Sure, we’re all excited because the Cubs are in the playoffs. You can feel a tingle in the air (huh?) and the sun is shining brighter, the birds are singing prettier, the air is cleaner and Karry Ling is on the roof of Desipio HQ showing people his butt. Some things are not that unusual today.

But today is more than just the first Cubs playoff game in five years. It’s more than the first winnable playoff series since 1989. It’s more than this is the best Cubs team since 1984.

Today is the day of our first Desipio GameCast of the postseason. See, aren’t you even more excited now.

I don’t have to remind you that the Cubs are a cool 4-0 in our history when we go along for the ride. We’ll be doing every game of the Cubs playoff run, which, according to our calculations should be somewhere between eleven and nineteen. You’re going to be pretty sick of us by the time it’s over. But in a good way. (Huh?)

Our coverage starts tonight at 7 p.m. Central Daylight Time and will continue on until Regular Joe records the final out sometime around 10:30 p.m. or so. I’m going to explain this one more time, even though you are the most savvy of all Internet users.

Sometime during the day today we’ll create a link for our GameCast. Then, at around 7 p.m. we’ll start posting pithy observations about the Fox pregame and Steve Lyons’ hair and stuff like that. Then we just follow along with the game and hang on every pitch. It’s fun. It’s cathartic and most of all, it’s always funny as hell. The best part, thanks to the discussion forum nature of Desipio, you at home get to chime in whenever you feel like it.

This brings me to my story for the day.

Last year we did the early games, because this works best during the day when most of you are bored and trapped at work, but for the Cubs…we make an exception. The Twins and A’s were two of the three games we did. I got tired of typing Jacque Jones, so I started calling him Jock.

That led me to tell a story about a former Rockford newscaster named Jock Florentine. Something about that name just screamed “porn name!”

A few months later, (not making this up), I got an e-mail from Jock’s mother. She was none too pleased that I thought her son was a porn star. She went on to tell me the significance of his name…which means “gift from God.”

So that was kind of funny.

And then, a few weeks ago. I got this e-mail:

To: andy@desipio.com
Fr: Jock Florentine
September 15, 2003

Andy,

Thanks for including me in your column. Not sure why you associate my name with Porn but I’ll tell you one thing it certainly caused a few people in my office to crack up. I always thought my name was perfect for being a sportscaster but what the heck I guess times have changed.

How about those Bears?

https://www.desipio.com/archives/00000207.htm

Jock W. Florentine
General Sales Mgr, Brookfield
Norlight Telecommunications

Apparently, now all the folks at Brookfield Norlight Telecommunications are enjoying porn laughs at Jock’s expense.

Who knew?

—

That brings us to our next topic. Don’t you just love how the Bears can suck the life out of a party in like two minutes flat? Last night they opened old-new Soldier Field and the place was rocking. The fans were jacked up, Bears legends had been introduced. Dick Butkus mocked the state of Wisconsin in the opening on ABC. And then the Bears gave up two touchdowns and a field goal in about ten minutes of real time.

It’s like picking between a kick in the groin, a kick in the gut and a kick in the head. You almost want to pick the kick in the head on the off chance that it kills you and puts you out of your misery.

Look, the whole “let’s bring the Packers to the home opener on Monday night” was a bad idea in the first place, but wouldn’t it have been a fine time for the Bears to turn in one of those “wow, I can’t believe we’re actually playing this well” games? You see it every week in the NFL. Some bad team, inexplicibly puts it all together for 60 minutes and wins a game they had no business winning. Hell, the Texans have done it twice already this year. So have the Cowboys. But not the Bears. No.

The highlight of the game was a shot of Uberskank, Paris Hilton, wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey in his skybox. She’s going to advertise a new line of Reebox replica jerseys. The Paris Hilton collection…now, with Gonorrhea!

Look, I know Paris is tall and thin and fairly pretty. I know she’s got like a billion dollars in the bank and spends more time on her knees than the Pope. But she’s not exceptionally pretty and has the breasts of a six year old Ethiopian boy. I guess I just don’t see the attraction here. Urlacher’s rich, so unlike me, he isn’t chasing her for her fortune. Let’s face it, Cade McNown’s celebrity girlfriend was much hotter than Brian’s. And there’s no way that should happen.

Cue the Heather Kozar shot.

