Braves: John Smoltz, Will Cunnane, Ray King, Jaret Wright, Kevin Grybowski, Jason Marquis, Kent Mercker, Jung Bong

You think the Cubs have bullpen problems? Take a look at that mess in Atlanta. Will Cunnane? Ray King? What, Steve Smyth wasn’t available?

The Cubs bullpen is pretty good if you can limit it to The Farns, Remlinger and Regular Joe. This starting staff can do just that.

The Braves have a huge edge at closer…except that John Smoltz spent most of September on the DL with a bum elbow. The same elbow he had Tommy John surgery on two years ago.

There’s blood in the water.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 5, Braves 5)

Bench
Cubs: Eric Karros, Tom Goodwin, Troy O’Leary, Ramon Martinez, Paul Bako, Tony Womack
Braves: Mark De Rosa, Julio Franco, Darren Bragg, Matt Franco, Henry Blanco, Johnny Estrada

The Cubs bench is not exactly a murderer’s row, but it’s been strangely productive. Karros has been great, Goodwin an inexplicably good pinch hitter, Martinez a good fill in and even Womack had his moments. Let’s just hope Dusty doesn’t find a way to cram both Womack and Doug Glanville on the roster.

The Braves bench is, of course, playoff tested. But Bobby Cox’s irrational love for carrying three catchers could hurt him. Blanco can’t hit, and really, neither can Estrada.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 6, Braves 5)

Managers
Cubs: Dusty Baker
Braves: Bobby Cox

Dusty Baker did the best job of his managerial career this season. He took a 95-loss team and willed it into the playoffs. Insanely positive, his good vibes rub off on everyone around him. He’ll have the Cubs convinced that not only can they win every game in this series, but that they should.

Bobby Cox is about to find out what it’s like to go into the playoffs with bad pitching. He’s not going to like what he learns.

Advantage: Cubs (Cubs 7, Braves 5)

Overall

It’s hard to be objective when your favorite team strolls into the playoffs. But it’s hard to ignore just what kind of destruction Kerry Wood and Mark Prior could do in this series. And as it stands, if the Cubs only win the games Wood and Prior start, they’re in the NLCS. It’s been 95 years since the Cubs won a playoff series. It’s all about to change.

Cubs 3, Braves 1