Do we think that Paris Hilton will ever get to be the St. Pauli Girl?

Only if Pauly Shore gets to be a saint.

You’ve got to hand it to John Madden. He really ripped the Bears offense when they needed it. He mocked the “high school” option play the Bears tried. He pointed out that it took the Bears an entire half to figure out that the Packers were blitzing on every play and leaving both Marty Booker and Dez White in one on one coverage. He chided Kordell Stewart for missing open receivers, or throwing the ball to difficult areas to be caught. He was (gasp!) like a real color commentator last night. Who knew?

Of course, he went on his inevitable, “Brett Favre has more fun than any other player,” tangent which always makes me queasy. I think Favre had more fun when he was a drunk and would show up for games on enough Vicodin to kill a small horse.

The Bears also don’t know how to tackle. It’s nauseating to watch running backs bounce off them for ten, or 20 or 60 more yards.

Urlacher played his worst game in a long time. He only was in on four tackles (one, however was a nice crush job on Ahman Green) and with no thanks to the horrendous play of the defensive line, he was wearing Packer blockers like a sweater.

Fans are clamoring for the Rex Grossman era to begin. But if I’m Rex, I pretend I’m hurt until this coaching staff is summarily whacked. No sense in damaging your valuable commodities for this bunch of pathetic losers.

That’s a good word for the Bears. Pathetic. Who are they going to beat? The Raiders this Sunday? Sure. Whatever.

Even the Lions have more spunk than this bunch. Unless they can schedule a game with the Bengals’ JV team, they’re going 0-16. Wow. Can you imagine?

Even at that, I’m not sure they could beat the Bengals’ JV. You figure Carson Palmer would rip them apart, even though he’s completely unprepared for the NFL right now. That’s how bad it is. The second stringers of the worst team in the last decade of the NFL could kick our hiney. And actually, they’d probably throw the great Shane Matthews at us.

Thank God for the Cubs.

Who ever thought we’d say that and mean it?

—

The stadium is ready for prime time. The team is not.

Do we really think that Greg Blache will ever get another head coaching interview? If I was looking for a junior tackle head coach, I wouldn’t interview this moron.

RW thinks the fans are against the team. He’s right. We are.

Jerry Manuel got the axe yesterday. Actually he was told last week. Why the hell did he stay then?

Which one’s Hub?

Sammy and Kerry are the only Cubs left from ’98. Would you really want any of the other guys?

Sammy makes the Cubs offense go. But for once, if he doesn’t, somebody else will.

The Cubs, Sox, Bulls and Blackhawks are looking at starting their own network. They don’t know what to call it. How about Desipio TV?

Rosey’s mad about everything.

Mike Downey says Cubs in four. I think that’s a good pick.

Four guys who make the Cubs go. What, it’s not Augie, Meat Tray, El Pulpo and the ghost of Lenny Harris?

Suck on this, Yankees fans.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to realize the Bears are bad.

In a season (and offseason) of huge moves by the Cubs, the biggest and best was Jim Hendry’s dogged pursuit of Dusty Baker.

A cool look at old-new Soldier Field.

The Wizard of Roz is hedging his bet on the Cubs.

Peter Gammons think the Yankees are the favorite to win the World Series. Screw that.

John Donovan on lots of things, a nice quote (albeit an insincere one) from Mark Grace and the dream of a Red Sox-Cubs World Series. Screw that, too. I don’t want the Red Sox and their mopey fans anywhere near my glorious Cubs World Series. Besides, if you don’t beat the Yankees, does it really count?

Sorry, it’s a day late, but here’s Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

Brenda Warner’s an inbred pain in the ass. Look, I’m not saying she’s a hillbilly, but she can honestly say, “You know, when my parents were killed in that tornado…” Decide for yourself.

Jessica Simpson is beautiful, and she’s dumb as a box of hair.

Wesley Clark wants to build a time machine. Probably so he can back and undo his hopeless Presidential run.

The Pope, he’s a not so good.

A German man has been charged with murder after cutting off a woman’s head and running around town with it. Is that wrong?

I want to party with the Huron County sherriff’s department!

A Jacksonville, Florida baby survived for three weeks on ketchup. Must have been that Fancy Ketchup.

Texans are frying their Oreos. That sounds good, just not smart.

America’s finest news source says that India and Canada have finally resolved their border dispute. Huh?